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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents treating grandchildren unfairly at Christmas

135 replies

laura105 · 27/11/2013 10:50

My parents are being very unfair to their two grandchildren at Christmas and I'm feeling terribly depressed as a result.

I invited my parents to spend last Christmas Day with us (which was my baby's first Christmas) but they refused because they didn't want to miss their turning seeing my brother's child (who is 1 year older). I was very upset about this at the time but they promised to come this year.

My brother's partner doesn't want to visit her family this year because she only has Christmas Day and Boxing Day off work. So my brother invited my parents again for Christmas Day. Well, my parents have accepted and seem to have forgotten that they promised that it was my baby's turn.

My parents planned to go to London to see my brother on Christmas Day and then travel to France (where we live) on Boxing Day morning to spend Boxing Day with us. This meant that they would not arrive at our place before 11am and would leave at 5pm. My baby has lunch at 11.30 and naps between 2 and 3 hours in the afternoon so they would probably only see him for a few hours.

I have told them that this arrangement is not acceptable as they are not treating the two grandchildren fairly and I'm feeling so depressed at how they are treating my baby. I'm spending my days in tears and have terrible headaches. All I want to do is eat chocolate and buy clothes to cheer myself up.

Neither my parents nor my brother will accept that it's my turn.

My partner phoned them to attempt to resolve the matter and now they're offering to come next year... I honestly don't know if I can forgive them for missing my baby's first two Christmases and spending two Christmases in a row with my nephew.

What would you do?

OP posts:
SomethingkindaOod · 27/11/2013 11:17

I think that tbh you need to gets your parents away from this taking turns thing, it's caused too much hurt after one year already!
My parents live up the road from us and didn't see us on Christmas Day for years because we tended to not go out at all or invite anyone over, we're not generally that type of family.
Instead what we did was all get together the week before and had Christmas dinner, small presents, crackers and all the trimmings. The pressure was off everyone then and we were free to do the day itself in our own way.
Can you do the same? Your parents can have maybe a couple of days with you then, you can still do Christmassy things and they won't be travelling on Boxing Day, which let's face it usually ends up on the news for all the wrong reasons... Grin
At a guess your DC is roughly the same age as my youngest so probably will be noticing small parts of the season and will pick up the excitement. Capitalise on that by doing it a bit early with his Grandparents.

SomethingkindaOod · 27/11/2013 11:19

Sorry, I wrote a thesis and x posted with the whole thread... I thought you lived in France and your parents in England.
[thick]

Norudeshitrequired · 27/11/2013 11:19

Can't your parents stay with you for a few days as it seems a very long journey for them to only visit for a few hours.

With regard to the babysitting - maybe they like doing it and don't mind travelling. Maybe they feel a bit saddened and pushed out by you not asking them?

As your SIL only has a couple of days off work I can see the logic in visiting them first as they might not get the chance to visit them over Xmas at all otherwise.

Original poster
laura105 · 27/11/2013 11:21

I live in the same country as my parents. They live 3 hours away by train.

They are choosing to fly to the UK for Christmas rather than coming here.

They visit my brother more often than they visit us.

OP posts:
Maryz · 27/11/2013 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AbiRoad · 27/11/2013 11:21

My parents never come to us at CHristmas. If we want to see them we have to go to them (which we do every 2 or 3 years). It is a short flight away. It is not a cost issue because we would offer to pay, and they come over anyway at some stage in December if we dont go to them. Other GCs live near them so they see them every year on christmas day. They also see far more of their other GC the rest of the year. It is fine, no problem, my children never feel like they are second class or that my parents prefer the other GC. i think it is more about how they are with them when they do see them rather than when they see them.

SeeJaneWin · 27/11/2013 11:22

It sounds crap. But crying, eating chocolate, and wanting to go shoping is just... I think you need to drop the feeble woman bit and make your own life.

By the way, if they don't care that much about your feelings, don't feel bad about asking them to visit for babysitting duty. It's half the point, and maybe it makes them feel needed.

Madmammy83 · 27/11/2013 11:22

It sounds like you don't want them there because you WANT them there, IYKWIM. It sounds like you want them there because of a childish "but it's my turrrrn".

My mother lives less than an hour away, has only 3 grandchildren (my kids) and has never spent Christmas with us - actually I'm lying, she came the year my son was 2, got rat arsed drunk on Christmas Eve, then spent Christmas Day in my spare room puking into a bucket until about 4pm when she got up and drove home.

Just enjoy your Christmas with your husband and children, and let your parents do their own thing. They obviously have their reasons, let them at it - if they changed their minds now it'd be all awkward anyway so just concentrate on having a good day with what and who you already have.

Maryz · 27/11/2013 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
laura105 · 27/11/2013 11:22

@Norudeshitrequired

They only want to pop in for a few hours! They want to spend their time and money in London.

OP posts:
LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 27/11/2013 11:22

The last thing you want to do is spend christmas with people who don't want to be there. Just concentrate on your own little family and have a wonderful christmas.

annielouisa · 27/11/2013 11:23

Do your parents get to see you more than your DB as you live in the same country? I think poor parents feel pulled in all directions. I do not know if you mean to but you are coming across as quite petulant. I was expecting a thread about one set of grandchildren getting loads spent on them and the others very little.

I think Christmas will be spoilt for everyone if it is a constant battle for parents attention. They are rushing back on boxing day probably at great expense to try and please you but they are shot down for that. Arrangements should not be made a year ahead as things change and SIL will probably be at her family next year when she has more time off.

Your DC will be older and more able to enjoy the festivities so get the pleasure of his DGP then.

Maryz · 27/11/2013 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SeeJaneWin · 27/11/2013 11:25

OP, are your parents either French/English? If they are English living in France, I can well understand them being keener to go to London. Just a thought.

Of course, they may well be neither! Smile

Upthejunction1 · 27/11/2013 11:30

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velvetmoon · 27/11/2013 11:30

I don't think you're being unreasonable - your parents accepted an invitation to yours and have now decided to go to see your brother and his family again. Have you talked to them about how it's making you feel? It might be worth just sitting down and having a proper conversation about it.

However, if they still refuse, don't concentrate on the bad parts and instead just try to make Christmas as good as it can be for you and your new family. It'll be a chance to spend Christmas with your DH and DC as a family - don't let your parents ruin that.

Norudeshitrequired · 27/11/2013 11:31

I have tried to understand and see the op's point of view, but the more i read, the more it sounds like childish sibling rivalry and 'he got more sweets than me...'

They are visiting both of you.
They have a closer bond with your brother and his child because they babysit for them (something you dont want them to do).
Although you live in the same country, it probably takes longer to get to you because it's a 3 hour train journey vs a short plane journey.
Have you asked them to stay overnight or just assumed that they don't want to?
Do you have the space to accommodate them?
Are you a hospitable and accommodating person?
Do they get on with your partner and feel comfortable in his company.

Are you going to be mad if your brothers child has an extra fiver spent on his present from your parents too?

I think you need to get on with enjoying Christmas with the people who you are close to, rather than seething about your brother being the favourite.
You are an adult now.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 27/11/2013 11:32

Have you actually spoken to either of them about how you feel?

TSSDNCOP · 27/11/2013 11:32

Is it slightly possible that Christmas at your brothers is a slightly less highly strung, blame-filled, click watchy affair?

They are being apparently unfair from your description, but faced with your reaction I'd be shitting myself about turning up at yours anyway.

Let it go. Enjoy Christmas with your baby. Invite everyone next year.

CinnamonPorridge · 27/11/2013 11:34

I would actually be hurt as well. But then move on. It's their loss.

Don't go and eat chocolate (in masses) because it will make you feel bad. See it for what it is, it has nothing to do with your child.

Definitely don't let it spoil your Christmas. I'd be tempted to tell them not to bother and to come properly next year.

givemeaclue · 27/11/2013 11:37

Invite all to yours.

Don't get into turn taking it takes away flexibility and causes issues further down the line.

purplemonstermunch · 27/11/2013 11:38

I get the feeling that Christmas might be a red herring for a much deeper issue...

SomethingkindaOod · 27/11/2013 11:42

What's your relationship with your Brother and SIL like usually? Are they the type to push to the front IYSWIM? Your parents made the wrong decision in deciding to change their plans to your detriment there's no doubt about that, it was an unkind thing to do. I can't help feel that your brother used the whole 'but you live in a different country to us' as a way to guilt them over to his for christmas.
I still think you should not go down the alternate Christmas thing, it won't end well. Make your own family traditions and if/when your parents come to you, they can fit in with your plans.

bamboostalks · 27/11/2013 11:47

That is hurtful. Poor you.

wishingchair · 27/11/2013 11:49

It is hurtful but I'm afraid there's nothing you can do other than get over it. And I really suggest you get your parents more involved in your baby's life and have them over to babysit. IME grandparents really really want to help!