Grandparents treating grandchildren unfairly at Christmas

[laura105]

My parents are being very unfair to their two grandchildren at Christmas and I'm feeling terribly depressed as a result.

I invited my parents to spend last Christmas Day with us (which was my baby's first Christmas) but they refused because they didn't want to miss their turning seeing my brother's child (who is 1 year older). I was very upset about this at the time but they promised to come this year.

My brother's partner doesn't want to visit her family this year because she only has Christmas Day and Boxing Day off work. So my brother invited my parents again for Christmas Day. Well, my parents have accepted and seem to have forgotten that they promised that it was my baby's turn.

My parents planned to go to London to see my brother on Christmas Day and then travel to France (where we live) on Boxing Day morning to spend Boxing Day with us. This meant that they would not arrive at our place before 11am and would leave at 5pm. My baby has lunch at 11.30 and naps between 2 and 3 hours in the afternoon so they would probably only see him for a few hours.

I have told them that this arrangement is not acceptable as they are not treating the two grandchildren fairly and I'm feeling so depressed at how they are treating my baby. I'm spending my days in tears and have terrible headaches. All I want to do is eat chocolate and buy clothes to cheer myself up.

Neither my parents nor my brother will accept that it's my turn.

My partner phoned them to attempt to resolve the matter and now they're offering to come next year... I honestly don't know if I can forgive them for missing my baby's first two Christmases and spending two Christmases in a row with my nephew.

What would you do?

Do you think your parents feel the need to be careful around your DSIL and that is why they have decided to go there? Sort of thinking that you, as their daughter, will be more accommodating about a change of mind?

I know it is easy to say this but please try not to over think it, concentrate on your own family and making a lovely Christmas for yourselves.

I am in the opposite situation, I know my parents spend more time with me than with DB & family, they find it very awkward going there, don't feel welcome etc etc etc but I am sure my DB probably thinks they are 'favouring' me and my family.

It's all a nightmare! Am glad I have an only child & hope I won't have these sorts of issues to face when he is grown up. .

Are you quite easily stressed, OP? That is the impression I am getting, although it is only from a couple of written lines, so I'm very sorry if I'm incorrect.

Perhaps your parents thought you might find it easier with a short visit than an overnight stay? Perhaps they find it easier at your brother's because they can muck in and have something to do (mind the kids)? Some people don't enjoy being 'waited on'...

Anyway, focusing on how things 'should be' is a guaranteed way to spoil any event. Enjoy what you have, accentuate the positives, and maybe as a new year's resolution, work on opening up communication between your family?

I don't understand why people are jumping to assumptions.

My parents live an equal distance from Paris and London. The travel costs are similar. They have to pay for hotel accomodation in both cities (Paris is cheaper).

My brother has not invited us to London and my parents have not invited us all to Brittany.

My parents only wanted to come for an afternoon on Boxing Day. We are gobsmacked that they are not offering to stay longer. They'll hardly get to see their grandson.

We always go out of our way to be hospitable to them. My brother leaves an empty fridge and they have to buy sandwiches when they babysit!

@Ragwort - Good point. My SIL and nephew visit her family for a few days each month. I think that my parents are sad that my brother's son spends more time with my SIL's parents and may be overcompensating. This seemed to be clear when they said last year that they didn't want to miss their turn (with my SIL's parent) seeing my brother's child last Christmas.

My parents live an equal distance from Paris and London. The travel costs are similar. They have to pay for hotel accomodation in both cities (Paris is cheaper).

Equal distance doesn't equal the same travel time though because flights are often the quickest way to travel.
Why are they paying for accommodation costs when they visit either of you? Do neither of you have any spare space? I would sleep on the sofa to accommodate my mum if she wanted to visit and I didn't have a spare room.

You say that they didn't offer to stay for longer, but did you suggest that you would like them to and that you will accommodate them (not expecting them to foot the bill for a hotel).

If I was your parents I would stay at home rather than visit either of my children and have to suffer staying in a hotel at Christmas time.

Your parents said they would come between 11am-5pm on Boxing Day, surely that is most of the day? You can have a nice lunch.

Adjust your child's nap time, or use the time he is sleeping to have some quality adult time with your parents.

Really, gazing at a baby all day is not that exciting except for the parents.

Most of us would be delighted not to have to entertain guests for a longer time .

well it was your decision to move to France wasnt it? and anyway your baby will not have any recall of who spent his first or second Christmas where in the future. so perhaps this is more about you and your brother being treated 'unfairly' than about your baby? did you have some problems about this as children?
so YABU

what do you mean offering to stay longer? have you invited them to stay longer?maybe after all that travelling they just want to go home ?

why don't you go to them instead of them having to travel all around?

OP, I think this is part of a bigger picture of you feeling they favour your brother and don't understand why and are hurt by it.

Having been there, I would say to let it go. They have made their decision and you have to act accordingly.

My parents are the same, and for now I have decided to still have them in my life. It still hurts when they tell me all the things they've done with my brother and his kids and they refuse to do the same with us.

Learn to set your expectations to zero and be pleased by anything.

@Ragwort

It is most of the day but they hardly ever see my son so I would have liked them to spend more time with him when he's actually awake.

I just feel like they were happy to come to our for Christmas until they got a better offer from my brother. Makes me feel pretty crap and rejected really.

@hermioneweasley

Sounds like we're in the same boat! Thanks for your kind words.

oh well try not being invited to any family Christmas celebrations for 15 years if you want crap and rejected.

Your brother and his wife's plans have been made, presumably at quite short notice, around her work pattern and your parents are fitting in with this. They didn't really decline an invitation from you; at worst they went back on a promise, and not really one that's a huge deal IMO.

I might consider having the in-laws over Christmas if they were only staying one day from 11am–5pm then again even they might well outstay their welcome

If you feel that you're being hospitable to them with not enough reward, then be less hospitable.

But, essentially, I agree with the 'grow up' sentiment. So what if they're spending more time with your brother? Just have a nice Christmas with your own family.

My DH family is like this. I have worked out that his sibling is more lazy 'needy' therefore warrants more attention.

It's sad but there you go. Fuck em.

OP, to my ears you just sound really jealous and a bit bitter and that is never a healthy place to be for you. Christmas is one day. As long as your parents see you and your child as often as you all decide between you, it really doesn't matter that much.

I do feel for you. My P's are off to my DB's for a whole week at Christmas, after declining my invite to come for the day last year as 'they like being in their own house.' So I know where you're coming from.

But you have to let it go. Honestly, you do. Sibling rivalry needs to stop when you grow up and that is what this is. You are an adult with your own family, focus on that rather than what your brother is getting from your parents. You need to start viewing this with your adult head, not your child's heart (crying and eating chocolate). It is their loss. Shruggyshruggerson and move on.

Can you stop expecting something from your parents and focus on your inlaws instead?

Can you turn around and say "Sorry, boxing day is no good as we have other plans. We had plans for YOU to come for Christmas day, and you have now decided to do something else, so will see you in the new year"

Yep, I am jealous and bitter than they declined our invitation two years in a row and preferred to travel to the UK to see the other grandchild.

do you see them other times in the year?

Why do you think they prefer to spend time with your brother?

We can only speculate based on what you have told us but you must have an idea.

Have they always favored him? Because I think it is about you and your brother not about the grandchildren.

Hmm, do they tend ot favour your brother over you? (not just the DCs)

It does read like they are making an effort for your brother, but then just swinging by yours so they can say they've been fair, but aren't really making the same effort to see you. Which would be fine if they did one side one year and one side the next, but if they always intend to put your brother's family first, it's going to grate.

I know my brother is a bit of a golden child in our family, it used to annoy me that when both my DB and I moved to the South East (we grew up in the north west) my parents would make an effort to go to see him - I was only visited when it was part of another journey, so as I was the East side of London, they'd stay the night before going to the ferry to France or on their way back, it always felt that they only saw me as a way of avoiding the cost of a travelodge near the port, whereas they went to see my DB to see him. That has changed in the last few years, but I get the feeling that's because I have DCs and my DB doesn't, I still don't feel like they are visiting me!

Anyway, I think you need to stop being upset that they aren't the people you want them to be and they don't care as much as you'd like them too.

Will you be seeing your PIL over Christmas? I'd just accept that your parents aren't going to be the primary grandparents to your DC and focus on your PILs. Invite them, make a big fuss. Build your own family traditions that don't include extended family on your side, if in future years, your parents want to join in, great, but you don't fit round them and you accept they won't be a big part of your DC's Christmas traditions.

I can understand that it is disappointing.
Have you asked your parents why?
Have you told them that you are really disappointed?

There can be all sorts of reasons which we don't know about.
It may have something to do with the different relationship both you and your brother have with your parents.

Do they get on as well with your DH as they do your brother's partner?

I think you should give some thought to the fact your parents are prepared to travel to see any of you at Christmas. Its not the best time to travel and it may be the best plan for them.

@Pennythedog

It seems to be my Dad who favours my younger brother. They both have similar interests in politics and rugby. My Mum doesn't seem to get much say in the matter.

My older brother is very distant from them btw.