To not work full time?

[notnagging]

If I did we would be approx £300 a month better off after childcare. But I really don't want to! Dh thinks I'm being unreasonable ( not in a ltb way) I just don't think money is as important as my sanity or spending time with my kids. The youngest is 15mths and I have 4 more in school. I was off for a year with my youngest and reduced from 3 1/2 to 3 days, plus I get 12 weeks holiday because I work in a school.even when youngest starts school i still don't want to be full time. Dh works weekends and a day off in the work is actually saving my sanity! But on the flip side we can't afford luxuries, live quite frugally & drive old bangers. Dh says if I do increase my hours we can afford to live better. What do you think?

This - ''Who would pillory a bloke who worked 3 days in a school behaviour unit while doing the housework and looking after 5 children on the other days,including on his own at weekends.'' Not me, that's for sure.

I would not go FT IIWY - up a bit maybe. He's not that stressed if he doesn't to take the offer of reducing his ours. He just wants more money bringing in. I have a good friend in your line of work and I know how very draining it can be - she's getting pretty burnt out FT and badly needt to go PT.

I don't think it's a case of 'if one parent is stressed then both should be'. Having a stressed parent is not good for children, whether its mum or dad or both.

Obviously you can't eliminate all stress from life, and with 5 children life is likely to be challenging and place restrictions in certain ways.

The point is rather that couples should work as a team and find a way which suits them with the least stress to both partners. For many couples this means one person not having to carry the whole financial burden, often at the expense of time with the children because then they miss out, and equally, the caring and domestic role doesn't fall completely to the other person at the expense of their career and their own down time. Where it functions well for one couple to be sole earner and one to not work is when they have truly worked things through together and aren't harbouring resentments and feeling the other person has the better deal.

However in this case it seems there is a far bigger problem in the relationship than hours worked: it looks like a total mismatch of expectations. If the DH is seriously not prepared to take his share of childcare if the OP works more, and all he's interested in is buying designer clothes and fast cars then he sounds a bit of an idiot. I fail to see why people have children (never mind 5!) when there is such a difference in values and expectations.

I know two mums (out of everyone I know!) who work full time. One of them is now on long term sick, partly due to trying to hold it all together with a child, full time job and a husband on night shifts. The other is a high flying solicitor who, after 16 years in law has just packed it I to get a "little" part time job as, After two years full time, has said her family nearly fell apart and she never saw her girls. The full time (she was part time until two years ago) has actually driven her to jack her whole career in! Don't do it!

this thread reminds me on an article I read a couple of years ago about women wanting and having large families and then complaining they got no 'me time'. I am not saying that is my view but it made interesting reading.

How would you feel if your DH wanted to go part time and reduce his earnings by £300 a month? If you would be happy with that then I think YANBU. If you expect him to stay full time, while you get to work part time, then I think YABU.

If three hundred quid isn't chump change to your family, then I think that you are being a bit selfish.

Thanks for your replies. Well today is Dhs 'day off'. I asked him to see to the Holstein this morning so I could do some work & he moaned. He hen said he had a headache at 12 & went to bed where he still is now
So that has very much made up my mind to increase to 3 1/2 days but no more.in my job that will be the same wage as dh earns full time so he can't moan about that. I usually do my planning after the kids have gone to bed or on my 'day off'. So if im earning the same as him & doing everything at home he can't really complain. Like you've said we hose to have 5 kids and we need to get the balance right. Dh also wanted more if we could afford it! I seriously don't think id be able to do it full time. That's not because I'm not willing to try but more because I know how much I don't get done at the moment.

Holstein?! Children!!

good for you for making the decision.

He sounds very selfish, glad you have made a decision.
I wouldn't do everything at home though unless I was a SAHM and even then DH does a lot of stuff with the kids when he is off. I would do much less hours if I was in your position because there is so much to do at home.

This isn't a thread about having 5kids oh woe ,it's a she doesn't want to go ft thread
I suggest they compile list of family tasks,be more prudent if finance tight
And if he profligate I'd suggest they get separate accounts.and she maintain her own

No,it's not the 5kids it's their fundamental mismatch in approach to finances,etc
She won't work ft,he wants her to.they'll probably come to some compromise
They'd probably have same ideological mismatch issue 3or 5kids

Glad you agree,no it's not solely about the 5kids.its a mismatch in approach

Op, mumsnet might not be be best place to collect views on this subject. On Mumsnet, most seem to work full time with nannies or house husbands.
Where I live (Small town in commuter area) I only know one person who worked fulltime and they're know divorced and moved back to parents town...it's not sexist to want to spend more time with your kids, it's totally normal. If a wohm came on here complaining that she didn't want to reduce her hours and was happy being in the office fulltime, 99% of people would agree and support. And if anyone came in and asked her why she didn't want to spend more time with her kids, everyone would pile in and tell the nasty unsupportive poster to shut up. And why the assumption that men hate being sole provider???! Most men understand the exorbitant cost of daycare and acknowledge the benefit of a sahm/part time work, if they can afford it.
The louder people about about their great joy at working fulltime, the less they convince themselves, or me. I wonder how many would be taking a step back if they could afford it? Most would, if studies (which report that over 95% of women want to work no more than part time) are true.

Good decision op, I can't see how it's optimal for both parents to work ft since having dc, there is just to much non work stuff that needs gone done. As you say, your earnings are both equal now...

I think you sound like a saint, op, and if he does absolutely nothing round the house at all, wtf should you up your hours?! You're working full time already, in fact, 24/7. I bet you dont take to your bed for three hours in the afternoon because you have a headache.

Stop blathering on about "down time", scottushmummy. When exactly does a mum of 5, who works 3 days/week in a demanding job which also includes working at home, get any down time?! The husband, on the other hand, seems to get down time (see paragraph above).

I think it sounds like your DH wants everything, the large family, the large wage, but while still having the benefit of a DW who does the childcare and the housework, if you sacrifice time at home ot earn more, that's time he has to make up, looking after the DCs and doing housework.

I'd talk to him about his disappearing act today. He needs to step up and do stuff, or shut up about your work load.

I don't think there's anything sexist about wanting to spend time with ones children... Because I think many mums and dads feel this way.

The cost of living is exorbitant, I agree. Personally I think the way forward that an increasing number of couples is going to find, is to both share more of the earning and home/ child responsibilities. There is no right or wrong, it's up to couples to agree, but my gut feeling is that many people don't see this huge divide between male and female roles, particularly since ML is now so long that recovery from birth and bf are no longer factors in keeping women at home. I suspect in the future it will be more common to see couples not giving up work completely, but not necessarily striving to 'have it all' and climb the greasy pole

Unless you have 5 DC you have no idea of the juggling and general chaos involved! Even as a SAHM I am knackered!

Unless you have 5 DC you have no idea of the juggling and general chaos involved! Even as a SAHM I am knackered!

I can imagine! I have a toddler and second due at Christmas. Teaching p/t hopefully as far up to due date as possible but am in bed at ten every night exhausted :)

Can't imagine five but I think the OP is doing the sensible thing!