and a control freak of a mum or have I picked the wrong men to have children with?

[flummoxedbanana]

My exH and I separated when our DD was almost two years old. He was abusive which was the main reason but a big part of the reason I left was how he was with our DD. He paid little attention to her and was very much focussed on me; from his viewpoint he said I was too focussed on DD and not on him. He spent no time alone with her at all, never changed a single nappy, never fed her once she started solids, never looked after her when she was ill and so on. He would do things that were downright dangerous. For instance, I asked him to bring a screwdriver in with him from the other room and he sent a just toddling DD running in with it, he let her climb on the glass TV cabinet and pull at the TV on an odd occasion he looked after her etc. He would do things to purposely anger DD - i.e. she hated being watched on the potty but he'd sit and stare at her, she hated being held still but he'd tell me to pin her down to dress her etc. He made everything stressful and DD was always upset when he was around.

I now have an 18 month old with new DH. He is a very good father and happily changes nappies and spends time with our DD while I'm busy reading etc with my DD but I'm beginning to find it similarly stressful when he's around. He had three or four days off per week as he works shifts so he's well aware of DD's routine and how she is used to things being done but still doesn't do it the same way. For example, she hates having her nappy changed and getting dressed. I usually put a toy alongside her which makes noises and give her one to hold which distracts her and I get it all done with no upset. He, however, keeps saying repeatedly for 5-10 minutes before nappy change/dressing 'shall we change your nappy?' and she is whinging and crying about it, then when he eventually starts to do it she is full-blown crying and thrashing about and it takes five times as long to do it then she runs to me to comfort her.

If she is upset because she's hurt or whatever, she wants me but DH will intercept her route to me and pick her up despite her pushing him away. He will then hold onto her despite her screaming and struggling to be put down. I don't think this is the way to teach her to settle with him and it upsets me when she's reaching for me and he's effectively taking her away and upsetting her far more than was necessary.

She is quite a fussy eater and eats very little so I do not really 'do' unhealthy snacks. When he has been looking after her, he feeds her pretty much whatever shuts her up - biscuits, crisps, chocolate etc. This then leads to her eating being worse for days, her whinging for snacks, demanding at vending machines etc. I spend days encouraging her to eat what we're eating, he has her for a few hours and she's back to square one and asking for snacks.

If he looks after her, he thinks the less sleep she has in the day the better she'll sleep at night. This is not true and it leads to me having an unsettled night with her as he has never got up with her at night. I have explained this repeatedly, but still he does it.

She hates getting washed in the bath. I let her play then do it right at the end. He starts saying 'shall we wash you?' as soon as she gets in the bath, meaning she's crying within a minute in poor DD1's ear and it spoils bathtime for everyone.

My exH said I was very controlling with our DD and that it was 'my way or no way.' I understand everyone has different ways of parenting and that's fine, but toddlers don't really understand that in my opinion - they like consistency. If there's a way to do something which results in no upset, I don't know why you'd do it a different way which results in hysteria. AIBU and controlling to think this?

I think that he doing that re the pick up when she is crying, is most likely to be him trying to play a more active part and be part of it when she seeks comfort. I would hope that in that scenario you would be saying to DD something along the lines of 'what is the matter and why are you being so silly to Daddy when he is trying to help'

You seem a bit determined to cast him the role of the incompetent verging on spiteful but it just reinforces to me as an outsider that you are a bit controlling. That is no problem to anyone here if it works for your marriage and I know people for whom it does, but it sounds like it is doing you relationship no favours at all.

Oh dear, I think perhaps you need to be on the relationship board as you are not actually looking for an opinion on whether you are being unreasonable at all, are you

you're right! why isn't he listening to you?

Imagine trying to deal with your kid under constant scrutiny by somebody else and constantly being told you're doing it wrong?

I don't know about you but I would be less inclined to 'do as I'm told' with one of my own kids.

I feel sorry for the OPs husband.

Although the sleep thing I agree.. let him do the night times (if you can).

Then that's what has to change. He needs to deal with the entire situation. Explain to him that by handing her to you he's undermining his authority.

Back him up a bit. That's the consistency she needs. Not everything being done in the self same way every time, as someone else said when she goes to play school she will have yo do that, and creating rigidity now may cause issues then.

Betty it's hardly 'chill time' when DD2 is hysterical, screaming the house down and then takes far far longer for me to settle her at bedtime because she's been upset. I disagree that pandering to them a young age makes it harder as they get older, I think you pick your battles or all end up miserable. Holding hands to cross roads is non-negotiable, the order in which you wash and play is not.

Including the nights with dealing with the entire situation, by the way. He creates the situation, he deals with it.

Can you talk to him in a calm way about what is best. It sounds like when there is a problem, you try to find a way round it and he sees it as something needing fixed. You might find that you can agree using your approach for some things and his for others. It sounds like you are making things harder for him, in order to prove you are right, do you step back and let him get on with things or do you hover and give DD (as she sees it) the mummy option.

Gamerchick: 'Imagine trying to deal with your kid under constant scrutiny by somebody else and constantly being told you're doing it wrong?' As I've already said, I don't scrutinise, I leave the room. Nor do I tell him he's doing it wrong.

I was more of a 'get it out of the way' parent, too. It's just a different way of doing things. Do that dreaded hair wash and when they scream distract them out of it.

What your DD is learning is 'Daddy bad, Mummy good'.
Your first husband sounds awful and it's not surprising that it has affected you but this time you need to step back.
Due to his work DH spends very little time at home and I'm way too used to doing it my way so it's hard, I know but you need to do it.
The last time I went out for the day leaving him at home with our 3 I came home to find that he had agreed to DS having a sleepover, the youngest 2 bathed, all happy and sat out in the garden having a takeaway. The toddler's nappy was on back to front but who cares? Up to having our youngest he hadn't been around enough to know what to give them for tea never mind take care of them plus 3 of DS's friends for 15 hours.
I had so many misgivings about my precious routine being disrupted I almost didn't go, backing off was the best thing to do.

Well, you seem to have it all figured out so good luck with that! Like I said, I have no idea why you posted here when you clearly know the answer.

GobbySadcase: He's never done nights with her and doesn't intend to. I understand the get it out of the way school of thought, but DD gets so hysterical that she doesn't recover and it means she is straight in and out of bath then crying for the duration of DD1s bath. When she's older and able to understand that logic then I'd understand employing it, I understand trying it now to see if it works but I don't understand seeing that it ends in misery and doing it repeatedly anyway.

Your her mum, yes, but he's her dad. He should get an equal shot at parenting without you hovering the whole time telling him how you would do it.

And if he keeps passing her back to you, then go out. Leave him to it. Let him have some space and proper father-daughter time.

Are you actually listening to any other perspective?

All very well he doesn't intend to do nights but guess what if he wants to do things his way then he darned well deals with the consequences of his actions.

noblegiraffe: how many times I do not hover nor tell him how I would do it

I've left him to get on with it. DD doesn't sleep, she eats crap all day which leads to her being overtired and whingey later on, she had red raw eyes from unnecessary tantrums and wants to go nowhere near him. I don't see how it's good for DD. When I say 'unnecessary tantrums' I don't mean I let her get her own way. I mean, for example, if she drops something and she's tired she'll make a sulky noise and flop down onto the floor. Left to it, she'll get herself back up and carry on playing. He insists on picking her up and trying to stand her up when she doesn't want to, which results in her having a tantrum which I don't feel is necessary.

how often do you leave (i.e. leave the house) them to it?

I don't think some of the things you describe him doing are great, but I do wonder at what your manner is - because on here, despite asking AIBU, you are certain that you are not. Which suggests that you, at best, radiate that you know best, why is he doing it differently, sigh eyeroll sigh, etc etc, and you can bet your bottom dollar that your DD is/will pick up on it and start playing you off against each other.

You have to let him find his own way. She is his daughter too. Leave the house, let them get on with and - and do this regularly. Getting her to be too dependent on one adult &is& creating a rod for your own back - unless that's what you actually want.

It's difficult when you watch someone else do something with your DC that you know they won't like, or isn't the most effective way of doing it. I can understand that.

But equally it will be very difficult for your DH if you are constantly criticising or commenting on how he is doing things with DD.

Some of the things - the food and sleep - sound as though they do need a good discussion; other parts are just two parents doing things differently. As much as you need to parent in the same way on the big issues, there's plenty of room for doing things differently on the small things. My DP does shifts too so our toddler spends most of her time with just one of us, and is fine with the fact that we do certain things different ways.

When he is with your DD, are you both around? Is it a case that he's with her in one room while you're doing something else in another room, and tend to dive in when you hear that he is doing something in a way you deem 'wrong'?

How is he with your older DD?

GobbySadcase: I'm listening but I don't see a solution that improves things for DD. He doesn't get to deal with the consequences because he doesn't do nights, he isn't there the following day when she's falling over because she's so overtired and hungry but she's refusing to eat proper food. He goes back to work and leaves me to deal with the consequences and DD to be upset.

Well it's certainly not doing her any good your way. A child only accepting care from one person is incredibly insular.

Queenofall (by the way my iphone tried to predictive alter your name to Queen Oral :snigger:) ehem, has a point. Having read all the replies I'm wondering if there is more of a back story here? How is your relationship with him generally?

If my partner seemed to be hell bent on doing things that made our child cry as opposed to taking advice and doing things a slightly different way for a better result, I'd be concerned. I would also be absolutely livid if he stopped me from consoling my child by locking himself in a room with her/him!!

My partner and I parent pretty similarly. We are both new parents and I am more strict than him, but otherwise my son is very happy in either of our company and doesn't mind who does baths and nappy changes.

I would be very unhappy if my son was obviously upset in my partners company and would expect us to talk about this and try and resolve things. I wouldn't expect to be stone walled.

I wonder if you are feeling more sensitive because of your ex husband and asking for opinions as to whether your new husbands actions are ok or red flag material?

At least once per week MrsOakenshield. I don't sigh, eyeroll, comment or criticise, nor dive back in from another room. I leave him to it. He's good with DD1 and his children but ironically lets them have things however they want them so I don't understand why he's stubborn with DD2 who gets upset yet lets older children who can be reasoned with do what they want

Your EH sounds awful but you do sound quite controlling with new DH.

I do think it is hard for a mum not to be, if you are the main carer then you and the DCs are used to how you do things. My DH is fab with the DCs but often he does things that may not be our 'normal' way so cause some difficulty at the time but I never say unless it really is dangerous, he is fine about it and will also say to me if its the other way round (he does all the morning routine as I work early so when I am there I seem to disrupt it all )

I do agree with the other posters though, children will need to be upset at times and by not doing things that she doesn't want to do it sounds like now she realises that she can cry and you won't do it (at 18 mo they are more than able to 'play' you). You could let DD1 have a bath first then it doesn't matter. Many DC

Every suggestion any poster has made you have disagreed with so it seems you are certain YANBU.

I feel for you OP. The food thing, the sleep thing and the picking her up when her arms were outstretched for you all made me wince.

The telling comment is your DD1 saying how miserable it is when he's home. That's not right.

I think you need to sit down and have a calm conversation about all these issues. Tbh I'm not sure he'll listen/take on board your POV all that well though....

Best of luck, and head over to Relationships if things don't improve.

sebsmummy1: I thought shutting DD away from me when screaming for me was wrong. I would never dream of doing that if she was asking for DH, and would definitely be told I was controlling here if I did so. I feel that he treats it like a competition and wants her to want him, whereas I just want DD to be happy whoever she is with.