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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Christmas collection for teacher.

144 replies

sillyoldfool · 03/12/2013 03:54

I'm sure this has been done to death but anyway...
Dd1 is in y2. An email has been sent to all patents saying there's going to be a collection for an Xmas gift from the class, we're to give Â£5 each. If you give a fiver they'll give you a sticky label for your child to write a message on for the card.
Aibu to think a, a fiver is a lot, there should just be a collection and people should give what they want/can afford. And b, all the children in the class should get a label, regardless of their parents contribution? It just seems a bit mean and exclusive and just not in the spirit of Xmas!
This is a state primary school btw, albeit one in a leafy, wealthy area.

OP posts:

PattyPuddy · 03/12/2013 04:01

Whoever thought this through should be shot. I can't believe something so exclusive (as you say) and crass could have got so far and as a parent I'd be absolutely livid - whether we could afford it or not.

I'd be having words with the headmistress/master about the message they are sending out. I'm quite speechless about the whole thing to be honest.

DeckTheHallsWithBoughsOfHorry · 03/12/2013 04:09

Who has the email come from? Class rep?

I'm sure they genuinely think they're being helpful.

I happily do my own thing (early, so that when I'm asked I can truthfully say we've already got something) and get DC to write a whole card.

MiniMonty · 03/12/2013 04:10

AWFUL !

Go immediately to the headteacher and ask "are you charging my child five pounds to write in his teachers Christmas card"?

The fiver is not the issue - it's the sticky label.
Five notes is not a killer to shell out for a primary teacher who's on sixpence a year and has stress for lunch.
But the sticky label thing is a BIG BAD IDEA.
Some parents might not want to contribute. Some may have very legitimate reasons not to - if their kids don't get a sticky label they are left out, singled out in fact and this can't go well...

Before it's too late talk to whoever is organising this and make sure the whole thing is re-arranged so that contributions are anonymous, kids are DEFINITELY not labelled as "HAVE" or "HAVE NOT" contributed and the card that goes to the teacher for Xmas is signed by every child.

Any other version is awful and whoever thought this scheme up needs a good slap talking to.

MrsRajeshKoothrappali · 03/12/2013 04:14

Awwww!

What a nice way of emotionally blackmailing money out of parents.

£5? To write in a fucking card?

Some people don't have £5. Recession, food banks, yadda yadda.

This is so NOT in the spirit of Christmas. Save your fiver and buy her a copy of A Christmas Carol by Dickens.

Original poster

sillyoldfool · 03/12/2013 04:17

Yes it's a class rep thing, so nothing to do with the school really, totally organised by the parents.

It is the stocky label thing that seems wrong to me.

We're to give money in a named envelope then those children will be given a label.

I think the envelopes should be anon and everyone should be given a label.

How do I broach this without offending the other parents though?

OP posts:

MidniteScribbler · 03/12/2013 04:24

As a teacher, I would much rather have no present and a handmade card from each student than a generic card full of sticky notes. I would be furious if I found out if any of my students was excluded from something by virtue of their parents not being able to pay some arbitrary amount decreed by another parent.

MrsRajeshKoothrappali · 03/12/2013 04:26

How do I broach this without offending the other parents though?

You don't need to.

They didn't give to shites about offending anyone else.

They didn't think about the cold feeling you get when your child asks for money for something and you just don't have it.

They didn't think about the children who can't afford a sticker feeling left out, miserable and like they've let the teacher down.

They didn't think about any parents who've carefully budgeted this Christmas and just don't have £5 to spare so have to do without something else.

But to be fair, someone like that probably won't give two hoots about your opinion.

Could you get your own card for your child to give to their teacher instead? Just to make a point? Teacher doesn't need a gift.

Just email back saying £5 is a bit much to charge children to write their name, you'll do your own thing.

MrsRajeshKoothrappali · 03/12/2013 04:30

I've actually sorted myself out over the last few years but it wasn't that long ago that a sudden request for £5 out of my teeny weekly shopping budget would've absolutely floored me, even caused tears.

halfwayupthehill · 03/12/2013 04:31

Five pounds here too, and the card is carefully guarded so only those who hav paid can write in it!

perfectstorm · 03/12/2013 06:22

If you like and trust the teacher, I'd approach her in confidence and explain your concerns, and how it will exclude some kids from probably more vulnerable homes at the moment, and she may well want to approach the head to ask for something to be done, or even the rep directly (several of the teachers I know would do just that). It's a terrible thing to do to those kids whose parents can't or don't want to contribute.

Morgause · 03/12/2013 06:39

This has been happening ever since I began teaching in the 70s and, I suppose, it isn't going to stop. Teachers generally don't like it but there isn't anything we can do because there is no school involvement. Please don't embarrass the teacher further by approaching her, there isn't anything she can do without getting the backs up of parents who do want to do it. Some parents like doing this because they don't have to think what to buy.

I had presents like this and never read the card properly so had no idea who did or did not contribute. I certainly didn't compare the card with the class register.

It's fine to say you are doing your own thing and send a hand made card and a packet of Minstrels or nothing at all. Teachers don't expect presents. What teachers cherish is handmade cards from children with personal messages. I still have mine in a box.

perfectstorm · 03/12/2013 06:42

Margause I have no problem with collections at all - managed one at DS' preschool. The card being exclusively for donors is a bit different, though. It's that aspect that appals me and I have certainly never encountered it.

My aunt would intervene on this one. I can guarantee it. She's a primary teacher of many years. And a friend who teaches secondary would, too. Class reps would respond to a head teacher setting out a policy that this isn't okay as it is isolating for some kids, surely? Perhaps that would be the best way forward.

picnicbasketcase · 03/12/2013 06:56

I think I'd tell them to stick their sticky labels where the sticky sun doesn't shine.
Tell them your child would much rather take in their own card and present for the teacher.

Morgause · 03/12/2013 07:09

Fair enough perfectstorm but I'd have been horribly embarrassed if a parent had approached me about it. From my point of view it isn't up to me or the school to interfere in a private matter between parents.

When I was approached, as a parent, in these circumstances I always said I was doing my own thing.

perfectstorm · 03/12/2013 10:23

I just let all the parents know a collection was being made, and that either myself or another mum would be the contacts for it. We kept no record of who gave and who didn't, topped the gift up to the level it needed to be to buy the staffroom facility we had in mind, and signed the card as coming from all the kids.

The gift is meant to be a gesture of thanks from the children, to show appreciation from their parents to the teacher. It shouldn't sodding matter who gives what. I always have donated and bought a small gift as well, but I'd avoid like the plague any system that wanted the kudos specified that way. That's about adult status, not teacher appreciation.

I do appreciate that it depends on teacher personality, though. My aunt is very blunt and straightforward, which is probably one reason she does so well with small kids, and the friend I was thinking of works in one of the most deprived schools in London, from ideological commitment, so she'd be outraged by this because of the backgrounds a lot of her kids come from. I can see that someone who is diplomatic and collaborative by nature might not want to be involved in the politics of this.

I just feel so sad for the kids. And not just the ones who don't get to sign - what sort of adults dream this stuff up?

AHardDaysWrite · 03/12/2013 10:29

As a teacher, if I received a present from a class worth £150, I'd be so embarrassed. Because I know some parents can't afford it, and it's just too much money - my DH doesn't spend that much on me!

I'd have a word with the head and ask him/her to speak to the class rep. And fwiw, I'd rather have a handmade card and a bottle of wine, every time!

moldingsunbeams · 03/12/2013 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peaz · 03/12/2013 10:55

I've been asked to help arrange this at my DS1 school. £5 for the teacher, and £5 for the TA. I could probably afford this, but a) I have already got them something, b) it was chosen by DS1, and c) I am actually thinking of not giving them anything because the last few weeks they have really been crap. A whole other thread.

I managed to sidestep the issue, and I will try to avoid the mum for the next few weeks but I don't really think I should. It was the expectation that all parents would want to (and could afford to) do this.

harticus · 03/12/2013 10:56

Straight to HT on this one.

Giving gifts to teachers is a personal choice and there should be no coercion in it at all.

Shanghaidiva · 03/12/2013 11:02

Collection for the teacher is a lovely idea, however,
card should be signed from all children regardless of donation
no set amount for donation

I wouldn't worry about upsetting the class rep as the sticky label idea is ridiculous

BananaNotPeelingWell · 03/12/2013 11:03

These mass 'collections' even if done with the best intentions, only serve to upset people somewhere down the line. I really think it's time that schools made it a rule to just give cards only to teachers. Apart from anything else, I imagine a big expensive collection for a teacher will only embarrass them. Are they even allowed to accept expensive gifts at work? Some things just cant be rewarded with big gifts. If a teacher has done an amazing job then just say thank you with a wobbly glittery card and a heartfelt message inside. I bet that means the world to hear that.

ColdTeaAgain · 03/12/2013 11:06

Definitely need to express your concerns to the head teacher ASAP. £5 per child!! And to exclude any child that doesn't contribute, I'm gobsmacked!

Are some people so disconnected with the real world that they don't realise that a fiver is a lot for many families to find especially at Christmas or do they just like the opportunity to show off how easily they can throw money about? Bit of both I think!

I would be writing a very angry email to the headteacher!

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 03/12/2013 11:08

That is all just wrong. If there is a collecton it should just be for whoever wants to contribute and however much they want. Even if someone doesn't put money in they should still be abl to sign the card.

If it was me I would just sned my own card

Original poster

sillyoldfool · 03/12/2013 12:28

I've sent an email suggesting that we give every child a label to write on, got two positive replies from other mums, and a reply from one of the class reps which is rather short, and not positive about my suggestion at all

OP posts:

farewellfigure · 03/12/2013 12:34

Wow, we do this in our class and it's totally up to the parents whether they contribute or not, and the fiver is a suggestion... people could give 50p and they'd get a label. As far as I know everyone is perfectly happy with the situation and are equally happy to say no if they don't want to be involved. I know one mum said no because she prefers to make something for the teacher. Most mums will contribute to the voucher fund and do something crafty as well, like a homemade card or biscuits or something. It had never crossed my mind that it was divisive. I just saw it as an option. The fiver by the way is split between the 2 teachers and 3 TAs, so they probably get a voucher for about £25 each. Not embarrassing or OTT IMO.

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