and a control freak of a mum or have I picked the wrong men to have children with?

[flummoxedbanana]

My exH and I separated when our DD was almost two years old. He was abusive which was the main reason but a big part of the reason I left was how he was with our DD. He paid little attention to her and was very much focussed on me; from his viewpoint he said I was too focussed on DD and not on him. He spent no time alone with her at all, never changed a single nappy, never fed her once she started solids, never looked after her when she was ill and so on. He would do things that were downright dangerous. For instance, I asked him to bring a screwdriver in with him from the other room and he sent a just toddling DD running in with it, he let her climb on the glass TV cabinet and pull at the TV on an odd occasion he looked after her etc. He would do things to purposely anger DD - i.e. she hated being watched on the potty but he'd sit and stare at her, she hated being held still but he'd tell me to pin her down to dress her etc. He made everything stressful and DD was always upset when he was around.

I now have an 18 month old with new DH. He is a very good father and happily changes nappies and spends time with our DD while I'm busy reading etc with my DD but I'm beginning to find it similarly stressful when he's around. He had three or four days off per week as he works shifts so he's well aware of DD's routine and how she is used to things being done but still doesn't do it the same way. For example, she hates having her nappy changed and getting dressed. I usually put a toy alongside her which makes noises and give her one to hold which distracts her and I get it all done with no upset. He, however, keeps saying repeatedly for 5-10 minutes before nappy change/dressing 'shall we change your nappy?' and she is whinging and crying about it, then when he eventually starts to do it she is full-blown crying and thrashing about and it takes five times as long to do it then she runs to me to comfort her.

If she is upset because she's hurt or whatever, she wants me but DH will intercept her route to me and pick her up despite her pushing him away. He will then hold onto her despite her screaming and struggling to be put down. I don't think this is the way to teach her to settle with him and it upsets me when she's reaching for me and he's effectively taking her away and upsetting her far more than was necessary.

She is quite a fussy eater and eats very little so I do not really 'do' unhealthy snacks. When he has been looking after her, he feeds her pretty much whatever shuts her up - biscuits, crisps, chocolate etc. This then leads to her eating being worse for days, her whinging for snacks, demanding at vending machines etc. I spend days encouraging her to eat what we're eating, he has her for a few hours and she's back to square one and asking for snacks.

If he looks after her, he thinks the less sleep she has in the day the better she'll sleep at night. This is not true and it leads to me having an unsettled night with her as he has never got up with her at night. I have explained this repeatedly, but still he does it.

She hates getting washed in the bath. I let her play then do it right at the end. He starts saying 'shall we wash you?' as soon as she gets in the bath, meaning she's crying within a minute in poor DD1's ear and it spoils bathtime for everyone.

My exH said I was very controlling with our DD and that it was 'my way or no way.' I understand everyone has different ways of parenting and that's fine, but toddlers don't really understand that in my opinion - they like consistency. If there's a way to do something which results in no upset, I don't know why you'd do it a different way which results in hysteria. AIBU and controlling to think this?

And I have to say giving a 5 minute warning for something that a child hates and the parent knows the child hates and the parent is well aware of another way that doesn't cause the child distress is not, absolutely not, normal parenting at all. It's something else (what exactly without actually being able to see all the other communication that will be going on (facial expression, body language, tones of voice) I'm just not sure what exactly it is. But it's certainly not what a normal, reasonable, observant, reflective, positive parent would do. Either get it over with if everything a parent can think of trying hasn't' worked, or use a different approach that you have found/witnessed works. It is not normal to repeatedly cause your child prolonged distress over something that has to be done several times a day every single day unless you have no other option. \this man has other options - he either can't or won't explore them.

Garlic - where I have I encouraged the OP to have a relationship with him? I wasn't' away this had become a "should I LTB" thread. I was just trying to offer suggestions as to what might be going on - if that I how he really is, completely unable to court empathy, then I'd say there's a very big problem. The OP is in the best position to figure out what is going on, I just can't jump on one particulare bandwagon because I don't have all the information.

I did not in any way tell the OP she must/must not continue her relationship with her DH.

I don't think yabu at all. if my dp did any of those things I would be really annoyed.

He lets his other children pretty much do as they like. I feel as though he feels as though he has no control over them as they're only here some of the time and so he wants to exert that control over our dd instead. He has also commented that we all seem happier when he's at work and dd1 has actively said: 'if you do x instead of y she won't cry' and he's gone on to do y instead.

purrtrillpadpadpad - spot on. Yay, bunting for the demon robot hairwasher!

I don't like the thing where he is attention seeking to you at the expense of the dcs either. That is a weird power thing.

The parenting course - that would be a good idea if the dynamic is different for some reason so he is able to put his power complex aside and

a agree to go
b listen when he is there
c put it into practice at home

• if this happens, and he becomes a better parent, then good for the child who will presumably have less reason to cry and be upset and have disrupted sleep and diet (seriously, is there anything more basic or important with small-child-care than sleep and diet?)

but it won't get over the basic disrespect for the op evinced by the fact that she already knows how to parent, he doesn't, and he won't listen. He could have been doing a parenting course at home for the baby's lifetime if he wasn't so power-crazed.

This is uncomfortable reading Op. You know you're not being unreasonable. I think this is a different thread now.

oh god I have just read that even dc1 knows how to parent dc2 better than the op's partner

From that last post I'm more and more inclined to the he's a twat camp.

Is he jealous of your relationship with your girls?

Why did his previous marriage breakdown?

Explain to him that everything we do has an effect, and that each person is different. the clue is to find what works with them and go with it, as long as it's reasonable.

If your DD knows how to manage DD2, and tells him and he still doesn't listen, then change plan...

I assume he has time off over christmas?

Swap shifts - tell him that he gets a whole 24 hours to see what the effects of his daytime has on the night.

Show him the difference. A day where you do what you know what works (he does the nightshift) and then he does his dayshift AND sees the effects it has on the night.

Glad Im not the only one feeling uncomfortable - I was worried I might be projecting my own experiences.

OP what are your instincts telling you - apart from NBU.

Ok the control thing is odd and obviously the wrong approach to parenting! I will say again though that I think the OP has a responsibility to have a proper and open discussion with her DH about this. OP has this ever happened?

OP - what do you think about moving this over to relationships? There are some really really excellent MN members who frequent there who might be able to help too...this all seems to have become far more than just an AIBU type of post.

I've read through all of this, I agree first husband is a dick.
Second husband I feel desperately sorry for. For four pages you have been told quite gently that yes, you're being unreasonable. Everytime you have replied it's been about the way you perceive things and about what you want. Everything is I feel I think. You don't give him a chance with your dd and you don't give your dd a chance with her dad. Yes, I know you leave the room, don't spy etc. but it's all building up in your head that your way is the better way. So what if she's over tired some days, all children get fractious and it's often nothing to do with parenting or otherwise. Give them both a break.

4 pages of being told she's BU? Really?

"it's all building up in your head that your way is the better way."

It feels to me as if her way probably is the better way! Why do you think this is a delusion? Because a man who does anything at all is a hero?

Looking after your children is probably the most important thing you can do, and yet god forbid you should expect your partner in this to do it properly. For some reason (I suggest because it is usually talking about men, who have brainwashed so many into thinking they may not be criticised in the home) this is one area where some people think there is no such thing as "doing a shit job" - no, he is "doing it his own way".

Filing a bunch of crap at a media company, which is far less important in the grand scheme of things, is an example of something where someone is not allowed to "do it their own way". They have to do it right. Same for pretty much anything else.

If, with him, the child is eating crap, not eating the good stuff because of the crap, has disrupted sleep, is often unnecessarily unhappy during routine events like washing and dressing - and this is not true with the other parent - he is doing a shit job.

Sorry, I should have been clearer, looking after a poorly dh is my excuse.
Yes Youretoast you are right, I should have added and meant to add that some discussion and compromise seemed to be missing, on all parts. And no, I don't think a man who helps is a hero, he's a man who helps.

I misunderstood your 'empathy' comment, cherry, sorry. Dawn, I'm glad you've taken a softer position with OP but I need to point out that Everything is 'I feel I think' is precisely how we are taught to express ourselves in conflict resolution. Flummoxed asked if she IBU and she's absolutely correct to tell us how she feels & what she thinks.

In this case, it looks clear to me that she needs to know how she feels, because her H pays scant attention to it - and to how her daughters feel, as well. Frustration that he lacks control over his own children doesn't really explain it - unless control is his main objective wrt children. I think he's projecting when he accuses you of being controlling, OP.

Doing a bit of projecting myself, I know my sibs & I used to cheek our extremely controlling father, in circumstances where he wasn't able to rage as usual. Wonder if there's a bit of that going on during contact visits with you?

he sounds like he isn't a natural parent and that is fine- lots aren't. but when one parent is struggling they normally take their lead from the more competent parent.

I'm my own relationship something I am better at and some things dp. if I see that my dp is resolving a situation with better results than I have had with my way then I will adopt his way- surely that is logical?! it is unkind to cause upset to your children when there is no need. op yanbu

Conflict resolution - I was pondering the same thing - how come we're taught to use these statements in conflict resolution and yet when we do use them we're told it's wrong?

These posts remind me of my relationship with my Ex-H - and it's so the polar opposite of my current relationship. Parent's do do things differently, but not to the continual detriment of the children and the household in general and when you sit down to talk with your partner about things that are troubling you a partner who cares about his/her relationship doesn't throw about inflammatory accusations and sulks etc.

It sounds as though you both need to sit down and have a frank discussion about the way you do things in the house - the way things are being done at the moment obviously isn't working, but it sounds like you are in a bit of a power struggle whereby you try to point your husband in the direction of your methods, he reacts by ignoring the advice (to prove a point?) and is determined to force things to work the way he thinks they should, and there is no middle ground.
Is there anything he does better than you? Could you at least extend an olive branch of sorts by saying 'I did x the way you do it today and it worked really well' to show that you are on board with changing the way you do things as well? I'm not suggesting that you pussyfoot or pander, but broaching the subject is bound to make him defensive, so if you can demonstrate that you are keen to find solutions that work for EVERYONE in the house, then he might be more open to listening.
Either way, it sounds like you need to do something as your current situation sounds miserable for all of you, including him.

It is really difficult to know who is the controlling one here, we really only have one side of the story. If my partner was constantly criticising the way I parented, or jumped on top of the way I was doing things cos ds cried while I was changing his nappy (it happens! I just get on with it) I would start getting v defensive. And if my sd starting criticising the way I parented my child I would find it v difficult to keep my temper. But then again maybe objectively he is crap - I think it's hard to tell here!

It's hard isn't it. I am assuming your DH is out at work all day and you are with DD all of the time?

It can be hard for Dads. We are with our babies all day and can establish our routines, get to know our babies and find out what does and what doesn't work. DH don't often get this opportunity.

I'd try and relax a little and do things together now and again.

We don't often realize that Dads are vulnerable to feeling crap and are often anxious about getting it right. Its a difficult time for them. Be kind.

You need to find a way to parent as a team. It is not easy. The little irks and quirks we and our partners have are magnified when we have children.

Spend some days together parenting as a team, focus on the things your DH does well rather than the deficits. He will be anxious if he feels you are scrutinizing his parenting.

I haven't read the whole thread but having read a few more posts I would hazard that your DH has low self esteem.

Sadly, many Dads are not equipped or supported to parent in the same way that mothers are. Systems and structures that are in place to support separating or struggling parents fall in favour of mothers. The dominant theme is that there are a lot of fairly powerless and under confident fathers out there.

It is sad.

OP FWIW I really think YANBU but you are getting a tough time here. Have you asked him why he behaves in this way ie doing the wind up rather than just change the nappy etc? Can you discuss it with him or does he get the arse if you try?

My DH has similar days off so is off for 3-4 days at a time. He started getting like this but was willing to listen when I explained why method a was better than method b. And now is much better although still sounds like he's talking to a teenager rather than a toddler.

The food is a big issue that he needs to be consistent with you as it's heath reasons plus tbh why give a baby chocolate when they are happy to have other things! !

Sleep - this is where he must get involved in the night. If he doesn't get the good nap equals good night sleep and won't stick to routine then he gets the consequences. And 4 days off should be long enough to learn.

It is not normal to watch them getting upset and carrying on regardless so something needs to change

I also get the me first idea.

To me my kids needs come first as they are little and need me but DH often starts saying give me a kiss or pulling me about for a cuddle when the baby is crying which pisses me off as he puts his wants above their needs.

He has asked who comes first as says I am above the kids in his mind and I have told him that its the other way round for me and while they are small they come first.

Also I have a toddler who has always got on much better with routine so I do know how you feel.

Dealing with DD2 night wakings myself now and DH waa moaning about how I shouldn't do x I should do y instead. I told him if he was going to get up in the night to deal with her then he can say the way to do it but if I am doing it on my own then I'll do what works for me. .

This above almost sounds similar to what your DH is doing but his way is not working for him. What does he say if you suggest doing it differently? As if he's not willing to try another way then that is controlling behaviour from him - my way or non.