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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepchildren and Christmas

136 replies

Financeprincess · 23/11/2013 23:46

DH and I have been married for 5 years. He has two children, aged 16 and 19. He was divorced when we met. We have no children of our own.

Since his divorce, he and his ex wife worked it so that the children spent Christmas with one parent and new year with the other, reversing each year (so each parent got them for Christmas Day every other year).

Last year was 'our' year for Christmas. Stepchildren decided to stay until Christmas Day lunchtime, then go to their mum's house for Christmas dinner. Fine by us; they are old enough to decide for themselves.

This year, like last year, we're hosting Christmas for my family. We have 4 bedrooms, including ours. Because the stepchildren were staying last Christmas Eve, I put up my family, at my sole expense (i.e. not jointly with DH) at a local hotel, but unsurprisingly they prefer staying at our house.

DH and I agreed a couple of months ago that we'd host Christmas for my family again, and I assumed that since it wasn't our year for the stepchildren, we could accommodate the family in our house. However, he's announced that the stepchildren want to do the same as last year, and stay in 'their' rooms, meaning that my family have to stay in the hotel again on Christmas Eve, which they don't really want to do and nor do I, really. It feels inhospitable.

I'm annoyed with DH; I think he should have consulted me before changing the long-standing alternating Christmas agreement. He says that it's changed whether I like it or not, that he isn't going to tell his kids that they are unwelcome and that my family should effectively suck it up. AIBU for being annoyed?

DSD is at university far away, so we don't see that much of her. DSS is with us every 2/3 weekends. In my view they don't live with us so it seems a bit much for them to have prior claim on 'their' rooms at the expense of any other guests.

DH's ex wife lives 20 miles away. DSD drives. I don't see why they couldn't drive over on Christmas morning. My family live 100 miles away, and I have a very young (under 5) niece and nephew; I don't think it's fair to suggest that tinies are driven a long way on Christmas morning.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Ragwort · 24/11/2013 19:44

Actually if I was the Op I think I would be tempted to book myself into a hotel and leave everyone else to it Grin.

EthethethethChrisWaddle · 24/11/2013 20:22

Would you chuck your own children out of their beds for guests? If yes, then do it!

I have 2 adult stepchildren. We live in a 3 bed house, and also have 5 children together. So when my stepchildren visit it's musical beds! 2 of mine have to give up their beds for their older siblings and have a camp bed or the smallest one comes in with me and DH. Same if my mum visits.

I think your DH needs to say to them that it's lovely they want to stay but you've already arranged for your family to come over so they will need to sleep on camp beds/sofa/shed or wherever.

Or like Ragwort said, book yourself into a hotel and leave them all to it! Grin

Aeroaddict · 24/11/2013 20:30

The way it works in my house is that when pil come to stay they get our bed, DH and I have the children's beds and DSS and DS sleep on the floor and sofa. Nobody has ever questioned it or seemed to mind. DS actually enjoys sleeping on the floor. Smile

MorelloKiss · 24/11/2013 20:34

Yes...but you probably at least tell the children of your plans to oust them...

nauticant · 24/11/2013 21:07

I'm astonished by the rough ride some of the posters have given the OP here, including making stuff up about her apparently not liking her stepkids.

When reading this thread, I was put in mind of another thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1918969-Are-we-raising-a-generation-of-helpless-kids

Original poster
Financeprincess · 24/11/2013 21:43

Thanks for the responses. I'll answer some of the questions:

Yes, it is a joint home (I paid for most of it, actually! Although that's not relevant).

Yes, if I had children I'd mandate - not ask - that they vacate their rooms for guests who need beds more than they do.

"Oust" is rather emotive language to describe telling teenagers that the decent thing to do is to give up their bedrooms for elderly step parents plus a step auntie and two tinies, isn't it? I seem to be attracting opprobrium from disgruntled stepdaughters who perhaps think that I must be punished for their stepfamily disappointments!

My parents are in their 80s, and have arthritis, so under no circumstances will they be on an air bed!!

The rooms were decorated to the step children's taste to a degree when we moved, but they knew the deal was that they would also be used as guest rooms.

As for "surely you wouldn't let somebody stay in their rooms, containing their belongings, without asking them?" - yes, I would, actually! They keep some belongings at our house, but they live most of the time with their mum. If we lived in an 8 bed mansion then perhaps their rooms could be treated as shrines where nobody else was ever allowed to sleep, but we don't! It's unreasonable to expect me and DH to call a 16 year old and a 19 year old for permission when we want to invite friends to stay. It's simply not going to happen.

Finally, thank you Nauticant. I've noticed that, when you're a stepmum, people do tend to make ill-informed judgments about whether you like your stepchildren based on zero knowledge!

P.s. Starting to find the hotel idea appealing!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Financeprincess · 24/11/2013 21:44

Sorry, should have read "elderly step grandparents" not "elderly step parents". I've got a few years in me yet.

OP posts:
nauticant · 24/11/2013 22:25

For some reason stepmothers often get a very hard time on here, even when they're not trying to feed the stepkids poisoned apples.

But you sound quite pragmatic and positive so I'm sure you'll take the useful comments and have a wry smile over the rest. Hope you get it sorted out without too much hassle.

intitgrand · 24/11/2013 23:24

Who do the2 tinies belong to?

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 24/11/2013 23:30

Op, YaNBU at all. But why don't you talk directly to your step children? Based on your OP, I wouldn't trust your DH to do it in a manner to get required result and keep all happy at same time. Put nicely and calling on their good natures, I would hope your step children do the right thing with good hearts.

And of course you can't uninvited your family.

My pre-teen DC give up their bedrooms or share with each other when we have several guest staying. It is the hospitable thing to do.

Original poster
Financeprincess · 24/11/2013 23:31

My sister is the owner of the tinies. None of the rooms are really big enough/have suitable bed space to put my sister and the little ones together.

OP posts:
intitgrand · 24/11/2013 23:32

THis is the second 'wicked stepmother being unwelcoming to step children thread we have had tonight!'

Original poster
Financeprincess · 24/11/2013 23:34

Glad it's not just me!!!

OP posts:
MomOfTwoGirls2 · 24/11/2013 23:36

Is your sisters OH also staying? My sister has two smallies, 3 and 4. When she stays without her DH, they all sleep in same bed. My DN feel happier in the same bed as their mom in a strange house... And would end up there anyway.

intitgrand · 24/11/2013 23:38

The point is OP, that your house is the step kids home, they don't have to ask permission to come for christmas.It is harsh but when you marry someone with kids, they are always going to come first with your partner.Don't push him into a position where he has to choose between you because you aint gonna win!
Another thing is that teenagers do need a place they can retreat to when it gets too much.I would suggest the 16 yo camping in his sisters room so at least they have a place to get away from all teh step family!

Original poster
Financeprincess · 25/11/2013 00:03

They don't have to ask permission to come to our house - one of their homes - for Christmas, and I've never suggested that they did. However, they are old enough to understand that they have to accommodate other people and that if they change the existing plan, they need to compromise.

They only have to camp out for one night - Christmas Eve - and will have their own rooms for the preceding three days before the family arrive, so I don't see any great hardship for them there. They want to return to their mum's house at lunchtime on Christmas Day. We have a TV in the conservatory, which they can sit in if they want to be on their own, but since they will now only overlap with my family for Christmas Eve evening and Christmas morning, I can't see any urgent need for solitude.

OP posts:
SparkleSoiree · 25/11/2013 01:07

"don't push him into a position where he has to choose, you aint gonna win!"

Why do people want to make this a competition of some sort?

The OP sounds very level-headed and has not said the children cannot come for christmas - it's the sleeping arrangements that are the issue and MANY of us (stepparents or not) move our kids around to accommodate our guests - that's called hospitality.

This:

"I would suggest the 16yo camping in his sisters room so as least they have a place to get away from all the step family!"

Really? They are all part of the same family now so to make comments like that encourages division and are not helpful at all.

intitgrand · 25/11/2013 01:23

we might like then to feel a certain way about step family, but that doesn t mean they will ! Anyway as the op has clarifie it is only for a single night, that has changed my opinion , i doo t think it is too much of an ask

Vivacia · 25/11/2013 06:15

The point is OP, that your house is the step kids home

  1. It's also her home and I'm gobsmacked at the way her husband is talking about who will sleep where as if he has the final say.

  2. OP knows that it's the stepkids' home too. Last year she paid at her own expense to put her other relatives up in a hotel, because there was a prior arrangement that the rooms were in use by the stepkids.

  3. OP only invited relatives to use the room because the stepkids (at that point) weren't using them. She didn't turf them out.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 25/11/2013 06:23

My dc live with me full time but would be quite happy to vacate their rooms for a night so other family could stay over at Christmas,

needaholidaynow · 25/11/2013 06:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maddening · 25/11/2013 06:38

As a dc of a non divorced household if visitors came at any time we were turfed out of our rooms and all slept on camp beds - I don't see why it is any different for children of a divorced family!

needaholidaynow · 25/11/2013 06:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inertia · 25/11/2013 07:00

YANBU at all. Your dh changed the plans without consulting you and dismissive of you.

In every family sleeping arrangements are changed to accommodate guests. Dh and I have slept on an airbed in DC 's room, with both dc in bunk beds, to put up 3 sets of guests.

If you have 4 bedrooms then your parents go in one, sister and children in another, and if dh insists on dsc keeping their rooms then he gives up his and you two sleep on the sofa.

Fairy1303 · 25/11/2013 07:42

At Christmas you bunk down and make do. We do this at my parents - always have done even when I lived at home because that's what you do at christmas.

I absolutely agree that your stepchildren should be made welcome, your year or not. But they should bunk down to give a bed to older 'grown ups' that's what kids are supposed to do.