Stepchildren and Christmas

[Financeprincess]

DH and I have been married for 5 years. He has two children, aged 16 and 19. He was divorced when we met. We have no children of our own.

Since his divorce, he and his ex wife worked it so that the children spent Christmas with one parent and new year with the other, reversing each year (so each parent got them for Christmas Day every other year).

Last year was 'our' year for Christmas. Stepchildren decided to stay until Christmas Day lunchtime, then go to their mum's house for Christmas dinner. Fine by us; they are old enough to decide for themselves.

This year, like last year, we're hosting Christmas for my family. We have 4 bedrooms, including ours. Because the stepchildren were staying last Christmas Eve, I put up my family, at my sole expense (i.e. not jointly with DH) at a local hotel, but unsurprisingly they prefer staying at our house.

DH and I agreed a couple of months ago that we'd host Christmas for my family again, and I assumed that since it wasn't our year for the stepchildren, we could accommodate the family in our house. However, he's announced that the stepchildren want to do the same as last year, and stay in 'their' rooms, meaning that my family have to stay in the hotel again on Christmas Eve, which they don't really want to do and nor do I, really. It feels inhospitable.

I'm annoyed with DH; I think he should have consulted me before changing the long-standing alternating Christmas agreement. He says that it's changed whether I like it or not, that he isn't going to tell his kids that they are unwelcome and that my family should effectively suck it up. AIBU for being annoyed?

DSD is at university far away, so we don't see that much of her. DSS is with us every 2/3 weekends. In my view they don't live with us so it seems a bit much for them to have prior claim on 'their' rooms at the expense of any other guests.

DH's ex wife lives 20 miles away. DSD drives. I don't see why they couldn't drive over on Christmas morning. My family live 100 miles away, and I have a very young (under 5) niece and nephew; I don't think it's fair to suggest that tinies are driven a long way on Christmas morning.

Am I being unreasonable?

I'd say its fine for them to come but your family are too and everyone is going to have to be flexible including his children. I would not be moved on this.

I don't think you are bu. your being practical he's being emotional

YABU in one way and not in another. Things do change...I wouldn't make a fuss this time but would make it clear to everyone that next year youi want your family staying....OR make everyone welcome and use camp beds etc.

yes sparkly puts it much better.

Yes

Can't they all stay? Campbeds ,sofas etc!

Sorry, I think YABU. I'd be devastated if my parents chose to have someone else stay over me for Christmas (excepting the time I slept on a camp bed so my elderly grandmother could have a proper bed). It's unfortunate for your family, but your stepchildren have first call on their rooms every night IMO.

yabu

they arw their rooms but I would use camp beds and sofas etc to try and fit everyone in

Thanks for the views. Might float the camp bed idea (not for my 80-something parents though - might try to present it to DSD and DSS as a bit of a lark).

Do children really expect first call on rooms at two separate houses (in our case, their mum's house, where they spend most of their time, plus our house) whenever they want? What about when we have friends staying - wouldn't expect one of the children to roll up at 3am and demand that the occupant of the bed be evicted!

yabu to expect them not to come. He is bu to expect them not to have to 2up/sleep on sofas/camp beds and generally manage.

YANBU to want your family to stay but YABU to evict your DSC. In my family children always gave up beds for adult relations - we slept on floors, couches, camp beds etc. Is this not an option OP?

YANBU

Tell the skids they're more than welcome and you can't wait to see them but they'll be sleeping on makeshift beds in the sitting room as you've already got a full house planned.

I get where you are coming from however your dh is right. The kids want their rooms so they aren't available for guests. They Gould always feel welcome in their fathers home or what kind of father is he?

However it is Xmas and there are other visitors, a bout of squishing never did anybody and harm. I'm sure you can fit everyone in if you stop seeing it as an either or choice

ummm, kids not skids!

Kids give up beds for older relatives.

The sleeping arrangements just need to be rearranged.

anothe rvote for children (including resident ones) give up beds for elderly relatives

They come but they sleep in the living room or whatever other space can be found.

You absolutely don't turf out your pre-invited guests.

I wonder if they want to come to you because they enjoy seeing your parents (their step-grandparents)? In which case they can definitely give up their rooms as any other children would be expected to do.

Thank you ladies. Great to have a bit of perspective.

(Liked the 'skids' typo)

claim on their room? My dd1 (18) is hardly ever here but she gets priority in her room.

Tough titty! Your dh is bob on, his kids come first. Christmas is for children spend new year with your family.

Why are you paying to put your family up ? I never comment on step issues but you sound like my ex step mum . Meh!

Why shouldn't she put her own family up for God's sake? When I was a kid I was always turfed out of my room for visiting relatives, I assume most people will say the same. Is it really such a hardship to ask a teenager to sleep on a blow up mattress for a couple of nights? Get a grip.

I think both you and DH are being a bit unreasonable.

He should have consulted you before changing plans- especially if he was aware that you planned to have your family come and stay. I'd be annoyed about that, and let him know it.

Have you invited your family to come for christmas? And had you discussed the arrangements with your DH? I'm wondering if he hadn't realised you'd finalised the plans with your family, and thought it was just what you wanted to do? He should still have discussed plans with you though.

However, I think you are BU to say his DC don't have rooms anymore- especially if your DH considers the rooms to be theirs when they want them. And I do think his DC should have a slightly higher priority than your nieces and nephews (they are, after all, his DC). And yes, step-children do tend to acquire "their own rooms" in both their parents homes- that is, if you want them to feel at home with you (rather than guests).

I think it would be quite hard on the the step-children (especially the 16 year old), to be told that they aren't welcome to stay after all, in favour of your nieces and nephew (and I'm guessing their parents). I think you need to consider the impact of that on your relationship with your DSC- only you'll know how strong it is and how they will react to the news.

Could you float the room sharing/camp bed idea with the DSC? If not, I think you have to consider whether sticking to your guns is worth it- I mean in terms of your relationship with your DSC. Perhaps it wouldn't bother them in the slightest- you're better placed to judge.

BTW I had my own room in my parents home when I left for uni- it only really stopped being "my room" (as opposed to "my old room") when I graduated and got a job. That seemed pretty standard among all my school and university friends- including those whose parents were divorced. I viewed my parents home as my home when I was at university (my flat was my uni home)- to be told I wasn't actually my home anymore the moment I left for uni would have been quite upsetting.

Thanks for your lovely post, Humphryscorner, but my family have already been invited for Christmas and I'm not disinviting them.

Nor do I think that children should automatically be given simultaneous sole use of a room each, at two separate houses, on the same night, at the drop of a hat, when other arrangements have already been made and when there's an agreed plan (alternating Christmases between parents) in place. I'll be following the sensible suggestions up thread, thanks.

Since you ask, I'm paying for my family's rooms because they aren't well off enough to pay for two nights each in a hotel, and I think that if you have invited people to stay with you, it would be unforgivably rude to announce, after they have accepted, that they have to pay for their own accommodation.

You don't know me, and I don't know your former stepmother, but I find myself feeling rather sorry for her.

I'm at those who say you are unreasonable.

You hosted Christmas last year, your step children (adult step children - ok one is 16 but the other is legally an adult) decided to leave mid day.

This year is meant to be your New Year with them.

But your DH decides to change this?
Your step children aren't unwelcome though, it just means an bit of moving about?

Thank you, Squoosh and Worried.

Worried, you make some good points. I don't want my stepchildren to feel unwelcome - honestly hadn't considered the blow up mattress option! They do still have rooms that are permanently theirs at their mum's house, but since it's she who has custody, I feel that it's slightly different at our house and that they could be expected to be flexible sometimes.