To not want my husband to go to the Wedding...

[Writerwannabe83]

I apologise if this is a little long - I don't want to drip feed

My husband's best friend is getting married next year and my husband is Best Man. As Sods Law would have it I fell pregnant earlier this year and my due date fell a week after the Wedding. I am classed as high risk pregnancy because of pre-existing health conditions I have. The Wedding Venue is 2 hours away from where we live and away from the hospital I'm due to give birth in - I have been sent to a certain hospital as they are better equipped to deal with the labour and my health complications. As a result I declined my invite to the Wedding as I didn't want to be so far away from the hospital so close to my due date plus I'd probably feel like cr*p and wouldn't want to be on my feet all day etc- the couple understood this perfectly and it wasn't a problem. It was agreed husband would still go due to his important role and the fact that hopefully I would not go into labour. He would not be drinking at the Wedding so that although it is a long distance away he would still be able to drive back to me if needed.

However, last week myself and the obstetrician came to the decision that due to my health I would have an planned c-section which they will do when I'm 39-39 weeks which as it turns out will be about 2-3 days before the wedding. She is not allowed to give me a definite date until I'm 36 weeks pregnant.

I obviously now don't want my husband to go to the Wedding - I know it is his best friend and he is Best Man but I am going to want him here with me. I envision struggling at first with a newborn and c-sec and don't want to be on the ward, in difficulties and having nobody to help. His parents have said they will come and sit with me but I don't want them, I want my husband. I'm not sure I want them sitting there watching me trying to breast feed or helping me to the toilet etc. There is also a good chance my health will deteriorate after the birth and I just need to know my husband will be there. I also gave the possibility of the scenario that if everything goes better than planned they may even discharge me on the day of the Wedding, and I want him to be the one to take his son home for the first time and be there on his son's first day at home, not his parents.

The official RSVP slips for the Wedding have to be in this Friday and my husband has still not come to a decision as to what to do. He has said that if he agrees to be Best Man and there is a problem following the c-sec then he just won't go to the Wedding as me and the baby will obviously be his priority but I said it would be selfish of him to just ring up the Groom the day before the Wedding and say, "I know I'm your Best Man, but sorry, I won't be coming" it would be so, so unfair to the couple. I actually think there would be a very good chance he won't actually be able to attend the Weeding so why not just accept that and allow the couple to have another Best Man that won't have to let them down on the day? I said the couple will paying for your suit, having all the seating plans made with your name on, keeping a seat for you on the top table, be expecting a speech etc - I said it just isn't fair to take all that away from them at the last minute, everyone deserves their wedding to go as perfectly as possible.

I think part of me is hurt that he hasn't just said flat out that he won't go. I don't understand why he can't see that he needs to be with me and the baby first and foremost. But at the same time, it is his really close friend, they have been friends since forever, he is so excited about being Best
Man and who is say I will actually need him there? I could be absolutely fine and be able to manage a day without him no problems.i would hate for him to miss out on the Wedding/Best Man experience if he didn't need to but I'm just trying to be realistic. I would never stop my husband doing anything and the decision has to be his but I just want him to see the potential realities and complexities of the situation.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to just pull out of the Wedding?

It is clear from this thread that the post c-section experience is very different for different women, the problem is that you just dont know what kind of experience you would have. I suppose in your shoes I would ask myself which would be worse - your DH stays with you, you sail through the post-birth period and end up feeling guilty that you asked him to stay when you could have coped; or he goes, you have a difficult time of it, and you feel upset and maybe resentful that he is not with you both.

Exactly superking - how do you make that choice? It's like on Deal or No Deal when they say, "how would you feel if you dealt and then left knowing you could have had the quarter of a Million?" Lol It is so hard having to make important decisions on no substantial information, just hypothetical scenarios. As life would have it my husband's friend is away this week so I have told my husband to just call him, let him know about the c-section and that there is a high chance he will have to pull out last minute and ask if his friend is prepared to risk that scenario. I really hope his friend says yes, that would just relieve all pressure for me. The fiancé has messaged me this morning anyway as we are all going out together this weekend so I let her know there have been 'developments' which may have a bearing on the wedding and that my husband is going to speak to his friend about it. At least now it is out in the open and my husband can't keep dodging the issue....

In your shoes why don't you say that depending on circumstances (i.e. the birth goes well etc) that your DH will attend for at least the day part of the wedding. However, he won't commit to being BM as he doesn't want to let them down at the last minute, so they'd be better off looking for a new BM now in case he can't attend at all. That way you cover all the bases and can play it by ear nearer the time.

I don't underdtand how they can say that your previously well controlled epilepsy has caused a sudden decline to your health if you havdn't had any fits or seizure activity? Would it be useful to clarify that to help you to calm down?

I would also keep an open mind about your recovery time after surgery. We all recover differently and I felt able to get up and into the shower myself the morning after a crash CS.

I don't think it would be unreasonable for your DH to mske plans to go to the wedding dependent on how you are feeling on the day.

Regarding my epilepsy : because during pregnancy the volume of a woman's circulating blood volume almost doubles I think and so as a result the concentration of the drug levels in the system start to drop. I have been having regular blood tests (as per protocol) and my latest results showed that my drug levels have dropped to half of what they were before I got pregnant and they are no longer in therapeutic range - I.e the drugs are hoping buggers so am now at a real risk of having seizures again. They are increasing my dose but unfortunately it can only be done at a very slow rate. In the meantime I'm not driving as I don't want to risk anything. The risk of seizures increases again after the birth because of the sudden loss of a high blood volume - drug levels in the body drop very low, very quickly and seizures occur. Throw in lack of sleep (most common trigger for seizures) and a woman is very susceptible.

That's why people with epilepsy can't give blood - we have to have a constant and stable level of the drug in our circulating blood at all times.

Sorry for all the typos - damn auto correct. I meant to say that because my drug levels have now dropped so low they are pretty much doing bugger all in terms of preventing seizures from occurring.

I have High Risk Pregnancies ( for different reason), and my the consultant looking after me always planned on me having an induction at 37 weeks, early enough (hopefully, DS was born at 35 weeks) for me not to go into labour naturally but late enough for the DC to not be considered premature, both DDs were born healthy at 37 weeks.

What I am trying to say is there might be some wriggle room with the date, as well as talking to the B & G, talking to your Consultant might explain why 39 weeks, not 38 or 37.

My HR Consultant was really good, she would explain everything to you until you were happy with her reasons and fully understood, that is why her clinic was always running a couple of hours late!

Weddings of anyone other than ourselves are always expensive, hassle filled and after the age of 22 an inconvenience . We agreed many years ago to not go but apologise, send a lovely present and invite them to stay after the honeymoon. Our lives are massively enhanced by not having to dress up as Batman/nuns etc and then lose a weekend day spending hundreds to attend a day that isn't ours. Harsh but true.

If they are worried about blood loss have you discussed a normal delivery with them? Because on average women lose a lot less blood following a normal delivery that following a CS. I realise you may have other reasons for the CS not disclosed here of course, but if it is an option for you it might be worth discussing further with them.

@ Theodorus! I do agree about the cost involved by the time you've paid out for new outfits, accommodation, a gift and the cost of the alcohol!! But I do love a nice wedding and I overlook those negative factors, lol

happy8 - the original plan was that I was going to go in for an induction but have an epidural in place from the very start. Their reason being that with my heart issue they don't want me to feel natural labour as apparently pain can trigger of the condition. They were going to put a time limit on the labour and say, "if you haven't given birth in 'x' amount of hours then we will take you for a c-section". This was because they didn't want to put too much of a strain on my heart or risk a prolonged labour which could trigger seizures. I think the risk of women having a seizure during labour is about 15% so not overly high but one they want to avoid if possible. However, since things have changed it is seen as just better overall to just get the baby out as quick as possible and try and keep my health in as good a condition as possible so I'm well enough to care for baby once he arrives.

Thing is its not just whether you can physically cope. Going through the months of worry of a high risk pg can leave you feeling pretty emotionally vulnerable even after the birth. (Just spoke to my DH and he's positive the wedding he was supposed to be best man for was 2-3 weeks after my DC's birth. Maybe I was just horribly selfish, but I was pretty overwraught after the birth and the thought of being on my own was terrifying).

Second time around, my DH could've gone whilst I was in the hospital recovering from the C/s or whilst I was home - it would've been fine. But that first high risk one....completely different scenario.

My DH also missed the stag do due to me having to be in hospital and DC potentially having to come early. We renamed our DS the EPO for Enjoyment Prevention Officer due to all the fun stuff that DH had to miss because of him (and me!)!!!

But they aren't gettting the baby out quick are they? 38-39 weeks is standard timing for an elcs. Is it Wolff Parkinson White syndrome you have?

P.S of course i know your obstetric team are the ones with your history and better able to advise you on mode of delivery, i'm just trying to understand in view of your apparent anxiety about the delivery!

BTW....Our friends had a completely fantastic wedding day and we are still all good friends!!!

Happy8 she probably means quick as in it can take 20-40minutes for a baby to be born by C section compared with a fair few hours/day for normal birth.

I think you need to be honest with your husband.

Of course you dont WANT for this to be an issue. You dont WANT to be the woman that stops her husband doing stuff, but this is a proper reason. He needs to tell his best friend that as much as he loves him, hes going to need to find a different best man, because theres such a high chance of him not being able to make the wedding. He can still be a guest if everyhting works out with the timing.
There arent very many people in the world that would expect someone to be there at their wedding rather than at the birth of their first child. It would be VERY bad form for him to go and leave you at that time, in the eyes of everyone else, let alone YOUR eyes.

You didnt time this any more than he did, dont forget that.

Yes, I did mean quick in terms of a planned c-section would result in getting the baby out quicker than enduring hours and days of labour

His friends fiancée has just messaged me (as I gave her a brief overview) and she said she completely understands that me and the baby come first. I knew her and the guy would be like that though. There's just this sense of dread that someone out of the 3 parties is going to end up disappointed and I'm pretty sure it will be my husband - I just wish there was a way it could be done.

YANBU. Under the circumstances, it wouldn't be fair on you or the couple who are getting married for him to commit to being best man.

I personally wouldn't feel at all guilty about the fact that he couldn't go either. Missing a wedding is no big deal in the grand scheme of things. Your health and your/his baby's health should come first.

There is light at the end of the tunnel!

After a discussion about it all the bride-to-be contacted the Venue who said that due to the circumstances they are happy to wait until mid- February to have the final numbers. This gives me and my husband plenty of time to clarify when the c-section will be and when see my obstetrician in January we can ask for it to be done at 38 weeks instead of 39. If she agrees there is no real reason why my husband can't perform his Best Man duties as I should be recovered and home by the time the Wedding Day arrives I feel so relieved and so does my husband as I know deep down he would have been so disappointed it he hadn't have been able to go. They have discussed having a 2nd Best Man and it is a route they will go down, just in case. Things like suits and table plans were discussed a little, I.e the implications of those should my husband still need to pull out last minute (if something drastically goes wrong) but the couple have said they completely understand our worries and as long as we keep them informed they are happy to be guided by us. It feels like a huge weight is off my mind and like I said, my husband is so visibly relieved that there are now options and it is a problem that we can now hopefully avoid

That's brilliant! Well done.

Fantastic result. How kind of them.

Something similar happened to us....dh was due to be best man on a date a week after my edd. As it happens I attended the wedding on a baking hot day a week overdue! My dh did have a standby- another giy who was happy to step in and do speeches etc if my dh was otherwise engaged. A lot of weddings have guys who share best man duties so maybe he could suggest that?
I think if the wedding had been a couple of days post birth I would have been ok in hospital with another family member giving me a hand.

Oops sorry- posted before I read the last page. Glad it's all worked out x