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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not work full time?

138 replies

notnagging · 23/11/2013 17:23

If I did we would be approx £300 a month better off after childcare. But I really don't want to! Dh thinks I'm being unreasonable ( not in a ltb way) I just don't think money is as important as my sanity or spending time with my kids. The youngest is 15mths and I have 4 more in school. I was off for a year with my youngest and reduced from 3 1/2 to 3 days, plus I get 12 weeks holiday because I work in a school.even when youngest starts school i still don't want to be full time. Dh works weekends and a day off in the work is actually saving my sanity! But on the flip side we can't afford luxuries, live quite frugally & drive old bangers. Dh says if I do increase my hours we can afford to live better. What do you think?

OP posts:
cantthinkofagoodone · 23/11/2013 17:28

If ends meet and you're happier to spend the time with your kids then stay as you are. How much happier will the luxuries make you all?

I'd do evening temporary work to have additional holiday money for example but I only have one dc. Your plate is a lot more full!

Original poster
notnagging · 23/11/2013 17:30

I am going to do additional hours up to Christmas & dh will look after the youngest whilst I am at work. I might increase it by half a day after Christmas but don't see the point in doing anymore with the cost of childcare.

OP posts:
PumpkinPie2013 · 23/11/2013 17:31

Difficult to say without knowing you personally but £300 is quite a bit extra and you could afford a few luxuries if you had that.

Would doing 4 days be an option? That way you still get a day off in the week?

Could you do a temporary trial of 4 or 5 days to see how it goes?

You say your DH works weekends - does he get a day off in the week? If so could he do childcare that day to keep costs down and ensure your youngest still gets the same time with a parent?

I suppose it's a case of weighing up the benefits of the extra money with your current situation.

Wossname · 23/11/2013 17:34

I think 5 kids, part time work and, I assume, most of the housework is a fair amount of stuff to do.

Retropear · 23/11/2013 17:34

Nope

Sorry luxuries as opposed to spending time with your child which you want to do.Bitof a no bainer imvho.

When they're stroppy teenagers you'll have all the time in the world for luxuries.

Original poster
notnagging · 23/11/2013 17:36

I don't think he'll be able to get the same day off a week. He does shifts. That would be ideal but we tried it and dh did not like being at home. Doesn't mind childcare though.Hmm

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 23/11/2013 17:43

Depends on how many hours he works, if he is full time and would prefer you to be the same then he is not being unreasonable.

Where one adult works full time and the other doesnt it has to be by mutual agreement. Its a lot of pressue to be the main earner, even more so if only just covering the bills and having no extras.

Shonajoy · 23/11/2013 17:43

When they're stroppy teenagers sometimes they need you even more. I work part time, three 7 hour shifts a week, and I wouldn't change it unless I had to. It's perfect cos I'm home every day I work at 2pm, so can see the kids when they come in from uni. It's your call- how much difference would £300 make?

Writerwannabe83 · 23/11/2013 17:45

There's more to life than money and luxuries and with that many children I think you deserve some 'Down Time' [ smile]

ReallyTired · 23/11/2013 17:46

You said it yourself. Your youngest is 15 months and really a baby. Plenty of women with a young toddler choose not to work at all. The early years go by so fast that I think it would be sad to work full time if you can afford to be part time.

redskyatnight · 23/11/2013 18:21

It sounds like there is not much "fat" in the family budget if you can't afford luxuries.
How would you cope if you had a sudden expense? Can you cope with rising prices (which tend to rise faster than wages)?

Original poster
notnagging · 23/11/2013 18:30

Yes we struggle with emergencies & have only just managed to pay off some debts. I think he does resent the fact that he works long hours & I don't. He does most of the early school runs and doesn't get nearly as much holiday as me. He feels pressure to get a better job. I think I should at least wait until youngest gets childcare entitlement then the take home pay difference would be alot more.

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 23/11/2013 18:46

He sounds unhappy and you are unwilling to help change that when you could. Part time in a school tem time only is not that many actual working hours and even after paying childcare you would be lots better off and it would ease the pressure he feels. There would still be plenty of hours in the evening, the whole weekend and all the holidays.

If he did the same and dropped his hours to match yours i doubt you would be happy. Relationships are about working together, not one adult doing as they please whilst the other has to out up with it.

LadyAlconleigh · 23/11/2013 18:48

Do you actually have a real offer in hand, or is this something you would have go and look for?

specialsubject · 23/11/2013 18:49

do you want the luxuries you can't afford?

I can't afford spa days, lots of new clothes, tons of slap, sparkly tat, lots of nights out. To do so I would need a full time job. And I also drive an old car which needs money thrown at it every year.

suits me fine.

MorgauseIsNotBlinking · 23/11/2013 18:50

YAB a bit U. £300 would take some pressure off your DP.

Beastofburden · 23/11/2013 19:51

I think happy mummy has a point. Your DH is feeling the strain. you are enjoying the company of lots of lovely children and you have a less stressed job. He may feel that he didn't really sign up for weekend and shift working under stress, and it's your turn to take a bit more of the strain financially.

Your point about waiting till the youngest gets childcare makes no sense. There's some profit now, which would help your DH, the fact that there will be more profit later is not a reason to wait.

A cautionary tale, my friend had six kids and adored it. Her DH did all the earning under a load of stress. He wasnt really sure about having number six but she loved babies so much she couldnt resist.

he left her.

BenNJerry · 23/11/2013 20:05

I don't think YABU. I work part time. I do 3 days in the week plus the majority of Saturdays, DH is off at the weekends so that saves a day of childcare pay. Is this an option for you?

Although I have to say, this works out the best financially for us anyway though, as if I worked full time I would go into the next tax band plus lose the little help I get towards childcare so we'd be slightly worse off. Maybe if I took home more I would be tempted to work full time.

ReallyTired · 23/11/2013 20:08

"ur DH is feeling the strain. you are enjoying the company of lots of lovely children and you have a less stressed job. "

Ha! Ha! I suspect the OP is a teacher!

Prehaps a compromise is for the OP to up her hours when her youngest is slightly older and has more resistance to germs.

changeforthebetter · 23/11/2013 20:09

And what happens when one of your children is ill or needs some other attention?

£300 is a lot of money but the stress may not be worth it if you can manage without it. Working FT and cramming everything into weekends is pretty miserable IMHO (what I do) but each to their own.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/11/2013 20:12

how do you spilt the housework atm?

scottishmummy · 23/11/2013 20:16

I think you want to faff about pt leaving dh to bear the responsibility of being sole ft worker
You know he'd prefer you work,you know the money be useful,and you can't be bothered
Is your relationship an equal partnership or do you think he's a nan he should provide

Beastofburden · 23/11/2013 20:26

The thing is, on MN you will get a range of views but it won't be easy to tell if you are really BU from that. People come from their own experience and they may have very different financial situations.

If you are well qualified enough to cover the childcare and make a profit, then it can be one of the most expensive things a family can do, choosing to have one parent at home. Not saying there aren't a lot of non financial reasons to do it, if you can afford it without placing an unreasonable burden on the earning partner. But it is, just is, a very expensive thing to do. It's expensive now, and it costs later when your pension is crap.

I am fairly influenced by the fact that your DH, who sounds a good bloke, thinks it would be fair for you to carry more of the financial burden.

HappyMummyOfOne · 23/11/2013 20:34

I dread DS growing up sometimes and hope more than anything that he meets a career girl rather than one who thinks a man should work all hiurs whilst she chooses to do what she fancies regardless of his views.

He works long hours and wants some nice extas as a result of that but needs you to pull your weight too financially. Saying you dont want to now or in the future makes you sound spoilt and little respect for his views.

If this was posted by a WOHM with a part time husband, he would be branded lazy and she would be told to kick him into shape etc.

MrsGarlic · 23/11/2013 20:34

Just my opinion but I feel our household works better when one of us is at home either full or part time. With one of us taking main responsibility for running the household, everything goes a lot more smoothly - yes things do get done (eventually) when both of us work out of the home full time but it's more than double the stress for us.

I suspect, especially with 5 kids, that working part time enables you to pick up a lot of the unseen organisation as well as actual housework.

I do see your DH's point, but I wonder if you are actually doing more than he sees. Perhaps he would feel less like he is taking on all the work if you were able to explain to him what you do.

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