to be struggling to get my DSs to school on time?

[VelvetSpoon]

DS1 (yr11) didn't go to school again today. DS2 (yr8) went but was barely on time. They are late often, they had been doing better since half term, and hadn't been late at all. In the last week DS1 has been late twice, and today didn't go in at all.

I am struggling. They refuse to get up in the morning, and as I am out of the house before 7.30 I don't have time to spend ages waking them, but if I don't there's a risk they'll be late. Or I have to stay later and make myself late for work.

School aren't interested. With a A-C passrate below 40%, DS1 (who can get a C without working or revising) isn't a priority.

I have tried removal of xbox, it works temporarily but not beyond a day or two (even if its still confiscated then).

Am at my wits end really.

No electronics in the bedroom, in bedroom.by 9 (younger) and 10 (elder) on schoolnights. You wake tgem (rather than rely on phones) and they need to.be washed and dressed by the time you leave at 7.30.

The longer you wait to get tough, the harder it is.

Monty, I'm honestly sure he would still need it, because the school simply isn't teaching him to the right level. I only have to compare him to friend's DC's who are at grammar school to see what a massive gap there is (and he's still top of his class even having missed days/been late). Putting my trust in the school alone is too much of a risk, I made that mistake with the 11plus, and watched all his heavily tutored, less clever friends, pass when he didn't...

Bedtime routine which includes shower to relax, warm milk, banana and early bed. No computers, tv's or mobiles after 9pm.

I agree the tutoring is a must sadly. It's learning technique more then anything.

Take heart, and I'm sure you've bulldozed him with your concerns (or at least I did with my ds and it never worked). Some will do it in their own time, he'll be doing papers surely already for exams? And I'm sure you're monitoring the results (I couldn't even understand them because I'm old and not as bright as you, but I believe the exam papers have been simplified now).

Oh I don't know Velvet, I'd love to offer helpful advice but I failed with my ds, not for the want of trying.

Don't let them brow beat you though (as exhausting as it is) because they all discuss amongst themselves how to do that, and wear you down. And they love to treat you as though you're not intelligent enough to even understand what they're talking about (so they talk to you intelligibly, they have it all worked out).

hands rolling pin

Why have you not consider moving!

Your kids are in a shit school .

Your mortgage is huge !

You are barely at home! They could be doing anything.

Your kids should be coming 1st not your mortgage / job.

Op in your shoes i would either contact the EWO myself and get them to cone round and completely bollock the pair of them threatening court action against you.

Or i would lie to them and say you have been summonsed to court and fined a massive amount of money, have missed a mortgage payment and are at risk of losing the house so they have to start packing. I'd lay it on thick aswell to make them feel shit.

Theyre taking the piss really arent they? You need to play clever with this one.

I think Velvet has been brow beaten by the dcs, its all about commitment and guilt with a spoonful of clever dcs and nobody there to back her up. :(

Longjane, do sod off with your pious 'kids should come first' claptrap.

I happen to think the best example I can set for my children is working hard, in a career I studied hard for, and supporting myself. No benefits, no money from their father.

I can't move because the financials between my ex and I are unresolved, so the house can't be sold. I also wouldn't get enough back to buy a smaller property elsewhere without a larger mortgage than I have now. Houses near where I currently work are on average £100k dearer than where I live now. In the cheaper areas near work the schools are far worse.

Also, my place of employment is not secure. In the last 12 years I have worked in 5 different locations, all in opposite directions, and differing distances. Even if I could move closer now, next year if things change, I may end up working further away.

I'm a single parent. My family are dead. I don't have the luxury of a partner, parents, or siblings. I do the best I can, and that means working full-time.

Oh crossed post Velvet x

How on earth is risking her job or defaulting on the mortgage going to benefit her children longjane?

Nice one YBASB

Couldn't have put it better myself.

VelvetSpoon I totally understand where you are coming from regarding the school. Very similar here. I am guessing that your DCs dont have a discipline problem in the classroom so a bit of lateness probably seems very minor to the school.

I also understand about the no formal bedtimes. We dont and somehow my DCs have survived!

For your oldest how do you teach self-discipline? I'm not sure you can teach it though you can facilitate its learning.

First off, how much are you talking to your older DS about the future? I dont mean 'big chats' but an ongoing dialogue. Does he see the next step as a reality, something which he has to strive for? At the next stage he will be the one who has to put in the effort. The consequences of lateness will fall on him directly.

I think the mid-teen years are actually quite hard for a lot of boys. They are being expected to take responsibility in terms of getting to school, doing homework, behaving themselves. Yet, they often just dont seem quite up to the job yet. The 6th form stage is very difficult if they havent got their act together. I think it comes as a shock to many to discover that they have to sort themselves out, that no one comes chasing them if they are late or dont do work.

For your older son there has to be an acceptance by him and you that he is very close to being a grown-up. As a grown-up if you dont get up on time the consequences are generally slower to arrive but when they do they are far more draconian. I am not sure how much I would be punishing him. He isnt a little boy anymore. He is now at the age where being sorry or taking a punishment wont make it all better.

Talk to him about developing good work habits. Talk to him about long-term consequences. This is one good thing about a poor school, lots of very real life examples of what happens to the people who dont sort their lives out!

For your younger son, he is old enough for something like Army Cadets. This has been great for my DS (now 15) as they do place an awful lot of emphasis on self-reliance. Also, my experience is that they do just 'get' teenagers, especially boys. When my DS joined he wouldnt put his hand up for anything. Now he is going for promotion.

Your younger son can still benefit from 'Mum' discipline. Early bed times with lights out. Electronic devices off early. Are you monitoring homework? In year 8 I found it was very much like being a sports coach. Continuous low-level nagging coupled with riotous enthusiasm for minor achievements!

I know that this is all very hard. I work long hours so find that a lot of my parenting is done at weekends.

Sorry, that was a bit long-winded and rambly (the insomnia talking).

Chin up, I actually think you are doing a good job. That your DSs are going to school at all given that it would be all too easy for them not to bother does indicate that they actually do have a fair amount of self-discipline.

If your son is capable of getting an a/ A he will get one, particularly in sciences/maths. I think your chip on your shoulder re him not getting into grammar school has rubbed off on him & he thinks that school is unimportant! Bad state of mind - a clever kid WILL get A s regardless if they have the slef motivation - teachers love kids who want to learn! Honestly, if he wants dentistry he really needs to change his attitude fast. Our local school is lower than 40% but every year there are a *s/a's.

LaGuardia good job that's not the case in this situation then. The OP SAYS year 8, not 8 years old

OP, your answer is that you make sure both children are ready to walk out the door before you leave and tell them if they aren't able to do it you will wake them up 15mins earlier every time until they do have enough time to get ready. Also speak to their tutors and ask that they be warned that any further incidences of lateness will attract after school detentions.

Then stick with it and be consistent.

Oh course OP your kids don't need to putting there need 1st .

They are doing wonderful .

They can't cook for themselves .
They don't know about going to bed early.
They can't get up in morning.

You are doing a top class parenting job in showing them that going to work is the best thing a parent can do (to fund you kids drink or drug habit) .

Good suggestions from Worry. I would also enlist the school: ask them if they could put your dc on report and maybe give them detention.

At the same time see if there is someone who could inspire your ds1 a bit: try to see if there is a teacher your ds1 respects who could talk to him about what college is like.

My dd and her friends are doing their first year at college now. It is a big step up from GCSE's, particularly it seems for those doing sciences. Many who got A's in sciences are now getting D's and even U's in their coursework. If he is aiming for something like chemistry, he wants to hit the ground running. Don't forget that the grades he will be applying to university with will be the AS grades and the predicted grades: so basically the work he does next year and the impression he makes on the teachers then. It's time to get himself into gear now.

Dd missed a big chunk of Yr 11 due to ill health: she still got A's in her English GCSE's- and is finding that she gets C grades on her college essays. She is determined to work her way up to an A by the end of the year, but she knows there is no time to waste.

For your younger ds, it is probably more a case of starting to treat him a bit more like a child: bedtime routines, see if you can find somebody to come and chivy him off to school, close communication with school.

Longjane how about you fuck off?

DS1 can cook as I quite clearly said earlier. He is also very good and both reading and writing. Something you seem to struggle with given your poor spelling and grammar and your apparent inability to read my posts correctly. Maybe you should have worked harder at school?

Both DSs were up and dressed when I left at 7.30. I'm satisfied they will be at school on time. DS1 got up second time (which is a vast improvement), DS2 needed calling 4 times. I will be trying bedtimes again tonight.

Having spoken at length to a friend who is a teacher (private not state) I am convinced of the need for a tutor. Last year the best results in the school were 7 As (not A*s). That quite possibly won't be enough for grammar sixth form, hence the tutor.

Just to clear up the detention point, if they're late (and marked as late, which isn't every time) they get a 10 min detention. 3 times in a week and it's 30 mins.

Round of applause you managed to do what every other parent does every day.

Most parents don't have to manage without a partner or ANY family and being out of the house 12 hours a day, doing a high earning, stressful job. In fact, I don't know anyone who does. So your 'point' carries no weight whatsoever, and serves only to highlight your own ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

I won't be engaging with you further, as I prefer any verbal sparring to be with someone at my own intellectual level, it's not much of a challenge otherwise.