Stepchildren and Christmas

[Financeprincess]

DH and I have been married for 5 years. He has two children, aged 16 and 19. He was divorced when we met. We have no children of our own.

Since his divorce, he and his ex wife worked it so that the children spent Christmas with one parent and new year with the other, reversing each year (so each parent got them for Christmas Day every other year).

Last year was 'our' year for Christmas. Stepchildren decided to stay until Christmas Day lunchtime, then go to their mum's house for Christmas dinner. Fine by us; they are old enough to decide for themselves.

This year, like last year, we're hosting Christmas for my family. We have 4 bedrooms, including ours. Because the stepchildren were staying last Christmas Eve, I put up my family, at my sole expense (i.e. not jointly with DH) at a local hotel, but unsurprisingly they prefer staying at our house.

DH and I agreed a couple of months ago that we'd host Christmas for my family again, and I assumed that since it wasn't our year for the stepchildren, we could accommodate the family in our house. However, he's announced that the stepchildren want to do the same as last year, and stay in 'their' rooms, meaning that my family have to stay in the hotel again on Christmas Eve, which they don't really want to do and nor do I, really. It feels inhospitable.

I'm annoyed with DH; I think he should have consulted me before changing the long-standing alternating Christmas agreement. He says that it's changed whether I like it or not, that he isn't going to tell his kids that they are unwelcome and that my family should effectively suck it up. AIBU for being annoyed?

DSD is at university far away, so we don't see that much of her. DSS is with us every 2/3 weekends. In my view they don't live with us so it seems a bit much for them to have prior claim on 'their' rooms at the expense of any other guests.

DH's ex wife lives 20 miles away. DSD drives. I don't see why they couldn't drive over on Christmas morning. My family live 100 miles away, and I have a very young (under 5) niece and nephew; I don't think it's fair to suggest that tinies are driven a long way on Christmas morning.

Am I being unreasonable?

I think OP, who will no doubt do most of the work, needs her own space!

Well, each to their own.

I wouldn't even ask them I'd tell them that we'd be sorting out sleeping arrangements on the day and leave it at that.

This thread has actually made me sad in that peo

Oops

People actually have rooms at their dad/sm's homes. I wasn't allowed to keep anything there as I had no room and I didn't even have a bed I had to go upstairs and pump the air bed up every other Saturday when I had to visit!!

Your dh's response is so crap :(

He's obviously not on board so he's going to grimace about you when he pretend asks them imo

Pink - I didn't even see my dad after the age of 6 and I'm now 46! There's always someone worse off than you...

Even if the children were your own I would expect them to give up their rooms for elderly relatives. We always did as children and no-one felt pushed out or rejected. Grandma and granny were coming to stay so we slept in the living room. No big deal.
No wonder children grow up thinking the world revolves around them

Your DH should not have had to consult you about having his own children stay in his home.

He should have a discussion about how you can both arrange space for everyone to sleep, but he doesn't need your permission to let his children stay with him, and YABVU to be annoyed with him for not discussing it first.

Very true FBR!

When I stayed with my dad and stepmom I didn't have my own room they had 3 kids in a 3 bedroom house. I shared with my 2 sisters and then in converted summerhouse in summer. I also stayed with step grandparents who
Lived 5-10 mins walk away.

If it had been Xmas I'd have done the same. When my step siblings came to my house they were surprised (and slightly envious) that my brother and I had run of 4 bed house with extra space (now my brothers room as its huge and full of his furniture but other story) and we sort of felt guilty in a way they weren't in our house which was my dads original house.

I and my brother at 16 or so were invited to live with my dad and stepmom they would've converted lift/attic. We didn't do that but it was amazingly kind to offer.

I really do think there should be give and take both sides here and good lesson for DSC to realise sharing and giving up rooms not end of world and entitlement feelings not great either. I'm sure DSC would be v understanding if broached by stepmom. I think dad and stepmom should speak to Dss together and to DSD on phone one after other. (If need be).

Good luck OP.

The step family thing is a red herring. Too many guests for the number of bedrooms equals people sharing and using the lounge. When I was a kid my sister and I shared my single bedroom and her double bedroom was taken over by guests. If we had two sets of elderly relatives my parents would give up their bed and sleep on the sofa bed.

At the very least I would expect your dsc to share one room. Taking up two rooms is selfish. Your dh needs to remember normal family dynamics! If your family do end up in a hotel I would expect him to pay and I am quite surprised he didn't offer to pay half last year.

Just because your family is not the dsc family does not mean they get treated as non-family in your house.

I have 2 DC, my partner has 2DC and we have just had a DS together so weekends there is 4 teenagers and a newborn baby. It's a case of everyone in together (baby with us). They are all treated the same and understand that as we only have a 3 bedroom house, compromise has to be reached even though it's a bit of a squish :)

OP how big are the rooms? You have an extra spare room so is it big enough for all your family? Or can you do sofa bed in lounge?

I'm thinking excitable young kids will wake early anyway etc. also no harm in your niece and nephew either sharing with DSC? One night eh?

I've been in this situation, as the 19 year old SD, and actually I think you are being completely fair. They have a permanent home at their mothers (unlike many step kids who get shunted week-to-week), as did I.

They are old enough to understand that whilst they will always be welcome, others will always be welcome too and they will need to compromise. As for the idea of having immediate access to two homes at the drop of a hat - in an emergency, yes. Otherwise, no.

(in my opinion, anyway).

Thank you ladies. Some really helpful guidance, and I'm grateful.

I would say that your family are staying so they will be on airbeds in the lounge.

Has someone suggested that DH def does not get his own bed on that night. Perhaps you OP can kip on floor somewhere and your DPs get your and DH's bed, he can sleep on the, hopefully, lumpy sofa.

"It's changed, whether you like it or not?"

THAT, right there, would SERIOUSLY piss me off. Whatever happened to courteous communication and discussion?

We go to BiL's massive 5 bedroom 3 bathroom house for Xmas every other year. They have 2 DDs, 16 and 18, we have 2 adult DS, my Mil and other BiL come too, as too does SiL's mother.

Under no circumstances do the 2 DDs get asked to give up their rooms, so the two old ladies get the 2 spare bedrooms, BiL gets to sleep on the floor in the study, my DSs sleep in the sitting room and DH and I get the floor in the chill out room.

I'm never going again - I'm 50 and I don't want to spend Xmas night sleeping on the floor. The teens need to give up their rooms without moaning. The fact that their parents are divorced is neither here not there.

Is it perhaps that a suggestion of giving up beds for guests might be much better received by the kids than your DH imagines and it is in fact his issue of not wanting them to feel your home is not also their home that could be the problem?
Hopefully they will be mature enough to say ok it's only one night we can sleep on the sofa!

I know you weren't expecting them to be there when you made arrangements, but I would think, out of common courtesy, you would ask them if your family can stay in their room anyway. Even if the expectation would be for them to always say 'yes' ( children giving up beds for elders etc)

If these are their rooms, in their dad's house, that seems only proper, after all it isnt their fault they have to have their lives split between 2 houses...

Surley you wouldn't let someone stay in their room, presumably containing their belongings, without at least mentioning it to them?...

They can't have it both ways. They are either guests who are out ranked by previously invited guests, or they are family and are turfed out of their beds for guests. They can't win.

a couple of nosy questions now 1) is this a joint home or just your husband's? 2) are the two bedrooms decorated as guest rooms or to the personal taste of the teenage children and furnished with their belongings?

My parents always used to give up their bedroom to let grandparents use it, I suggest you tell your DH that you & he will be sleeping on air beds in the living room, see how he likes that . Exactly how many guests are staying - are they couples/singles/children?

I do think children/young adults should understand that they may have to compromise the sleeping arrangements at Christmas, that's just the way it is in many families.

Brilliant Ragwort! If he won't tell the children they're on the air beds, it's you and him.

(I'm now envisaging him refusing and being joined in bed by Grandpa Joe).