Stepchildren and Christmas

[Financeprincess]

DH and I have been married for 5 years. He has two children, aged 16 and 19. He was divorced when we met. We have no children of our own.

Since his divorce, he and his ex wife worked it so that the children spent Christmas with one parent and new year with the other, reversing each year (so each parent got them for Christmas Day every other year).

Last year was 'our' year for Christmas. Stepchildren decided to stay until Christmas Day lunchtime, then go to their mum's house for Christmas dinner. Fine by us; they are old enough to decide for themselves.

This year, like last year, we're hosting Christmas for my family. We have 4 bedrooms, including ours. Because the stepchildren were staying last Christmas Eve, I put up my family, at my sole expense (i.e. not jointly with DH) at a local hotel, but unsurprisingly they prefer staying at our house.

DH and I agreed a couple of months ago that we'd host Christmas for my family again, and I assumed that since it wasn't our year for the stepchildren, we could accommodate the family in our house. However, he's announced that the stepchildren want to do the same as last year, and stay in 'their' rooms, meaning that my family have to stay in the hotel again on Christmas Eve, which they don't really want to do and nor do I, really. It feels inhospitable.

I'm annoyed with DH; I think he should have consulted me before changing the long-standing alternating Christmas agreement. He says that it's changed whether I like it or not, that he isn't going to tell his kids that they are unwelcome and that my family should effectively suck it up. AIBU for being annoyed?

DSD is at university far away, so we don't see that much of her. DSS is with us every 2/3 weekends. In my view they don't live with us so it seems a bit much for them to have prior claim on 'their' rooms at the expense of any other guests.

DH's ex wife lives 20 miles away. DSD drives. I don't see why they couldn't drive over on Christmas morning. My family live 100 miles away, and I have a very young (under 5) niece and nephew; I don't think it's fair to suggest that tinies are driven a long way on Christmas morning.

Am I being unreasonable?

And thank you also, 70isalimit.

Yabvu this is your dh children they are not guests.

When I was younger we were expected to give up our beds for visiting relatives and sleep on sofas, camp beds or blow up mattresses. It was all good fun. I would definitely suggest that as an option, the sc (and the young children) sleep on the blow up mattresses for one night, that is all we are talking here.

YANBU.

An existing arrangement has been changed without discussing it with yourself first. You didn't know, you made plans as you have done on previous years and therefore if everyone is to be accommodated the stepchildren will have to budge up and make space, as it would be for any other family.

We have the arrangement you have and due to the complexities of our families (both of us divorced and remarried) we HAVE to stick to the plans made years ago otherwise it leads to arguing and it all creates a big headache. Don't forget that all family member's needs are equally important and your needs cannot just be ridden roughshod over.

No, my family are the guests. The point is that the guests have already been invited but DH and DSC have decided to change the plans. So it's a case of working around that, not calling the whole thing off.

Thank you sparkle and lula. I think a sensible plan is emerging!

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect the kids to give up their beds for relatives. If the kids lived in the house full-time and the relatives were coming to stay, wouldn't that be what happened? That's how it was in my house growing up; my brother and I slept on the couch, the older relatives slept in our rooms. Everyone gets to stay.

Well, we will have 13 in our house over Christmas. In fact, DH and I are giving up our bed for my DDad and DSM, and sleeping on an airbed in the living room, and the DCs will be bunking up in the playroom with their cousins. It's part of the fun of Christmas! The important thing is not to make anyone feel unwelcome.

At 16 the younger one is still far more of a child than an adult so for his father to say "sorry, you cant stay, I had you last year" will hurt him a lot. Also, as they are getting older the arrangements are going to change because this has nothing to do with the mother anymore. They are old enough to decide what they want to do and you as the adult will have to accomodate that, you agreed to that when you married a man with children.

However, I would be suggesting a compromise along the lines of them sharing a room so that they get their private space, but also frees up a room for other guests.

At the end of the day it is his home too and as his children, he will (and should) always give them priority over other people.

yabvu.

Of course they have their own rooms at two seperate houses. You seem to be under the impression that's some sort of great luxury. I can assure you being brought up in a happy family by two parents who stayed together is a far greater luxury.

Of course you can ask them to give up their rooms and sleep on floors, but tbh suggesting that they can't stay when they want to just makes you sound not very thoughtful.

He's their dad, and they were there first. Deal with it.

Thanks. To be clear, I didn't suggest initially that they couldn't come at Christmas. Simply that it wouldn't be straightforward for them to have their own rooms and that they could consider driving over on Christmas morning instead. I'm sold on the camping out in the sitting room plan now!

Also, for the avoidance of doubt, it was having prior claim to two rooms, simultaneously, AT THE DROP OF A HAT that I wasn't in favour of.

Marrying somebody who has children doesn't mean that the children get to call the shots all the time. They have to compromise too. If we'd arranged to have friends staying for a weekend in the summer and DSS called after they'd arrived to announce that he wanted to stay that night, would I turf our friends out? No. I'd expect DSS to sleep in the sitting room.

Many a time in my parents house we had people in all three bedrooms and people sleeping in the lounge and the dining room. I do think they should have a room at yours until they no longer want them but, just as if they lived full time with you, there is no harm in asking them to give up the room for a guest.

If it was the other way round and your step children were meant to stay for Christmas this year but you said to your DH "I've changed it round, my family are staying"

What would he say?

Last year you put your family up in a hotel. You worked it out to accomodate everyone.

This year is their New Year year.

YANBU it is good manners for the young, fit and healthy with no SN to camp out allowing older or inform relatives to use their rooms. If they were both your bio DCs it wouldn't even be up for discussion.

My last house was in a lovely spot so people wanted to visit all the time. I had my lovely bedroom and a chair bed in my study. I slept on the chair bed every single time as that is just good manners. I still have a room at my parents but the last few times I stayed I have been on the uncomfortable sofa bed as elderly relatives or family with young children have also been staying. I was hoiked out frequently during my teens too. It never bothered me and does not mean you are unwelcome, just part of a normal family. As long as they have their own space the majority of the time then sacrificing it for a small time is no bother. If your DH disagrees maybe point out that you are treating the step children how you would treat your own children and not as guests in their home.

Marrying somebody who has children doesn't mean that the children get to call the shots all the time

No, but it does mean that the parent, your DH, does get to say "my children will come first" and as I said, you signed up to that when you married him. You do not get to decamp them to the lounge floor, your DH may, but you may not.

'No, but it does mean that the parent, your DH, does get to say "my children will come first" and as I said, you signed up to that when you married him. You do not get to decamp them to the lounge floor, your DH may, but you may not.'

Good grief, you act as though she is turning two unshodden toddlers out into the snow. We are talking about a 16 year old and a 19 year old. They are all part of the same family unit and she most definitely should be able to say 'can't wait to see you at Christmas, as you know my family will be here so hope you don't mind but you guys will be sleeping on makeshift beds downstairs for a couple of nights'.

Oh the unjustice!

Have you or DH asked the skids about this?

Or has your DH decided this on your behalf? And theirs?

I would have to disagree with you there Bogeyface.

By marrying a person with children it doesn't mean that person signed up to anything other than the vows they make to each other. There is no contract signed stating how the step parent shall behave in relation to the stepchildren, there is nothing anywhere that governs how much or how little a step parent should be involved in their step children's lives. The only understanding made that day is the committment each adult is making to the other in cementing their relationship. The level of involvement with stepchildren is all down to how valued everyone feels in the situation and that value increases by the level of respect shown by all parties to each other - not just the children. It's an acceptance that things have changed, things are different and new but that everyone has a place in the new family and they are valued. Treading roughshod over one person and telling them to suck it up is not treating them with respect.

I know people whose blended family setup works amazingly because everyone just gets on and they have clicked but equally I know blended families where the setup has collapsed spectacularly because of the whole 'children need to be considered over and above everyone else' and people begin to feel pushed out and devalued in their own lives. I know of a father who has to go and visit his children elsewhere other than his new marital home because the stepchildren are appallingly rude to their stepmother in her own home no matter what their father says to them and, quite rightly, she won't accept it. Bio parents wouldn't accept it, relatives wouldn't accept it, teachers wouldn't accept it, so why should step mothers accept it?

There is this whole 'you knew what you were getting when you married him' as if the step parent (who may also have their own children to be equally considered) becomes subservient and less important in the family the day they legally become a step-parent. There is also a huge assumption that step parents (step mothers in particular) should take any old crap and abuse thrown at them which is unacceptable for anyone to put up with.

Where children live with both parents and this situation arises they would just have to move over and budge up. Often in those households too there is one parent that manages the running of the household and children. It's the same in a blended family household. I think that the thinking you are pushing is a way of excluding the stepmother yet at the same time blaming her for somehow creating the situation when in fact it is down to the husband for changing the plans with discussing it with his wife first, regardless of whether they are her children or not.

Just my tuppenceworth.

Sparkle I agree wholeheartedly with your tuppenceworth.

Excellent post sparkle. Op has anyone asked the stepkids if they will drive over on the morning? Is going to be a half hour drive or thereabouts. Had anyone explained the situation to them?

Surely it's part of life to have to accommodate other humans in the house? Just because you are a step child; doesn't mean no other family can come and stay ever in case you decide to change your plans and want to sleep there.

My DSD mucks in when the family come to stay; if she was too precious about her room then no family could stay ever. Which means less fun at holidays. They might be coming just because there will be lots of family there and if they are unhappy about it; they can drive back home and come back in the morning surely?

My children come first, if they want to come to their home for Christmas then they do, they are not visitors. However they have to do what families do when they have extra guests and possibly sleep on a camp bed in the lounge for a night.