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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluded from school nativity

252 replies

scoobysnac · 25/11/2013 21:30

I have just been advised by my sons teacher that he not be participating in the school nativity play due to his attention issues. He will be 3 in January. He has been in 2 other productions at a previous nursery and he was extremely attentive and performed well.

They have said he can come and watch but I don't think it's fair for home to do that in the circumstances. I have discussed this with friends and I laws and they are all really shocked that the nursery would do this.

I was extremely upset earlier today but now I'm just angry that the nursery would put their production above a child's happiness. Rather ironic that it's a nativity and they are acting extremely unchristian.

It's not like he was auditioning for a part and did not win. That would be explainable to an older child but he's 2 years old and will feel left out if all his friends are taking part.

I did post this on another thread and receive pd some very scathing remarks inferring my vanity has been hurt. This is not the case. I just don't feel it's acceptable to exclude a 2 year of for lack of concentration.

Am I being unreasonable to demand they give him a part especially in view of the expensive fees they charge.

OP posts:
dozeydoris · 27/11/2013 06:19

I agree that nursery are not being fair, kind or sensible in their decisions to exclude LO but I also feel it is in his best interest for his DM not to stress about this.

I would make my views known to nursery and take it further if you must but personally would keep DS home for some fun and let it go. He 2 so has probably another 16 years in the education system, to get so wound up about this doesn't seem wise am sure there will be many more important issues in the future .

My DCs were all crap at singing and acting, but good on the sports field, this LO might be the same if he is v active. Just let it go.

SatinSandals · 27/11/2013 07:53

If the title of this was correct I would agree that it was unfair, but he is not at school, 2 year olds are not in classes. He has been in the world a mere 34 months, give or take a few weeks, he is a little tot, not ready to act plays and they will be extremely lucky if they get him to dress up and go on stage and merely stay there. He is unlikely to take part in the proper sense of the word. I agree that if they could get him to stand still he would look cute but I can't see that he would understand what was required. ( unless he was the sort if 2yr old who knows whole songs and plays to an audience at home, but if that was the case they would have picked up on it)
OP will look a bit silly if she makes a huge fuss and he does what my 3yr old did and sat in the audience glued to his grandad!
The nursery are too ambitious in my view and could do a very simple dress up with Christmas songs. As they haven't , I agree with dozydoris and it is in the child's best interests to have a laid back mother who treats it as perfectly normal that he will get a turn next year when he is ready. (I can't see that being a normal 2 year old who is not ready is any sort of slur.)

pigletmania · 27/11/2013 08:21

I agree dozy, make it known as its the principle that is not right, it's meant to be a fun end to the term, if it does not change keep ds off that day and do something fun. It's unacceptable for them to be throwing ables round like that? Have they been properly observing and monitoring him over a period of time? Have they sought professional advice? It seems as though it's a convenient excuse to exclude him and oters from te play. I seriously would look round fr another nursery, this kind of thing would be a dealbreaker for me!

SatinSandals · 27/11/2013 08:27

A nursery wanting 2 year old in plays, calling themselves a school with classes would be a deal breaker for me, I would want one that treats them like 2year olds.

SatinSandals · 27/11/2013 09:08

Anyone doing an AIBU should note the power of words. The first thread had the title '2year old excluded from nativity' with the explanation it was a nursery that he had only started less than 3 months ago and there were another 5 not taking part. It also included the words 'psychological ramifications'. From this the main view was 'get a grip' , mainly because those with older children know there are no 'psychological ramifications'.
It then changed to 'excluded from school nativity' and it was a school and he had a teacher, there was no mention of others not doing it and 'psychological ramifications' was missed out. It got a very different result.

Original poster
scoobysnac · 27/11/2013 13:32

Sorry an edit here ( for pedantic poster satinsandals) my son is at nursery although it is called a school.

Also just wanted to add for those who think a 2 year old is nit aware of being excluded. The ht advised me he was not going to be allowed to be in the nativity in front of my son. He has also spent the last 2 days since this happened refusing to go to nursery and he been very fractious and upset. He is fully aware of being excluded.

OP posts:
Firsttimer7259 · 27/11/2013 13:45

I think this is mean and exclusionary. All the children should be allowed to participate unless they don't want to. If nursery can't figure out how ti do that they probably shouldn'tput on s show. FWIW my daughter is severely disabled and last yewe her nursery just dressed her up and she played with a staff members hair in her angel costume. I'm not sure she realised much of what ess going on but she was part of it which is important for her and important to us. And even if it's really just the parents who feel hurt when children are left out for no good reason that's still crappy of the nursery

SolomanDaisy · 27/11/2013 13:48

Is he actually saying he is upset about not being in the nativity?

MrsDeVere · 27/11/2013 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Guttersnipe · 27/11/2013 13:59

A 2 year old refusing to go to nursery for this reason? Pick him up and take him!

Re the issue in the OP: I can understand your upset but I doubt a 2 year old can really grasp the significance. If I were you, I would just not take him to nursery for the day of the performance as I agree that it would be pretty miserable (for you if not for him) to sit through a performance that does not feature your child.

But with regard to him refusing to go to nursery: please just pick him up and take him! You are going to have to be far more assertive as he gets older if you don't want him to become unmanageable.

Original poster
scoobysnac · 27/11/2013 14:05

Guttersnipe- believe me I did just pick him up and make him go I have no problem with that.

Solomon daisy - no he's not saying mummy I feel upset about not being included. He has delayed speech so he is unable to tell me but I just think it's that he feels that he's done something wrong or not good enough. Although hid speech Is limited in that he cannot express in words if he is upset he will do it in actions. I.e his baby sister will get a push he will throw something

OP posts:
SatinSandals · 27/11/2013 14:07

I would change the nursery as you seem to have such issues about it. Are you sure that you have kept silent about it in front of your son for him to have that reaction? A parents job is to help them get over disappointments-not step it up a notch!

I think that because the play looks effortless on the night people don't realise the hours of effort and rehearsal that go into it. I can't imagine who would want a little tot to spend all those days preparing, having to stand still, move when asked, learn songs etc. Mine would much rather be free to play since at 2 yrs they were normal 2 year olds with 'attention issues' and I can't see the least value, to them, of doing a play they don't understand for reasons they can't understand.

Personally I think that the nursery is being a bit silly. If I was running it I would just make the youngest ones animal masks and plonk them on the stage once at the dress rehearsal and then on the night. That way they don't have to waste hours when they would be better off playing, and if they won't go on the stage, or won't stay on the stage, or want to sit in the audience it wouldn't matter if they were a few sheep less or no sheep at all.

Anyway, since it obviously upsets you, I would change nursery since they keep saying they are not excluding, he isn't ready.

SatinSandals · 27/11/2013 14:09

but I just think it's that he feels that he's done something wrong or not good enough.

Why not just name all the other 5 children that are not doing it and say that next year it will be their turn as they will be older?

Original poster
scoobysnac · 27/11/2013 14:12

Satinsandals incase you missed post above the ht advised me my son wasnot in the nativity when he was sat 2 metres away from me. He heard everything.

Unfortunately all the nurseries are full so I have to put up or shut up.

OP posts:
WhereIsMyHat · 27/11/2013 14:12

My two eldest have attended a (cheap £10 for 3 hours) nursery and they've always done a kind of nativity so I'm not shocked yours does. I do think they're taking themselves far to seriously to exclude 6 little ones because they're not able to concentrate.

I'm not sure age 2 is a great time to deal with 'getting used to not getting his own way'.

Your mistake OP was to mention fees, had you not you'd have had a more sympathetic response.

SatinSandals · 27/11/2013 14:18

I didn't miss it, but it is fairly easy to put a good spin on it. How many are in a 'class'? Surely if you are paying a lot, six children not being in it are a significant proportion?
Can he learn songs and sing them? Can he keep still for the length he is on stage? (mine couldn't do either before they were 3 yrs and luckily no one asked them to).

hazeyjane · 27/11/2013 14:21

My ds cannot learn songs, cannot sing them, won't sit still on stage, he is 3 and a half, he will still be part of the nativity, I may have to glue the teatowel on his head, but he will be part of it, and that is important to us, him and the preschool.

SatinSandals · 27/11/2013 14:40

That is my whole point-he is 3 and a half! He isn't an under 3 yr old.

SatinSandals · 27/11/2013 14:43

I am amazed that so many small children find it so important, mine were not fussed when twice the age!

SolomanDaisy · 27/11/2013 14:47

I think it is pretty unlikely that he is having the reaction that you think. My articulate two year old would understand what had been said and might ask questions, but I think an enduring feeling of theoretically being excluded from an event they have never seen before is both unlikely and easily discouraged. 'Yes, you won't be in the nativity this year, it's a sort of play that involves sitting still for a long time. Maybe we can go and watch?' He's more likely to be picking up on your negativity.

Original poster
scoobysnac · 27/11/2013 15:06

We are talking about this matter in front of my son but he I'd defiantly picking up on the negativity of the ht who works in his room.

My son started nursery at 15 months where he attended a daycare for one day a week. He hated it to the point that in the last weeks him being there he would cry the night before and all morning, all the way in the buggy, up to the room. He left that nursery 9 months ago. Whenever we go past the side road where the nursery is he says in a wingey voice nursery. He has an extremely good memory.

He has I have said before been in 2 previous nursery productions which he hoes remember. He is constantly flicking to the videos on my ipad and singling strong ants !!!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
scoobysnac · 27/11/2013 15:07

Sorry meant are NOT talking about it

OP posts:
hazeyjane · 27/11/2013 15:12

I don't know why people can't understand that it is important for children to feel included.

Satin, ds is 3 and a half, but developmentally he is somewhere around 18 months - 2 (much younger with speech). Maybe this is why it feels important to be included. Some children do struggle and will always struggle, but we don't just say, 'oh well ds can't speak so there is no point in putting him up on stage to sing the Christmas songs' we find a way to include him.

I think this is important whether it is at nursery, preschool or school.

Scoobysnac, you have mentioned delayed speech and nursery and HV mentioning adhd - are there any other investigations into this? It sounds as though there are concerns around his development - do you share those concerns? Have the nursery put any extra support in place for your ds?

SolomanDaisy · 27/11/2013 15:33

Of course it's important for children to feel included. But at 2 they are not at the stage where a theoretical exclusion from a future event they don't fully comprehend will cause days of worry. Not getting a biscuit at the same time as everyone else would cause a bigger problem.

starlight1234 · 27/11/2013 15:37

I have read page 1 and 9 so may well of missed info...Are the majority of children in his group doing the play...I don't like exclusion ...It is a nursery play..they are meant to go wrong and be a bit funny...It is about taking part...
I wouldn't be happy...If it is one issue you are going to have to help your son deal with it sometimes things are unfair...If more issues I would look around and put him on waiting list for another...
I would be asking if he is only one of a few children not taking part what he is doing?

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