To not want my husband to go to the Wedding...

[Writerwannabe83]

I apologise if this is a little long - I don't want to drip feed

My husband's best friend is getting married next year and my husband is Best Man. As Sods Law would have it I fell pregnant earlier this year and my due date fell a week after the Wedding. I am classed as high risk pregnancy because of pre-existing health conditions I have. The Wedding Venue is 2 hours away from where we live and away from the hospital I'm due to give birth in - I have been sent to a certain hospital as they are better equipped to deal with the labour and my health complications. As a result I declined my invite to the Wedding as I didn't want to be so far away from the hospital so close to my due date plus I'd probably feel like cr*p and wouldn't want to be on my feet all day etc- the couple understood this perfectly and it wasn't a problem. It was agreed husband would still go due to his important role and the fact that hopefully I would not go into labour. He would not be drinking at the Wedding so that although it is a long distance away he would still be able to drive back to me if needed.

However, last week myself and the obstetrician came to the decision that due to my health I would have an planned c-section which they will do when I'm 39-39 weeks which as it turns out will be about 2-3 days before the wedding. She is not allowed to give me a definite date until I'm 36 weeks pregnant.

I obviously now don't want my husband to go to the Wedding - I know it is his best friend and he is Best Man but I am going to want him here with me. I envision struggling at first with a newborn and c-sec and don't want to be on the ward, in difficulties and having nobody to help. His parents have said they will come and sit with me but I don't want them, I want my husband. I'm not sure I want them sitting there watching me trying to breast feed or helping me to the toilet etc. There is also a good chance my health will deteriorate after the birth and I just need to know my husband will be there. I also gave the possibility of the scenario that if everything goes better than planned they may even discharge me on the day of the Wedding, and I want him to be the one to take his son home for the first time and be there on his son's first day at home, not his parents.

The official RSVP slips for the Wedding have to be in this Friday and my husband has still not come to a decision as to what to do. He has said that if he agrees to be Best Man and there is a problem following the c-sec then he just won't go to the Wedding as me and the baby will obviously be his priority but I said it would be selfish of him to just ring up the Groom the day before the Wedding and say, "I know I'm your Best Man, but sorry, I won't be coming" it would be so, so unfair to the couple. I actually think there would be a very good chance he won't actually be able to attend the Weeding so why not just accept that and allow the couple to have another Best Man that won't have to let them down on the day? I said the couple will paying for your suit, having all the seating plans made with your name on, keeping a seat for you on the top table, be expecting a speech etc - I said it just isn't fair to take all that away from them at the last minute, everyone deserves their wedding to go as perfectly as possible.

I think part of me is hurt that he hasn't just said flat out that he won't go. I don't understand why he can't see that he needs to be with me and the baby first and foremost. But at the same time, it is his really close friend, they have been friends since forever, he is so excited about being Best
Man and who is say I will actually need him there? I could be absolutely fine and be able to manage a day without him no problems.i would hate for him to miss out on the Wedding/Best Man experience if he didn't need to but I'm just trying to be realistic. I would never stop my husband doing anything and the decision has to be his but I just want him to see the potential realities and complexities of the situation.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to just pull out of the Wedding?

Yeah ok Merry I've had two! but thanks.

Do you not remember having your first? It's quite a big deal and especially if op is ill and worried. I needed my dh during my labour and days after first baby was born, the op's dh will never get that time back looking after his dw and pfb and it is mentally a very important time to make those relationships stable. I remember how it felt like my life and body had changed irreparably after dc1, support was what I needed and I think what every brand new mother needs especially from the other parent.

I agree when it came to number 2 I would happily have stayed in for a few days watching some films and resting but don't forget how it felt the first time or try to take that experience from someone.

I can completely understand why you wouldn't want your in-laws there instead of your dh.

If your dh needed to be in hospital for any reason, would he really be comfortable with the idea of your mother helping him to go to the toilet and any other personal care requirements?

I think your dh's friend and fiancee would probably be more horrified at the idea of him leaving his wife and baby alone in hospital to go to a wedding than they would be at finding out they needed a new best man.

If I'm honest I think the thing I feel most upset about is that if they decide to discharge me on the day of the Wedding. I would be so upset if husband wasn't there to take us home and someone else had to - does that sound childish though? I know he would hate it too though if he missed that milestone. But, if that is the case I could always ask the hospital for a late discharge to give him chance to get back after the meals and speeches etc.. There is always a way around the problem? Maybe I'm just being a control freak....

Also, IMO, after you've had a baby needing your husband with you and wanting him are not so different. I needed to see my husband for emotional / mental reasons, I guess to some people that is just 'wanting'.

I think that when you've just had your first baby you should get what you want!

Also those comparing first baby with second baby - for some of us having our first baby is a pretty big deal! Second baby, I agree, I enjoyed a rest and pretended I couldn't remember how to bathe a baby so that the MW would do it.

YANBU.

When I had my 2nd section, it was very painful and I could not sit or stand without pain. I needed DH to wait on me and there was no way on earth I would have accepted inlaws. I had to helped out of the bath and was breastfeeding so often I barely bothered having my top done up.

Also- he should WANT to be with you and the baby. Weddings are not forever but you won't get those early days back.

"worst case scenario I have his parents to help me to the toilet or I can just keep annoying the midwives with the call bell when I need assistance"

Are you out of your mind?

Any man who would leave his wife in those circumstances to go to a fucking wedding is a complete twat.

This is the birth of his FIRST CHILD and he is more interested in being somebody else's party.

The thing is you know now that you will have a days old baby when this wedding is on.

That is a really, really, really big deal. Even if you weren't having a section, even if you weren't likely to be unwell and needing help to the toilet - his place in the days after his baby is born is with you and your baby.

I could not be with a man whose priorities were so fucked up that he pissed off and left me alone in hospital with a newborn baby so he could go to a wedding.

YANBU in any way. It is completely understandable that you will want your husband with you, even if things are completely smooth running and that sounds unlikely. This sort of thing is what marriage is about in my opinion and him going off when you and maybe the baby need him would cause all sorts of resentment in the future. He will probably realise that too once the baby is here - I bet he would feel awful going and will cancel at the last minute. I think the suggestion above is the right one - he should refuse the best man role and ask if he can keep the basic invitation as a 'wait and see'. That way, if (when?) he ducks out at the last minute it isn't too problematic for the bride and groom.

Good luck with the birth and the negotiations!

You're right copper - the couple getting married are lovely and I know they would completely understand. Ps) your comment about my mom helping my husband to the toilet made me laugh out loud, what a horrifying image

YANBU

Going off my experience of cs your gonna need him. Your going for major surgery. Why men see this as run of the mill normal birth never fails to surprise me. It's actually put me off having another .

He needs to explain this all to the couple and let them decide if they would rather choose another best man or just a back-up etc. It needs to be made clear that as per all pregnancies/births, nothing can be certain and your husband just does not know whether he will be able to attend. You may be ok with him going at the time, or he may not WANT to go when it comes around to it. You WILL need lots of help after a c-section, even one that is planned and straightforward etc, my DH helped me get off the toilet and into the shower etc for a week afterwards and i wouldn't have wanted his parents doing that!

Also, my first section wasn't very painful afterwards, but my second hurt like fucking buggery, as it was over scar tissue from the first and I was on the phone to my lovely GP in tears from the pain.

I've spoken to other mothers who also said their second was more painful than the first. If my DH had gone to a friend's wedding instead I would never ever have forgiven him. It's his baby too and he needs to be around.

Thanks everyone again for your replies - I agree with all of them!! I agree with the ones saying I ABU and I agree with those who say I'm aren't. There are arguments to both sides and I understand every point that each response has made. Part of me thinks that when he comes to it, he won't even want to leave me and the baby - at the moment it is all very hypothetical but I imagine when the reality arrives and little one is newly born he won't give a cr*p about going to the Wedding....

No no OP, please don't tell him to just go! It is really hard to envisage how much you need and want your partner with you when you have just had a baby - for me, every instinct said that we should be together as a new family. I could never have predicted that in advance. I don't think you are making this into a drama. I would try to be calm and collected and present the 'not as best man' solution. Don't have those days before and after the birth of your first child overshadowed - you don't get them back.

I haven't spoke to him about how I feel - partly because I don't know what my actual opinion is - but I'm wondering whether I should just tell him I don't want him to go. Like I said, I would never stop him doing something and I want him to come to his own decision but I need him to know how important it is to me that he is with me.

He needs to talk to his friend about all this, there was a good chance that our best man wouldn't make it to our wedding but DH wanted to take the risk and asked an usher if he could be a stand in best man just in case and this situation didn't bother us at all. I think you need to wait and see how things are but I totally see why you want him there with you, you just don't know how you will feel nearer the time. My DH went on a jolly that he couldnt get out of when my dd was about 3days old and although I didn't have any health problems it was really fine so try not to panic. Men are just so rubbish at prioritising arnt they!

YABU, unecessarily so.

You will have had the baby, it is one day only, he said he won't drink and will only be two hours away and will come home.

You will be recovering with lots of help in hospital and from your parents.
Depends if you are going to start the new babies life with the attitude that 'all else stops' or have a more relaxed and happy attitude of 'go and enjoy yourself I have people here looking after me, it is only 12 hours'

Many mothers give birth alone and do it all alone for all sorts of reasons. Your husband is going to be there for you apart from 12 hours for his best friends wedding where he is best man. Not some random piss up, a very important occasion and these friends may one day be godparents to your child etc... they will be important to your family in the future.

You need to be a bit stronger than this IMHO.

Oh yes...the silly men, bless them argument. One of my personal favourites.

If I were getting married, and found out that my best man was contemplating abandoning his wife immediately before or after a major operation in order to be at the wedding, I would be mortified. Unless the happy couple are GroomZilla and BrideZilla, simply explain the situation to them. They'll find another best man, leave a floating place for your husband in case he can make it, extend their best wishes and everyone will sign a card for you at the wedding. Just tell them, and it'll all be sorted out easily.

Yes! Of course you should tell him you don't want him to go! IMO he can't go, it's just not a realistic option.

Also he can then say to his friend 'Winter wants/needs me to be with her' which makes it 'easier' for him to explain the situation to his friend.

Honestly though, as soon as he tells his friend that you'll just have had the baby I'm sure they'll realise he won't be at the wedding.

I think you are being a little silly to worry now. If the wedding is next year and the groom is dh best friend, then it is absolutely fine to out off the decision for a bit. Dh calls his friend, explains the situation. Tells him he really wants to come but obviously it's still a little uncertain in Germanic baby's arrival and your health. He and groom agree a new final confirmation date for a decision re best man or not. They also agree the point at which an absolute cancellation is an issue for the couple.

Because we got married in our home country we had quite a few people who weren't sure until quite close to the wedding if they could make the trip. Each of those people discussed it with us and I told them the latest date we could get away with changes to our guest list.

I had similar problems with both pregnancies exacerbating pre-existing conditions, and needed a lot of physical help on the ward, far beyond the scope of the midwives and other staff- oh, and I didn't even have a CS to recover from like you. They simply didn't have the time to give me that level of attention, and it would have been impossible without DH there.

Regardless of any of that, I'm surprised the couple don't have a back-up best man in the frame already, given your due date.

He should pull out of best man duty but try and make the wedding as a guest. i don't see how he fulfill his best man duties properly or see to your needs properly. It's either or and obviously you come first.

He can watch the wedding video!

You're saying he should miss the first day of his first child's life. You don't ever get that back.

First baths, latching on, meconium, putting them in the beautiful babygro you bought for the first day.....you really think it's ok to miss these things?

Ps - sorry I realise I'm becoming irrationally angry and post-crazed but I just hate the point of view that men are free to do as they choose just after the baby is born. They both made the child, they should both want to be there.

Yy - you should tell him that you would like him to be with you, and that you/the baby may need him, but if he can get away then he can go to the ceremony as a guest. He can be 'best man to the best man' and help someone else to plan the stag do/be involved in the planning for his best mate, but he should assume that he may well not be able to fulfil the best man role on the day

Somerset - that's unkind, OP has already said that her health is not likely to be great.

I don't think you realise how lucky you are to have a 'relaxed and happy attitude'. It's not through choice that some of us feel more anxious about things! It's not choice that some people need help going to the loo etc, they aren't doing it for fun. Women don't choose to feel overwhelmed at having their first baby. How many of the women who give birth alone do so through choice?

Day three is often the 'weepy' day for many women when the hormones really kick in.