and a control freak of a mum or have I picked the wrong men to have children with?

[flummoxedbanana]

My exH and I separated when our DD was almost two years old. He was abusive which was the main reason but a big part of the reason I left was how he was with our DD. He paid little attention to her and was very much focussed on me; from his viewpoint he said I was too focussed on DD and not on him. He spent no time alone with her at all, never changed a single nappy, never fed her once she started solids, never looked after her when she was ill and so on. He would do things that were downright dangerous. For instance, I asked him to bring a screwdriver in with him from the other room and he sent a just toddling DD running in with it, he let her climb on the glass TV cabinet and pull at the TV on an odd occasion he looked after her etc. He would do things to purposely anger DD - i.e. she hated being watched on the potty but he'd sit and stare at her, she hated being held still but he'd tell me to pin her down to dress her etc. He made everything stressful and DD was always upset when he was around.

I now have an 18 month old with new DH. He is a very good father and happily changes nappies and spends time with our DD while I'm busy reading etc with my DD but I'm beginning to find it similarly stressful when he's around. He had three or four days off per week as he works shifts so he's well aware of DD's routine and how she is used to things being done but still doesn't do it the same way. For example, she hates having her nappy changed and getting dressed. I usually put a toy alongside her which makes noises and give her one to hold which distracts her and I get it all done with no upset. He, however, keeps saying repeatedly for 5-10 minutes before nappy change/dressing 'shall we change your nappy?' and she is whinging and crying about it, then when he eventually starts to do it she is full-blown crying and thrashing about and it takes five times as long to do it then she runs to me to comfort her.

If she is upset because she's hurt or whatever, she wants me but DH will intercept her route to me and pick her up despite her pushing him away. He will then hold onto her despite her screaming and struggling to be put down. I don't think this is the way to teach her to settle with him and it upsets me when she's reaching for me and he's effectively taking her away and upsetting her far more than was necessary.

She is quite a fussy eater and eats very little so I do not really 'do' unhealthy snacks. When he has been looking after her, he feeds her pretty much whatever shuts her up - biscuits, crisps, chocolate etc. This then leads to her eating being worse for days, her whinging for snacks, demanding at vending machines etc. I spend days encouraging her to eat what we're eating, he has her for a few hours and she's back to square one and asking for snacks.

If he looks after her, he thinks the less sleep she has in the day the better she'll sleep at night. This is not true and it leads to me having an unsettled night with her as he has never got up with her at night. I have explained this repeatedly, but still he does it.

She hates getting washed in the bath. I let her play then do it right at the end. He starts saying 'shall we wash you?' as soon as she gets in the bath, meaning she's crying within a minute in poor DD1's ear and it spoils bathtime for everyone.

My exH said I was very controlling with our DD and that it was 'my way or no way.' I understand everyone has different ways of parenting and that's fine, but toddlers don't really understand that in my opinion - they like consistency. If there's a way to do something which results in no upset, I don't know why you'd do it a different way which results in hysteria. AIBU and controlling to think this?

I'm glad the tone of the thread has changed.

Please get this moved to Relationships as you'll get much more supportive, experienced and nuanced advice.

The reason your child is getting upset is because you are the main caregiver and the one she has developed the closest bond with, and doesn't want anyone other than you to look after her.She is crying because she is cross that it is not you changing her nappy, it is not you washing her, it is not you comforting her.
You need to ask yourself this question.Do I want DH to be as close to DD as I am.IF you are really really being honest with yourself , is the answer truly 'yes'.
If so you need to back off , physically remove yourself from the situation .If you are not there she will run to your DH for comfort! The nappy changing warning, the order of things at bath time are totally valid, just different ways of doing things.At the moment you are actively preventing your DH having the same relationship with her that you have.I can't help wondering whether deep down this is what you want?

DH often starts saying give me a kiss or pulling me about for a cuddle when the baby is crying which pisses me off as he puts his wants above their needs

Gosh, that sounds really difficult. Poor you. How do you deal with that? I'd be tempted to show my DH the door and tell him to grow up.

Init - OP has said that her DD hates her bum being changed and her hair being washed no matter who it is who is doing it - the difference is that OP either distracts her (normal parenting trick that most people do) or does the activity after the child has at least had time to enjoy herself instead of ruining the entire activity (bath time) She's also said that she does leave him to it, she doesn't hover and from what I can see she hasn't really brought this up with him yet either - so she's not even criticising. He's had 18 months practise and yet he still cannot see what is wrong with winding a child up over something she doesn't like doing - he cant' see it's wrong to physically restrain a child who is crying for someone else just because he wants to hold her. He's made no attempt at finding his own way of doing things that doesn't involve overstepping a child's boundaries and he then can't even be bothered to comfort the child after the activity that has upset her - he hands her over...even that opportunity to build trust with his child he doesn't take because, I assume, it's too much bother to try to calm her down and reconnect with her. It's a common developmental psychology POV that yes, you're going to have disagreements with your child (though the things he's doing isn't disagreeing, it's being bloody stubborn - his way or the highway) and that almost immediately after that children need to reconnect with the parent, need to know that they are still loved and it is very important this is done as soon as the child shows need to reconnect...instead he hands her over - he's shooting himself in the foot there.

Basically - he doesn't want to reflect on his actions and find alternative ways of handling things (which is what reasonable parents do over the small stuff) and he doesn't want to deal with things that are for her health (eating good food and nap times) and he doesn't want to bother with handling her emotional needs (comforting her) - this is a clueless parent at best or a controlling, rigid, emotionally-disordered parent at worst - a bully.

intit - she isn't crying because it isn't me. MIL who sees her once per month at most also distracts at nappy change and DD doesn't cry. No I don't want to prevent him having a relationship with her and I don't understand how you've derived that from what I said. Everyones lives would be easier if she was closer with DH.

"He jumped up from sofa and pulled her away from behind just as my hands touched her, then took her away to another room as she called for me. He then shut the door and she screamed and screamed until eventually he put her down and walked away."

That isn't 'trying his best' that's nasty!

I agree with cherry

periodfeatures I tend to tell him to pack it in but it doesn't stop him forgetting and doing it again. Have had last straw type conversations and this is the lesser side of it so toddler style repeat and reinforce is my strategy.

I remember feeling a bit like this about the way my DH did certain things and looking back I needed to chill a bit. I think you need to pick your battles a bit and step back on some things.

Food - this would be the big one for me and is something you need to have a proper discussion about. Can you just not have unhealthy stuff in the house?

Sleep - personally, I think the way to go here is to share nights more if her nighttime sleep is that big a problem (or otherwise sort out her nighttime sleep if you are happy to do sleep training). Can you get him to agree to at least try to put her down for a nap once a day? You've probably only got another year or so of daytime naps, so in some ways I wouldn't make too big a deal of this and just put her to bed early if she's getting tired early. I don't think naps affect nighttime sleep as much as is often made out.

Nappy change, bath time etc. - hard without actually being there, but I think this is where I'd just leave him too and try and get out of the house enough that he has to figure it out himself and can't always come rushing to you. My view is that by 18 months, they should be at the stage where they sometimes have to cope with their current non-preferred parent, especially if you have more than one child. Also you can't avoid all tantrums - in fact I think it's unhealthy to tiptoe around them too much because you are scared of tantrums (and I say that as somebody who is very much on the permissive side when it comes to parenting).

Petalsandstars - DH is just like that. Sometimes I feel like saying 'can you not hear her crying??' I don't get how he can ignore when it suits him.

flummoxed I'm afraid I'm a bit blunt and I do say that and call him on it each and every time.

He tends to then sulk a bit saying she'd be ok left for a few minutes and try and guilt trip sometimes but I ignore it and repeat that what she needs comes above what he wants.

I think he just puts himself first automatically for the smaller things though like if I need the loo but also need to get kids out the car I'll get them out first, but he will go to the bathroom first if he's in the same situation. Dunno if it's a man thing or just some of them. He got better as the toddler got more speech.

at 18 months she is a on longer a baby, she is a toddler. It sounds as though you are io danger oe letting her demands rule the roost. She cries when dh changes her nappy ? So what? You doo t need to drop everything and run the moment she opens her mouth.your dh can see this - you can t

It does sound painful. Have you ever left him to it to the point where he has to actually deal with the fallout from his choices earlier, like for a whole day and overnight?

It sounds like a bit of a vicious circle, where in the early days you may have been a bit my-way-or-the-highway, and now he hasn't ever developed his own techniques that work and is being an arse about taking the easy way out. No judgement at all, I know that I am often like this - when you're the parent at home and you KNOW what works best, it's painful to watch someone else do it all wrong and make the situation worse, but sometimes you have to allow that in order for other people to develop their own methods.

Can you have a properly calm and thoughtful discussion about this? Maybe even with a Relate or other counsellor? Because it really does seem that there is only one, unhappy, ending to this if you don't both take the time to find middle ground.

I don't think wanting to avoid upsetting your child is letting them rule the roost. some children don't enjoy having their nappy changed, maybe they find it uncomfortable? unfortunately for them it is something that has to happen but if there is a way of carrying out these tasks that causes minimal upset why wouldn't you? children aren't your property and we still need to be respectful to their feelings

She cries when dh changes her nappy ? So what? - :(
I agree with possum. Despite having trained a nanny in the 70s, when it included the use of corporal punishment, I certainly wasn't taught to manhandle them in ways that made them cry. If they hate having their nappy changed, you figure out what's bothering them - maybe the cream needs warming up, you yank their legs too hard, they want singing to ... You don't bear down on them, going "NAPPY TIME!" only to hurt or discomfort them needlessly, and treat the resultant wailing - which you caused - as a nuisance. That's horrible!

"He jumped up from sofa and pulled her away from behind just as my hands touched her, then took her away to another room as she called for me. He then shut the door and she screamed and screamed until eventually he put her down and walked away."

I think that - along with the rest of the OP's info - this is an enormously telling anecdote. I think he wants his dd to love him - he wants to be as well able to comfort her when upset, as her mum.

Which is fine, but the trouble is that he doesn't seem to have the slightest idea how to actually do that, or to be able to see why what he's doing at the moment isn't working :(

I don't have any answers, sorry, just sympathy.

That's very kind of you, puntastic. Unfortunately I see it as wanting to stop his little girl taking his wife's attention/affection. He physically shut the door between child & mother. Then walked away from the screaming toddler.

As the NSPCC advertises, walking away from a screaming child will eventually stop the child crying - because she's learned help doesn't come. Not a great start in life.

Well yes, that's quite possible too - but my interpretation is likewise possible, I think.

Not that I'm saying it's a good thing either way! I've been following this thread with interest and still don't know what to make of the situation at all, really.

Puntastic, taking a screaming child away from where she was actually wanting to go, crying, and shutting the door is NOT the act of a loving father.

Think about it, what he did was completely counterintuitive at best, cruel at worst.

He's either clueless or couldn't-care-less.

Either way, it's not good enough.

Would you be happy if your child had this happen to them?
Really?

It sounds to me like he wants to make his mark and differentiate his parenting from yours, almost like a territorial thing, which is totally the wrong attitude when it comes to children really.

I mean, it's one thing to have a different method or way of doing things, and as long as that works between parent and child, that's fine. But it sounds like there's a different slant here which is that he's almost getting territorial about it and acting out of spite or jealousy, not putting her first. He doesn't have to do everything exactly the same of course, but it's a totally different ballgame to actively upset her almost as a kind of power game. "No, YOU will not settle her, I will."

Apologies as I have only read the first few and latest few posts but is he involved at all with your older DD? Only you referred to the two children as "My DD" and "Our DD" and the nappy-changing incident was "When I'm reading with our DD". Obviously the dynamic is different when it's his own child and it's normal not to be hands-on immediately with a new stepchild but IMO when a child is very young and a new partner/stepfather comes on the scene then it's absolutely imperative that he's as heavily involved with her as he would be with his own children by the time he's got to the stage of moving in and certainly by the time there is a joint child in the equation.

I can see that it could come from a place of being afraid that the baby will be closer to OP and wanting to somehow enforce that "Daddy relationship" by differentiating from how she does it but it's going about it totally the wrong way, and TBH, it's a worrying sign if that's how he thinks about her because it's almost like property, not recognising that she's a person with needs of her own.

Reading with my DD that should say

Oh FGS, I can't see the H's side in this at all, the more you post OP the more I'm convinced you should LTB.

Seriously, I would be really worried about leaving your H alone with the poor child which is why I couldn't bring myself to suggest you leave him alone with her overnight, he sounds so cold and callous towards her at best.

I also think YANBU. I guess I'm linking it to my own experience though if living with an abusive, controlling exh. Lots of what you're saying rings bells. He was very jealous of my dd's relationship with me. Everything was a competition. He was always trying to impose his will on her. And alongside that was this endless endless argument that it was me that was the problem, that he felt excluded. Making your child cry is NOT normal. What you said about him whipping her away from you is horrible. Very competitive and putting his feelings above everyone else's. I think you need to think carefully about where you go from here.

op leave him then. If he is being nasty to your baby, leave.

My DH only sees my dd2 (8m) for 1 hour every morning before he goes to work every day apart from sat/sun. I often find myself picking at him so have to leave the room when he is dealing with her, I know he would never want to harm or upset her but he has to have his chance at trying to settle her.

Funnily enough dd always cry's twists when I try and dress her after her bath but for DH she is all smiles, little monkey, but its me she wants in the middle of the night. If Dh goes she screams like mad woman.

TBH I cant make my mind up if you are seeing something entirely different to what is going on or he is in fact being cruel, if its the latter leave.

I don't think its sinister, I think it's frustration at wantingdd to want him too. We went out for the day today and I couldn't even hand dd to him to go to the toilet or get my coat on without her crying. In public he hands her straight back, in private he wouldn't have this differing reactions from him must contribute to her upset, surely?