To think it's not on for DD's teacher to pull her part in the nativity to make room for another child?

[KarenOfArc64]

It's another nativity thread, sorry. DD is year 2 and has one of the "main" parts in the nativity this year. The school organises it with the year 2s taking the main parts and any leftover year 2s in the choir, a select number of the year 1s having a minor part and the majority in the choir, and the reception children split into angels and shepherds. DD was told today that she has been demoted to choir, because another mother has complained her daughter (year 2) is upset at not having a part. Dd was one of the year 1 chosen for a minor part last year and her teacher "knew she wouldn't mind". Had DD been told that from the start I wouldn't have a problem with it, but it seems cruel to pull her part this late in the day. We've had a few other incidents this term in which this teacher doesn't seem to have treated DD completely fairly and DD is now convinced her teacher doesn't like her. AIBU to think this is a bit mean?

I would be mad if I was you. If the head agreed that it was unfair she should have given your daughter the better option-performing in front of parents.

Is the other mother a VIP in school or has connections?

She will not be using the costume- I've emailed the mother explaining Part of it is DDs first dance recital costume and it has sentimental value.

No connections that I know of figrus. What annoys me is that they didn't do something about this wen parts were assigned weeks ago and waited until DD had rehearsed

I would send a pre-emptive email to the school, stating that as your dd was the one who was treated so badly by the school, she should get first choice of which performance she does, and that you will not be backing down on this.

I am appalled at the way this has been handled.

Surely the only fair way to resolve the situation for both girls is that they have 2 Angel Gabriels on stage at the same time and they split the lines between them, or write in another part.

Keep fighting OP.

Agree, e-mail the school that as DD was the one who's had her part taken away from her away, she should get to decide which performance she gives up to the other girl (not which she gets to do!). You've talked to DD and while she's very upset she doesn't get to do both performances, it would be easier for her to accept 'letting' the other girl do the performance to the school so her godmother coming from Australia can see her perform.

This whole thing reminds me of how powerless we sometimes are. We want to stop the hurt and pain and injustice but sometimes we can't... and that truly sucks.

I told my husband about it and he came up with all sorts of inventive ways to show the other parents and students exactly how upset the OP's child is (but typically not something I'd do as he's a bit too gung ho sometimes).

I am just shocked that this teacher would do something like that without first discussing it with the other parents involved. I'm shocked she thinks all the rehearsals the OP's daughter has done mean nothing compared to this other kids one day. I do agree it would be unfair to the other kid who was awarded something to then take it away (not her fault after all), but it's equally (moreso honestly) unfair to OP's daughter and why the school is ignoring that fact just amazes me.

I personally lean towards helping DD overcome the disappointment (not showing her how upset you are) and encouraging her to be the best choir she can be... but behind the scene's insisting that if the "parents" show is given to the other kid, then your family WILL be attending the junior show (it would cause quite a scene but after all, you had weeks of planning this and it's not just DD's feelings who are hurt, but plans ruined). I would also attend a parent-teacher meeting, or send out a mass email (or flyer) to all the other parents and teacher included, outlining what has occurred and expressing your extreme displeasure in the way this was handled (i.e. why so late in the game, why your daughter? Why wasn't another part added? Why was one parent's child rewarded and other disappointed parents not?). Parts should be drawn in a "hat draw" type way if this is the situation that occurs. Then no-one can claim favouritism.

I'm just shocked and feel for the OP and her daughter. I can't believe this teacher is getting away with something so underhanded... and I really do think the other mother should be approached and told that OP's daughter cries about it, that it was NOT her choice, that you have a family member coming from overseas who's plans were centred around this event and it's been and extremely difficult week. She might not care but then you know she knows and is either a cow, or someone who actually cares about other people she's (possibly unintentionally) hurt.

So they are going to share the part?

And this really couldna't have been thought of before now?

And it has to be your daughter's part that is shared??

And they really don't even have the good grace to let your daughter choose which performance she does??

Bloody hell, what absolute heartless shits.

Still I hope you aren't letting on to dd that you're doing all this. She needs to get used to unfairness. In not saying accustoming her to accepting shitty treatment, but at least realising its not worth getting upset.

This is ridiculous. She has every right to be upset. I was selected for a role in a representative team several years ago, only to have my place taken away for someone else who played the sob story card. You know what? I was fucking gutted. I'd worked my arse off to make that team, only to have someone who hadn't worked as hard take my place. Even had to hand back the team uniform for them to wear. They've since begged me to reapply for the team again and I told them to fuck right off. You don't get to treat someone like that then decide that they should be grateful when they suddenly need you again.

There is no age where you suddenly have to get over the injustices of the world and not be upset about them. This was a seriously shitty thing to happen to this child, and she has every right to be hurt that it happened.

Oh dear op was hoping for happy ending.

I think if no joy with head take it to head of govereners

wonder if you could say something to ofted too?

after xmas im afraid I would be looking for another school.

we moved dd1 after 1term in yer 2 as was clear her and teaacher did not get on and would ahve been difficult year.

I would tell the gobbiest parent and let them spread the gossip.

but at end of day is one upset hurt little girl. Not sure what to do about that. Iceratinly wouldent attend the nativity.

just a consolation but few chutches here have crib service where all the kids dress up and have a part.

Just looked at ofsted complaints says

www.ofsted.gov.uk/resources/complaints-ofsted-about-schools-guidance-for-parents

speak to govereners I would out in writing-but times running out.

you can complain to lea if local authority school or department education.

Sometimes lots parental complaints can trigger early inspection by osfted.

At dds last school a parent ad concern about safety and called social services and they had duty to investigate school was cleared but all hell broke loose and 2parents left over it.

Hope you get it sorted think heads equally as bad as teacher and from what you said teacher sounds awful is there 2classes for her year group or just 1?

Chekot out school website see ifan email or contacts for chair of govereners. school office should have details or some parents would do.

for biscuits.

Your post just made me cry.

I was Gabriel once, and I am just trying to imagine, how I would have felt if 2 weeks before the show (2 performances) I had been told to relinquish my part to someone else. I can't, because I still (at 48) remember that show, and my little costume, and halo, and every time I hear "It came upon the midnight clear" (the hymn that the angels en masse came in to the hall to) I feel like I'm 8 yrs old again (and truly, can there be anything better than being 8 and it being nearly Christmas)

I just kind of presumed there would be a happy ending because I couldn't imagine how anyone working with children could possibly see that OP's daughter wasn't being treated abominably here.

The other mother must have kicked up such an almighty stink, because nothing else makes any sense. It just doesn't. Child is given part, begins to rehearse, then suddenly has part taken away and given to someone else? For no reason other than she has had a minor part in the past? Nope. Does not compute.

You make damn sure that she gets to do the show she wants. Or I swear to God we'll organise that bus trip and placards.

I am on so many threads where parents are being absurdly PFB and MN sanity tries to rein them in and see sense. KarenofArc- you are being so measured and reasonable in the face of fuckwittage from the school. Please do not let this be forgotten once the show is over.

How does dd feel now? Does she feel a little bit better at least?

I can't imagine how thinking of changing schools will help dd. She is happy at school with friends so to remove her just to make a point is just daft.

Has the teacher apologised at all? It's all very well the Head being 'sympathetic' but having experienced of this kind of thing myself at various schools it seems that staff are never held accountable.
I would also be concerned that, as the teacher seems to dislike your dd in some way,will your complaints make this dislike worse? If it were me I would be really letting as many other parents as possible know about this shambolic mess and all the upset caused.
Hope that the Head is sensible enough to sort this out in an appropriate way and that your dd is not disadvantaged any more than she has been already.

I would leave out the bit about her causing in it. You don't know that it wasn't just a casual chat that made the teacher instigate the changes, but it wouldn't hurt to let her know the other stuff.

I don't think there is any more that you can do now.It is ultimately the school's decision who plays what.At least your DD will get to do 1 performance and also got to perform last year.

I see that the Head is now going to report back to you on Monday, after she has spoken with the other child and reached a decision, Karen.

I don't think this is good enough [actually, I am appalled that a Head would continue to shilly-shally around, putting the onus (of whatever way the decision goes) on two 6 year olds] and if I were you I would preempt this, by following up your Friday conversation with a letter, hand delivered before school, and marked for 'the attention of Head, very urgent'. Something like:

Dear Head,
Further to our meeting on Friday, I am writing to confirm that, while I am content that the solution to this unfortunate situation is that both DD and OtherChild should each play Angel in just one performance, I must however insist that DD does the performance that will be attended by Parents etc.
As you are aware, my Dsis will be attending that performance, all the way from Australia, an opportunity highly unlikely to occur again! We have been looking forward to this for weeks, indeed since the day we heard DD had been given the part.
I am aware that there has been concern expressed by both Yourself and Teacher about OtherChild being upset, however quite frankly I do feel that, from the outset, there was a marked lack of concern given over to the upset caused to DD by this whole episode.
I look forward to hearing from you later today that DD will indeed be playing the Angel in the Parents Performance and, beyond that, I would like to have a meeting with you at a later date, perhaps for your convenience after Christmas, to discuss the the best way forward for DD in this particular class.
Yours, etc
KarenOfArc64

If you do go down this route Karen (and I think you should) I think it would be better typed/written on an actual letter to be given into school before any classes start tomorrow (keep a copy) but if for whatever reason, it is better for you to do it as an email, then still go into school before any classes start tomorrow and tell them there is an email that Head must see first thing.

Fuck that I still wouldn't take this!!

I agree with STG - tell her that you're daughter will be performing in the evening performance considering she's the one having her part split for no damn reason.

And tell her you'll be lodging a complaint if she tries to argue about it.

Karen I am a teacher and, as a rule, I read threads on here where people advise complaining to the school and I think they are overreacting.

In this case I am absolutely furious on your DD's behalf, both for the initial issue and the subsequent ineffective handling of the situation by the HT.

In your situation I would be sending an email much like the one suggested by adish ^^

I'd also be paying close attention for any further situations where your DD is ignored/left out by the teacher and I'd seriously think about withdrawing her to another school (not because she's not the Angel Gabriel, but because her teacher is, intentionally or not, making her feel like she's not important).

Further to what adishbesteatencold said, I wouldn't say that you are "content" but that you "accept" that the best way forward is for one performance each.

Good point, clam. 'Accept' would be a better word there.

If the head isn't helping, next stop is to write to the governors.

As time is short, I would copy in the governors when you send letter/email to Head.

I've thought about this more and I'm now curious what the OtherParent was told.

Here's why. It's been weeks. Why now, so close to the performance would the mother makes a fuss? I would think so late in the game no parent would bother because obviously someone else has the part.

SO, given the issues the OP's child has had with this teacher, I'm wondering if the teacher isn't the instigator in all this and this parent is a relatively innocent bystander. I'd be calling (emailing as a last resort, hard to see emotion in email) the other parent and asking her what exactly happened. Telling her what the teacher told her she did/said and finding out if it's the truth. Could be this teacher took DD off the part and told that parent that she didn't want to/couldn't do it and could her child do it.

My other reason for thinking this is the email asking about the costume. I just can't imagine emailing the parent of a student I "stole" a part from asking for the costume. I know there are some crazy people out there so it's possible, but it's like salt in the wounds...

If she admits she knew she stole the part from your child it'd be hard to be civil to her but at least you'd know (and I'd be a bitch and tell ALL the other parents of the underhanded tactics of this parent 'cause it could happen to their kids too).