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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if one child is a different race to his entire class...

165 replies

freshsweetberry · 02/12/2013 08:19

has never been invited to a party, a playdate and is racially abused and bullied, that actually, there probably is some racism going on?

I've spoken to the school numerous times, and they've refused to let me change his school. So he's grown up with no friends, bullied and now he has low self esteem.

I've got to confront them again, but I feel that it's a totally pointless exercise. Confused

OP posts:
mrsjay · 02/12/2013 10:27

do your other children not go to this school then

mercibucket · 02/12/2013 10:27

the ht does not need to agree to a move

you have kept him there

you have let him use fb

you have not blocked the online bullies

you seem to feel helpless? move him, stop fb or make it family onky, stop making excuses

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 02/12/2013 10:28

I have threatened to print it out

Who have you threatened? You need to just print it out, it's evidence. You need to ACT.

You don't have to answer but were you bullied yourself as a child? I was, quite badly, and found that when DD was being bullied it brought up all the old feelings - it made me really anxious and I felt quite paralysed. You HAVE to push through that and do something though. You're the adult.

basgetti · 02/12/2013 10:30

Take him out of the school! Why have you allowed this to go on for 4 years? I pulled my son out of school where he was being bullied and made an in term application for a new school, the whole process took about 2 weeks. The HT didn't have to consent to anything. Your poor son.

mrsjay · 02/12/2013 10:31

print it out it is the proof you need why have you not done it ?

musicismylife · 02/12/2013 10:31

OP, my son was bullied at primary school (and happened to be a different race from his peers).

It was one particular child but I do not think that there was a racial element to it.

I ended up having to go to the board of governors, as headteacher said that my son was 'too sensitive'. I even had photographs of where said child had kicked him and left a bruise, it was heart-breaking :(

When I confronted the headteacher, I was called 'aggressive' and was told the school would call the police, if I raised my voice. The problem was I tried the soft approach, it didn't work. So yes, on days, I would go in and demand that they take it seriously, but I never shouted.

Every day I went to school to report this bully. I confronted the dad (as the mother was in prison) and he just used to laugh at me and ask whether my son was a man or mouse.

It finally came to a halt when the child's dad grabbed my son by the throat. The police were involved and it stopped, just like that. They asked us whether we wanted mediation. Mediation after the event? No thanks.

And do you know something? this bully is now being bullied by other people, pushed and kicked around and my son sticks up for him. As it is, this child has run away and has been missing for over a week :(

Floggingmolly · 02/12/2013 10:33

Who told you the headteacher would have to sign a consent form?
The other school? Confused. This is not true.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 02/12/2013 10:35

Have you asked the LEA about which schools have places available? I don't believe that every school locally is oversubscribed and that places never ever come up. Plus for his age group you can appeal for a place above the planned admission number. It sounds like your son goes to a school that is linked to a particular religion which you don't subscribe to. That sounds tricky if he is the only one not of that religion.

Grennie · 02/12/2013 10:39

If this is true, your child must go to a Muslim or Jewish school (they don't celebrate birthdays). Being the only child in a class of a faith school with a different religion, is not easy.

Original poster
freshsweetberry · 02/12/2013 10:40

At the risk of answering the same question over and over, he is not on facebook and I was sitting next to him supervising. I have contacted the school who are looking into it. The headmistress refused to let him move as she said it would not solve the problem. So sorry, but that did happen. I have been speaking to the form teacher until now, who promised to resolve the problem. I will print and show the pages of abuse. Thanks for all your help folks I feel that something is finally being done. Well done musicismylife on protecting your son. I'm glad he is safe now. I will update when I hear anything more. The school has promised to put a stop to it once and for all and I will make sure that they follow through with that.

OP posts:
musicismylife · 02/12/2013 10:40

I saw his facebook yesterday, it was full of nobody likes you you are an idiot and stuff like that. I've threatened to print it out if it continues

You've threatened to print it out, OP, and haven't actually done it? Hmm Get your head out of your arse and do something about it. I don't mean to sound so callous, but c'mon!!

Birdsgottafly · 02/12/2013 10:42

"we have parental controls and he's a sensible boy"

Parental Controls on do so much, if he is signed in to an Adult account. Inappropriate stuff, for a 10 year old, can still get through.

Children and near teenage lads are not "sensible" enough to ever protect themselves online.

No 10 year old is, that is why age restrictions exist.

It is a concern that you think a 10 year old is sensible, yet he is being bullied online, so obviously he is unable to protect himself.

There is extreme stuff, just one click away and not only a click away if you have Adults on your FB.

The response from the Police and the school will be to get him offline and involved with sport, tbh.

You are not "an online gamer" (or certainly shouldn't be at 10). I am a online gamer, I have just started to describe my 16 year old, as such, a 10 year old and especially nod who is having social problems, shouldn't be online enough, to be a "gamer".

Birdsgottafly · 02/12/2013 10:44

"The headmistress refused to let him move as she said it would not solve the problem"

Well, I agree with that. Moving schools won't stop a 10 year old being abused on FB.

Original poster
freshsweetberry · 02/12/2013 10:45

Music I work full time and it was last night. I've had time to clean, get the kids to school and go to work! Give me a chance!

Birds when I say he plays an online game I mean a childs game online think bin weevils moshi monsters etc (although not those two in particular)

OP posts:
mrsjay · 02/12/2013 10:52

you sat last night and watched your child being abused online you saw it get your head together stop threatening and moaning take a day off work if you have to and sort it no 10 yr old should be on facebook long enough to get abused why are you allowing him to read it what is wrong with you, help your son, yes i sound harsh my own child was abused online and she was of age to have an account we need to protect our children

redshifter · 02/12/2013 11:02

It does not have to be a faith school to have the vast majority of children of one religion.

There are two adjoining non faith state primaries on my road. Over the years they slowly became more and more segregated. Now, school A is totally Asian, school B is totally non Asian. Terrible situation really.

LEA have tried to address this by changing boundaries/catchment areas in very artificial ways. So now you have in this years intake 4 Asian Children in school B and 3 non Asian in school A. Apparently all seven of these children have
Asked to change schools. LEA doesn't want this.

LEA can't stop from moving schools but it doesn't have to offer you a place in an already full school if you have already have a place in a perfectly good school next to your home.

So in reality you can be stopped from moving school.

It can be very hard for the minority children sometimes. Mothers don't mix at school gates, speak different languages at school gates, don't mix socially at outside school at all.

Very little social or cultural integration in this small area. I support attempts to change this situation but it is very hard for some children as I know of several cases that sound very similar to OP's.

musicismylife · 02/12/2013 11:10

What mrsjay said.

musicismylife · 02/12/2013 11:14

OP, I worked full time when my child was bullied and at that time, had two other children to get to two different schools.

It would have been the first thing on my list of priorities, before getting the other children to school, if need be.

differentnameforthis · 02/12/2013 11:38

Why on earth haven't yo removed these children from your facebook? That is the first step you need to take.

froubylou · 02/12/2013 11:41

Am sorry if you find my comment offensive music.

But I find it difficult to believe that 29 children are ALL racist and that this racism is being supported by 29 sets of parents which is what the OP is claiming.

I think it is more a case of the LEA has sent the child to this school. The OP is not happy with this and wants a reason to move the DC to the over subscribed school that was probably the first choice for the OP. At 10 I presume that secondary school will shortly be an issue soon which is why it has taken the OP 4 years to raise the issue.

Racial discrimination is rightly taken very seriously by the authorities, especially when you link that with bullying and children.

It is fine imo to want to change school. But if you don't get the outcome you want then I think it is very wrong to use racial discrimination as a card to play.

Presumably the hm of the school knows more than us and her refusal to sign the paperwork speaks volumes to me.

ISawStrattersKissingSantaClaus · 02/12/2013 11:46

Why on earth do you have a load of 10 year olds on your Facebook account? Let alone allowing your DS to use it.

Get him off the computer, ffs.

friday16 · 02/12/2013 11:51

The headmistress refused to let him move

It's nothing to do with her.

lougle · 02/12/2013 11:53

This is the strangest thread Confused

All LAs have to follow the Admissions Code of Practice. That's the law. The LA can only block a transfer to a different school if there is no space at that school (as defined by the school reaching the PAN for the year in question). If you apply for the place and are refused, you have the right of appeal.

Original poster
freshsweetberry · 02/12/2013 12:01

frouby I find it very naive that you do not believe anyone else apart from white english people could possibly ever be racist. There is a cultural and language divide, many of the parents do not speak english or socialise with anyone outside of their nationality, and there are many reasons why a group of people from a certain country might not speak to someone of a different race. I am shocked at your lack of cultural knowledge to be honest. I shouldn't have had to say any of the above.

He's been at this school for years and I've complained numerous times and my complaints have been upheld so its not a case of social engineering, and how you can have read this whole thread, disregarded or disbelieved everything on it and come to your own conclusion I am not really sure. Maybe you have some superior knowledge that us mere mortals are not aware of?

The incidents where they do directly racially abuse my son have been dealt with, the trouble is, it's often not in english, its often disguised as bullying about other things. My son is doing well in school and has no behavioural problems so frouby sorry but you are being ridiculous, misinformed and showing your ignorance.

OP posts:
candycoatedwaterdrops · 02/12/2013 12:10

Can I just clarify a few points....?

There are 29 children in one class who never have birthday parties due to them all being the same religion?

There are 29 children in one class who are all racist?

The school are obstructing him from moving to a different school?

Pretty incredible to find 29 racist 10 y/olds who all come from the same religion/culture in 2013 in the UK, huh?!