To expect my boyfriend to realise his wife is a gold digger and vindictive person?

[NMC89]

Background: my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, having been friends for some time before that. We have a large age difference but have an incredible bond and are best friends. He has been separated from his wife for 4 years but they still live in the same house (they don't have sex). I live in London and she lives in Italy - he commutes, spending the week with me in the UK and the weekends with his children.

She has had multiple affairs openly and manipulates him unbearably (she has threatened to stop him seeing his children). He financially supports her (as well as her sister and brother). I find her behaviour disgusting, she only speaks to him when she wants money or a new car and refuses to do anything for him or the household (she is a sahm) - including disciplining the children, cooking, cleaning or food shopping. He does all these when he gets back after a week working in the UK. I try hard not to constantly be horrible about her, but it is hard to see the man I love being taken advantage of so viciously. I know they are not going to divorce (for the sake of their children) but I really can't see how this is a good alternative. He admits that she is awful and has got very angry about some of the things she has done (notably bringing her boyfriend to their family home to spend the night when his children were there), but he is incapable of doing anything about it and has aided her boyfriend's business and bought her property. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to tell her about me, stand up for himself and stop being a coward as well as getting divorce proceedings under way?

Where's the wife's boyfriend spending his christmas btw?

With her, her kids and her husband?

Just in case OP comes back, you need to think about what relationships are all about. You say he does not have sex with her, ok lets say thats true but what about the emotional relationship he has with her, does that not hurt you? Relationships are so much more than sex.

At weekends/holidays, he is presenting himself as a happy family man, they will be doing things together with the children, laughing, joking building up the memories. Meeting with family and friends, going on holidays, buying each other presents (he has to be to keep this pretence going) That must hurt, why put yourself through that?

Loving the thought that hes actually going home to see his Mum in Manchester every weekend

Go over there one weekend and surprise him! Sorry, but you sound like the OW.

Your friends have suggested MN so you can hear what you need to hear without risking your friendships - they probably don't want to tell you direct because they are afraid you'll flounce off and be even more dependant on this man. That's the problem with being the OW - you're a secret, a lot of people (surprise surprise) don't agree with sleeping with married men and being the bit on the side isn't good for anyone's ego.

You deserve better.

Right now I think there is part of you that enjoys feeling like you are saving him from this 'awful' woman, and being so good about the time he spends with his kids. You're not being supportive of a man going through a rough time - you're being taken advantage of.

Get out.

Now.

OP sounds a bit soft in the head. If the boyfriend is telling the truth then she's willingly going out with someone who won't leave his wife even though he's seperated. OP is certainly not a priority. And if he's not telling the truth, she's deliberately fooling herself. Yikes.

I would have thought a couple of italian teens would jump at the chance of a weekend in London now and then if there dad had a place there.

Autocorrect not grammar Their !!

Maybe he set up a fake email account in her name and emails himself stuff for you to read.

OP I really hope that you're going to come back and tell us that you have done some hard thinking about your situation based on advice you've gleaned here.

That's cool OP! We'll probably see you sometime in the very near future in the 'Relationship' topic asking how we can mend your broken heart!

Well I've seen it all OP some of the most intelligent/ educated people I know lack common sense.

Easy question and by your own admission DW is flaunting her 'affairs' in front of the children, so that would assume that his teenaged DC's are aware of their parents separation so why not divorce?

DW can threaten to keep the DC's from your BF but I think she'd find it very hard if they are teenagers especially with the technology available to them.

I have teenage DC's and tbh they do their own thing in their spare time. Long since is the time when we went to the park or zoo. Even if they are in the house they are usually doing their own thing.

All of the above are without judgement of you, your BF, his DW or age gap. These are all questions you should be asking yourself and your BF

OP - youve never even met ole Casanova's wife, yet you're very judgmental of her...based solely on hearsay from your her man. You're so dismissive of her, your vitriol is reserved for her; you're sleeping with her H, the father of the teens you're supposedly oh so worried about in respect of their mother's loose morals . Yet you have the moral low ground - deffo not the high ground. You're just his sidepiece.

I dont believe you're a gullible delicate flower at all - you know exactly what you're doing and really want to vent your spleen because you want to be in his DW place. But you never will be - not even if he leaves her. Vast majority of men dont actually want to settle down with the OW they picked up so easily. Theyll cheat with you, but you wont exactly be a prize to them. Still, you normally get what you give out in this life dont you

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to tell her about me, stand up for himself and stop being a coward as well as getting divorce proceedings under way?

So..have you told him yet? if so, did his answer make your heart sing with joy? Do you feel your social experiment worked? In fact, never mind...

Im still not entirely sure this post is the real deal anyway

OP hasn't allowed for the possibility that the husband and wife might have agreed to an open relationship during the time they have to live apart.

If OP wants more - ie to be primary partner - she might find that the relationship comes to a sudden halt.

Perhaps it is worth forcing the issue, if that is the case.

For either he'll respond in the way OP hopes for; or it'll be over, in which case (if she is seeking a monogamous partner) she can move on and start seeking a man who will consider her as primary partner.

Yes, I think she should force the issue. That would press fast forward.

this has rather taken on a life of its own and many of the things being brought up have not actually been things I've said (e.g. They've been married for twenty years, that he's Italian, that he slags her off). I also, don't really want to read any more comments that involve 'you are stupid/dim/moronic', luckily, I'm secure in my intellectual capabilities!

Yes, unfortunately that does seem to happen a great deal on MN.

And yes, 99 ties out of a 100 MN will always side with the wife. No matter what. She could be Rose West and MN would still be on her side because she's the wife. It's just the law.

But the simple fact is this: either they have a genuine separation and she does her own thing but he plays on the 'staying together for the children' as a way of not fully committing to you, anda convenient way of batting away your questions about divorce, OR, he is still very much married, regardless of whatever very Bohemian arrangement they may have about what goes on when the other is not there.

Either way, it is standing in the way of your relationship moving forward, which clearly seems to bother you but is not remotely bothering him. That's all there is to it really.

well yo, that is pretty much what everyone has been saying.

343 message all saying the same thing OP. This man is not being truthful with you. What do you want to do about it?

You're the OW.

I'm getting a picture of OP's boyfriend as the faux Italian gigolo in Allo Allo.He used to be Terry married to Irene in Eastenders years ago.

Ah, yes, maras - 'she's a beautiful lydee, but whatta cow!'

:)

I just read the OP to my DP, half way through he started shaking his head saying "he's lying, he's still with his wife, it's obvious"

HTH

She's not coming back though, is she?! ALL of us are wrong.

Yup. we are all sad little wives with no understanding of passion or love.

Ahem.

She did sort of say she had finished her 'social experiment' and wouldn't be back....he's with her all week so alas it could be Arrivederci.