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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepchildren and Christmas

136 replies

Financeprincess · 23/11/2013 23:46

DH and I have been married for 5 years. He has two children, aged 16 and 19. He was divorced when we met. We have no children of our own.

Since his divorce, he and his ex wife worked it so that the children spent Christmas with one parent and new year with the other, reversing each year (so each parent got them for Christmas Day every other year).

Last year was 'our' year for Christmas. Stepchildren decided to stay until Christmas Day lunchtime, then go to their mum's house for Christmas dinner. Fine by us; they are old enough to decide for themselves.

This year, like last year, we're hosting Christmas for my family. We have 4 bedrooms, including ours. Because the stepchildren were staying last Christmas Eve, I put up my family, at my sole expense (i.e. not jointly with DH) at a local hotel, but unsurprisingly they prefer staying at our house.

DH and I agreed a couple of months ago that we'd host Christmas for my family again, and I assumed that since it wasn't our year for the stepchildren, we could accommodate the family in our house. However, he's announced that the stepchildren want to do the same as last year, and stay in 'their' rooms, meaning that my family have to stay in the hotel again on Christmas Eve, which they don't really want to do and nor do I, really. It feels inhospitable.

I'm annoyed with DH; I think he should have consulted me before changing the long-standing alternating Christmas agreement. He says that it's changed whether I like it or not, that he isn't going to tell his kids that they are unwelcome and that my family should effectively suck it up. AIBU for being annoyed?

DSD is at university far away, so we don't see that much of her. DSS is with us every 2/3 weekends. In my view they don't live with us so it seems a bit much for them to have prior claim on 'their' rooms at the expense of any other guests.

DH's ex wife lives 20 miles away. DSD drives. I don't see why they couldn't drive over on Christmas morning. My family live 100 miles away, and I have a very young (under 5) niece and nephew; I don't think it's fair to suggest that tinies are driven a long way on Christmas morning.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
caramelwaffle · 24/11/2013 07:56

Excellent post by sparkle. I agree, and also with squoosh and satin.

fatfinger · 24/11/2013 07:59

For me the most fun Christmases are multi-generational family affairs with small kids bed-sharing and big kids on camp beds in the hall with the oldest adults having the best beds. So if this was just about bedrooms YANBU, you should move the kids.

The trouble is the original post makes it sound as though it is about more than that. You sound unwelcoming. You talk about his children or the step children, you don't refer to them as my step children. You talk about your family and don't appear to include your husband's children in that. If you were my step mother I'd possibly want to be claiming territory with my Dad.

mrstigs · 24/11/2013 08:03

Great post sparkle

heronsfly · 24/11/2013 08:06

I agree with the last few posters too, we have visitors for Christmas sometimes and my dcs will all sleep on makeshift beds in one room to free up their rooms for visitors, nothimg to do with OPs children being sc its just what families do.

SatinSandals · 24/11/2013 08:08

I think that the problem is that OP doesn't see the step children as part of her family and expects them to be normal visitors as they get older. My DS is 30yrs and if he wants to come home at short notice for Christmas of course he can. However he has to understand that he might not get his 'own' room and he might just have to squash in. His 90yr old granny has first call on a room because she can't manage a camp bed and sleeping bag!

Original poster
Financeprincess · 24/11/2013 08:12

Thanks for the positive responses, especially the very well-articulated one on stepfamilies from sparkle.

In response to fatfinger, I expressed myself as I did for clarity, so that people could understand the post. I had to distinguish between my family and my stepchildren because they are two groups who have been separately invited. You can be assured that they are very much MY stepchildren in normal speech.

OP posts:
Original poster
Financeprincess · 24/11/2013 08:13

Satin, that's not the case at all. The children are very much part of the family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Financeprincess · 24/11/2013 08:17

Anyway, update. Spoke to DH just now about the 'camping out in the sitting room' plan. He grimaced and said, "I'll ask them, but if they don't want to do it we can't make them". I'll be very disappointed in them if they refuse, but I don't think they will when I explain that this is what most families do (thanks to the posters who pointed this out).

OP posts:
SatinSandals · 24/11/2013 08:18

I would make sure that you are the one who asks them so that it is put in the right way.

randomAXEofkindness · 24/11/2013 08:21

I agree that there is nothing wrong with expecting dc's to give up their rooms for visitors - if this wasn't common practice, it would preclude a lot of families from ever having staying guests. The general thinking is that the benefit to the dc's of sharing time with their extended families outweighs the temporary inconvenience of sleeping on an inflatable bed. YANBU to ask your dh's dc's to do this, as long as it is done in a sensitive way.

YABU if you think that your dh should tell his dc's that they can't stay/have to stay with their mother because it isn't convenient for you to have them there. Most loving parents would never do this to their own dc's. I can't imagine ever turning my dc's away, for any reason. I'm sure your dh is chuffed to bits that they have chosen to come and spend the time with him/you off their own backs, they obviously care about you both and enjoy being there, imagine how rejected they would feel to be turned away 'because it isn't convenient'?

VikingVagine · 24/11/2013 08:25

Don't let DH do the asking as he's likely to put a negative spin on it.

It's a delicate situation, and I can see how it must seem unreasonable from both points of view.

I do agree though that regardless of them seeing the rooms as theirs or not, if you have extra guests over, then the beds should go to those who need them most, ie elderly relatives who you wouldn't expect to camp out in a sleeping bag!

Original poster
Financeprincess · 24/11/2013 08:33

Thanks. As I pointed out up thread, I never suggested that the children couldn't come at Christmas. Simply that it wasn't realistic for them to have unchallenged, exclusive rights to a room each when others had already been invited and where they, and DH, had unilaterally changed the long-standing plans without speaking to me first.

In response to some earlier questions, nobody has mentioned this to DSC yet. DH made the arrangements whilst I was away on Friday (not deliberate timing; he happened to speak to DSD on the phone). DSS is with us this weekend so I'll follow the advice and broach the subject myself.

OP posts:
Optimist1 · 24/11/2013 08:36

OP, you don't seem to be taking any pleasure that your stepchildren are choosing to spend "unscheduled" time with you?

In your shoes, I'd be including the stepchildren in the conversation planning the logistics of Christmas Eve sleeping arrangements. Give them the opportunity to volunteer to give up their rooms or share. Let them feel party of your family.

plum100 · 24/11/2013 08:36

I think yes yabu to say the dsc cant stay . However if they are going to stay as its their rooms and you are all just family like any other family i.e no step words here - then they will just have to scooch up just like any other family would - cant have double standards xxx

ApocalypseThen · 24/11/2013 08:41

I guess the trick will be to be positive - delighted to have them, wonderful full house at Christmas, great to have all the family together, such a relief that he's now of an agd where you can ask for help such as with sleeping arrangements...

daisychain01 · 24/11/2013 08:43

Putting anyone "first" is a spectacular red herring.

Successful families should exemplify bend and sway, the ability to be accommodating needs of multiple members of the family.

finance you sound an ultimately sensible person and a caring step mum who is trying to make the best of juggling with people's need as best as you can.

I am sure you will work things out in a balanced way and I hope everyone appreciates your efforts. Hope your Christmas is lovely x

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 24/11/2013 08:46

But what is he going to ask them?

Surely all that needs to be said by you or him is "we are delighted you want to come and stay at Christmas. You will have camp beds/share a room as we also have others staying"

He doesn't need to ask them anything, but sounds like he is already planning on letting them be in charge!

VikingVagine · 24/11/2013 08:49

I think I'd say something alongside the lines of:

"We're really happy that you're coming to ours on Xmas eve this year, it'll be lovely to have you with us at home. I've also invited X so it's going to be a full house, would you be kind enough to give up your bed for them and camp out in the sitting room or share a room with you sister as they're at an age where getting onto and back off an air bed might be a bit tricky!"

CrewElla · 24/11/2013 08:55

YANBU - can his children stay over on camp beds, sofas or the like?

We had both set of grandparents one year which meant that my husband's children (17 & 19 at the time) lost 'their' room and had to sleep on the sofa bed. It's about respect, they are expected to give up 'their' room for older visiting relatives, whether mine or my husband's.

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 24/11/2013 08:55

I dont understand why you need both of their rooms. You have four bedrooms. Give the spare and yours to your family and you and dh sleep in the lounge.

daisychain01 · 24/11/2013 08:56

Reading your few recent posts, finance and DHs grimace, sorry to say he sounds like he is Disney Parenting to me, which is a term coined when a parent panders to the every whim of their children.

IMO you are doing your DSCs a favour if you appeal to their better nature by suggesting it would be very helpful if they can be flexible about sleeping arrangements because there are more family members that you first thought and it will mean a temporary bit of shuffling around just for Christmas Day (or whichever days the family are staying).

I recently made a similar request to my DSS to accommodate my DM staying, and he was fine. Its the way you ask that's key. It's just the right way to behave and it helps form them into less selfish adults who realise the world doesn't centre solely round them, but that they are very loved all the same. Over time my DSS has definitely become less self centred due to these messages.

Hissy · 24/11/2013 08:58

It might ba a good idea to turn all the rooms you have 'free' into guest rooms anyway.

It's not about getting them out of the house, it's about being able to provide flexible guest accommodation, so that you can 'host' at a moment's notice.

My mum did that with our house and it's fine. It's not like they are losing the only room they had in a parent's house.

Ours were our only rooms at 'home' but it was still ok.

You could involve them in the decoration even.

SatinSandals · 24/11/2013 09:16

I don't see why OP needs to sleep in the lounge! The step children were the last to be arranged, they need the lounge.

SatinSandals · 24/11/2013 09:17

You need to put it as said by scarletwoman.

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 24/11/2013 09:18

The step kids are more likely to need their own space with a house full.of people.

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