to be struggling to get my DSs to school on time?

[VelvetSpoon]

DS1 (yr11) didn't go to school again today. DS2 (yr8) went but was barely on time. They are late often, they had been doing better since half term, and hadn't been late at all. In the last week DS1 has been late twice, and today didn't go in at all.

I am struggling. They refuse to get up in the morning, and as I am out of the house before 7.30 I don't have time to spend ages waking them, but if I don't there's a risk they'll be late. Or I have to stay later and make myself late for work.

School aren't interested. With a A-C passrate below 40%, DS1 (who can get a C without working or revising) isn't a priority.

I have tried removal of xbox, it works temporarily but not beyond a day or two (even if its still confiscated then).

Am at my wits end really.

longjane that was fucking nasty.

Would you prefer the OP lost her job, defaulted on the mortgage, lost her house and ended up on benefits in a 1 bedroom flat?
Would that be putting her DCs first?

Honestly until you have a tiny idea of the ops situation, it is probably best to just shut up tbh

Velvet, you're doing a great job in a tough situation. I hope your boys realise this soon and start getting it together in the mornings.

longjane You're a lovely little ray of sunshine aren't you.

Velvet just a thought, and don't know if it's financially viable but would dropping them off for an hour at a childminders each day be an option? I know they're too old, but at least you'd know they were up and about.

Actually longjane not every parent manages it every day.

I also had to leave for work before my DCs. They had to get themselves to school on time and they did not do that.
They used to say they had to take ds2 to school which was a lie, I used to drop him at breakfast club on the way.

I told the school it was not true and that every time they were late, it was because they couldn't be bothered to leave on time. From then on, they were the same as everyone else, 3 late marks in 2 weeks equals a 2 hr detention on Friday.
They only had to do that once.

We don't have set bedtimes either. They do a lot of activities, we eat dinner quite late and at 14 and 15, they know if they are up all night they will be very tired the next day.

I hope it keeps improving OP, your eldest DS sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders and I really hope he gets into the sixth form of his choice. I kind of know how you feel, dd is applying to 2 grammars for year 12. It's hard going.

But, be proud of your DCs for putting in the effort. Be proud of yourself for raising hard working,decent children and for showing them that if you work hard, you can achieve.

You know what? Yes, it's not great that they are late. It's not great that they won't get up in the morning. But in the grand scheme of things, it's not the end of the world.
It's a problem that you have a solution, or many different solutions for. That's all.

(((Hugs)))

So now OP's dcs have drink and drug habits?

That's uncalled for longjane.

I just wanted to post in support. I too am stuck in a situation where the financial side of things post separation remain unresolved. It's so disempowering. And dealing with things like you are without a partner to bounce things off, or to offer you support - even just make you a cuppa or pour a glass of wine - is extremely hard. Unless you've been a lone parent, responsible for your children single handedly both financially and emotionally I don't think you can understand quite how difficult it is. I think you're doing an amazing job.

It sounds like you are hugely unhappy with the school..(which might well be awful)...but you cant expect your DS to have respect for the teachers/rules/ etc if its something you run down frequently yourself....if he doesnt get A*s it wont be entirely the teachers fault but also your sons for not engaging/attending on time.

If there is no way you can get more family friendly work that pays enough...or move closer to your work, or move somewhere where you could have a smaller mortgage and therefore earn less, then you are stuck. But if you can do any of these things I'm sure your sons would benefit hugely from more time with you.

I think taking phones away at night is a great idea, as well as formal bedtimes.

longjane I probably shouldn't bother engaging, suffice to say you are a nasty piece of work and you can't even get your facts straight. You misread posts, you're inarticulate and well, just plain nasty.

Ovenbun, you say if I really can't do any of these things...almost as though I am not doing enough to improve my own situation, which tbh is unfair.

Fwiw:
I have worked in my field for 17 years. My current role is the most family-friendly I have had, and with far shorter hours than I've been used to. I can't afford to work part time, because I have a mortgage and bills to pay from my salary alone. I earn a good wage, not a fortune but enough to live decently if not anywhere near lavishly.

I work approx 6 miles from home. Traffic is so bad at this time of year the journey takes over an hour a day, each way, sometimes up to 1.5 hours. Again, its much closer to home than I have worked previously, where my commute was always 1.5 hours each way or more. There is no possibility of a job in my field any closer to home. I can't work from home due to security/DPA issues, no-one in my office does.

The town where I work is hugely expensive. If (leaving aside the issues over ownership of my house) I could sell my house, I would at best be able to buy a 2 bed property in that town, possibly not even a house. My sons are used to their own bedrooms, a large house and garden. They would be miserable in a much smaller home. I would be no better off financially, indeed my mortgage would be bigger than it is now.

The other issue about moving to the town where I work is there's every chance I won't be working here in another year or 2 anyway, because that is the pattern my career has taken.

I already live in the cheapest part of my current town. The only way to reduce my mortgage/outgoings would be to move to a worse area, and a much smaller home, which again I know my DCs would hate.

I am sure my children would, if they had the choice, like me at home more; but unless my employers are prepared to pay me the same wage for less hours, or I have a win on the lottery, it simply isn't possible. That's the way it is. I wish I did have a partner who was around for them when I wasn't able to be, or who could relieve some of the financial burden, but I have been single for 6 years almost so it's unlikely. I just have to manage work the best I can, which is what I am doing.

IME getting more family friendly work is both a long-term strategy and also just a matter of luck. The law of sod dictates that just as you get the change to work from home you will also be waving your youngest off to Uni or something.

It's very unlikely I'd ever get the opportunity tbh, in my profession it's rarely an option, certainly I've never known directly of anyone doing a similar job who is allowed to work from home.

This is it VelvetSpoon, you are where you are. It is all very well saying move house or change job but the reality is that you cant give your son's their current lifestyle and at the same time be a SAHP.

I do think that you can talk with your eldest son about being a bit more grown up and taking responsibility for himself. It may also be worth talking to him about the reality of his prospects at his current work rate.

IMO schools dont always do students a favour by telling them they are capable of A/A*. I think it does no harm to tell able students who are coasting that their current work rate will result in a fail.

I wasn't trying to be unfair I do think your situation is an incredibly tough one, you know your sons best and you feel they would rather have a bigger house and more comfortable lifestyle while accepting this means less time with you. If that is the best situation for you as a family that's fair enough. A more family friendly role wouldn't necessarily mean working part time or from home, hopefully if your job moves within the next few years you will have an easier journey to work and less 12 hour days :)

Velvet if your work is only 6 miles away but talking 1 to 1.5h bu car have you thought about biking? Would probably take you 40 mins?

Might help you reclaim some time.