Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents treating grandchildren unfairly at Christmas

135 replies

laura105 · 27/11/2013 10:50

My parents are being very unfair to their two grandchildren at Christmas and I'm feeling terribly depressed as a result.

I invited my parents to spend last Christmas Day with us (which was my baby's first Christmas) but they refused because they didn't want to miss their turning seeing my brother's child (who is 1 year older). I was very upset about this at the time but they promised to come this year.

My brother's partner doesn't want to visit her family this year because she only has Christmas Day and Boxing Day off work. So my brother invited my parents again for Christmas Day. Well, my parents have accepted and seem to have forgotten that they promised that it was my baby's turn.

My parents planned to go to London to see my brother on Christmas Day and then travel to France (where we live) on Boxing Day morning to spend Boxing Day with us. This meant that they would not arrive at our place before 11am and would leave at 5pm. My baby has lunch at 11.30 and naps between 2 and 3 hours in the afternoon so they would probably only see him for a few hours.

I have told them that this arrangement is not acceptable as they are not treating the two grandchildren fairly and I'm feeling so depressed at how they are treating my baby. I'm spending my days in tears and have terrible headaches. All I want to do is eat chocolate and buy clothes to cheer myself up.

Neither my parents nor my brother will accept that it's my turn.

My partner phoned them to attempt to resolve the matter and now they're offering to come next year... I honestly don't know if I can forgive them for missing my baby's first two Christmases and spending two Christmases in a row with my nephew.

What would you do?

OP posts:
neunundneunzigluftballons · 27/11/2013 10:55

Do your parents live in the UK, are you French? I think it is a bigger deal to travel abroad for Christmas than staying at home so I do not think I would expect it. Can you travel instead.

Unexpected · 27/11/2013 10:57

The baby doesn't know it's Christmas! S/he will be just as happy to see them on Boxing Day!

I'm sorry but I think you have to accept that if you live abroad it is more difficult for people to visit. Although it seems odd that your parents are planning on coming for one day? Is that really correct? If they are going all the way to France, why would they not spend more time with you?

I also think you have to get out of the mindset of "turns" at Christmas. Some people are happy to spend their lives alternating between families in a very strict routine but for many people work/location/health/family commitments mean that they are more flexible with arrangements from year to year. Maybe your parents would like to spend Christmas in their own home, rather than feeling bound to having to travel because you will be upset otherwise?

lizzzyyliveson · 27/11/2013 10:57

I think you are being ridiculous! You have chosen to live away so you can't expect them to come to you just because you are stamping your foot. Your baby will not be expecting them for Christmas in any case. Little ones live in the moment. If Grandparents are there than that is fab but if they are not there then they do not think of them.

Norudeshitrequired · 27/11/2013 11:00

Why don't you all just travel to your parents house for Christmas?
The more the merrier surely.

CoffeeTea103 · 27/11/2013 11:00

You are being very unreasonable. You live abroad, do you really expect everyone to uproot to come to you? Also travelling on Boxing Day is hectic and very inconvenient. Can you not come down to London so you get to spend it with your Db and parents?

CaptainTripps · 27/11/2013 11:01

I agree with Lizzzyy. You are overreacting and you need to stop for your own sanity.

And that besides - who would want to travel to France at that time of year, especially for older folks? A major pita.

Sorry but YABU

bundaberg · 27/11/2013 11:02

i don't think OP is being unreasonable.

it doesn't matter where she lives... her parents accepted an invitation to her house for christmas and have now blown her out to visit her brother instead!

i think she is quite right to be upset over that.

her parents are clearly willing to travel to france anyway, so that is utterly irrelevant. they shoudl stick to what they agreed, and see their other grandchild.

Writerwannabe83 · 27/11/2013 11:03

I was going to say YANBU until I read that you live abroad.

Unless your parents live in the same Country then I think YABU to expect them to travel to you and there is also the issue of the cost of doing so around what is already an expensive time of year - unless you have offered to pay for their travel?

The reality is that you moved away from your family and issues like this are just part and parcel of that decision.

Why can't you travel back to England and then you can all have a big family Christmas together??

CaptainTripps · 27/11/2013 11:03

but they promised to come this year and they seem to have forgotten that they promised that it was my baby's turn.

I hate to be tactless but you sound a tad childish with all this promises talk.

Pennyacrossthehall · 27/11/2013 11:07

It doesn't matter when they come to see you, as long as they do come to see you.

People need to grasp that Christmas, New Year, Birthdays, Valentines Day etc etc etc are just arbitrary dates. It doesn't matter if you don't meet up on that day.

Original poster
laura105 · 27/11/2013 11:08

Wow! Thanks to the few who are being supportive!

My parents live in Brittany in France. They are flying to London to visit my brother and then suggested popping in for a few hours on the way back.

The whole 'taking turns' principle was their idea in the first place.

If the baby does not know that it's Christmas, why is it so important for them not miss my nephew's Christmas?

OP posts:
sue52 · 27/11/2013 11:08

YABU. Time for you to grow up.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 27/11/2013 11:09

I can see how if thy promised to come to you and changed their mind that would be hurtful.

However I hate this taking it in turns thing at Christmas. It puts so much pressure on families and actually we should be able to spend Christmas where we like.

Original poster
laura105 · 27/11/2013 11:10

My brother has also not invited us for Christmas so I can't just turn up on the doorstop on Christmas Day!

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 27/11/2013 11:11

Oh I see, so they live in the same Countey as you but not your brother - you should have said that in your OP as it reads the other way round and I fear you may get a lot of apparently unsupportive responses because of that.

Based on this new news - I do find it a bit odd that they aren't choosing to spend more time with you this year. Last year I could probably understand as new babies don't really have a clue about Christmas but I'm guessing this year your baby is old enough to enjoy it and get excited??

Norudeshitrequired · 27/11/2013 11:11

Maybe they couldn't get flights the other way around and it's logistically easier to visit your brother first.
You all live far apart and therefore have your own lives to lead. Just make Christmas special for your little family unit on Christmas Day and then have another Christmas celebration when your folks come over.
Don't get worked up about it, baby won't know any different.

basgetti · 27/11/2013 11:12

It depends on your normal relationship with them. If you live in the same country do you get to see them much more than your brother all year? If so I can understand them making the effort to go there for Xmas particularly if your SIL only has a couple of days off. If it is a wider pattern of regularly pushing your DC aside and favouring the others then YANBU.

Original poster
laura105 · 27/11/2013 11:12

@Pobblewhohasnotoes

Fair enough but do you do if your parents clearly prefer to spend Christmas with your brother rather than you and accept and then decline your invites when my brother clicks his fingers?

OP posts:
whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 27/11/2013 11:13

So do they see more of you in general seeing that they live in the same country?

Original poster
laura105 · 27/11/2013 11:15

@Basgetti.

Actually they go to London more often than they come to Paris (only a 3 hour train journey). They complain about the cost when they come to Paris but they are happy to pay for flights and hotels in London.

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 27/11/2013 11:15

OP, I don't think this has anything to do with your DC. Do you think your parents treat you unfairly?

Original poster
laura105 · 27/11/2013 11:16

@whatthatcomingoverthehill

My brother... because they offer to babysit. We don't ask them to babysit as we think that it's cheeky asking parents to travel just so that we can go out.

OP posts:
Sokmonsta · 27/11/2013 11:16

I think as they live in the same country as you, they perhaps spend more time with you anyway? So are seeing it as 'fair' to spend special holidays with your brother.

Either way, just let them know nicely that you are disappointed, you had hoped to spend Christmas together as agreed but understand that they want to see your brother too. Would they mind coming and staying over Boxing Day so they can spend some time with you properly rather than fretting what time they would have to leave to still be home at a decent hour. You can then do Xmas day on Boxing Day instead. Your baby won't know and tbh, if they're anything like my dc, opening every single present on one day is overwhelming.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 27/11/2013 11:16

But you live in a different country, it's always going to be more difficult. I didn't say I didn't understand.

Fwiw my in laws can't wait to have a Christmas Day by themselves. We aren't at theirs Christmas Day btw.

Original poster
laura105 · 27/11/2013 11:17

@DioneTheDiabolist

Yes, you've hit the nail on the head.

They seem scared of declining an invite to my brothers' but think they can turn up here when they like.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread