Fiancee's ex-wife is jealous of my relationship with her son

[Beth9009]

Hi, wasn't sure if this was the right section as I'm new to the forum but here goes.

My fiancee was married to his ex-wife for 10 years and they had one son together, who is now 15. I met him (my now fiancee) a year after his divorce and recently we became engaged. I had met his son before the engagement but since I moved in to a new house with my fiance, I see his son all the time because he visits regularly.

I made an effort from the start to get to know him and right away we got on really well. I'm 11 years younger than my fiancee (he's 36 and I'm 25) so I'm actually closer in age to his son and we have lots on common. The trouble is, his ex-wife hates me and I know she doesn't like me spending too much time with his son. My fiancee once mentioned to her that I will be her son's step-mum after we get married so she should at least be civil with me, and she went berzerk (lol don't know how to spell that word). Obviously she hates the idea of me being a mum of any sort to her son.

Anyway, last week my fiancee was away with work and I arranged for his son and I to go to watch the rugby as we are both fans. I thought it was a nice gesture and my fiance agreed. The trouble is, his son didn't tell his mum that his dad wasn't going to be there and she assumed he was staying at his dad's over the weekend as usual. Later that night after we got back from the rugby, we were watching TV and suddenly his mum turned up at the house, banging on the door because she found out that my fiancee was away with work, and because of this she 'didn't see why her son was staying over' with just me. She basically dragged him out of the house!!

Where do I go from here? Whether she likes it or not I am marrying her son's dad and we are going to have a close relationship, even if she doesn't like the thought of it. We get on so well together and I don't understand why she would want to ruin that, apart from she is jealous Any advice?

springyticktack

The two weekends per month is just the basic time he spends at our home. He is usually here in the evening on at least one weekday per week and he often stays the night then too, because it's just easier sometimes. Our home is like a joint-home for him and he has his own room and lots of his stuff is here. To say that I barely feature is just not true. I see him almost as much as his father! And as I've said, we get on so well that we do lots together and have a great relationship.

If I 'barely' featured, his mother wouldn't be so concerned. I think the problem is that his mother knows that I DO feature, and she doesn't like it.

I'm letting his mother win in her petty game

It is NOT a petty game. You insist on ignoring endless pages of posts that say loud and clear that what you are doing is deeply inappropriate. Yet you insist on seeing it from your perspective, your wounded pride, your status.

IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU

NOthing you, nobody you.

It's not about winning, or losing. It's about a vulnerable boy. It's about a very foolish woman creating havoc in a family dynamic. It's about a woman who says she's not competing with the mother of this boy, but she clearly is if she's talking about winning and losing.

It's still all about you then.

By telling him no I feel like I'm letting his mother win in her petty game. If I have to spend less time with him, I feel like I should be able to tell him why. Which is that his mother doesn't like it. I don't want to have to lie and say I'm busy or that I don't want to.

But if it's such a petty game, why are you playing it so hard?

The problem is not solely on the mother's side here by your own statements. You are just as desperate to win as you think she is. And the upsetting thing is that a teenage boy is the chosen battlefield.

You feel you should be able to do what you want. But what about what your stepson needs? And do you honestly imagine being dragged into the power battle between you and his mother figures in those needs?

You're jockeying with her for status in her son's life. Please, stop. Engage with her, communicate with her, try to listen and see if from her perspective. Can't you see, it doesn't matter who's right or wrong? What matters is your stepson's need for the adults to behave in an adult way.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding
It's still all about you then.
___--

No, it's about us. Me and the son. And it's also about me and my fiance and his son as a unit.

You do have every right to be there, but what this woman thinks of you isn't really your business. You should be playing the long game here. In a few years her son will be an adult and making his own choices. As he matures he will start to see the dynamic between you and his mother much more clearly. Always be respectful and if your fiance isn't around, defer to the ex on all matters relating to her son. You may not win her over, try as you might, but you have at least some of a chance if you take the moral high ground and act kindly and respectfully. If she is being disrespectful her son will see that, and he will also see you showing nothing but kindness back and he will think highly of you for doing so.

I imagine she would have reacted similarly to finding out her son had a sleep over at a friends house and the friends parents weren't home. She probably felt lied to. Keep her in the loop, ask for her permission excessively and keep the lines of communication open. At least that way you will know you've done everything you can.

This is all about you asserting your legitimacy and denying your insecurities
Your language is v confrontational to the wife,why?you come across insecure
Your role is never going to be mother figure,it's stepmum.important but different to mum

Page 11 and you're still banging on with the same theme you were at the start. Did you post to get lots of 'how dare she's'? You didn't get that, you got 'how dare YOU'. But you ain't listening, cos u is important here, he adores you, you get on so well, you're indispensible, she's just jealous.

he adores you because you've made yourself important in his life. Your role was to be the adult and keep things at a distance, let it cook slowly. But no, you waded in ('we get on so well!'). The mother is protecting her boy from a woman like YOU.

Maybe have a break and read it all again tomorrow. Let's hope, for this family's sake, it sinks in.

Springy yes op is being quite immature, but to say she is a nobody is downright nasty and not constructive. She is a valid member of the family, and once her df marries her she will have some sort of fami,ial connection to the boy. Mabey it's best if he does take the bus or walk, he needs to establish independence. Mabey write mum a letter or just simply back off a bit

I tell you what, if this woman really was a villain by going off with someone else, she's got her karma in you.

Coldlightofday

And, errrr..his mum?

Her relationship with her son is her business, not mine. Just like the relationship between him and his father and me is my and his father's business, not hers.

Having said that, the ds is round his dads a lot, it's very difficult for op. they can't tell him not to come over. I think do away with this step mum rubbish and just be natural, drop the attitude and you will be fine

You're so not getting it.you and the ex relationship with son is mum business
3adults,in a triangulation,who all have niggles and competing loyalties
You're so preoccupied by the mum,its impairing your ability to be objective

You really are making it a competition about who he likes the best OP and you're determined it's going to be you.
While his mum, who has him the vast majority of the time has to parent a 15 year old boy with all the care and discipline that takes.
She can't always be his pal, she needs to see he's working hard at school, doesn't get mixed up with the wrong crowd, take drugs, smoke, advise about not getting a girl pregnant, all the hard things mums of teenagers have to do while bringing him up to be a confident young mum.
With you he doesn't have to worry about that as you spoil him for your own agenda.
Say no to the lifts from rugby, he needs to learn independence, he's 15 years old and needs to learn that he won't have everybody at his beck and call while you're enabling it.

No, it's about us. Me and the son. And it's also about me and my fiance and his son as a unit.

Wow, you really are not listening are you.

the relationship between him and his father and me is my and his father's business, not hers.

Not entirely. If the father and you are not protecting the boy's best interests - and you are not - then it becomes her business.

I'm sure she wishes her ex had shacked up with someone sensible. I doubt very much if she enjoys the hassle you are causing. Most people want an easy life and, when a child gets to 15, a parent hopes to be coming into the home strait.

Then you came along.

You really don't get it, do you? If you carry on like this, you will damage this boy, because you are causing trouble in his family. And by his family, I mean him and his parents. You are important too, but the dynamic between those three is much much more important from the boy's point of view.

If you can't see that, you have no business becoming a step parent IMO.