To not want my husband to go to the Wedding...

[Writerwannabe83]

I apologise if this is a little long - I don't want to drip feed

My husband's best friend is getting married next year and my husband is Best Man. As Sods Law would have it I fell pregnant earlier this year and my due date fell a week after the Wedding. I am classed as high risk pregnancy because of pre-existing health conditions I have. The Wedding Venue is 2 hours away from where we live and away from the hospital I'm due to give birth in - I have been sent to a certain hospital as they are better equipped to deal with the labour and my health complications. As a result I declined my invite to the Wedding as I didn't want to be so far away from the hospital so close to my due date plus I'd probably feel like cr*p and wouldn't want to be on my feet all day etc- the couple understood this perfectly and it wasn't a problem. It was agreed husband would still go due to his important role and the fact that hopefully I would not go into labour. He would not be drinking at the Wedding so that although it is a long distance away he would still be able to drive back to me if needed.

However, last week myself and the obstetrician came to the decision that due to my health I would have an planned c-section which they will do when I'm 39-39 weeks which as it turns out will be about 2-3 days before the wedding. She is not allowed to give me a definite date until I'm 36 weeks pregnant.

I obviously now don't want my husband to go to the Wedding - I know it is his best friend and he is Best Man but I am going to want him here with me. I envision struggling at first with a newborn and c-sec and don't want to be on the ward, in difficulties and having nobody to help. His parents have said they will come and sit with me but I don't want them, I want my husband. I'm not sure I want them sitting there watching me trying to breast feed or helping me to the toilet etc. There is also a good chance my health will deteriorate after the birth and I just need to know my husband will be there. I also gave the possibility of the scenario that if everything goes better than planned they may even discharge me on the day of the Wedding, and I want him to be the one to take his son home for the first time and be there on his son's first day at home, not his parents.

The official RSVP slips for the Wedding have to be in this Friday and my husband has still not come to a decision as to what to do. He has said that if he agrees to be Best Man and there is a problem following the c-sec then he just won't go to the Wedding as me and the baby will obviously be his priority but I said it would be selfish of him to just ring up the Groom the day before the Wedding and say, "I know I'm your Best Man, but sorry, I won't be coming" it would be so, so unfair to the couple. I actually think there would be a very good chance he won't actually be able to attend the Weeding so why not just accept that and allow the couple to have another Best Man that won't have to let them down on the day? I said the couple will paying for your suit, having all the seating plans made with your name on, keeping a seat for you on the top table, be expecting a speech etc - I said it just isn't fair to take all that away from them at the last minute, everyone deserves their wedding to go as perfectly as possible.

I think part of me is hurt that he hasn't just said flat out that he won't go. I don't understand why he can't see that he needs to be with me and the baby first and foremost. But at the same time, it is his really close friend, they have been friends since forever, he is so excited about being Best
Man and who is say I will actually need him there? I could be absolutely fine and be able to manage a day without him no problems.i would hate for him to miss out on the Wedding/Best Man experience if he didn't need to but I'm just trying to be realistic. I would never stop my husband doing anything and the decision has to be his but I just want him to see the potential realities and complexities of the situation.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to just pull out of the Wedding?

tough titty, really. You are his wife and should be more important than fancy dress with his mate. He can't have both, it is an unfortunate clash but that's real life. Perhaps he can still go if you haven't given birth by then, and perhaps he can go to the blokey piss up, but he can't be a crucial part of the event.

and yes, he needs to drop out NOW so they can make alternative plans.

I think he should accept the invitation but explain the circumstances so they know that he might not be around for the big day should you need him. That way it keeps everyone happy.

I'd be saying to him you really want him there at the birth, come what may.

He needs to have a discussion - not via RSVP slip, with the couple to say while he may be able to attend the wedding, but this could change due to the circumstances with the c-section. And while he is immensely flattered to have been asked, and under normal circumstances he would love to be Best Man, in this situation he can't commit to the role as he may have to let them down at short notice, so they may be better choosing someone else.

Honestly, I understand why, but I do think yabu. If you'll be in hospital, you'll have nurses, your parents will come, you'll have lots of help. If you had an older child your DH couldn't be there all day everyday. He can come and see you before the wedding, go and be best man, then see you in the evening, if he leaves early.
It's not like you'll be at home totally alone, you don't actually need him, you just want him. In reality you'll be gazing so much at your baby he might as well not be there.
Let it go. It's just one day. Their wedding is important too.

Yanbu, even if it had been a week around the birth he should have cancelled. His friend will just have to understand, this is way more important. I'm actually surprise that his friend hasn't even suggested that maybe he could find another person to stand in, knowing possibly your DH can't make it. Sorry op, I would be very hurt if my DH was doing this to me as well.

YANBU, he should decline not only because you will need him then but because he should be making pregnancy as stress free as possible for you right now.

DH needs to talk to his friend and explain the circumstances.

You won't have the date until nearer the time, and depending on the days your hospital does planned sections, it might prove to be 39+ and just after the wedding. But as you have pre-existing healthissues, so much could change between now and then. They might be able to live with uncertainty on numbers if it's only one person, and would appreciate the chance to start thinking about a fallback Best Man now.

I hope the rest of the pg goes well.

Hmmm...it is tricky. This is what I would suggest:

He tells the couple the possible complications. He may not be there (he could say it's 50:50) and everything will change last minute. He leaves it up to couple to decide whether they want a new best man, or want to keep him on.

I also think you need to be a bit more positive about the birth and more in control. You could request the section to be the right amount of time before the wedding (day before?) that you would definitely not be discharged (1 or 2 days will not make much difference) - or a date where you definitely would be discharged if there were no complications (eg. if there is a weekend in there, they probably don't do planned sections on the weekend). In this way, you can reduce the odds of something going wrong with him being able to make it.

I think you need to allow him to do this graciously, as they are both very important things. But if he can do both that will mean the world to him. He will be with you for a day or 2, and then 1 day off to go to the wedding and then back to you for another 10 days. You don't need someone to sit in the hospital with you permanently, trust me. If you feel self conscious breastfeeding you can ask his parents to leave for a little bit.

You come across as making this into more of a drama than it is. I don't know the potential complications of the birth on your health as you don't mention them but you don't need to be so dependent. Let your dh do what he can, and if he really CAN'T make it, then so be it.

Sounds like he wants to and will do the right thing by you and the baby.
But really wants to be Best Man for his oldest friend and see him get married (NU)

He's desperately hoping that it all falls into place and he can just about do both. You also sound like you want him to be able to both.

Draw up a time line of all possible dates you could be having the C-Section and then mark on the cut off dates which mean he'd miss the wedding because you're either going in, it's C-Day, post recovery.
Agree these together and then talk to the bride and groom, discuss whether they're happy for him to cancel on x date, y days before the wedding and take it from there.

Could you come to a compromise? He refuses the Best Man bit on the grounds that it would be unfair on you and the Groom but goes to the ceremony and possibly part of the evening do as a regular guest if (and only if) you are feeling ok. That way the couple can organise a best man who can commit 100% to the day, he still gets to see his best friend getting married and you will be able to have him with you. Does he actually realise that it's proper surgery you'll be having or has he minimised the whole thing in his own mind do you think?

I think although yanbu for not wanting him to go, ywbu if you stopped him from going. His parents have offered to be there for the day, you'll have extra hands if you need them, whilst it's not ideal his best mates wedding really is a one off and being asked to be best man is a big deal.

I agree with Peppi, as long as he is there for the birth I think it's ok to go to the wedding. You will still be in hospital and he will only be allowed in during visiting hours anyway. One day won't make a difference for him not to be there.

Of course he should be with you and the baby. If he can get to the wedding on the day well and good but he must not expect to be there.

He needs to explain the circumstances to the groom so that he can choose a new best man. Your DH can be up at the front next to the groom as BM2 if he can get there.

I don't think being a BM is that big a thing. However I am not very wedding minded so I am probably in a minority of 1.

"His parents have said they will come and sit with me"

They will only be allowed in during normal visiting hours, whereas your husband will be allowed in all day and only sent home at night.

They cannot substitute for him even if you wanted them to. Which you (understandably) don't.

If you've just had a section, particularly if your health is likely to deteriorate afterwards, you will NEED him to be there.

This issue with your health and the birth of your child comes way before his friend's wedding.

He's not being fair to anybody by trying to keep his options open here.

Thanks everybody for all your responses - they have all been very helpful and reasonable and the fact that different responses are coming froward shows how there just doesn't seem to be a right or wrong answer. Alter above mentioned that I don't need my husband there I just want him there....and maybe that's where the truth lies. I really do want him to be able to go to the Wedding, I know how much it means to him, so maybe I am being a LBU by making him pull out based on hypothetical situations. I think I'm also just worried about the couple' s wedding....my husband has said he will talk to them but I have my doubts as to how honest he will be with them in terms of potential likelihood of him pulling out - maybe I should go with him when he has the discussion. Admittedly I'm a little stressed during this pregnancy and worried about the birth and how I will be after it etc...maybe this issue is just providing me with a reason to be able to vent my frustrations/ stresses out some way.

All those saying she is NBU. Good luck on your second time around. I had twins and a c-section. 1 baby in SCBU. Dh was hardly in as a nearly 3-yr old ds1 could not sit still for hours in a hospital. I had a ball eating the hospital curries, watching TV and not having to clean or tidy anything for a week.

Yabu

He don't see why he shouldn't go, knowing the day for the cs is a good thing as you can plan for it in advance.

You will still be in hospital. He can come and see you before he leave for the wedding and then he can go for the rest if the day. I think it is a little unrealistic to expect partners to stay all day. I was only in for 2 days and 1 night and dp was only there for a few hours all up. The first day he was so tired after being up all the previpus night so he went home to sleep, popped in for a little bit in the evening and the second day he had some shopping/housework to do before coming to collect me.

I would have thought it fairly unusual for partners to be there most of the time.

Of course if you are very poorly he should cancel and definitely should be there with you if your discharged early as well. He can discuss this with the bride and groom so they are fully aware.

I just don't know - I keep bringing it up with my husband and I can see it is frustrating him - he just feels so torn. I just wish we had more time for him to come to the decision and we had a more definite scenario as to when the c-section will be etc, but we don't. All he can do is make the decision based on the limited information we have. It is just bothering me because I know how much the Wedding means to him (his best friend was best man at our wedding earlier this year) but I'm also thinking he should be with me. I suppose, realistically speaking I could manage without him for a day.

YANBU at all! I can see that he wants to be with his best friend, be best man etc but he really can't commit to it. When it comes to it he may well find that he doesn't actually want to leave you, he should explain that he can't commit to being best man and would hate to let them down at the last minute (which seems pretty likely) but he HOPES to be able to make it for at least the service. I'm sure his friends will understand if they are nice people! They may even tell him not to worry and that you + baby are more important.

And please don't arrange your c section around it - you need to follow the drs advice not social arrangements.

Maybe show him this thread?

How long is it till your due date?

Hope all goes well

Op it's totally understandable why you would want him around, nobody can substitutes for him. As important as his best friends wedding is, your baby takes priority. He should tell them your situation but make it clear that he's not committing to being the BM.

I think I will just tell him to go - worst case scenario I have his parents to help me to the toilet or I can just keep annoying the midwives with the call bell when I need assistance

If he does plan to go the bride and groom definitely need to be informed and need their own backup plan so there is no pressure from them if you do need dh to stay.

ladymont - I'm currently 23 weeks pregnant. I have had a horrid pregnancy so far and have been signed off sick for 13 weeks due to how the pregnancy has already affected my pre-existing conditions. I can hopefully go back in 2 weeks though, fingers crossed, just need the say-so from my Consultants.