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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be struggling to get my DSs to school on time?

139 replies

VelvetSpoon · 26/11/2013 18:23

DS1 (yr11) didn't go to school again today. DS2 (yr8) went but was barely on time. They are late often, they had been doing better since half term, and hadn't been late at all. In the last week DS1 has been late twice, and today didn't go in at all.

I am struggling. They refuse to get up in the morning, and as I am out of the house before 7.30 I don't have time to spend ages waking them, but if I don't there's a risk they'll be late. Or I have to stay later and make myself late for work.

School aren't interested. With a A-C passrate below 40%, DS1 (who can get a C without working or revising) isn't a priority.

I have tried removal of xbox, it works temporarily but not beyond a day or two (even if its still confiscated then).

Am at my wits end really.

OP posts:

lovelilies · 26/11/2013 18:30

Can you change your working hours so you can physically take them to school yourself? As their parent it is your responsibility to make sure they attend and get there on time.

lovelilies · 26/11/2013 18:32

Or a childminder/family/friend?
They obviously aren't responsible themselves...

kotinka · 26/11/2013 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

VelvetSpoon · 26/11/2013 18:33

I can't change my working hours - I have to be at work by 9. As it is I don't get home til 7 or later most nights, so starting later/finishing later isn't really possible. And I have to work to pay my mortgage!

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 26/11/2013 18:34

YABU - they are old enough to get themselves to school on time & you need to do whatever it takes for them to get there. I would say if they are late then they have to leave the house with you at 7.30 .

RedHelenB · 26/11/2013 18:35

Surely the school are on your back over unauthorised absence if they're not going to school?

OddBoots · 26/11/2013 18:39

If they can't be trusted to get up and to school in the morning then they aren't mature enough to stay up late in the evening. Their bed time will have to get earlier until it is early enough for them to have got enough sleep to be up in the morning. If that requires the removal of distractions in bedrooms then so be it.

But then I'm a pretty strict parent.

Weegiemum · 26/11/2013 18:40

I'm in the house, but ds and dd2 (11 and almost 10) leave at 7.30 to get the bus, dd1 leaves at 7.40 to get her bus.

It's a routine that we've got into - lunch made and bag packed at night, dd1 (13) showers at night. So it's get up, eat breakfast, clean teeth and GO!

lovelilies · 26/11/2013 18:41

If you can't be there, you need to find an adult who will. YABU, what do they do about dinner if you're not home til 7pm?

Ragwort · 26/11/2013 18:42

I would be inclined to tell them they have to leave with you at 7.30 - definately take away the X box/any other privileges.

You must feel very sad that you are working so hard and your children can't even get out of bed. . You obviously have a strong work ethic but they don't, have they thought about what they want to do when they leave school, is it worth having the 'you need to grow up chat'. I would hate to be working this hard if my children were so entitled, I trust you don't give them pocket money/pay for their mobiles etc?

Sympathies, it must be really hard for you.

lovelilies · 26/11/2013 18:42

Make them leave when you do and go to a breakfast club or something?

Ragwort · 26/11/2013 18:43

love - presumably children can wait until after 7pm for a meal - or perhaps they cook it themselves sounds unlikely.

kotinka · 26/11/2013 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lovelilies · 26/11/2013 18:49

Now and then, agreed, but every night? I always used to be starving after school, and I'm hoping dd (y4 atm) won't have to fend for herself on a daily basis...

WooWooOwl · 26/11/2013 18:50

Do you have a DH around, or do they have a Dad elsewhere that could have them during the week?

There is no way my child in y8 would be capable of getting himself up, ready and out if the house on time. Your y11, should be able to do it, but he shouldn't have the responsibility to get his brother up and out in time.

Could you get a childminder or someone to be there in the mornings?

Original poster

VelvetSpoon · 26/11/2013 18:52

Yes, they eat when I get in. They can make a hot snack (beans on toast, scrambled egg) or a sandwich when they get in from school. I have started leaving dinner in the slow cooker once or twice a week so on those days they can eat that.

There really isn't another adult that can be here. I don't have any family. My friends are either at work or busy with their own children.

We have had the becoming an adult/ being responsible chat. They buy into it for a week at best, then slip back.

The school really aren't that bothered, it isn't a good school and there are so many other issues with discipline, attendance figures seem to be low on their priority list.
Today I got told at 1.45pm my son wasn't at school (school finishes at 3); they hadn't noticed beforehand apparently.

OP posts:

gorionine · 26/11/2013 18:55

I have a DD in Y10 and a DS in Y8, they live the house after me in the morning and have not been late once (although they go to the same school, they do not walk the same way and do not leave the house together). I think if I had had the same problem as you, I would do talk to the school, as you did, so they are aware of the circumstances (you are not a horrible mother who does not care, quite the opposite by the sound of it). Then, I would let the school deal with it and my DCs pay for the consequences. My DCs' school would not let join in for the proms or any fun trips if recurrent lateness, unauthorised absences etc. I am surprised your Dcs school is not more concerned about their lateness there is more to a rounded individual than good grades, being responsible for themselves (they are old enough) is definitely something that should be encouraged within the school, I really do not understand their position on this.

Clobbered · 26/11/2013 18:57

Time for a serious chat about consequences, particularly your Yr 11 DS. What does he want to do with his life? How is he going to achieve that? If you can sort him out, hopefully DS2 will follow suit. I would second them leaving the house with you in the morning.

ilovesmurfs · 26/11/2013 18:57

My eldest boys are yr 10 and yr 7 so similar and they do get up, ready and out the house for 7:40.

I am busy with the little three, if they slept in I would wake them but they have alarms set and they get up and ready. They pack bags, get uniforms ready the night before, ds2 ur 7 needs a bit of assistance/me checking he has all he needs as he is struggling with organization required at high school but he gets up in the morning, gets bfast, showered, dressed etc and is out the door on time for the bus with minimal input from me.

So they should be able to do this.

They need a routine. Why does your eldest not want to go to school? Are there any issues?

The thing is tho its pretty impossible to make a teen get up, you can't physically drag them up so not sure what to suggest.

Original poster

VelvetSpoon · 26/11/2013 18:57

I have a huge mortgage which I pay myself, no help from my Ex or anyone else. I have a good job, but it requires me to be there as a minimum 9-5, plus I have a commute each way which takes well over an hour due to traffic. Working from home isn't possible for security reasons.

I'd like to have more time at home, but I have bills to pay, so there isn't really a choice, in fact my working hours now are the shortest they've been in 12 years.

OP posts:

Chippednailvarnish · 26/11/2013 18:58

Then the only thing to do is make them leave the house with you.

ilovesmurfs · 26/11/2013 18:58

Well the school are crap, they need to be more supportive. How did they not notice till that time? What about morning register?

Getting them out the house with you may be your best bet.

LaGuardia · 26/11/2013 19:00

Isn't it illegal to leave such young children home alone? The thought of an 8 year old having to get themselves ready for school and get there alone makes me want to cry. It is neglectful at the very least.

gorionine · 26/11/2013 19:00

Exposted with you. Do thy generally like school? maybe they cannot be bothered because they do not like this particular school? shocking that the school have not realised he was missing for more than half a day.

ilovesmurfs · 26/11/2013 19:02

LaGuardia yr 8 so 12/13 yrs old!

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