and a control freak of a mum or have I picked the wrong men to have children with?

[flummoxedbanana]

My exH and I separated when our DD was almost two years old. He was abusive which was the main reason but a big part of the reason I left was how he was with our DD. He paid little attention to her and was very much focussed on me; from his viewpoint he said I was too focussed on DD and not on him. He spent no time alone with her at all, never changed a single nappy, never fed her once she started solids, never looked after her when she was ill and so on. He would do things that were downright dangerous. For instance, I asked him to bring a screwdriver in with him from the other room and he sent a just toddling DD running in with it, he let her climb on the glass TV cabinet and pull at the TV on an odd occasion he looked after her etc. He would do things to purposely anger DD - i.e. she hated being watched on the potty but he'd sit and stare at her, she hated being held still but he'd tell me to pin her down to dress her etc. He made everything stressful and DD was always upset when he was around.

I now have an 18 month old with new DH. He is a very good father and happily changes nappies and spends time with our DD while I'm busy reading etc with my DD but I'm beginning to find it similarly stressful when he's around. He had three or four days off per week as he works shifts so he's well aware of DD's routine and how she is used to things being done but still doesn't do it the same way. For example, she hates having her nappy changed and getting dressed. I usually put a toy alongside her which makes noises and give her one to hold which distracts her and I get it all done with no upset. He, however, keeps saying repeatedly for 5-10 minutes before nappy change/dressing 'shall we change your nappy?' and she is whinging and crying about it, then when he eventually starts to do it she is full-blown crying and thrashing about and it takes five times as long to do it then she runs to me to comfort her.

If she is upset because she's hurt or whatever, she wants me but DH will intercept her route to me and pick her up despite her pushing him away. He will then hold onto her despite her screaming and struggling to be put down. I don't think this is the way to teach her to settle with him and it upsets me when she's reaching for me and he's effectively taking her away and upsetting her far more than was necessary.

She is quite a fussy eater and eats very little so I do not really 'do' unhealthy snacks. When he has been looking after her, he feeds her pretty much whatever shuts her up - biscuits, crisps, chocolate etc. This then leads to her eating being worse for days, her whinging for snacks, demanding at vending machines etc. I spend days encouraging her to eat what we're eating, he has her for a few hours and she's back to square one and asking for snacks.

If he looks after her, he thinks the less sleep she has in the day the better she'll sleep at night. This is not true and it leads to me having an unsettled night with her as he has never got up with her at night. I have explained this repeatedly, but still he does it.

She hates getting washed in the bath. I let her play then do it right at the end. He starts saying 'shall we wash you?' as soon as she gets in the bath, meaning she's crying within a minute in poor DD1's ear and it spoils bathtime for everyone.

My exH said I was very controlling with our DD and that it was 'my way or no way.' I understand everyone has different ways of parenting and that's fine, but toddlers don't really understand that in my opinion - they like consistency. If there's a way to do something which results in no upset, I don't know why you'd do it a different way which results in hysteria. AIBU and controlling to think this?

Imagine trying to deal with your kid under constant scrutiny by somebody else and constantly being told you're doing it wrong?

If my child was upset every time I tried to do something with her but she wasn't like that with someone else then I would try to do things the way that they do it. Why wouldn't I?

YANBU OP, my XH was like your DH and no amount of discussing things or leaving him to it changed anything. It's just plain nasty for a parent to do things to a child that upsets them when there are other appropriate ways of doing those things.

I was washing up, for example, and she was hanging off my ankles he'd ignore her rather than using that time to try and interact

Yanbu

You have very bad judgment in men. Choose better next time. An wait longer before having dc.

I think you're being very reasonable because you're simply trying to parent effectively and in the best interests of you and your daughter.

I think any co-parent who doesn't muck in when something is tried and tested to work, is being obstinate. If you did that with medical interventions you'd get nowhere! We follow what is proven to work and it makes sense to do that with children too.

If my DH has a good tip of the day for our kids then in personally grateful for the heads up and try it for myself too. If it works for me as well then great! Job done. Obviously if it doesn't work for me then I'd review it.

It's all about being flexible and open to good ideas.

And of course it's daft to ignore the most effective way to get the best out of your child.

So i'm with you all the way.

Tinker, come on, if a child is happily doing something you don't sit next to them and try to cajole them into doing something else, that's the behaviour of a toddler who doesn't understand social rules yet. Similarly I don't think that a child who is getting underfoot is usually crying when doing so, they're just poking around looking for attention - a perfect time for someone else to try to draw them into a different activity.

Nina that is unhelpful.

Laughingeyes, I agree.

He blames you for gist summation of your daughters behaviour when his shift patterns allow home ample tome at home and by tour own admission you nice him plenty of space to parent her?...

There are some serious problems here and they nerd to be addressed pronto. Your DH is what I've suspected and things need to change quickly obey way or another. He is a controlling bully. He is not currently taking any responsibility fir his parenting choices: its all your fault. I've been there and done that: nothing made it better fir my situation apart from him not being in our life.

Hugs OP

Auto-correct writes some amazing posts

Tinker: at least if he 'did or he didn't' all the time dd would have some consistency rather than running to me whenever he's near because she's not sure if he's going to take her away. I agree the washing up occasions are the perfect time to distract and play as she understands I'm busy. When it's just the children and I she'll play happily in the other room while I do it, it's only when he's there that she hangs off me.

Tonight made me cross. He'd been out all day and I hadddinner ready on the table. The children had already had theirs earlier but I'd put some snacks on the highchair for dd in case she wanted to sit with us. Within two mins of us sitting down she, predictably, came to me with arms up to join us. He rushed to pick her up, from behind which she hates, and walked off to the kitchen with her screaming and crying to get down. He waited for a minute, then put her down and she came running back to me crying. She was then too upset to go in her highchair meaning I ate with her on my lap.

When I washed up my other dd played with her in the kitchen as dd wouldn't go in the other room with dh. She hadn't eaten much tea earlier so I put her in the highchair after washing up to have her snacks and dh walked in eating cake then proceeded to push her healthy snacks aside and feed it to her, completely undermining me I feel. I started to tidy the toys and dd came to help but he did the calling her name and sittingright in her face thing so she started clinging to me and wanting to be picked up. Rather than help tidy so I could do so, or explain that I'm busy and distract which dd understands, he then just sat on his phone.

He's away this week on a course and I have a feeling that it's going to be a lot easier without him here, but very difficult when he comes back. I just think surely it should be easier with two parents on hand rather than making it more difficult? But then I'm torn as after the initial protests she's ok with dh once I'm upstairs reading with other dd. Though I suspect that could involve food bribery as she was then hyperactive and up until 11pm!

You seriously need to look, this next week, at what is working for your children and you.

You're right - it should be easier, it's definitely not supposed to make it more difficult.

And "easier" in the sense of more than just a pair of hands, too - food bribery isn't really making it easier if she's up really late!

Be kind you yourself, it's easy to fall into a relationship that isn't working at ANY one of your life, especially more so when you're dealing with a massive breakup and trying to pick up and move on.

At first you hold into the hope that this lovely distraction may turn into something real and lasting, but it's really difficult to be on your own back at the starting point again.

You won't stay there but its a healthy place to be until your built yourself back up again. You've got a lot of grieving and guilt to deal with, as well as adjusting to single-parenthood. All very hard. Do-able, but a difficult adjustment when your emotions are pulled in 100 different directions all at once.

So once again, be gentle on your self. One day this will be a horrible memory that you wont even need to look back on, from your new and much happier place in the future. If only we could see our good times ahead before we get there!

Oh my life, they was sent to completely the wrong thread! How DID that happen?!!!! Please ignore!

Oh, gods, this is so messed up!

Why on earth didn't he want your dd to sit with the rest of the family while you were eating tea?!

And yes, the cake thing sounds very unhelpful indeed.

I am not yet ready to retract my suggestion that he may not mean to be quite so...yeah, and that it's more that his parenting methods are seriously awry - simply because I believe that when it comes down to it, there are very very few people alive who DELIBERATELY set out to do the wrong thing and hurt others, especially their own partners and children, but...it's looking dodgier by the day isn't it?

And "dd wouldn't go in the other room with dh".

So it's not just that dd prefers you to him, she clings to you because she is actually afraid of him and doesn't feel safe with him around, without you?

Sheesh.

I really don't get people who come here for advise and then insist they are doing everything right.
Just for the sake of good order, you are being VeRY unreasonable. Your DH sounds lovely and your DD would get used to his ways if you just stop concentrating on what she hates and what she doesn't in your view. When she runs to you crying don't pick he up and say "daddy wants to help you darling" show some support too you know!

what do you want to happen flummox?

I'm very controlling, in your posts i seen snippets of me. Its something I've had to really try and take a back seat on. I've very independent due to me raising DD1 on my own due to her dad being shit. I was pushing DH out at first with DD2 then complaining he didnt help enough - but I never gave him chance, wouldn't even let him make a bottle at first. I found it very hard to relinquish some of the complete control over DD2.

Feeding her a bit of cake when she had 'healthy' snacks is'nt the end of the world. You see him winding her up 'sitting in her face' where i see it as trying to interact with her. Every thing he does irritates you. I dont think this is necessarily about DD2. Maybe this is just the natural end of the line for you and DH and your blaming it on his approach to her.

Dig deep fummox and see if you could be seeing slights that are not there. IF you can hand on heart say that he is as horrible as you are making out, abusive, mean, cruel then you must leave.

Flummox, you're painting quite an in-depth picture of life with your DH here but the problem is that every incident you describe is open to interpretation.

Some people interpret your behaviour as controlling despite the fact that you are telling us what you're thinking when he makes a hash of things and not that you are actually intervening and putting him down.

Some others feel that his consistent disruptions to your family life and the fact that your DD doesn't want to be near him are indicators that he's deliberately making things harder, possibly because he is jealous.

If he's not doing this on purpose, maybe he simply doesn't get why you do what you do. Perhaps you need to explicity say what you are doing and why, directly or indirectly, all the time so he is aware that you aren't second guessing your DCs but using tried and tested methods.

Try giving him and your DDs a running commentary of your actions and decisions. For example,

"Dinner is on the table DH. I've put DD's high chair out with some healthy snacks on it, even though she's already eaten, because she's bound to want to sit at the table with us and I'd rather not have her on my lap while I'm eating."

"DH, I'm putting some healthy snacks out for DD in the kitchen so she doesn't see the CAK_E you're eating in the living room, OK?"

When you're changing her nappy "DD, I know you don't like having your nappy changed so here's a toy to play with and I'll be as quick as I can."

Also you can explain very simple concepts to your other DD in his hearing so that he gets the information without feeling patronised.

Drip feeding information like this should ensure that he understands what you're doing to avoid conflict and why. If, despite all this explicit information, he continues to be confrontational and disruptive, you'll know he's doing it on purpose and, at that point I would think very carefully about ending the relationship.

It is hard when someone in the house is playing these kinds of mind games with toddlers but it will be 100 times more upsetting and damaging when they are older.

gold some really good points. The running commentary is what I did/do with DH as he was clueless and a little lazy

Puntastic: it wasn't that he didn't want her to sit with us. He makes the effort of taking her so my meal won't be disrupted but actually ends up disrupting it much more by taking her away.
Gold: some good suggestions, thank you. I often make comments via my older dd like make sure you put the toilet lid down so dd doesn't trap her fingers as he always leaves it open. I also talk to younger dd constantly commenting or whatever we're doing but I'mnot sure he listens.

it wasn't that he didn't want her to sit with us. He makes the effort of taking her so my meal won't be disrupted but actually ends up disrupting it much more by taking her away are you aware you are completely contradicting your self through this whole thread.

I genuinely believe your the one with the ishooooos here. I feel sorry for your DH.

"He rushed to pick her up, from behind which she hates, and walked off to the kitchen"

But you had the high chair right there, next to you yes? in case she wanted to sit with you?

And he took her AWAY to the kitchen.

This man is a prick of the highest order. he's doing all the wrong things, because he WANTS to and what's more, under the guise of 'being a good dad' (he's not, he's crap) and on top of all this, he's BLAMING you AND her for your reactions.

Use this week wisely. Do some proper thinking about what is best for your girls.

You traded a Level 10 abusive arsehole for a Level 2 pathetic bullying prick.

he makes out like he's trying to help you with her so you can eat your lunch undisturbed, however he works up to a level of hysteria where she ends up clinging to you and you eat lunch with her sat on your lap.

I'd understand if it was the first time he'd done this, but he seems to be doing it as a regular thing.

He doesn't want to help. Your only problem is him, even your eldest DD knows how to parent your youngest without winding her up. Which tells me there is nothing wrong with you or the children.

Is he the guy that would plonk your DD age about twelve months on your lap when you were cuddled up reading to your older DD because he resented you spending time with older DD, who is not his child?

He did used to do that Hansie, yes. We now generally read in her bedroom with door closed and tell DH we'll come out when done rather than he bring dd in. Dd is a lot happier to spend time with him now than she was - just not if we're there.

So you're already telling him indirectly what you're doing and why. Most people would take that information on board and use it if their child was getting that distressed by what they were doing with her. He's choosing to ignore that an plough in his own furrow regardless of her well being.

OK. The next step is to explain everything directly to him. Tell him what you've planned I advance all the time so he knows what you're doing and exactly why. If he still disrupts things, you can sit down quietly later and ask him to talk about what was giving on for him, why he decided his way was better and whether, given the resulting distress, he still thinks his way was right.

Give him every chance to learn and adapt his approach and, if he is still determined that he's going to do everything the difficult way, you know things are never going to get any better.

This isn't you, OP. It's him. You clearly don't swoop in and take over or stand around criticising and rolling your eyes. He stubbornly does things his way, not the way that works best for his own DD, then hands the resulting mess to you to sort out.

Just to be clear, it's isn't about him choosing between your way and his way. It's about him choosing to impose his will on a child just for the sake of doing it.

Picking your battles and getting unpleasant tasks over swiftly and with minimum fuss is not allowing the toddler to run the show, being controlling or being over protective. It is good parenting.