Grandparents treating grandchildren unfairly at Christmas

[laura105]

My parents are being very unfair to their two grandchildren at Christmas and I'm feeling terribly depressed as a result.

I invited my parents to spend last Christmas Day with us (which was my baby's first Christmas) but they refused because they didn't want to miss their turning seeing my brother's child (who is 1 year older). I was very upset about this at the time but they promised to come this year.

My brother's partner doesn't want to visit her family this year because she only has Christmas Day and Boxing Day off work. So my brother invited my parents again for Christmas Day. Well, my parents have accepted and seem to have forgotten that they promised that it was my baby's turn.

My parents planned to go to London to see my brother on Christmas Day and then travel to France (where we live) on Boxing Day morning to spend Boxing Day with us. This meant that they would not arrive at our place before 11am and would leave at 5pm. My baby has lunch at 11.30 and naps between 2 and 3 hours in the afternoon so they would probably only see him for a few hours.

I have told them that this arrangement is not acceptable as they are not treating the two grandchildren fairly and I'm feeling so depressed at how they are treating my baby. I'm spending my days in tears and have terrible headaches. All I want to do is eat chocolate and buy clothes to cheer myself up.

Neither my parents nor my brother will accept that it's my turn.

My partner phoned them to attempt to resolve the matter and now they're offering to come next year... I honestly don't know if I can forgive them for missing my baby's first two Christmases and spending two Christmases in a row with my nephew.

What would you do?

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, it is very hurtful to have parents treat siblings preferentially. I also don't think it's unreasonable to have an element of childishness in your reaction (thinking if the 'not fair' comments), if this has been the situation since you were a child and you've not rationalised it in your head yet, then you will feel that way.

My DM has always favoured my younger sibling over me and transferred this to GCs. I had some counselling for a while about my dysfunctional upbringing and came to understand that it was her issue, not mine. People who favour one child or grandchild over others are weird and unfair, but it doesn't mean that the favoured one is more deserving, or the unfavoured less loveable. My response has been to find alternative family replacements for my DC; this year we have one elderly and one disabled neighbour coming over, and my local friends take the place of aunties and uncles (coming to school plays, taking eldest to panto etc.) When they are older they may question why their GM only seems bothered by their cousins, and I will need to find a way to explain that she's weird and unfair. But they won't have missed out on affection.

I think try to draw a line under it OP and have a great first Christmas with your LO. There was a lovely thread a whole ago about creating your own family traditions and this would be a great time to start that. If you have more than one child, I'm sure you will be very careful not to repeat the unfairness you have experienced.

To honest - the way you are going on about this and about being "unfair" sounds very immature and saying with you does not sound a very attractive prospect.

Life is not fair. Get over it or you are going to be one very unhappy person

• staying with you

You cannot make ryhme nor reason of why people act like they do, like who they do or do what they do.

Theres Nowt so queer of folk.

Please ignore the more ....cut and dried posters, you have some good advice here.

People come at situations from personal perspectives, as some one who also had a miracle child I can totally understand your hurt, I would have been devastated if my parents had done what's yours did.

But the only way to deal with it, as said many times, very wisely is to dis engage and lower expectations.

Do not let them come boxing day, and next year plan a really super Christmas, go skiing or to Barbados....and do something amazing the three of you.

I can totally understand that people naturally may get on with or like on child better than another, but the people who have created these beings, should in my opinion to a mature job of treating them as equally as possible unless there are more severe issues.

I would blame the rugby!Men who love it would do anything to watch it together.Cricket too.I bet there will be cricket on in the SHemisphere and your brother has rugby taped for your dad to watch!

I think it is perfectly natural to feel hurt about this. So would I. I have also had major difficulties with my parents and now focus on my nuclear family. Events such as Christmas are spent with my in laws, BIL and my DB if he is around. As many people have said, you can't change them, you can only change the way you react. For your own happiness, you need to let this go, not prioritise them (no, you are not free on Boxing Day...) and focus on your DH and LO and making your own traditions. I have done this and now my DD is a bit older (5) she loves getting involved too and we have loads of fun.

Ragwort - I completely agree with you that it's easier to change your own reaction, to rise above people who upset you and feel like the better person for it. I think it probably also makes one appear less needy and more attractive to be with. I've tried it but I envy those who manage to do it consistently! And there is still a part of me that thinks, why should selfish thoughtless people get away with their behaviour again and again and not be told they should try to change? I know in the past when I recognise that I've been wrong and people have told me I've been selfish, it's made me reconsider my behaviour and change it. Are other people so inflexible?

Yanbu.

It is horrible when GPS treat gc differently. I used to be really really annoyed at mil clearly favouring sil children and ignoring mine and getting them cheap presents at Xmas and sil dcs got hundreds spent on them.

Then I realised that I was making myself bitter and unhappy worrying about it and decided to stop caring about it completely.

Yanbu

You should have made a bigger fuss when your parents initially changed plans and cancelled Christmas with you. What did you say?

They are being very unfair to cancel on you and spend a second Xmas in a row with your db. It does seem to an outsider like me that they favour your brother.

I think you might have to draw a line under Christmas and make plans that don't involve them. Celebrate Christmas with your pil. Go away for your own family Christmas holiday.

Maybe it would be easier to plan for them to spend another holiday with them every year, maybe there is a French bank holiday that you can all spend together? One where there is no option to choose spending it with your db.

If I was you I would cancel Boxing Day, I would be too upset about being the second choice squeezed into an afternoon. Maybe invite them around for a full day on the weekend after Christmas?