and a control freak of a mum or have I picked the wrong men to have children with?

[flummoxedbanana]

My exH and I separated when our DD was almost two years old. He was abusive which was the main reason but a big part of the reason I left was how he was with our DD. He paid little attention to her and was very much focussed on me; from his viewpoint he said I was too focussed on DD and not on him. He spent no time alone with her at all, never changed a single nappy, never fed her once she started solids, never looked after her when she was ill and so on. He would do things that were downright dangerous. For instance, I asked him to bring a screwdriver in with him from the other room and he sent a just toddling DD running in with it, he let her climb on the glass TV cabinet and pull at the TV on an odd occasion he looked after her etc. He would do things to purposely anger DD - i.e. she hated being watched on the potty but he'd sit and stare at her, she hated being held still but he'd tell me to pin her down to dress her etc. He made everything stressful and DD was always upset when he was around.

I now have an 18 month old with new DH. He is a very good father and happily changes nappies and spends time with our DD while I'm busy reading etc with my DD but I'm beginning to find it similarly stressful when he's around. He had three or four days off per week as he works shifts so he's well aware of DD's routine and how she is used to things being done but still doesn't do it the same way. For example, she hates having her nappy changed and getting dressed. I usually put a toy alongside her which makes noises and give her one to hold which distracts her and I get it all done with no upset. He, however, keeps saying repeatedly for 5-10 minutes before nappy change/dressing 'shall we change your nappy?' and she is whinging and crying about it, then when he eventually starts to do it she is full-blown crying and thrashing about and it takes five times as long to do it then she runs to me to comfort her.

If she is upset because she's hurt or whatever, she wants me but DH will intercept her route to me and pick her up despite her pushing him away. He will then hold onto her despite her screaming and struggling to be put down. I don't think this is the way to teach her to settle with him and it upsets me when she's reaching for me and he's effectively taking her away and upsetting her far more than was necessary.

She is quite a fussy eater and eats very little so I do not really 'do' unhealthy snacks. When he has been looking after her, he feeds her pretty much whatever shuts her up - biscuits, crisps, chocolate etc. This then leads to her eating being worse for days, her whinging for snacks, demanding at vending machines etc. I spend days encouraging her to eat what we're eating, he has her for a few hours and she's back to square one and asking for snacks.

If he looks after her, he thinks the less sleep she has in the day the better she'll sleep at night. This is not true and it leads to me having an unsettled night with her as he has never got up with her at night. I have explained this repeatedly, but still he does it.

She hates getting washed in the bath. I let her play then do it right at the end. He starts saying 'shall we wash you?' as soon as she gets in the bath, meaning she's crying within a minute in poor DD1's ear and it spoils bathtime for everyone.

My exH said I was very controlling with our DD and that it was 'my way or no way.' I understand everyone has different ways of parenting and that's fine, but toddlers don't really understand that in my opinion - they like consistency. If there's a way to do something which results in no upset, I don't know why you'd do it a different way which results in hysteria. AIBU and controlling to think this?

He think he sounds extremely pathetic immature, and very hard to respect.

I would struggle with this man, long-term. The resentment would build and build. You need to find a way to sort this out. I wish I knew what to recommend.

Have you actually spoken to your DH about all this stuff? I can't see any mention of it.

And if you are picking on things 'don't do that, she'll have a tantrum' how does he react? Is there a way of phrasing things differently so he takes things on board.

If you are I wonder why he is still not changing things if your ways are working better?

When these things happen how does the interaction between you and him (and DD1) go, usually?

In public he hands her straight back, in private he wouldn't have confused this differing reactions from him must contribute to her upset, surely?

So he doesn't want other people to judge him for prolonging her distress but he doesn't care what you or she think of him doing it in private. He also clearly doesn't care a jot about whether he confuses her.

OP, he is self-absorbed and controlling.

You don't stop an upset child going to the person they want for comfort for any good reasons. You do it because you resent their relationship and you want to disrupt it.

YANBU to expect him to deal with her with minimum distress to her. He IBVU to make a point of doing things his way. If his way made her happier I could almost understand but this feels awfully like he's getting something out of showing you and her that he will do it how he sees fit no matter what.

You're not being controlling and any decent nursery practitioner or childminder would do things the way you suggest in order to cause minimum distress so it's perfectly reasonable for you to expect him to keep things consistent wherever possible.

I this was you being controlling you'd be feeling resentful because your DH was doing things the 'wrong' way but she would be happy to be with him and be cared for by him. She clearly feels very negative about how he behaves around her too.

Init - you are taking the OP's words an twisting them - she has clearly said she doesn't come running - she leaves him to it.

If this man wants to be close to his daughter he's being very counterintuitive - which is very sad.

I'm with Hissy - clueless at best, controlling petulant nasty bully at worst.

OP have you had a chance to talk to your DH yet?

OH OP I missed your post. Okay, well children can go through phases of being pretty upset ;if it isn't always the main caregiver in their sight (I am very grateful that so far mine haven't been like this, how exhausting!) but you've mentioned that your MIL doesn't get this kind of reaction and she sees DD even less than DH does?

I feel that the more likely reason she cries is because she doesn't trust him - and for good reason. He continually breaks her trust, confuses her. There's nothing there to trust.

OP - I cant' find where you say how often he is home....could you clarify?

Hissy I think you may have misinterpreted what I said. We're actually saying pretty much the same thing, I think.

What on earth is he doing when he shuts them in the room?

Is he doing it to prevent her access to you or is he doing it so you don't see what's happening?

People who know there is nothing wrong with disapline methods they use don't tend to shut themselves in other rooms to do it and they also tend not to act differently in public.

Like a number of others I am not sure what to make of your DH's behaviour. I think it could certainly be cackhanded parenting rather than the more sinister things various other posters have mentioned.

Against that background I am going to ask one last time (others have asked this too and have also been ignored so far) OP have you had a proper conversation with your DH about this? Have you discussed the different approaches and the reasons for them? If not then although he is certainly an ineffective parent ay the least, I don't think you are being fair to anyone, including your DD2. By that I mean that if you feel strongly that the way he treats her is not right then you owe it to her to bring this up with him openly so that it can be addressed.

Malcolm, OP started her thread to ask whether he WBU to accuse her of being controlling and "her way or no way" wrt childcare. I think it's safe to assume, therefore, they've had discussions about it.

I can't find anywhere where is states how long dh is around for ? Is he only home for a short time aday, few hours , weekends?

If any one knows can they highlight it!

He has 3/4 days off per week and sees her for around 3 hours each day on his work days, so far more than average I think.

He's commented that dd2 is whingey. I've said she isn't like it usually and he gets huffy and says 'must all be my fault then.' He thinks she's too clingy to me but again, she isn't clingy when he isn't here. I think it's natural that considering she's used to me playing with her that when he's here and drapes himself all over me that she isn't going to like it. I was physically carrying her for 8 hours on our day out yesterday because he dare not upset her in public - in my opinion he can't be surprised that she then isn't keen on going to him when we get home.

garlic I'm not sure that's right. In the OP she says her ex said she was "my way or else" but I haven't seen mention of a similar accusation from the current DH. There is also a lot of "surely he should have noticed that my way works better" stuff from the OP which makes me think that she has not addressed this directly with her DH.

I see you're right, malcolm, sorry. Flummoxed, what happens when you talk to him about it?

I don't want to hover and criticise which is the difficultlyin discussing it as he'll feel scrutinised. I think he just isn't that bothered when children cry and moan and thinks it's what they 'do.' One of his children was the same age as dd when we met and used to be whingy and upset a lot and dh seemed to just shrug it off rather than look for solutions - I.e. Hunger, tirednessand so on - wwhich I think I do.

Are you scared of discussing it, after XH's criticisms?

I've tried to let him find his own way as suggested. I've defended her if he's said she's grumpy/whiny/a drama queen and pointed out reasons why she's behaving like it - I.e. She doesn't like having her hair washed so don't mention it or get the shampoo until you're ready to do it then she won't cry. Dd1 is more vocal with him. For example, if she and I are reading and dd2 is busy playing he'll keep sitting right next to her saying her name and trying to distract her to play with something else with him. I appreciate this is trying to interact with her, however he wouldn't do it usually. He knows her reaction will be to whinge at him to go away then come running to me when he doesn't and dd1 gets cross with him for 'interfering.' if I was washing up, for example, and she was hanging off my ankles he'd ignore her rather than using that time to try and interact.

He's nothing like exH and I know he wouldn't be as unkind. But I know I'm a very capable and independent person and that this can lead to DH not feeling needed. He's much more sensitive so I want to deal with it sensitively.

Perhaps then the thing to do is pick one or two key things, then pick a time to discuss them that is as calmas possible - I.e. not whem kids are around and not when there's been am emotional incident. Then have a calm discussion which includes an honest explanation of how you feel, the problems you feel are being caused for DD and questions about how he feels the situation is going eg. "We seem to spend a lot of time with DD a bit unhappy and us dealing with it in different ways - it's making me stressed and quite unhappy, what about you?"

I get what you say about him feeling scrutinised but the current situation seems full of tension, resentment and lack of confidence on all sides and probably both of you trying to second guess the other. A proper discussion may not sort it out but at least you'll have a better idea of where you stand and whether DH can become a more effective parent.

Sorry for typos - one handed on phone.

Thank you for answering. I'm afraid he sounds like a right arse to me! After spending time with you pointing out WHY DD2's upset, any normal bloke would have learned something. Yours seems to wilfully ignore her feelings, choosing to make his own point (that he's more important than her) despite her distress. Not very nice.

It also upsets me that DD1 says it's miserable at home when he's there.

The reading with dd1 situation looks, to me, like he's deliberately wound HIS dd up so he ruins your time with YOUR dd.

He's jealous and resentful, he's not happy if you, dd1 and dd2 are happy/content and seemingly has to spoil it.

You've given him the key to everyone getting on and he's doing the opposite.

He's making your life a misery, and actually using your baby to do it.

This christmas make him do some nightshifts. (although be prepared for it to be a total disaster with him losing his temper and waking the whole house)

I don't think he IS meaning it sinisterly but that isn't really the point - the point is that either he's not realising that his selfish power-based approach is having a negative effect on her (Bad because it shows a lack of empathy in general - not great for fostering a good relationship between them) OR he is so stubborn that in that moment he doesn't care what it's doing to their relationship because his focus is just on winning (bad for fairly obvious reasons) Or the other possibility is that he feels his "authoritarian" parenting will force her to respect him and the fact that she's playing up for him at the moment is just ammo for him to up the scale of the "authority". Which actually doesn't work unless both parents subscribe to it, and doesn't tend to work fantastically well anyway because it leads to a relationship based on fear/power rather than love and respect. With two parents each displaying one of these parenting styles, it's clear which one she will be drawn towards although her behaviour may be worse for you/in general as a result of his high standards for her behaviour.

I think that MrsMalcolm has the best suggestion for trying to sort it out but I would seriously be reevaluating whether he's a good influence to have around at all :( Overall the impression isn't great, if it swung the other way and he had a few moments where he didn't deal with things fantastically, then fine, but it sounds almost like he's antagonising more situations than he's helping.

Would he read a parenting book? How To Talk So Kids Will Listen is a great antidote to this kind of parenting if he is falling into the authoritarian trap. (Which, to be fair, my DP does sometimes, but he is generally great with DS and they have a good relationship and he will take suggestions from me as to how to deal with situations rather than totally ignoring stuff that I'm doing which works, so it's not a problem that occasionally he deals with stuff in a way that I wouldn't.)

Also I wanted to say that this is ringing alarm bells for me:

I'm a very capable and independent person and that this can lead to DH not feeling needed. He's much more sensitive so I want to deal with it sensitively.

BE CAREFUL. Being "sensitive" about "not being needed" can very, very easily translate as "control freak" and "emotionally needy". It's a red flag. Of course one red flag doesn't mean he's absolutely definitely a grade A abuser but it's really not a good sign when a man doesn't like you being independent. It's not really healthy for any adult to want to be needed, especially needed by another adult.

Please do not write off any signs which are niggling at you because he is nothing like your ex - it doesn't mean that he's not an abuser, just of a different kind. I really hope he is not, but I think it's fair to say keep your eyes open and really look at the effect he is having on your girls, especially if he's not open to suggestions/criticism about his current parenting methods.