Grandparents treating grandchildren unfairly at Christmas

[laura105]

My parents are being very unfair to their two grandchildren at Christmas and I'm feeling terribly depressed as a result.

I invited my parents to spend last Christmas Day with us (which was my baby's first Christmas) but they refused because they didn't want to miss their turning seeing my brother's child (who is 1 year older). I was very upset about this at the time but they promised to come this year.

My brother's partner doesn't want to visit her family this year because she only has Christmas Day and Boxing Day off work. So my brother invited my parents again for Christmas Day. Well, my parents have accepted and seem to have forgotten that they promised that it was my baby's turn.

My parents planned to go to London to see my brother on Christmas Day and then travel to France (where we live) on Boxing Day morning to spend Boxing Day with us. This meant that they would not arrive at our place before 11am and would leave at 5pm. My baby has lunch at 11.30 and naps between 2 and 3 hours in the afternoon so they would probably only see him for a few hours.

I have told them that this arrangement is not acceptable as they are not treating the two grandchildren fairly and I'm feeling so depressed at how they are treating my baby. I'm spending my days in tears and have terrible headaches. All I want to do is eat chocolate and buy clothes to cheer myself up.

Neither my parents nor my brother will accept that it's my turn.

My partner phoned them to attempt to resolve the matter and now they're offering to come next year... I honestly don't know if I can forgive them for missing my baby's first two Christmases and spending two Christmases in a row with my nephew.

What would you do?

I am actually feeling a bit sorry for your parents.It can't be much fun chasing about like blue arsed flies trying to keep everyone happy.
Also its a bit of a cheek when your parents are chasing from Brittany to London to Paris over the space of a couple of days to put your DC to bed for 3 hours when they arrive and then complain that they won't see him/her much.You are a bit of a princess IMO

YANBU.

It is easy for posters to say you are being ridiculous or you need to grow up, but I guess they have never been in the same situation.

My parents have only ever seen my DC once at Christmas and that was because I gave birth on Christmas Eve. They have always preferred to see my brother's and sister's children. PIL have alway's seen SILS' children.

DH and I have just got on with it and created our own Christmas. We realised long ago, when we were children, that we were the black sheep of the family.

Our DC are old enough now to make up their own minds about their grandparents, and they have. They don't hold them in high regard and it is their own fault.

Make your own Christmas traditions, spend Christmas with people who want to spend it with you. Don't waste time crying over them, they aren't worth it.

@ DontmindifIdo

We've now made plans to spend Christmas Day with the PILs. Father-in-law is going to dress up as Santa!

I'm very sad that my parents don't seem to be excited about seeing my little boy.

I was told that I wouldn't have children so he is very precious to me and I find this lack of interest very hurtful.

I can understand why you're hurt by this situation, OP. It is upsetting when Grandparents favour grandchildren. Your DC is the centre of your world (quite rightly, IMO) but that's not the case for your parents.

My DP's take my sister's children on holiday with them, they have them to stay (regularly). They don't do any of that for my DS. They also spend every Christmas with my sister and family.

It helps not to think of things as being 'unfair'. Things are just different.
DH and I have learnt to expect nothing from our parents, so any time they do show an interest it's a lovely surprise.

Plus, the silver lining of this is that no one ever tries to interfere in our lives (as I see happening on a lot of threads on here) and we do what we like.

@ intitgrand - Charming!

They don't have to go to London - they want to go! They could just have come up to Paris for a few days - they decided to go to London and pop in ours on the way back. They could come for longer - they don't want to!

@Dollywobbles - thanks for your understanding!

They want to keep everyone happy!

YANBU. I can understand how hurtful that must be. Your parents are being unfair by going back on the arrangements.

How often do your parents see your DC?

intitgrand - I see what you are trying to say, but that does seem like you are telling the OP she should be grateful for whatever scraps of time they make available and while it's reasonable for her parents to fit in with her DB and SIL's plans, when it comes to her, she should be as flexible as possible and distrupt her DC, because they have found a little bit of time for her.

I also think the advice of trying to keep awake a baby who normally sleeps for 2-3 hours so they can have some quality time with their grandparents as rather laughable - I've never felt it was quality time to be in the company of a shouty, overtired baby. Surely that's something to be endured, not enjoyed... (Although OP, while you see tht they should want to see your DD, remember you are their DD, they might actually want to see you).

so it is popping in on the way back! ARe the flying in and out of Paris? So coming to close to you to fly to your DBs and then just seeing you after the flight, before driving/train home?

Could you invite your other DB to you for Christmas? Sod them.

Oh, just seen you are seeing PIL.

Focus on them, they sound lovely. You can't make your parents be the parents you want them to be. But both your parents and your DH's parents are right now equal to your DD, your DD will, as she gets older, realise who makes an effort for her and who doesn't and will care accordingly.

Build traditions with your PIL, never make them feel like they are the "B team grandparents" because yours aren't avilable. If in the future, your brother has other plans your parents decide they want to see you for Christmas, include them but don't fit round them or dump PILs.

I really sympathise, OP, the birth of grandchildren can often reopen some very old wounds regarding siblings and the way they are treated.
The hurt and sense of injustice you feel is entirely warranted and understandable, especially when you see your parents favouritism seemingly transferred to a new generation.
Unfortunately, as some of the posts on this thread have illustrated, simply expressing your hurt about this unfair treatment will cause some to accuse you of petulance, or of 'being difficult.' Your own parents may even (conveniently) choose to cast you in that mold. This is something I've seen many times in families. The best advice I can give you is not to make a scene, tell your parents (once and calmly) that you are disappointed, and don't mention it again. Focus on your own little family and your DPIL and have a lovely Christmas.

Some of these responses are so odd. No one but the parents likes gazing at a baby.
Really
Normally grandparents are interested in their grandchildren and would want to spend a lot more time with them, both gazing at them asleep and playing with them.

I completely see why you are hurt OP. Our family do alternate Christmases and I can't imagine any of the grandparents involved (my parents, MIL, my SILs parents) wanting to miss their turn. If there were a year we wanted to do things differently people would understand and it would be fine. However, we it would all be done in a way to ensure no one felt they were made to feel one family was being favoured over the other - easy as one family isn't being favoured over the other. In your case I think they have been thoughtless and are favouring your brother.

Not sure what you can do about it except discuss it with them a bit more openly and see what reasons you get from them. In the meantime, forget the chocolate and focus on planning a special day regardless of whether they come or not.

YANBU and I know how you feel. My DP favour my DB and his family massively. I invited them to us for Christmas in July and got a vague "well we'll have to see what we're doing...". Fast forward to November and they tell me that they have decided to go to DB's. It is hurtful. I know that my own DPs are this way because they don't want to be seen as bad "inlaws" to my SIL, so go completely over the top with them. They don't seem to have this issue with my family and assume I will fit in with whatever. TBH I have got used to it and now just don't expect anything from them. I know that when push comes to shove, they will choose my DB and his family over mine. That's just the way it is. It's sad, but we will also be having a lovely Christmas with my PILs and we'll see my DPs on Boxing Day.

OP i feel sorry for you, i am in a similar situation. My DPs (well DD and SDM) favour my sisters DCs over mine. They have never attended one of my DCs birthday parties despite being invited to all of them (that's 6 in total) and yet they have attended 8 out of the 9 parties my sister has held for her DCs.

They always spend more money on my sister's DCs than mine at Christmas. They insist that is because DH and i are wealthy whereas my DSis is not, but she is not exactly poor. She spends a lot on her DCs at Christmas and yet every year DPs buy way more in presents for her DCs than they do for mine. It wouldn't bother me, i am grateful for any present i or my DCs are given but one day my DCs will notice the obvious favouratism.

OP for whatever reason, you may never fully find out, they feel and act the way they do. In my experience you may never find out why but you are unlikely to alter they way they feel. I would just accept that that is that and move on. Focus on having a lovely Christmas with your DH and DC.

My brother has also not invited us for Christmas so I can't just turn up on the doorstop on Christmas Day!

No you don't. You have a lovely family Xmas with your DP and your baby. That is all you need.

So what if they visit your nephew and your brother (btw is your baby a girl?) if they are doing this now they probably have done it before and will do it again.

What are your partner's family doing? Could you invite them if you want more people?

topfivesongs
Has phrased it well.

This will pass, one day you might be glad that you don't have a fixed alternating arrangement.

I can see why you are upset. The trouble with this situation is that they promised you last year that they would come to you- now they are promising you next year- it is very likely that will let you down again next year and go to your Dbro's again- you simply can't believe they will stick to their word as they have let you down now. Have you asked them outright why they gone back on their promise? When you say your other brother is very distant, do you mean in term of geography, or emotionally? Could you get together with him for Christmas?

hello I think its really hurtful, and yes there seems to be more pull to London. Do they not see you at other times during the year?

What can you do? Force them to want to come to you?

The only thing you can is accept that they do not want to spend christmas with you.

Dont beg people to come to you, when clearly they do not want to see you.

Rise above it, plan something extra special and in future keep your expectations very low.

As someone else that has to put up with this sort of thing, I would agree with just getting on with having a nice time at Christmas with what you have!

Hope FIL dressed as Father Christmas is not too scary!

Did you feel that they favoured your brother before children were involved? I wouldn't take it personally. You say your mum has no say in the matter. Your dad has more in common with your brother. Neither of those suggest they don't love you. They just happen to be not fair! I can see why you are unhappy about it but I don't think you should take it so personally. That's just the way it is and is no reflection on you or your family.

Also your baby is one and hardly aware it's christmas. For anyone, it is more exciting to watch a two year olds excitement at christmas, no matter how much you love both the one and two year old. Hopefully as they get older things will balance out.

They know how you feel and see what happens next year - although tbh a three year olds christmas will be more fun than a two year olds iyswim. They think they won't get a chance next year as your db will be visiting their pil so they don't want to miss two consecutive years of the older child. But for the sake if fairness they must deliver on their promise next year or you'll never really forgive them will you? I hope they realise this and change their ways. They do need to treat gc the same, especially as they get older.

YANBU. I would be very hurt by this.

I can see why this is hurtful, but ultimately your parents can go where they want for christmas.

We had a similar with dmil. First year we moved in our house she went to dbil's because dsil was pregnant, the next year I was preganant, but it was dniece's first christmas, the next year was dd1's first christmas, but dniece was old enough to understand christmas. I've come to the conclusion that dmil just prefers to go there.

Dm also never comes for christmas. Our dds are her only dgc, and she's love to see them at christmas, but my db won't come here (too boring and too far from london) and dm won't leave him alone. Every year she says she'll come them next year, but never does.

It's hurtful, but there you go. And christmas with just us is lovely. I worry about when the dds are old enough ti notice, though.

I think a lot of people are being mean to the OP and so many are struggling to understand that OP lives in the same country as her parents.

I think one does expect GPs to take turns with GCs and if arrangements are made then they should be honoured.

I think it seems that either the brother is favoured/more needy and/or the GPs are being thoughtless in cancelling. I do think the OP has to toughen up though. You can't make people want to come to you for Christmas.

My family situation is that generally my mum spends the whole year moaning that she never spends Christmas with her grandchildren but opts to stay at home because my dad prefers to be king of his castle. Back in the spring I invited my parents, sister and her family to stay. None have declined but my mum told me today that they are going to my sisters for Christmas and that my parents might come for a few days on 27th and they might bring my sister too. No indication when they might finalise their plans. And you know, I'm not too fussed. I know they are too self-absorbed to consider how I feel so I'm getting on with my own plans that they'll have to fit around. Next year when my mum complains that she isn't spending Christmas with the GCs I'll say I don't want to hear it.

I think the posters who said you can't get hung up on what is "fair" are completely right.

Personally I think it is sad that your brother did not think to invite you aswell or that they are not all coming to your's or your parents house. Maybe next year you should all plan to include each other (if you get on) so the cousins can spend Christmas together.

I think you are right to feel let down, but unless the plans to visit you were set in stone and recently discussed then you can't really hold them to a 'promise' they made last year. But if it were me I would ask my parents to stay longer than one afternoon and if they refused/declined then I would want to know why.

Cheer up your DC will have a lovely Christmas and will be none the wiser!