Grandparents treating grandchildren unfairly at Christmas

[laura105]

My parents are being very unfair to their two grandchildren at Christmas and I'm feeling terribly depressed as a result.

I invited my parents to spend last Christmas Day with us (which was my baby's first Christmas) but they refused because they didn't want to miss their turning seeing my brother's child (who is 1 year older). I was very upset about this at the time but they promised to come this year.

My brother's partner doesn't want to visit her family this year because she only has Christmas Day and Boxing Day off work. So my brother invited my parents again for Christmas Day. Well, my parents have accepted and seem to have forgotten that they promised that it was my baby's turn.

My parents planned to go to London to see my brother on Christmas Day and then travel to France (where we live) on Boxing Day morning to spend Boxing Day with us. This meant that they would not arrive at our place before 11am and would leave at 5pm. My baby has lunch at 11.30 and naps between 2 and 3 hours in the afternoon so they would probably only see him for a few hours.

I have told them that this arrangement is not acceptable as they are not treating the two grandchildren fairly and I'm feeling so depressed at how they are treating my baby. I'm spending my days in tears and have terrible headaches. All I want to do is eat chocolate and buy clothes to cheer myself up.

Neither my parents nor my brother will accept that it's my turn.

My partner phoned them to attempt to resolve the matter and now they're offering to come next year... I honestly don't know if I can forgive them for missing my baby's first two Christmases and spending two Christmases in a row with my nephew.

What would you do?

I would be hurt living abroad or not, your their child to, it's your baby's 1st Christmas. They've had 12 months to make plans. I agree with you op I would be upset x

They promised to do something and went back on their word. They are spending two Christmases with one child and haven't spent a Christmas with the other. Regardless of age, your parents ARE favouring your brother's family over yours. For that reason, I would ask them outright what their problem is.

YANBU as they also live in France.

I would be incredibly upset

yanbu - you either have to live with it or bring it to a head - which could go either way

YABU! It's November!!! It's too bloody late to change plans now!

They've offered to travel from London to France (somewhere therein) on boxing day morning and still that's not enough for you to feel valued? Are you insane???!

They can't be in two places at once. The best they can do is go to the one that they see least of through the year and travel to the other as close to The Day as possible. That is what they are doing. NEXT year (it is way WAY to late to have this whinge now) suggest you book somewhere you'd all enjoy staying - Bavaria? - for the hols.

huh, serves me right for not reading the post properly, Maryz. Apologies to all.....

In that case, OP, you are right to be livid (but not right to be hurt). It is wrong to change your plans for Christmas a month beforehand, esp if the plans involve planes/ferries/trains/other people. I'd not waste time being offended as families are LIKE that.

YANBU.

My parents are like this with DSis and DN. I try and have low expectations, have increasingly focused on IL who are willing to make an effort with our DC but every so often they do something that favors DN that just hurts me again as if feel like my DC are being rejected.

They know we'll be moving further away fairly soon yet still they rarely visit.

I've brought it up with my parents but they dismiss it or get angry with us or tell us we are imaging it - which we not as others in family have noticed and commented.

Best to try and ignore or rant on here then ignore - and make other plans IME though I do now refuse to change our pre arranged plans for their last minute convenience - they have to fit round us.

I think this is a case of you can't control how people treat you, only how you react to it.

Don't allow your christmas to be ruined by something like this. If they don't want to come, that's their loss.

Great that PIL are happy to be part of your plans. Have a lovely christmas.

I wouldn't mind a quiet Christmas with DH and baby, then with Grand Parents coming on boxing day, even if it happened every year for next 18 years (my child is 13 months).

I think that this is more an issue about feeling like your bro is favoured rather than Christmas plans. If they favour your bro because he has more in common with your Dad then is it so bad if you still have a good relationship with your parents?

YANBU to feel put out by their favouring of their other grandchild but in the nicest possible way, you are really overreacting. "Feeling depressed" and "being gobsmacked" that they're not staying longer. Really?! It also sounds like you have high expectations of them which is not adding to a harmonious relationship. Just let it go and enjoy Christmas.

YABU as you can't make people want to be with you - even family. It is their choice and their life. You either take what they offer or leave it. The likelihood is that they are doing it for reasons that make sense to them even if it doesn't to you.

Assuming your relationship with them is ok normally then I would just enjoy the time to yourself and then give them the time of their lives so they want to come for more time next time. Are they from the UK originally and maybe want to spend Christmas day in the UK?

Not meaning this horribly but you come across in this post as a bit clingy and overreacting. Maybe they sense this and find it more relaxing with your db if he is normally more laid back. Or maybe they just feel more comfortable there. Maybe he has more room? It could be 101 things but as my dh always says to me (when his family treat us like second class citizens compared to his siblings) you can't make people want to be with you or to do what you think they should.

Enjoy yourself and stop worrying about it. It will eat you up - take it from one who knows. Its not worth it.

you haven't replied to the poster who asked what your relationship with your brother is like - it sounds quite bad if they ignored the fact that you'd already invited your DPs. Or didn't they know? Have you actively said to your parents that you'd like them to stay for longer? You sound a bit passive in this - I can't tell if you want things to be a certain way but aren't actually doing anything to make that happen. Invite them to babysit, why not - maybe they think you're odd not to have asked - maybe they think you don't trust them?

It does sound upsetting but your reaction sounds a little over the top too. Oh, and don't post in AIBU if you're going to get shirty about posters not agreeing with you - they don't have to, you know! Especially when you leave rather relevant info (that your and your DPs are the ones living in the same country) from your OP.

I think the interesting thing is that you say your parents are being unfair to the babies, when clearly the children are too young to have any expectations. Be honest with yourself that you want to be the priority this year (and I get that completely).

Christmas is a bloody minefield in some families. Try not to make it one in yours. You have many years ahead of you.

I don't think yabu to feel hurt, but I hope you and DP really enjoy the time with the PIL and that your DC has a lovely time!

I think lots of posters on here are being incredibly unsympathetic and I find it hard to believe that they wouldn't feel hurt in your situation. It is not childish to expect promises to be kept and many families 'take turns' at Christmas - that's not childish either, but just an approach that means grandparents feel they get enough time with their grandchildren at such a special time.

My parents never invite us for Christmas or show the slightest desire to come to ours (they live in France and we live in England), but I don't care because they love being on their own (year round, not just at Christmas!) and if they want it that way then it would only be awkward if they were staying with us. But if it's a case of favouritism, and your parents going back on their promise, then I think you have every right to have a word with them about it. I just don't think people should get away with not putting themselves in other people's shoes.

I understand what you are saying twoturtledoves but something I learned through counselling is that you can't change other people's reactions, you can only change your own reaction.

The OP can't make her parents come to her for Christmas, if they did change their minds and come do you think it would really make a difference or would she be silently resenting the fact that she might be 'second best'.

So often people get upset in these sorts of situations and the answer (in my view) isn't to make the other people change their mind - but to learn how to deal with your own expectations/disappointment.

A sort of example is that my DH used to play rugby every Saturday and go to the bar afterwards, one night I insisted he came home & spent the night with me, he came home & went to bed at 8pm . I learned then to manage my expectations and make my own plans for Saturday nights to meet friends etc so that I wasn't 'expecting' someone else to fulfil my needs (BTW that was a long time ago & doesn't happen anymore - in fact I wish he would go out more often ).

I don't think YABU - I would feel hurt too - have your patents always favoured your brother?
I say that because I can hear a child's hurt voice in your post.

As with most families, we struggle to fit in both sides of the family and my side of the family have the same problem so we always just meet on boxing day, or the day after boxing day. We don't see this as a problem or upsetting because it's normal for us.

We aren't religious, Christmas for us is about our family traditions and celebrating the family, not about the baby Jesus!

Christmas Day when the inlaws come. That's a quiet affair with just the usual dinner and Telly and not much to talk about. We only every see my in laws at Christmas and don't have anything in common with them but my hubby only has his sister left in as everyone else has died and his dad has advanced dementia so they both need to pick up on that family bond while FIL is still here and my dd actually gets to see her aunt. I suspect that'll stop though when my FIL passes away.

The second day is usually the day after Boxing Day or Boxing Day itself. My family and my step family all meet up. There's normally 15-18 of us and last year it swapped from being at my dads each year to us hosting and will probably remain that way. All these separate units have the same issues as us so we all choose to see the other side of our families on Christmas Day and have our big Christmas party on another day. It's a relaxed day with food always on the table and lots of party games and exchanging our gifts to each other then rather than opening them when the giver isn't there to see on Christmas Day.

In short, it's only an issue not to be with people on Christmas Day if you take the attitude it's a snub, we don't, we are practical and as such I'm not alone in preferring the big family day to the small Christmas Day although my in laws are invited to our big Boxing Day too but don't come.

As an adult we have to learn to dealing with being 'hurt' - yes, it is hard but that is life. I have relatives who favour other relatives, equally I am 'favoured' over some others. It is almost impossible to treat everyone the same. It is just a fact of life that you get on better with some people rather than others - the OPs father enjoys talking rugby with her brother, perhaps he is not so keen on a Christmas where he might be expected to dress up as Santa which is what the OP's FIL is happy to do.

My father loves talking politics and current affairs, Christmas spent with one of my siblings which revolves round watching crap tv is his idea of hell.

You are not being unreasonable.... THEY (and many people on this thread) on being horrible. If anybody seriously considers a trip from London to Paris some sort of exotic out-of-the-way travel abroad, they live a sad life indeed. It's a hop and skip on Eurostar and rather cheap if booked well in advance. If the grandparents truly wanted to be with you on Christmas, the distance nor the cost would be a factor.

Furthermore, a promise is a promise. Anyone who would call that childish isn't worth their spit as a human being, and I feel sickened and alarmed that their children have to share the planet with my child. Furthermore, it's not some fleeting relationship where promises were made without thinking.... they are your PARENTS. Promises aside, they should make an effort to be fair in any case.

Lastly... no, the baby doesn't know that it's Christmas... but YOU do. None of the "Baby's 1st Christmas" stuff we all buy is for the baby... it's for US... the parents. Celebrating having a child and looking forward to all the fun Christmases to come.

Yes maity but just by telling the OP that her parents are being 'horrible' isn't going to change the situation or help her to deal with her feelings of rejection and disappointment. Unless she just wants to sit around crying and having lots of mumsnetters saying 'poor OP, your parents are horrible, you are lovely, hun'. How is that going to help the OP in the long run?

It's a hop and skip on Eurostar and rather cheap if booked well in advance. If the grandparents truly wanted to be with you on Christmas, the distance nor the cost would be a factor.

But if the OP really wanted them to visit and stay longer she would ensure that they didn't have to stay in a hotel. The Eurostar might be cheap if booked in advance but add in the hotel cost if they wanted to stay rather than spend a whole day travelling to and fro and it suddenly isn't very cheap at all.
I would never expect my parents to stay in a hotel if they came to visit me and if there really was no alternative then I would pay the hotel cost myself. I would sleep on the sofa to give my bed to my parents overnight.
I don't think this whole family are selfless nor accommodating.

Xmas. We can all choose to whine and moan about something or just enjoy what we do have and get on with our lives.

You're all adults and your parents can choose to spend Xmas with whoever they want to. Maybe they do prefer spending time with your DB to you. Perhaps they feel more relaxed there or maybe they're more afraid of upsetting him and his wife?

Cut them some slack. They've brought you both up and now you are all adults (!) they can choose how they want to spend their days inc. Xmas.

Try and get out of the mindset of 'turns' and 'what's fair' and just concentrate your energies on your DH and DB.

If you can't let it all go when your baby isn't yet 1yrs, how will you successfully navigate the next 18+ years? Don't waste energy on negative thoughts. You'll end up depressed with massive wrinkles.

Life is much easier when you let go a bit sometimes. :-)

Do what QS suggested a long way upthread: tell them that you have made other plans for boxing day and as they can't make Christmas Day as planned last year, then you will see them in January. Honestly you will be fuming on Boxing Day otherwise. Cut them out of your Xmas entirely and then enjoy yourself. Make sure to make other fun plans for Boxing Day. Can you get together with friends or plan a day trip?

And don't invite them for next year. Leave it open - if they ask to come, then great, they are welcome. But don't put yourself through this again. It's emotionally draining and could ruin Xmas for you. You should try to build your own family traditions and focus on that.

Hope you have a wonderful holiday!