To not want my husband to go to the Wedding...

[Writerwannabe83]

I apologise if this is a little long - I don't want to drip feed

My husband's best friend is getting married next year and my husband is Best Man. As Sods Law would have it I fell pregnant earlier this year and my due date fell a week after the Wedding. I am classed as high risk pregnancy because of pre-existing health conditions I have. The Wedding Venue is 2 hours away from where we live and away from the hospital I'm due to give birth in - I have been sent to a certain hospital as they are better equipped to deal with the labour and my health complications. As a result I declined my invite to the Wedding as I didn't want to be so far away from the hospital so close to my due date plus I'd probably feel like cr*p and wouldn't want to be on my feet all day etc- the couple understood this perfectly and it wasn't a problem. It was agreed husband would still go due to his important role and the fact that hopefully I would not go into labour. He would not be drinking at the Wedding so that although it is a long distance away he would still be able to drive back to me if needed.

However, last week myself and the obstetrician came to the decision that due to my health I would have an planned c-section which they will do when I'm 39-39 weeks which as it turns out will be about 2-3 days before the wedding. She is not allowed to give me a definite date until I'm 36 weeks pregnant.

I obviously now don't want my husband to go to the Wedding - I know it is his best friend and he is Best Man but I am going to want him here with me. I envision struggling at first with a newborn and c-sec and don't want to be on the ward, in difficulties and having nobody to help. His parents have said they will come and sit with me but I don't want them, I want my husband. I'm not sure I want them sitting there watching me trying to breast feed or helping me to the toilet etc. There is also a good chance my health will deteriorate after the birth and I just need to know my husband will be there. I also gave the possibility of the scenario that if everything goes better than planned they may even discharge me on the day of the Wedding, and I want him to be the one to take his son home for the first time and be there on his son's first day at home, not his parents.

The official RSVP slips for the Wedding have to be in this Friday and my husband has still not come to a decision as to what to do. He has said that if he agrees to be Best Man and there is a problem following the c-sec then he just won't go to the Wedding as me and the baby will obviously be his priority but I said it would be selfish of him to just ring up the Groom the day before the Wedding and say, "I know I'm your Best Man, but sorry, I won't be coming" it would be so, so unfair to the couple. I actually think there would be a very good chance he won't actually be able to attend the Weeding so why not just accept that and allow the couple to have another Best Man that won't have to let them down on the day? I said the couple will paying for your suit, having all the seating plans made with your name on, keeping a seat for you on the top table, be expecting a speech etc - I said it just isn't fair to take all that away from them at the last minute, everyone deserves their wedding to go as perfectly as possible.

I think part of me is hurt that he hasn't just said flat out that he won't go. I don't understand why he can't see that he needs to be with me and the baby first and foremost. But at the same time, it is his really close friend, they have been friends since forever, he is so excited about being Best
Man and who is say I will actually need him there? I could be absolutely fine and be able to manage a day without him no problems.i would hate for him to miss out on the Wedding/Best Man experience if he didn't need to but I'm just trying to be realistic. I would never stop my husband doing anything and the decision has to be his but I just want him to see the potential realities and complexities of the situation.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to just pull out of the Wedding?

Couple of things:
First baby, with a C-section and a difficult medical history. I highly doubt that you will be discharged until both you and your medical team are happy about that. Let's say you have a scheduled section at 9am on a Monday (as high risk patient you will be scheduled early in the day). I can't see you being discharged until Thursday morning at the earliest with your history. They will want to see breastfeeding well established if you want to feed yourself also.

In the event that you and the baby are doing well, and still in hospital, it is not ideal but not wholy unreasonable that your DH goes to the wedding. You will be fine in hospital and if you can't manage to go to the loo by yourself, you should be asking for assistance. If all appears well they will discharge you before you feel comfortable.

Your DH needs to do the right thing by his best friend and explain the whole situation. It is entirely their call whether to progress with such an unstable attendance scenario and very unfair of him not to allow himself to be replaced now.
There is nothing to stop him videoing his best mans speech / a speech which can be broadcast on the day if it becomes necessary. I have seen speeches delivered over Skype.

Best of luck but don't stress about it. It will all resolve itself and you do yourself no favours stressing about it while your DH works it through in his head.

He wouldn't definitely prioritise us phyllis - I have no doubt about that thankfully. I think that's why I might just tell him to go for it. We can't predict how things are going to be nearer the time, who knows, they may have to c-section me even earlier if my health status doesn't improve as much as they'd like. I just know how much it means to him to go to the Wedding/be Best Man and I would hate to take that away from him unless it was 100% necessary.

Your husband should not go to the wedding. I feel very strongly that you both need to decide that, once and for all. I know it's a shame that he won't be at his best friend's wedding, but I think you will feel much better when this is settled. You do need him to be with you and you must have priority, especially with your health issues. Being emotionally upset will have an adverse effect on you and this really is too important to waiver about. Get it decided that he's not going to the wedding. The bride and groom will understand and can find a replacement best man. The sooner this is done the better for everyone.

Thanks oscar - I respond well to voices of reason. I can be known to work myself up in unnecessary states sometimes. I think half my problem is that after being sat at home for the last 13 weeks whilst off sick, I am just so bored I think I'm looking for things to stress about. I know it will be ok in the end, I just need to calm down I think.

I usually come down on the "let him go" side on this type of thread, but having had a (unplanned, but straigtforward) c-section earlier ths year I would have hated it if my husband was away from me and the baby 2-3 days later. I have never felt so vulnerable, whilst I was getting more mobile by 3 days post section I was still in pain and needed help getting in and out of bed, getting in the shower etc. My baby was finding it difficult to latch so my husband spent lots of time helping me syringe colostrum, not something that I imagine many midwives would have time for, and certainly not something I would want my in-laws helping me with!
If this scenario arose during my next pregnancy I would have no hesitation in asking my husband to stay with me.

I hope that's a typo and you meant to say "he would definitely prioritise us"! Otherwise LTB!

He needs to explain to the groom that this is a high risk pregnancy and that you are most at risk after the birth. So the chances of him making it as best man are probably not great and can't be confirmed until much closer to the date. The groom can then make an informed decision and has time to find another best man or someone who will agree to be a stand-by in case your DH can't make it.

Thanks Superking - it helps to hear about others post c-sec experiences as it isn't something me or my husband really know anything about.

Above I accidentally wrote that my husband wouldnt prioritise me and the baby over the wedding, lol - but obviously I meant he would. I'm thinking I'm telling him that we should plan for him to go (if the couple are in agreement about the potential backing out scenario) but that if at any point during the days leading up to it, depending on how I am, If I ask him not to go, he must promise me that he won't.

YADNBU!!!!

I have been in your position - high risk pg (altho worries about baby rather than my health), DH best man in venue not close to home and C section.

In our case, the groom had two best men, and in the end my DH didn't go.

I think you and DH need to chat to the bride and groom and see what alternative arrangements could be made. You don't need to be stressing about this in addition to everything else. When the time comes I'm sure it'll be a fairly easy decision to make - either you'll be fine and indeed will spend the majority of time being in bliss with your new DC, or you'll need extra support and your DH probably won't want to leave you.

Perhaps the groom could have a stand in best man (or two best men). And/or DH could have an alternative arrangement up his sleeve - such as recording his speech and organising for it to be shown during the wedding?

Winter, have you considered that maybe your DH hasn't made a decision because he NEEDS to hear what you really feel? Maybe when you tell him how you feel, it will be a relief to him?

I had a planned c-section (well semi planned - I had a planned one booked then my waters broke but it happened in the morning so they just added me onto the planned list) and it went so smoothly it was unreal really.

My husband went to the match the next day at my insistence - I was happy there with my baby and a couple of family visitors. It was fine. And I knew the midwives were on hand if I needed help. To be honest I appreciated the time to chill out and I was so transfixed by the baby in the fish tank next to me. If your experience is like mine you won't mind him gone.

I think you're right to think that when it comes to it you are going to want your husband there.

It doesn't matter how lovely the hospital is or how wonderful the staff are, there is no substitute for sharing those first few days with the other parent.

I'm a fairly no nonsense kind of person and my baby days are a very long time ago, but I remember the week after my first child with a bit of dread. It was a time when you had to stay in hospital for 5 days and even visiting times for fathers were short and quite strict. It was horrible to be there by myself and the third day when the baby blues hit was probably the most miserable of my entire life. If my husband wasn't there when they finally let me go home I wouldn't have been responsible for my actions. I needed him and he couldn't be there!

I know that this isn't the same as your situation and that my experience does cloud my judgement a bit, but I think it is important to have him there if at all possible.

Even if your husband does decide to attend the wedding in some capacity, he definitely needs to let the bride and groom know what the situation is. If he doesn't tell them he may well feel obliged to go when he really doesn't want to. Babies have a habit of changing things.

UC - I do agree with you. It is like the elephant in the room at the moment. I don't think any of us, meaning, me, my husband, or the couple getting married want to say what we really feel as we don't want to offend someone else. My husband probably doesn't want them to think he doesn't want to be their best man, the couple getting married don't want my husband to think they don't want him because he can't be relied upon and I don't want to say anything because I don't want to pressure my husband. We are all probably inwardly stressing, having the exact same thoughts and feelings but just not willing to voice them out loud....

If you have other people about to help you then he could accept the invitation as a 'guest'. I think best man might be a stretch though.

Do you have parents, siblings or friends that would be happy to help out on the day? If you are still in hospital it may not make that much difference if he doesn't come for the day.

I have just text me husband and asked him to text his friend to see if we can go round tonight to discuss it. They don't know yet about the c-section plans etc so we need to go and just tell them exactly how things are.

I don't think yabu. I think you should leave it to dh to tell them though and stay out of that.

Writer it definitely sounds like you have too much time on your hands to think about this but you should just speak to your DH and discuss this fully with him. Explain about your epilepsy and your fears and im sure he will agree that he will have to rsvp with a 'maybe' and discuss the implications of this on being best man with his friend. Who in sure will completely understand.

If I could trust my husband to give them the 'reality' of it I would, but my guess is he'd give them the airy fairy, "I'm sure it will be fine and I'll be there" version so not really make them see there is a potential issue. I don't think he fully grasps just how complicated the birth and post birth days might be....

You're probably right JRmumma - I'm going to go and do the washing up to distract myself

I know what you are saying. Has your husband not been present when they have been discussing this at hospital? He needs to understand the situation fully himself by the sounds of it before he goes to speak to them. As other people have said you two need to have a frank conversation where you tell him exactly what you have told us.

Well done, writer. I'm sure that they will be able to come up with some back-up plans just in case, and will maybe help your dh see the seriousness too. I think sausagefortea's post was excellent.

Providing everything is fine, I still think you should let him go, as all those special bonding baby moments will be there - 1 day out won't make a lot of difference imo, whereas missing your 1 chance to be a best man is a part of your 'broader' life IYSWIM. As a Mum of more than one, I realise those initial days are very important but so is the rest of your life, your friendships, your marriage etc. I certainly lost some perspective over the first one, which is very natural. That's why the mumsnet community is so great, because there's people who have been through the same thing like sausagefortea, and people who have been there and done that and can say, "let him go and do this special thing too."

You need to bear in mind that you may get your C-section on the day of the wedding itself. They will give you a date as close to when it needs to be as possible but it wont necessarily be on the exact day you are 39 weeks. And if you are booked in for an elective but there is an emergency you will be bumped down the list, so even if you are booked for a certain date, there is no guarantee that you will get it.

For the sake of the couple he definitely shouldnt agree to be best man, but should say that he will go to the wedding if he can as long as they understand he may not be able to depending on when you have the baby.

bumblebee - I only got told last Wednesday that I would need the c-section. I was at my routine obstetrician appointment which I went to on my own because as far as I was aware both me and baby were perfectly well. I ended up being there for 2 hours once it was highlighted the stability of both my health conditions had deteriorated and it came as quite a shock to me. Me and my husband had received pre-conception counselling from both my Cardiologist and Neurologist in order for them to make us aware of the risks I'd be taking with my health but up until last Wednesday we both genuinely thought the pregnancy was going fine. I'm next seeing my Obstetrician in 5 weeks and my husband is coming with me to that appointment.

OP, you poor thing, I feel really sorry for you. I think that you really want your OH with you and the baby but feel guilty about asking him to put you first when you know how much he wants to be at the wedding.

Could you have a chat with your GP or other medical advisor. Explain your worries regarding your health, epilepsy and the birth and how torn your husband is between being with you and being at the wedding. If it would help you, I have no doubt that they will tell your husband that he should be with you around the time of the birth. It might help you to not be the one who tells him he can't go to the wedding and it might also help with regard to telling the couple getting married if you can say that you are acting on medical advice.

If there is a risk that your epilepsy might recur after the birth, you must surely have your OH there, even if in hospital? If you are not able to care for your new baby temporarily then won't your husband want to be the one to cuddle him/her?

I really don't think that the couple getting married will expect your OH to come to the wedding given the circumstances. If it were me I would feel very uncomfortable having him at my wedding in the circumstances. Is there any chance of you explaining the situation to your friends before the big chat. It might be easier if your friends say to your OH, "Of course you can't be BM, we wouldn't think of asking you to do it in the circumstances, of course you must put Writer and the baby first." and effectively taking the decision out of his hands.

Do you have other people about to support you. If my DH was away shortly after I gave birth my patents would be happy to step in and help me so I wouldn't be too worried.

My DH travelled overseas when my third baby was 7 days old. Admittedly, it was a straightforward birth and I felt more experienced than with my earlier babies. My Mum stayed with me and it was absolutely fine. It depends on your relationship with your wider support circle.

It's very different in your circumstances but it may be that it won't make any practical difference if he is there or not.

Think your dh should decline BM duties but still plan to go assuming that you and your DC are well. He needs not explain the circumstances to his mate though.