to be struggling to get my DSs to school on time?

[VelvetSpoon]

DS1 (yr11) didn't go to school again today. DS2 (yr8) went but was barely on time. They are late often, they had been doing better since half term, and hadn't been late at all. In the last week DS1 has been late twice, and today didn't go in at all.

I am struggling. They refuse to get up in the morning, and as I am out of the house before 7.30 I don't have time to spend ages waking them, but if I don't there's a risk they'll be late. Or I have to stay later and make myself late for work.

School aren't interested. With a A-C passrate below 40%, DS1 (who can get a C without working or revising) isn't a priority.

I have tried removal of xbox, it works temporarily but not beyond a day or two (even if its still confiscated then).

Am at my wits end really.

They've never had formal bedtimes, because my hours when they were younger would have meant I never saw them. It's not like I've said 'now you're at secondary go to bed when you like' its something they've grown up with. I do accept now its possibly causing a problem, hence me saying they have to go to bed by 10 tonight.

I think since Sept DS1's missed 3 days, though one was illness. He's been late a lot more than 3 times, but not all have been marked as late for reasons mentioned above.

I think I would be taking them with me at 7:30 in the morning and leaving them at the school. High school generally do open earlier don't they due to extra classes? We were allowed to be there from 8:00am but loads of kids got there at a quarter to from the buses.

If it's any consolation, one of my best high school friends was often late as she had trouble waking up in the morning and said she had to have ten hours sleep a night to function.School effectively just shrugged their shoulders after first couple of incidents. She became dux.

No wonder you have trouble waking them up if they go to bed so late! My 14yo is suppossed to be in bed by 9pm. He gets up at about 6.30 am. I have never had to wake him up.

My heart goes out to you OP, it must all seem so hard (because it is)

I took a hard line with mine.
Constantly missed the bus, could I get the car out? No.
Your actions have consequences, so deal with it (this was age 18 mind)

I hated that the college she attended at 16 actually told us that students had a problem getting their for 9am, so their solution to that was to move the start time to 9.30 - well, good luck with that, hope future employers are as understanding.

Nothing made her change until she had to take responsibility for her own actions, but she's completely the opposite now.

The only solution I can think of for you is to get them up and out with you and drop off with a childminder who will deliver them to school.

I feel so sorry for you op I only have one in yr10 (others are younger) it is so difficult ...and I'm there.

I think you have got some good advice. I'd just like to give you some

Kepek thank you, that's given me a lump in my throat :)

I know he can do it, and he does want to. We are doing 6th form applications tomorrow, hoping that will focus him further.

why don't you make them leave the house with you??

Is OP supposed to manhandle them outside the door?

I am in similar situation with DS-yr9 although we are 2 parents. At least there's only one of him. :( School give all indications of not caring (historically considered the best school in the area).

Velvet, you have my deepest sympathies. I too am completely alone, no family nearby. All my friends either work or are busy with their own family - this needs a long-term solution, which friends can't provide. It's a very lonely situation to be in - trying to juggle every single ball to keep a house running and the children sorted. And when things go wrong there is nobody to turn to for advice. Not working is not an option, but this adds so much more pressure - and guilt, it feels like you have to fail at either parenting or working.

I am having similar problems, I haven't found a fix for my eldest yet (DD1 only has one more year of school!) However, these are the things that seem to be showing signs of progress.

• blocking the wifi after 9pm (although she has just figured out how to hack in to it)

• confiscating her life iPhone after 9pm. (This took about six months of persistence from me for this to actually work - for every day it wasn't in my hand by 9pm - without any prompt from me - she was grounded for a day. Keep reiterating - "it's your choice/ you chose to loose it/..." Don't let them swing it on to you being the bad person.) Dd1 only gets her phone back in the morning if she is out of the door - completely ready - by 8am

• After speaking to my GP in exasperation asked to be referred to the localities team (a step down from social services). The support worker has got a mentor from the local university to pair up with DD1, who is encouraging DD1 to enrol in activities, work on her school work, and generally hanging out with 'cool' people and working on DD1s motivation for life.

• I wake both children up when I get up. (DD2 is in year 6). Both are responsible for dressing themselves, packing their bags and getting their own breakfast. They hated being woken so early, but now they are used to it I no longer feel guilty.

• I got a new (family friendly) job and moved house so I was closer to work, they are further from school (actually I moved DD2 to a new school closer to the new home/work). I used it as a threat to begin with (take them house hunting...). I explained to them that without being able to work we would be hungry and homeless. They still don't get it - mum fixes everything! However, now I have taken this huge step we are all much happier. I am not in such a rush out, I kick DD2 out at 08:15 - she meets friends on the way, they all wait outside the shut school gates together until school opens at 08:45 (no breakfast club).

• I thought school were being rubbish, it turns out that DD1 was giving her teachers a sob story about how I have to work so she has to collect DD2 from school (thereby gettin out of all afterschool detentions and getting out of homework). When she was late DD1 would say she had to drop DD2 off at school or that she had an appointment (if especially late). The school took DDs word on everything. Oh, this sob story also got her out of homework.

If you really get no joy from the school contact the Local Education Welfare Officer.

Apologies for any typos - the writing is too small on my phone!

YY to not being able to manhandle them out of the door! In desperation I have put bag, shoes, phone... Out of the front door and locked it behind her when DD1 has gone to retrieve it, but this is horrible to do.

Oh and we don't eat until 7.30-8pm even on the weekend. Not do either of my parents. Tea time is too early for a meal! Teenagers are able to make toast if they are hungry.

Can you employ someone for an hour or two a morning to get then up and out. The embarrassment of it may cure their tardiness very quickly!

Just to clarify, DD1 does not need to look after Dd2 at all. -Dd2 goes to after school club and walks herself home.

Velvet, I knew it would be you when I read the thread title, how weird.

How about, in an ideal world, begging negotiating with school, their tutors or someone, or if that fails, you really need to negotiate your hours of work, work at home for the first hour or just something. Surely they have some sort of family friendly policy? (Or am I deluded as you know the area I work in)?.

I do sympathise. And I certainly wouldn't fancy an altercation with two boys at the crack of dawn :(

Have a hug. And another one.

mrsrochester it's good to hear from someone who has been through something similar. DS1 also used to get out of detentions in the past with the excuse of picking up DS2. But he only collected him twice a week (and only then because DS2's primary said him walking home alone - in y5 and 6 - was a possible child protection issue!) and I made it clear to the school any detentions should be served on the other 3 days.

DS2 has gone to bed, in tears, without phone or tv. DS1 will be going shortly.

I like the idea of keeping their phones til morning. I've always let them have them as they use them as alarms - but given the alarms don't wake them I may as well not bother!

Thanks monty the hugs are much appreciated :)

The one thing I can't do is go in later - traffic is shockingly bad on the way in, I was leaving at 7.45 or even 8 and getting in on time in the summer, but have had to get earlier and earlier to make it by 9. I'm not even allowed a Blackberry or remote access let alone to work at home.

I have got 7 days annual leave before Xmas. So that's 7 days I can guarantee they'll be early for school!

I feel your pain Velvet, I really do.

I know money's tight, but could you organise them tea and toast in a caff nearby school or something? scraping the barrel.

Do you know other parents at the school? Surely school must have sympathy for working parents ok you say they don't but maybe if a bunch of you did something for early mornings. I'm racking my brains here, its terrible. HUG X

There's not really anything near school, they'd have to get the bus up to the High St. If they can be up and dressed when I go, I'd feel more certain of them going in. We'll see what happens tomorrow...

I don't know any of the parents - all my friends are mums I got to know when the boys were at primary school, but they're almost the only ones from there who went to this secondary. Tbh I barely know their friends any more, let alone the friends' parents.

Yes I can empathise with not knowing their friends or their parents. I'm afraid its going to be just setting down the rules that they are at the table by 7am and leave through the door with you :( x

Of all the things you can change or control in this situation, OP, the most obvious is bedtimes.

If your DC are struggling to get up in the morning they may well be sleep deprived.

To be honest 10pm still sounds a bit late.

We don't do - we've never done - bedroom routines or bedtimes. I'll see if it makes a difference to fix a bedtime, but certainly DS1 has never been much of a sleeper, he didn't sleep through the night at all til he was over 3, and still wakes regularly at night (although no longer wakes me up!). I'd struggle to impose a regular bedtime before 9.30, as DS2 has a sports class on Mon that he doesn't get home from til 9, and I don't get home til after 9 on a Weds. But we can try 9.30 for DS2 at least, and see how it goes.

With lots of late marks will your ds1 be able to get into his chosen course?

I think I'd be telling them that there will be no more tutor and they will have to have a live in nanny/au pair to dress them and walk them to school. I can't get my head around paying for extra tuition for a child who is too lazy to go to school.

Extra tuition has only started recently - and I'm paying because he needs to get A*s, and he simply won't get that from school alone, half the kids in top set with him are not even doing the highest papers. I can't afford to rely on the school, even if he hadn't missed a single day, or part of a day, to teach him to the level he needs to be at.

The one thing I won't do is remove the tutor. They'll lose other privileges, but not that. An au-pair isn't possible as we don't have room, so I'll have to stick to bedtimes and making sure they're up in the mornings.

To be fair Velvet, I think Lunar has a point. Ds wouldn't need tutoring if got himself out the door on time, into school as soon as the doors open and do some revision/homework or whatever.

I do feel your pain though. It ain't easy. :(

Could you pay someone sensible (may be a sixth former) to arrive as you leave at 7:30am and let off a klaxon at 5 min intervals supervise them getting to school. They would only be needed for an hour a day at the most, half an hour if your DSs buck up their ideas and get out of the house by 8am.

Tell them that it is the unfortunate consequence of their silly behaviour.

If it turns into a long term solution, threaten to sell the games consoles to pay for it.

If they behave like primary school children, then they will have to have a babysitter until they prove they are mature enough to do it themselves.