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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not on for DD's teacher to pull her part in the nativity to make room for another child?

323 replies

KarenOfArc64 · 04/12/2013 19:32

It's another nativity thread, sorry. DD is year 2 and has one of the "main" parts in the nativity this year. The school organises it with the year 2s taking the main parts and any leftover year 2s in the choir, a select number of the year 1s having a minor part and the majority in the choir, and the reception children split into angels and shepherds. DD was told today that she has been demoted to choir, because another mother has complained her daughter (year 2) is upset at not having a part. Dd was one of the year 1 chosen for a minor part last year and her teacher "knew she wouldn't mind". Had DD been told that from the start I wouldn't have a problem with it, but it seems cruel to pull her part this late in the day. We've had a few other incidents this term in which this teacher doesn't seem to have treated DD completely fairly and DD is now convinced her teacher doesn't like her. AIBU to think this is a bit mean?

OP posts:
Whatisaweekend · 06/12/2013 17:58

Any update OP? Is the school nursing it's "new one" that you have ripped for them?!

AntoinetteCosway · 06/12/2013 18:15

Aw, this is so Sad

ChameleonCircuit · 06/12/2013 18:47

It's posts like that from Whatisaweekend that make me wish we had a "like" button. Grin

NicPen · 06/12/2013 20:42

This is very unfair of the teacher.

I would be keeping dd away from school for all practices as performances due to emotional stress illness caused by poor choices made by school.

Lambzig · 07/12/2013 13:45

This is so horrible and the school trip thing too. What a horrid teacher.

clam · 07/12/2013 14:03

I am a teacher and can categorically say that I would NEVER do this. It's appalling practice on the part of the teacher concerned, and you are well within your rights to kick up a big stink about it. Insist that your dd does the parents' performance and the other kid (in her OWN costume, not yours) can do the dress rehearsal to the school.
"this would inevitably lead to a dispute as to whose child played the part at which performance." No, no dispute - your dd had the part in the first place, so the other child is still getting more than she started with.
Am furious on your behalf.

fryingpantoface · 07/12/2013 14:18

How did it go OP?

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 07/12/2013 14:34

How not to deal with parental complaints.

There should be some record kept of who had what part etc so that it is known who beforehand who has had a speaking part before they are dished out.

The other alternative would be to ban school nativities altogether and just have a carol service!!! :)

Original poster
KarenOfArc64 · 07/12/2013 16:30

I spoke with the head after school yesterday- while she sympathises and accepts DDs part shouldn't have been taken away from her, she doesn't want to upset the other child now she has been promised the part. So the proposed solution is to let one do each performance. The trouble is that one performance is for the junior school only and the other is for parents- the head isn't willing to make an exception because then she'll have to make an exception for everyone apparently Hmm. So she called dd in and asked her which performance she would rather do- of course she said the parents one because she wants her aunt and grandparents to be able to watch her. The head is now going to ask the other girl on monad which performance she wants to do- it's not exactly difficult to work out which one she's going to want to choose, is it? And then the head will get back to me on Monday once the girls have chosen and come up with a new solution if needed Hmm

OP posts:
PointyChristmasFairyWand · 07/12/2013 16:32

You need to insist that since your DD is the wronged party, she should get first choice of which performance she is in. Nothing less is acceptable. Not that this is acceptable either because what you really need is the teacher's head on a pike outside the school but it#s the best you're going to get.

And don't let the other child use the costume.

QueenElizabethTheZygon · 07/12/2013 16:43

I still don't understand why they aren't happy to upset the other girl, but it's perfectly acceptable to upset your DD? What a mess. I really feel for your DD with a rubbish teacher and headteacher like that!

DameDeepRedBetty · 07/12/2013 16:51

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LindyHemming · 07/12/2013 17:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Biscuitsneeded · 07/12/2013 17:35

They sound totally shambolic, and utterly clueless about how children think.

Something very similar happened to me, also because another child's mother complained. I was told that as I was a good girl I wouldn't mind, would I, and as I had been brought up to do everything the teacher said I bit the inside of my cheek to stop the tears spilling out and agreed with the teacher that I didn't mind. I went home and told my mother and she basically said you can't argue with teachers and so sorry, but life isn't fair. That was when I was 10; I'm 41 now. A couple of years ago I had a bit of therapy, and this whole episode came up. Not because of the teacher's unfairness, I've got over that (obviously!)), but because that was the first time (of many) where I felt I didn't really matter enough to my mother for her to go in and champion me - she'd rather toe the line than let me know my happiness was worth fighting for. Please, for your daughter's sake, and not just because of a Christmas play, DO fight this - even if you don't win the battle, the fact that you show your DD that her happiness matters to you is really, really important.

PointyChristmasFairyWand · 07/12/2013 17:37

Biscuits Flowers.

Beautifully put.

pudcat · 07/12/2013 18:05

This is so wrong. The head teacher is wrong. No teacher should do this to a child. I would now seriously think of changing schools if at all possible. If they can treat a child like this over an important issue, what will they be like over smaller matters. I would also take it further to the governors or is this other mum a parent governor? I would also ask other parents for their opinions and I would name the mum as well.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 07/12/2013 18:47

That is an absolutely piss poor judgement of Solomon the headteacher is performing there. I think if your DD can only do the performance to juniors then you should insist that you family members are allowed to sit attend that one in place of the parents one. It's not setting a precend (well unless they intend to mess up again as they have here!) as your situation is the your DD has only got a speaking part in that performance and not in the parents one. They can distinguish your situation from any other parents wanting to attend. Very poor all round at the school.

rookietherednosedreindeer · 07/12/2013 18:50

The teacher will have to make an exception for everyone - how many other pupils exactly have had their roles taken away from them then - is it standard practice for this teacher to change her mind on who does what dependant on who moans the loudest.

Sounds like the head teacher is a spineless wimp as well. What's the other girl going to say - oh yes I'd far rather do my brand new shiny part in front of the junior school rather than my relatives! So unfair on both girls to make it into "their choice" and "their decision" i.e. which of them can be browbeaten into losing their opportunity to shine on the stage, I really feel for both of them.

This is shambolic - I'd email or phone the head teacher before she has a chance to speak to the other girl. Tell her that it's not appropriate to make the girls decide this. As your daughter was picked first and as it's what she wants to do then she gets the family performance and other girl gets junior school.

ZenNudist · 07/12/2013 18:51

I'm bewildered why the school would do this. Have you done anything in he past to make them dislike you? Petty IMHO.

Still I hope you aren't letting on to dd that you're doing all this. She needs to get used to unfairness. In not saying accustoming her to accepting shitty treatment, but at least realising its not worth getting upset.

ajandjjmum · 07/12/2013 18:55

This is so very wrong.

intitgrand · 07/12/2013 20:02

I think there is something going on with this child that you don't know about.
One performance each I think is as good a compromise as you are going to get.

LifeHuh · 07/12/2013 20:32

"DD is year 2 and has one of the "main" parts in the nativity this year. The school organises it with the year 2s taking the main parts and any leftover year 2s in the choir, a select number of the year 1s having a minor part and the majority in the choir, and the reception children split into angels and shepherds."

Your poor DD - not acceptable at all.But I wouldn't rush to blame the other mother either,she and her DD may well having been looking forward to Yr 2,and a part in the Nativity,only to be a leftover Yr 2 stuck in the choir.In those circumstances I might well have spoken to the teacher,not in a demanding way,but to convey that DD was upset,and that I thought the system was unfair. I think that is a flawed set up,and IMO Yr 2s who want to participate should take precedence over Yr 1s.School plays etc should give all children who want to participate a chance to do so,though often IMO the same children get parts year after year while other children are always leftover Yr 2s,3s,4s...
Not your fault,not your DD's fault,not the other girl's fault - the fault of the teacher/school.
DD was the only Yr 6 in her rather small Yr 6 class not to get a speaking part in the Yr 6 play.She didn't really mind - but I did Sad

DorothyBastard · 07/12/2013 20:37

Your poor DD, I think you are handling this well, OP. Irrespective of the outcome at least your DD will see that you have taken her seriously and fought her corner.

sandfrog · 07/12/2013 20:38

You need to insist that since your DD is the wronged party, she should get first choice of which performance she is in. Nothing less is acceptable.

This is exactly right.

Original poster
KarenOfArc64 · 07/12/2013 21:16

I appeciate that intitgrand, but it's not fair for DD to be unable to perform for her family either, is it? :( I'm worried the school are going to go down the "Karen's DD has a brother in year 4 so she can do the junior school performance and that way everyone gets to perform for a family member" route. As much as Dd would love her brother to see her perform, it's going to mean much more to her for her aunt and grandparents to be able to watch her for once.

I have no idea what I've done to upset the school Confused. I think DDs class teacher just doesn't like her for whatever reason and the head is a total wet weekend.

OP posts: