Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to go to the Wedding...

146 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 26/11/2013 10:26

I apologise if this is a little long - I don't want to drip feed Smile

My husband's best friend is getting married next year and my husband is Best Man. As Sods Law would have it I fell pregnant earlier this year and my due date fell a week after the Wedding. I am classed as high risk pregnancy because of pre-existing health conditions I have. The Wedding Venue is 2 hours away from where we live and away from the hospital I'm due to give birth in - I have been sent to a certain hospital as they are better equipped to deal with the labour and my health complications. As a result I declined my invite to the Wedding as I didn't want to be so far away from the hospital so close to my due date plus I'd probably feel like cr*p and wouldn't want to be on my feet all day etc- the couple understood this perfectly and it wasn't a problem. It was agreed husband would still go due to his important role and the fact that hopefully I would not go into labour. He would not be drinking at the Wedding so that although it is a long distance away he would still be able to drive back to me if needed.

However, last week myself and the obstetrician came to the decision that due to my health I would have an planned c-section which they will do when I'm 39-39 weeks which as it turns out will be about 2-3 days before the wedding. She is not allowed to give me a definite date until I'm 36 weeks pregnant.

I obviously now don't want my husband to go to the Wedding - I know it is his best friend and he is Best Man but I am going to want him here with me. I envision struggling at first with a newborn and c-sec and don't want to be on the ward, in difficulties and having nobody to help. His parents have said they will come and sit with me but I don't want them, I want my husband. I'm not sure I want them sitting there watching me trying to breast feed or helping me to the toilet etc. There is also a good chance my health will deteriorate after the birth and I just need to know my husband will be there. I also gave the possibility of the scenario that if everything goes better than planned they may even discharge me on the day of the Wedding, and I want him to be the one to take his son home for the first time and be there on his son's first day at home, not his parents.

The official RSVP slips for the Wedding have to be in this Friday and my husband has still not come to a decision as to what to do. He has said that if he agrees to be Best Man and there is a problem following the c-sec then he just won't go to the Wedding as me and the baby will obviously be his priority but I said it would be selfish of him to just ring up the Groom the day before the Wedding and say, "I know I'm your Best Man, but sorry, I won't be coming" it would be so, so unfair to the couple. I actually think there would be a very good chance he won't actually be able to attend the Weeding so why not just accept that and allow the couple to have another Best Man that won't have to let them down on the day? I said the couple will paying for your suit, having all the seating plans made with your name on, keeping a seat for you on the top table, be expecting a speech etc - I said it just isn't fair to take all that away from them at the last minute, everyone deserves their wedding to go as perfectly as possible.

I think part of me is hurt that he hasn't just said flat out that he won't go. I don't understand why he can't see that he needs to be with me and the baby first and foremost. But at the same time, it is his really close friend, they have been friends since forever, he is so excited about being Best
Man and who is say I will actually need him there? I could be absolutely fine and be able to manage a day without him no problems.i would hate for him to miss out on the Wedding/Best Man experience if he didn't need to but I'm just trying to be realistic. I would never stop my husband doing anything and the decision has to be his but I just want him to see the potential realities and complexities of the situation.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to just pull out of the Wedding?

OP posts:
longtallsally2 · 26/11/2013 11:16

But tell him that you do understand how he is torn. It's lovely that he has a friend so close, and wants to be there for him - but you and the baby may need to call on him on this occasion too.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 26/11/2013 11:19

One of my health problems is that I have epilepsy (the other one is that I have an issue with my heart which is why they are doing the c-section. My obstetrician and Specialist Epilepsy Nurse has said that the time I'm most at risk of seizures is following the birth due to the huge change in hormone levels, the stress on the body and lack of sleep. I'm very nervous about this as my epilepsy has been controlled for a very long time (though slightly unstable at the moment because of the pregnancy hence why I'm off sick) and I'm petrified I'm going to start having seizures again - and if it does happen I want to know my husband is there to look after me and make sure our baby is ok Sad

OP posts:
Lambzig · 26/11/2013 11:22

To be honest, I would be surprised if he wants to go. I had a CS with my first and DH was finally kicked out of the hospital at 11pm. He slept in the car round the corner as he couldn't bear to go home without us.

You could see when the actual date is - but I don't think he will want to go when it comes to it.

Famzilla · 26/11/2013 11:23

Ah it's completely understandable why you'd want your husband there but I think you're worrying unnecessarily about the hospital scenario. Unless you're going to an appalling unit.

From my personal experience (emergency caesarean) the midwives & HCA's were absolutely amazing. They didn't remove my catheter until I was ready, helped me to the loo or to have a wash whenever needed, helped me with establishing breastfeeding, took DD if I needed to rest and most importantly didn't discharge me until I felt ready . In fact, after day 5 I was the one hassling them to let me go!

I think your DH should just tell them the truth, that he wants to be best man but it will depend on how your pregnancy progresses and if they need a definite yes or no by Friday then it will have to be no? As you said yourself, they're understanding people.

Anything could happen, you could end up giving birth a couple of weeks early, your section could be booked the day after the wedding. You just don't know yet. But IMO there is no point worrying about things that may or may not happen yet, you'll have a lifetime of this with your little baby arrives!

Jengnr · 26/11/2013 11:23

If it was me I'd tell him to go but with the proviso that if the c-section happened to be the wedding day he'd have to pull out.

And if you get any input on days book the section before the date so your in hospital whilst he's there.

Lambzig · 26/11/2013 11:23

Just read you latest - then it's ridiculous, of course he can't go.

Jengnr · 26/11/2013 11:24

*you're

probablyhadenough · 26/11/2013 11:25

OP - having just read the medical details I am even more sure he shouldn't go! Of course, he should be with you. It is a wedding ffs - one husband with you, many many guests with the bride and groom who will have a fantastic day whatever. Your dh (and you too) can celebrate with them another time. This is a no brainer for me

somersethouse · 26/11/2013 11:25

I don't mean to be unkind ladym, I had to crack on with it as had a DH suffering with chemo at the time. I also gave birth in a foreign country with no friends and family. I was anxious, of course I was. I made it my business to be strong and have a happy attitude, and I was, and did, both things! For 12 months, mind you, not 12 hours.

I think OP is BU, I am answering with my opinión. I am not being unkind.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 26/11/2013 11:26

I am sitting here quite tearful just thinking about it. I don't want to stop my husband from going to the Wedding but I know that after the birth I'm going to feel vulnerable, scared and probably overwhelmed. I just want to know he will be there Sad

OP posts:
Famzilla · 26/11/2013 11:28

Ah x post.

Well if you feel the maternity unit won't have the provisions in place to deal with your epilepsy and keep your baby safe then he obviously must stay with you.

somersethouse · 26/11/2013 11:29

Right, just read the drip feeding re health issues.

Then tell your DH not to go to the wedding OP, that is what you want to hear, so just do it!

He will understand, as will bride and groom. I don't know why you are asking really.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 26/11/2013 11:30

The hospital I'm at is fantastic, I haven't got a bad word to say about it or the team of people looking after me. My Obstetrician is absolutely wonderful, so thorough and reassuring and I have complete faith in them when it comes to dealing with my health etc and I know me and baby will be in the best possible hands - but that doesn't mean I don't want my husband with me if things start going wrong touching every bit of wood that they wont

OP posts:
HaPPy8 · 26/11/2013 11:34

I think YABU. It is one day and you have alternative help around. I can understand why you are apprehensive but I think it would be unfair to stop him going.

SpockSmashesScissors · 26/11/2013 11:35

He's not going to be able to go, I think when it comes to it he's not going to want to go. This is crazy, draw a line under it, tell them he can't make it, life gets in the way sometimes.

You need him there, he will want to be with his wife and new baby, a first baby is a big, big deal, he is underestimating how much this is going to hit both of you, it feels like the world has stopped and for the first few days nothing else really matters, yes things are a bit different with 2nd and 3rd babies.

As for the people suggesting the C-section date is arranged around a wedding, you don't always get a choice, baby and mum's health comes way before a wedding.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 26/11/2013 11:36

It's just Sod's Law that the two events completely clash. I blame the doctor who told us it would take about 6 months to conceive....when in reality it didn't even take 6 weeks! I was dreading telling the couple we were pregnant because of the bad timing Smile

It will be ok though - I just need to breathe and not get over stressed by it. Whoever suggested above about asking for a cut off date about the last minute changes to guest lists etc, that's a good idea and one I hadn't thought of actually. It would really, really help just having that bit of leeway. This Wedding is probably the only chance my husband will have to ever be a Best Man which is why it is so important to him, I would love to find a solution where he can do it. I suppose I could ask the Obstetrician if she would do the c-sec at 38 weeks instead - I don't know how open they are to requests like this though?

OP posts:
Mckayz · 26/11/2013 11:38

I'd ask him to have a chat with his friend and tell him that if you've had the baby or the CS is that day he will have to stay with you. But if you've not had CS yet he can go but might have to rush off if you go into labour.

DH wasn't at the birth of our DD as he was at work. But it was a home birth and no other factors. It was fine.

Fingers crossed that everything works out well and that you don't have any problems after the birth.

goshhhhhh · 26/11/2013 11:38

Could there be a compromise? He goes for the service & does a clean & heartfelt best man speech as part of that.He can then be there for his friend and not be away from you so long?

BoffinMum · 26/11/2013 11:38

Why on earth would he even want to leave you? It's only a wedding, he's not off to fight for his country or save the planet.

MissBattleaxe · 26/11/2013 11:40

Friend's wedding-vs- wife with health issue having C-section.

it's a no brainer.

I can't believe he's even considering going to the bloody wedding. Someone's else's wedding is not more important than his child being born and his wife's health and wellbeing.

cathpip · 26/11/2013 11:43

Our best man did not attend our wedding for exactly the same reason as you, at least he told us straight away why he could not be there, as my dh says its a shame they both missed our wedding and that best man was unable to come by himself but his wife and child needed him and it was far more important.

longjane · 26/11/2013 11:44

Has your husband ever seen you fitting?

I would ring the bride and groom and tell them what you said here.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 26/11/2013 11:54

longjane- no he hasn't. I have been seizure free for over 7 years so he has never known me to have seizures or a life that is affected by them. By the time we met I was living a 'normal' life, driving etc so I think he just sees it as a 'word' as opposed to a very scary reality that my life could be thrown back into all that. I'm petrified it is going to happen. I'm also dependent on my car for my job (I'm a community nurse) so if my seizures returned I'd lose my licence and not sure where they would leave me job wise. I have all these things going around in my head, between my epilepsy and my heart I have put myself at quite some risk by having the baby (which I don't begrudge) and part of me feels like I'm the one having to make sacrifices to my health which could potentially end my career whilst he gets to carry on without any worries. Maybe I'm just hormonal. I just know that if I have a seizure after the birth I'm going to be heartbroken, like the last 7 years of my life have been tossed aside, and all I'm going to want is a big hug and some support from my husband. Maybe that sound selfish. I guess that's the problem with hidden and controlled disabilities, it can be very easy to act as though they aren't there until they suddenly decide to show up again.....

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 26/11/2013 11:57

I'm just going to have to talk to my husband tonight - I haven't really been open with him about my feelings because I don't want him to feel pressured into making his decision, but he does need to know what my worries are too. I just know I'm going to feel so guilty about him not being Best man if that's the decision that is made. I really, really hope his friends say that he can keep his post, they will also get a stand in, and that if my husband can't make it on the day then it isn't a problem. That would be the perfect scenario.

OP posts:
FairPhyllis · 26/11/2013 12:01

If you're certain he'll prioritise you if the c-section happens on or just before the wedding date, I would tell him to talk to the groom and let him know exactly what the situation is, and ask the groom if he is comfortable with him being best man on the understanding he might have to pull out at the last moment. If groom is not OK with that, he declines to be best man and goes as an ordinary guest if your situation allows it.

However, if you're not certain he'll prioritise you when push comes to shove - apart from the fact that that would indicate a bigger problem with the relationship - I would ask him to decline now so that you don't spend the rest of the pregnancy being anxious about this.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and the birth.