Stepchildren and Christmas

[Financeprincess]

DH and I have been married for 5 years. He has two children, aged 16 and 19. He was divorced when we met. We have no children of our own.

Since his divorce, he and his ex wife worked it so that the children spent Christmas with one parent and new year with the other, reversing each year (so each parent got them for Christmas Day every other year).

Last year was 'our' year for Christmas. Stepchildren decided to stay until Christmas Day lunchtime, then go to their mum's house for Christmas dinner. Fine by us; they are old enough to decide for themselves.

This year, like last year, we're hosting Christmas for my family. We have 4 bedrooms, including ours. Because the stepchildren were staying last Christmas Eve, I put up my family, at my sole expense (i.e. not jointly with DH) at a local hotel, but unsurprisingly they prefer staying at our house.

DH and I agreed a couple of months ago that we'd host Christmas for my family again, and I assumed that since it wasn't our year for the stepchildren, we could accommodate the family in our house. However, he's announced that the stepchildren want to do the same as last year, and stay in 'their' rooms, meaning that my family have to stay in the hotel again on Christmas Eve, which they don't really want to do and nor do I, really. It feels inhospitable.

I'm annoyed with DH; I think he should have consulted me before changing the long-standing alternating Christmas agreement. He says that it's changed whether I like it or not, that he isn't going to tell his kids that they are unwelcome and that my family should effectively suck it up. AIBU for being annoyed?

DSD is at university far away, so we don't see that much of her. DSS is with us every 2/3 weekends. In my view they don't live with us so it seems a bit much for them to have prior claim on 'their' rooms at the expense of any other guests.

DH's ex wife lives 20 miles away. DSD drives. I don't see why they couldn't drive over on Christmas morning. My family live 100 miles away, and I have a very young (under 5) niece and nephew; I don't think it's fair to suggest that tinies are driven a long way on Christmas morning.

Am I being unreasonable?

My DC live with me and DP, their dad. When we have guests, they move around, top and tail atm, as they are still quite young, or when older, air beds, sofa whatever is needed. These precious beings need to realise that they have to do the same in your home as I expect my DC to do in ours.

YANBU!

Thank you ladies.

Update: I talked to DSS this morning, using suggested form of words, and he agreed with a fairly good grace. I'll be telephoning DSD later and will hope for the same reaction.

DH was arguing for my sister and the little ones to camp out in the sitting room (!!! How would she ever get them to sleep, for a start!) but soon dropped that line of debate when I suggested that we take the air bed instead. He really didn't want that!!

Thanks again.

Yanbu but I understand your dh. He's probably pleased that DC want to be at your house this Christmas aswell and doesn't want the teenage 'it's my room, why don't you want me, I feel unwelcome' response that he may get.

Now that he's agreed with dsc staying, I'm not sure what you can do as if he now goes back to them and says 'dsm has already allocated your rooms, so you can't stay' the. They may react badly

Am gobsmacked at some of the posts here. And the irony - the clutching of pearls in horror because (some) people have assumed the OP is being unwelcoming - which she clearly is NOT - and stern reminders for her to remember that they are family (because clearly she's forgotten ) and then, in the next breath, another poster tells her that she cannot dictate where they sleep - that is up to her DH and him alone apparently.

If they are family - and not guests - then they're 100% part of the family. That means taking the rough with the smooth, not getting preferential treatment and not "cherry picking" the good bits only. That means, in the scenario described, where there's not enough beds for everyone staying that accommodation is arranged according to need and courtesy. Obviously, elderly guests get the most comfortable room, then, in most families, the next most attractive accommodation would go to an actual guest (i.e. not someone who was a member of the immediate family, as the stepkids are), then, when the guests have all been sorted, the immediate family would have to "make do" with whatever was left and, in most families, that means that adults get first dibs on comfort and privacy over children (or very young adults).

As so many people have already said, it is completely common and not at all unusual or unwelcoming or asking too much to have children sleeping on campbeds, futons or lilos. It's one night people - the children concerned do NOT need their "own space". They will NOT spontaneously combust if they don't each have their own private room for the (very short) duration. This arrangement does NOT mean that no-one loves them any more.

It is about give and take, consideration for others and common courtesy. And since so many people are so very concerned that these kids must be made to feel part of the family, then expecting them to accept these arrangements without complaint is exactly what being part of a family is all about. Treating them like honoured guests in these particular circumstances would be doing the opposite.

The OP is also part of this immediate family and she is an adult who should be equally consulted about what's happening re: Christmas. She has every right to suggest the children muck in and make do - if her DH can't see this is the right and fair thing to do for all concerned then he needs a kick up the backside for being so pathetic and precious. Between us DP and I have 2 (young) adult kids, 1 almost adult child and a younger child (only resident child). So far as I'm concerned, we get to call the shots about bedroom arrangements when there are too many people and too few rooms. It isn't a question of asking anyone "if they mind" - because there's no alternative if they say they do .... therefore our kids are told what's going to be happening, and get short shrift if they complain. They would of course be told in advance so they could put away anything private they didn't want guests to see but am very bemused at having to ask for permission because they have stuff in there .... it's not as if anyone we wanted to stay over in our home (who'd normally be close family anyway) is lightfingered.

OP - hope you can sort this without any further fuss. Think your DH was very wrong to say "if they don't want to do it we can't make them" - how bloody ridiculous. Of course they can be "made" to do it .... they're simply told that that is what's happening - as it does in thousands of homes up and down the country every Christmas (step or not) - and if they don't like the idea, they would be welcome to drive down on Christmas Day morning instead. Clearly your DH is worried about "offending" them - is he usually so precious ? Reiterate this is treating them normally (on the basis that most families would ask them to rough it for a single night in favour of older guests who'd travelled much further - in my own experience, I can't think of a single family I know who'd not automatically move children from their rooms, no debate). I'd be very angry indeed if they ended up "refusing" to give up their rooms and he condoned this - it would be incredibly rude towards the genuine guests.

X-posted. Pleased to read DSS "accepted". So he should. He'd be very ill mannered to do otherwise. If his sister does the same hopefully DH will realise how ridiculous he was being.

Thank you.

finance glad you got things sorted. Dss probably didn't realise you had been put in the position. Have a lovely Christmas

I too would be saying 'fine kids keep their room, we will be staying on camp beds in the lounge'.

My teenager gives up her room for guests happily, sometimes she will sleep on the floor in her room so she can chat to them! She sees it as fun, surely that's normal when family are staying. She is young and capable of sleeping anywhere. Disabled/elderly get our room with an ensuite to make it easy for them in the night. When we stay with my parents we squeeze 8 into a three bed house, no complaints!

The step kids could sleep in the lounge, eat the mince pies, drink santa's drink, dust Santa foot prints over the carpet and arrange presents round the tree. Whilst watching the TV no doubt! My teenager would enjoy doing this for the little ones!

Glad to see no complaints from DSS, I'm sure dsd will be fine (as a student she is probably used to crashing on friends sofas! We regularly stayed on the sofa of whoever was nearest the pub!).

needaholidaynow - imo stepchildren if they LIVE with you are part of the family. They're part of the family even if they don't live with you. But in this instance the "guests" are her family and in a sense the stepchildren are also "guests" as they're coming to stay for a festive holiday with their father, his wife and her family. They are also spending time with their mother at her home. If pushed to ask them I wonder would DSS and DSD want to name where their proper home is. You'd expect they feel at home in BOTH houses with both parents/step-parents. If they had more of an allegiance with their mother or father (if they live with mother permanently as seems the case) they may ALSO state that their mum's house is more their proper home.

You can argue the toss here - OF COURSE the stepchildren are part of the family, OF COURSE they have their own rooms. if anyone is entitled to kick up a stink imo it's OP DSS because he stays there most weekends. DSD is away at uni, her own life etc and is there weekends. Give it 2-3 more years she will have probably made her own life and won't even be that bothered staying with her father (I'm guessing).

All that's happening is here is due to lack of planning and consideration on OP's DH is OP's family are being urged (by DH) to think about a hotel at their own expense. EG to up sticks, stay in an unfamiliar place and at their own expense. That is not very welcoming towards OP's family nor OP herself. and it also seems the DH is using his kids or his feelings about his kids to guilt-trip etc the OP. Not on all on counts.

Not LTB ground by any means but certainly something to be nipped in the bud. I sort of speak as a DSD but also with various step aunts/grandparents etc in my life as well as DSD to both SM and SF. It's not easy, it never is, it CAN be easy though.