To not work full time?

[notnagging]

If I did we would be approx £300 a month better off after childcare. But I really don't want to! Dh thinks I'm being unreasonable ( not in a ltb way) I just don't think money is as important as my sanity or spending time with my kids. The youngest is 15mths and I have 4 more in school. I was off for a year with my youngest and reduced from 3 1/2 to 3 days, plus I get 12 weeks holiday because I work in a school.even when youngest starts school i still don't want to be full time. Dh works weekends and a day off in the work is actually saving my sanity! But on the flip side we can't afford luxuries, live quite frugally & drive old bangers. Dh says if I do increase my hours we can afford to live better. What do you think?

Thankyou
Dh is VERY materialistic & spends money like water. I'm a bit more cautious and do all the budgeting so we don't get into any more debt. I think he feels that if I did work more he could have a bit more spending money to himself. I doubt the thought of saving it as a buffer even came into his head!

When my DDs were younger I stopped full-time work and went part-time, then self-employed. Not something Id envisioned doing once Id had DCs but I found I wanted to spend time with them more than anything, be able to go to all their school events, be there when they came home from school etc. & that to me was worth more than money. Now theyre grown up Im still self-employed. My DP works pretty long hours I dont want to be doing that too. I dont think YABU at all, both partners working full-time isnt everything. You're not starving, are you? You work part-time and have 5 children so Im pretty sure however your relationship works, you are already doing your fair share in different ways and are not exactly lazy.

You said you live frugally!

Thankyou mistressdeecee. I agree I need to work a bit more but not full time. He also needs to think about what I do when I'm not at work.

Yes we do! We drive old cars, don't get takeaways often and hardly ever get new clothes. I cook mostly from scratch and boys have packed lunches. Dh would like to change all these things. He wants a Mercedes, a designer wardobe, to eat out all the time, a new house. All things he imagines will happen if we didn't pay childcare & I worked full time!

We are going through the exact same situation now.

I am main earner, work full time, pay everything and DP was unemployed.

I nagged and nagged him to get a job as I hated the responsibility.

He got one.

We were about £400 a month better off after childcare and travel costs. DH felt he 'deserved' this money and more as he was working full time. I found myself having to do early morning drop offs which added more stress to my job, and lots more housework.

Then DS was sick and we argued over who should miss work.

For the extra few hundred pounds ( and believe me we really need it), I really don't think it's worth it. I say this as the DH in your situation. I have surprised myself as I would NEVER have thought I'd come to this conclusion.

Thankyou hegrewwhiskers.
I'm coming to the conclusion that it is not worth working full time. 3 1/2, max 4 days maybe but I am the one that does most if the things in the house as well. It is just not worth my sanity.

It sounds to me as if you do plenty. Having 5 children must create alot of work. I definitely wouldn't increase my hours if I were you. It doesn't sound as if you actually need to and it also sounds like you do more than your share. I've worked various combinations of part time since having Dd even when I was a single parent. My job pays ok and I knew I'd only have one child so I was determined not to miss out on her growing up. I'm like you in that I'm the frugal one in our relationship so can easily and happily live simply.

That last point illustrates how these things are not a case of right or wrong- it's a case of both partners being honest and open and fair. For the partner who suddenly starts working to feel that more of the spare cash belongs to them as some kind of reward for doing what the other partner is already doing, is illogical and stupid.

There have been a lot of this type of thread lately and the bottom line is: TALK to your partner and be HONEST. Then keep talking until you have negotiated a situation that works for your family.

If you are in a relationship where you both want a balance of work and home, then there may be compromises on things like promotions. Eg because DH and I have always both worked, we've had to consider one another's careers and can't just each chase promotions which might mean moving too far away. We've also both had to share cooking, cleaning, nursery drops and on the occasions the children were ill we would alternate days off to care for them. (apart from when i worked part time for a few years and obviously did more around the house then.)

I'm not suggesting everyone else should do this just because it works for us. It suits some couples to have quite polarised roles with one doing all the earning and the other being a SAHP.

The key is to ensure both partners are happy with the deal, and then to not moan about your situation.

On the face of it, it seemed at first that the OP here was being unreasonable because it sounded like her DH was trying to tell her that he wasnt happy with having the greater earning responsibility and that he wanted to renegotiate. From later posts it seems she's saying he wants more money for a Merc and designer clothes and wouldn't step up and do more childcare anyway
Seems to me there are bigger problems here than just the hours worked!! And why a couple have five children without talking these things through... Weird.

It's obviously the season on MN for lots of posts on this subject. I don't think the answers are that difficult to find. Talk. Negotiate. And for goodness sake when you make the most life changing decision you'll ever make- ie to have kids- do it with someone who shares your fundamental views about family.

I'd only agree to it if part of that extra £300 was spent on a weekly cleaner, you shouldn't be using your days off to clean if he uses his to recover/recharge.

I haven't read all the thread, mnet seems to keep erroring and messing up the message formats so i can't read properly. Anyone else having issues?

I think you and your DH both need to be on board with this choice OP. If he feels that his time with the DCs is compromised in favor of you getting more then that's very unfair. If it's money then sit down, work out the sums and see what his views are then.

But you both need to be on board. I know someone who became a SAHM, putting everything on her partner when they'd agreed for her to go back part time. She refused to even work part time when her DC was in school and her DH just couldn't do anymore work, he was working all hours of the day and barely had time to see his DC. He came so close to a breakdown and ended up off work sick with stress. She showed her selfish colours by screaming at him that he was letting them down badly when actually he'd been the one to make all the choices and let down. Unsurprisingly they broke up, she is still a STAHP when the child is nearly a teen but the dad gets him several times a week and at weekends and a much a better relationship with his son .

Would you be in a better financial position once your youngest is 3 or 2 and a half or whenever the nursery funding starts. Could you stay the same then knowing you will be a bit better of then. I agree about the cleaner but i have a funny feeling your husband would not be happy with that. Perhaps up your days until you earn more or less equal salaries and tell him if he chose a big family over designer clothes so there you go.

When on earth do you fit your planning in OP? Do you do most of the domestic duties as well?

Would it help if you occasionally did extra supply days or would childcare be too complicated?

If you can manage (and you're the one managing the budget) till your daughter goes to nursery I think you should carry on as you are.

I agree with NannyOgg

Also a move to full time would only work if your DH is prepared to change things to give an even split of everything else that needs to be done (with 5 children I imagine plenty!)

Not that it's representative, but FWIW no one I know with 4 or more children work full time. Some do p/t and some don't but their days seem pretty well full up to me!

I should say, no mum I know, although in one case mum works f/t but dad does p/t.

I'd say both work ft,and equitably share tasks,make a list check it's fair
you've got the longer summer holidays for this apparent downtime women need
And the extra money will be useful,and your employer can offer the extra hours

Spend the time with your dcs, you only get one chance at this

And you can crack on with working more hours 2when they are older

Enjoy it op and don't feel guilty

From what I'm reading op doesn't get any downtime at all

She does the bulk of childcare during the week as dh works long hours.

She does all the childcare on the weekends as dh is working.

She spends the 2 days that she doesn't work doing childcare for her youngest dc and the bulk of the housework.

On her 12 weeks holiday a year she does childcare for 5 children! And diy!

Yadnbu to not go full time. Your dh needs to see how much you do already and start helping more. Why is it he cannot get at least one weekend day of every week (or at least every couple of weeks)? When do you get a chance for family time? He should also be dedicating large chunks of his downtime to childcare and household chores.

I think YAB a bit U. Provided of course your DH is willing to pull his weight with household stuff you should be willing to pull your weight financially.

Let me get this right, you have five children, do pretty much everything at home AND he wants you to work full time?

I think I would have two words for him... FUCK.OFF.

If he wants to drive a Mercedes and own a wardrobe of designer clothes then tell HIM to get his finger out and get a better paying job. He sounds like a moron.

Well the 5kids is neither here nor there seeing you both chose it
You work pt,so yes should do more tasks as you're not working ft role
If you both work ft then look at all tasks equitably, and plan how be be prudent with finances

agree with whereiseveryone

'Dh is VERY materialistic & spends money like water. I'm a bit more cautious and do all the budgeting so we don't get into any more debt. I think he feels that if I did work more he could have a bit more spending money to himself. I doubt the thought of saving it as a buffer even came into his head!'

I have a friend with a DH like this. She got more hours and his spending just increased on himself by that amount. Surely that is selfish, wouldn't you want what is best for your kids frist, at least one less stressed parent and a parent around more?

bit selfish to say both should be stressed if one is. 5 kids is pretty much f/t in itself, it's chaos (I have 5).