To not want my husband to go to the Wedding...

[Writerwannabe83]

I apologise if this is a little long - I don't want to drip feed

My husband's best friend is getting married next year and my husband is Best Man. As Sods Law would have it I fell pregnant earlier this year and my due date fell a week after the Wedding. I am classed as high risk pregnancy because of pre-existing health conditions I have. The Wedding Venue is 2 hours away from where we live and away from the hospital I'm due to give birth in - I have been sent to a certain hospital as they are better equipped to deal with the labour and my health complications. As a result I declined my invite to the Wedding as I didn't want to be so far away from the hospital so close to my due date plus I'd probably feel like cr*p and wouldn't want to be on my feet all day etc- the couple understood this perfectly and it wasn't a problem. It was agreed husband would still go due to his important role and the fact that hopefully I would not go into labour. He would not be drinking at the Wedding so that although it is a long distance away he would still be able to drive back to me if needed.

However, last week myself and the obstetrician came to the decision that due to my health I would have an planned c-section which they will do when I'm 39-39 weeks which as it turns out will be about 2-3 days before the wedding. She is not allowed to give me a definite date until I'm 36 weeks pregnant.

I obviously now don't want my husband to go to the Wedding - I know it is his best friend and he is Best Man but I am going to want him here with me. I envision struggling at first with a newborn and c-sec and don't want to be on the ward, in difficulties and having nobody to help. His parents have said they will come and sit with me but I don't want them, I want my husband. I'm not sure I want them sitting there watching me trying to breast feed or helping me to the toilet etc. There is also a good chance my health will deteriorate after the birth and I just need to know my husband will be there. I also gave the possibility of the scenario that if everything goes better than planned they may even discharge me on the day of the Wedding, and I want him to be the one to take his son home for the first time and be there on his son's first day at home, not his parents.

The official RSVP slips for the Wedding have to be in this Friday and my husband has still not come to a decision as to what to do. He has said that if he agrees to be Best Man and there is a problem following the c-sec then he just won't go to the Wedding as me and the baby will obviously be his priority but I said it would be selfish of him to just ring up the Groom the day before the Wedding and say, "I know I'm your Best Man, but sorry, I won't be coming" it would be so, so unfair to the couple. I actually think there would be a very good chance he won't actually be able to attend the Weeding so why not just accept that and allow the couple to have another Best Man that won't have to let them down on the day? I said the couple will paying for your suit, having all the seating plans made with your name on, keeping a seat for you on the top table, be expecting a speech etc - I said it just isn't fair to take all that away from them at the last minute, everyone deserves their wedding to go as perfectly as possible.

I think part of me is hurt that he hasn't just said flat out that he won't go. I don't understand why he can't see that he needs to be with me and the baby first and foremost. But at the same time, it is his really close friend, they have been friends since forever, he is so excited about being Best
Man and who is say I will actually need him there? I could be absolutely fine and be able to manage a day without him no problems.i would hate for him to miss out on the Wedding/Best Man experience if he didn't need to but I'm just trying to be realistic. I would never stop my husband doing anything and the decision has to be his but I just want him to see the potential realities and complexities of the situation.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to just pull out of the Wedding?

I am glad you've found a solution.

As someone who has been through high risk pregnancies. & had 2 c-sections, I can really sympathise. Like you OP, I had extremely good ante-natal care & was monitored very closely by a great hospital team.

I had a c-section booked for 39 weeks ( this is the optimal time in terms of lung development for babies). Then it all went pear-shaped & I ended up having an EMCS just short of 36 weeks.

There was none of the "lovely midwives attending to your every need" lark! I was discharged 48 hours later & it was a real struggle physically. If my DP hadn't been siting it would have been unimaginably awful.

I'd be surprised if your consultant agreed to a c-section for essentially social reasons. IME, it will be dictated to you dependant on theatre time slots, consultants list, clinical need etc.

We went to a wedding this summer with 2 best men as the wife of one of them was very pregnant. In fact, during the post-rehearsal curry the night before he had a call to go home because it was all happening. The bridesmaids spent the reception carrying round an A4 picture of the missing best man attached to a stick, so he was still part of the wedding. (And it was a false alarm - the baby didn't come for another week!)

"when see my obstetrician in January we can ask for it to be done at 38 weeks instead of 39."

You can ask, but I can pretty much guarantee that they won't agree to that so that your husband can go to a wedding.

The reason they have moved the standard date for a CS from 38 to 39 weeks is because of better outcomes for the baby, so I doubt they will be too impressed with being asked to schedule an important medical procedure for you that has risks for your baby to accommodate a social occasion for an third party,

Glad there's a solution, I think you're doing the right thing for your dh. A little compromise from both parties, sounds like you have a nice friendship.

join - I will see if they'll delay it until after the wedding then, lol All she can do is say no and there is no harm in asking I'm 39 weeks on a Friday so she might be happy to delay it until the Monday? Possibly not but it's the best hope we've got so far.....

It's just a day. Let him go..you will be fine, get your mum to come fir the day to help out.

Glad you're getting sorted OP.

One thing I would say, if you do have your baby before the wedding and your DH goes, arrange for someone to come over for the day.

My second CS was fine, like a whippet up the stairs a few days later. My first took much longer recovery and I wouldn't have been able to carry the baby about for at least 2 weeks afterwards.

When I had my C-sections I was pretty much able to stay as long as I wanted in the hospital afterwards - there was no pressure to leave. In your situation I would rather be in hospital while my DH was 2 hours away at a wedding (in case of seizure etc) so probably a section a day or two before would be best in an ideal world. Get your own room if poss (so worth the extra money) and you'll have people checking on you and help

Help

Bloody iPhone! Wanted to say: helping you with everything! Much better than being home alone - especially as it's likely to be a late night for your DH.

I had a very complicated emcs for DC2 and could walk, shower and go to the toilet by myself after 24 hours. I was by myself as DH was working away (premature, born away from home town and v. Unexpected) and he couldn't get back.

I do think the wedding of his best friend is important and saying you never get the early days back is a bit over dramatic for a day away! I enjoyed having time with just me and the baby, it was special- you might even enjoy it!

Obviously if things don't go according to plan he should make the couple aware he will have to leave and I'm sure they will understand. My bridesmaid and oldest friend cane to my wedding only for a few hours as she had a newborn- I just appreciated the effort!!

I'm usually in the let him go camp but i really don't think you're being unreasonable
Posters have said many women give birth alone etc BUT you don't NEED to be on your own so why should you?

I had DS by emcs at 9.20pm. DP was shown the door at 11 and i felt so lonely - i was desperate for him to come back. DS was in scbu and the nurses were too busy to take me to see him. I really did need him there and I'm usually fiercely independent.

Why should the op sit by herself and struggle to pick up the baby when she doesn't need to? Why should she see other partners there but sit alone?

I remember how overwhelming everything was and wouldn't want to do long stints alone if i didn't need to.

Right so you dh has no idea what you are like when you fit!

So I think a visit to parents should take place so they can tell him what you are like when you fit . What the signs are and what you do.

I think it also needs to be made clear to both of you that you cannot be left alone with the baby until they are 100% certain you are not going to
Fit again.

I can see from your posts how worried you are about everything but I am a little shocked that you would consider depriving your baby of an extra weeks growth and development in the womb so that your husband can go to a wedding?! Best Man or not that seems like a bizarre choice to me.

I think YABU to be honest. I had a c-section a few months ago and DH wasn't even allowed stay with me all day (and mine was a multiple pregnancy). If anything, you'll be safer in hospital surrounded by medics at the touch of a button - you're putting him in an awful position and I think it's unfair. He's hardly likely to go and get plastered anyway, and lord knows when he'll have another night out. Plus, he'll owe you one big time. Concentrate on having a relaxing stress-free pregnancy and don't be obsessing over something that's ages away.

Hang on, did you just suggest asking to have your baby a week early so your husband can't go somewhere without you??!!!

OP has a pre-existing medical condition which is associated with a higher risk of preterm delivery or prematurity. A C-sec before 39 weeks is quite a likely scenario for her.

I'd go for an ostrich approach here. Talk to the B&G about the uncertainties of the situation; see if you can park the whole issue until you are about 36 weeks.

Madmammy - no, a week early so my husband can go somewhere. I.e he can be there for the birth and the important few days after but still be able to go to the Wedding and be Best Man too. But as join has already said it's unlikely they will anyway. I might just ask them to do it closer to 40 weeks but I don't know how close they let women go to carrying full term as I don't know if they wouldn't want to risk natural labour starting?

meditrina - has the best point that in all reality improbably going to have the baby earlier anyway. They had to start me on Beta Blockers 10 days ago to address my heart issues and the drugs are well known for their risk of reducing foetal growth. I'm booked to have 4 weekly scans now to monitor this but they have said in some situations if the baby's growth starts to decline they will do a c-section as early as 34 weeks.

Molly - I was planning on asking if I could have a private room (and would pay for one) but I'm not sure if they would be happy for me to have one as obviously I did start having a seizure there would be nobody there to witness it which could potentially be dangerous. At least if I was on an open ward somebody would notice (staff or patients) and get help. It's just another thing on my list of questions to ask

longjane - despite having had active epilepsy for 7 years, my sister and my dad are the only family members to have ever seen me have a seizure. My mom wouldn't have a clue I always tended to have them when out and about with friends, in college, in Uni, in McDonalds....

Me and husband have both woke up feeling a lot better about it all this morning. At the end of the day we can worry and ponder about it every day if we choose to but the reality is that we don't really have any control over it. What will be, will be. The baby will come when it does and we will only know how I will be afterwards - if he can get to the wedding then great, but if not, then so be it. In the grand scheme of things I think we have bigger things to worry about

Well get you friends sister and dad to tell him the signs then.

He does need to know if only so midwife know what you used to do and if it changes.

Because as you know there are loads of different types of fits and if you have need seen one before . You won't know what to do. And could panic and endanger your life.

I was talking to someone who had been trained in 1st aid the other day because his work mate had had a fit and he did not the know the five min rule . This fit was not a fall on the ground shaking type so it was not obviously a fit so took a little wide to work out what it was. (It was not his 1st fit he normally had them at night.)
midwife won't always know the signs so dh needs to tell them and spot the signs himself.

Well done OP - sounds like some good communication has really helped. Glad you both feel better.

Just one thing though: There's just this sense of dread that someone out of the 3 parties is going to end up disappointed and I'm pretty sure it will be my husband. It may seem like that now, but after a stressful end of pregnancy (as with most, even with no complications), witnessing the CS, dealing with all the emotion of meeting the new baby, feeling protective and loving towards you - I can almost guarantee that whether or not he gets to the wedding will pale into insignificance. Disappointment will be the last thing on his mind as he deals with the maelstrom of the newborn phase. It is so hard to convey without sounding patronising, but all pre-baby concerns and priorities suddenly seem a bit daft - well they did for me and my dh anyway....

Probablyhadenough has hit the nail on the head - the wedding will pale into insignificance but you can't know how you will both feel until the time comes.

I think you are right to park the whole issue. Make sure the bride and groom know he may have to cancel at short notice/only go for a little bit etc etc and then stop worrying about it. Anything could happen, which is why they won't even talk about dates for c-section until 36 weeks. You might have even already had the baby by then.

Just concentrate on getting through the rest of your pregnancy.

Good luck!