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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not work full time?

138 replies

notnagging · 23/11/2013 17:23

If I did we would be approx £300 a month better off after childcare. But I really don't want to! Dh thinks I'm being unreasonable ( not in a ltb way) I just don't think money is as important as my sanity or spending time with my kids. The youngest is 15mths and I have 4 more in school. I was off for a year with my youngest and reduced from 3 1/2 to 3 days, plus I get 12 weeks holiday because I work in a school.even when youngest starts school i still don't want to be full time. Dh works weekends and a day off in the work is actually saving my sanity! But on the flip side we can't afford luxuries, live quite frugally & drive old bangers. Dh says if I do increase my hours we can afford to live better. What do you think?

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 23/11/2013 21:52

Functional couples don't solely do what's individually beneficial,they act as a unit
They do what's mutually beneficial.its simply not fair to suit oneself leaving partner stressed
The gender thing seems to be a block to many of you,as in home needs the woman.man work ft

amazingness · 23/11/2013 21:54

I meant - youre doing all the above and yet youre STILL getting pressure from DH to keep up your hours/do more? Or have i missed something?

scottishmummy · 23/11/2013 22:01

All what?shes off more than him and off 12week in summer

amazingness · 23/11/2013 22:14

he works weekends, she works THREE days...did i miss something?
12 weeks in summer is not holiday for her - it's unpaid childcare/household chores/taking kids to activities/dealing with kid issues etc

LadyAlconleigh · 23/11/2013 22:20

OP - you have 5 kids! Did this discussion never come up before now?

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops · 23/11/2013 22:27

You say your DH does the morni g school run too - couldn't you do it so he at least has a less stressful run in to work?

Original poster

notnagging · 23/11/2013 22:36

Yes okay I am a teacher I work in a behaviour unit. I'm worried working full time would drive me nuts, especially when I have my kids by myself all weekend. The only peace I get is the 40min drive to work or when I go to the toilet! But I will try working full time up to Christmas and see how that goes. Work have always asked me to work full time & I've said no. I guess in worried I won't be able to handle it & feel guilty on my kids.

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 23/11/2013 22:38

Why would the burden of work or parental guilt be harder upon you as opposed to dh

Original poster

notnagging · 23/11/2013 22:39

I think 'faf about' is abit harsh scottishmummy. I wish I had time to faff about. It's a nightmare trying to do everything at the weekends. My days off are spent catching up on housework, shopping etc whilst trying to spend time with youngest ds. I had twins that nearly made me have a breakdown. I guess I'm scared to go back to that.

OP posts:

amazingness · 23/11/2013 22:43

OP you dont need to apologise to anyone here. you are raising 5 kids, plus working with kids with behavioural difficulties if that's correct?

cut yourself some slack!!

what is it on MN this weekend with threads about DH's wanting their partners to DO MORE? when in reality i bet if you wrote down your daily timetable in bullet points & stuck it on the fridge for a week, perhaps DH may notice it & SEE all you doo all week

scottishmummy · 23/11/2013 22:45

Of course you're getting alltheweekclothes fluffy slack and downtime because you're female
Man posting same situation,who was reluctant to work but his wife did work
That man would get pilloried.youre benefiting from stereotypes of home is female domain,women need downtime

Original poster

notnagging · 23/11/2013 22:47

Exactly ladyonconleigh
I sort out all the bills, washing, housework, school related things, food shopping, clothes shopping. Dh does not remember to do much and gets days off during the week if he is working weekends. He has always said he does not want to reduce his hours, work part time or be responsible for childcare. I have suggested this to him as I have more earning potential. He did try staying at home with youngest ds when I went back to work but didn't enjoy it at all.

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 23/11/2013 22:47

Of course you're getting responses females need slack and downtime because you're female
Man posting same situation,who was reluctant to work but his wife did work
That man would get pilloried.youre benefiting from stereotypes of home is female domain,women need downtime

LifeHuh · 23/11/2013 22:52

"Functional couples don't solely do what's individually beneficial,they act as a unit
They do what's mutually beneficial.its simply not fair to suit oneself leaving partner stressed"

Yes,sm - I agree - but I don't agree that both partners working full time is necessarily mutually beneficial. And suiting yourself and leaving your partner stressed can work both ways too. I can't see from OP's posts how stressed/unhappy he is - she says he resents working longer hours but doesn't like being the at home parent. Even if he is stressed,OP working more may make him happy and her stressed - is that better?(and will he be less stressed when he is still working full time but also presumably doing more household work? Unless that is split 50/50 now which isn't fair...)

And I don't care which is the man/woman.Don't think women should be at home,men should work full time but also don't think everyone should work full time regardless which sometimes seems to be the argument here.

Original poster

notnagging · 23/11/2013 22:53

Thankyou amazingness
I will see how it goes working full time up to Christmas. I suspect I'll be knackered & no good to anyone but hey. I work very hard & the kids I teach are very intense. It's an SEN school so you spend all day with them including lunch and break. My kids have said they don't want me to work full time. They like me picking them up from school, being able to take them to clubs and generally have some time for them individually. But I suppose as they get older they will need financing more. I guess I'm scare of turning into my mum. She worked all hours, night shifts included. I hated coming home to dinner in the oven & not seeing her until the next morning, sometimes staying at babysitters so she could work. My dad was made redundant and was always at home. I didn't have a good relationship with either of them. I don't want that to be our story. But I guess I spend a lot of time with them in the holidays. It's a difficult decision

OP posts:

Original poster

notnagging · 23/11/2013 22:59

If I increase my hours to 3 1/2 days I'll be earning nearly the same as him working full time. I will definitely do that but think I would struggle to get everything done if I didn't have a day at home during the week. I had really bad pnd after the twins when I worked full time. I guess I need to stop being scared of going back to that. I am better equipped to deal with it know.

OP posts:

jellybeans · 23/11/2013 23:00

I know very few couples who both work full time. When they do they have loads of family help usually. It benefits the child to see more of a parent surely? And if at least one parent is less stressed? Why are some people so obsesses with everyone having to do equal for the sake of a very narrow view of gender equality? Is it just because you feel we should all make the same choice as you so no one feels bad?

'youre benefiting from stereotypes of home is female domain,women need downtime'

Are you saying then that work is a bad thing? If benefiting is staying home/working less hours? Is there a magic cut off point between working not enough and enough hours? Is 0 hours paid work very lazy and 20 a bit lazy and 40 'the right thing'. What is 'full time' anyway and who decided on it?

I agree with the earlier poster that said why should the fathers wants outweigh the mothers.

And although some hardline posters (who generally always say the same stuff on these threads) don't like to admit it, usually it is the mother who wants to stay at home. Survey after survey shows it. Most Mums want to work part time. I know few fathers who want to stay home but loads of mums who do.

I've got an idea. Why doesn't each family do what is right for them!!! Certain posters would always recommend full time no matter what the situation!

Pearlsaplenty · 23/11/2013 23:01

op since dh get 'days' off midweek then you are definitely not being unreasonable! (I though he just had one day off!)

Your job does not sound like an ordinary 'job' it sounds very difficult.

You need to sit down and talk to dh about what exactly you are doing at present and how increasing your days will not be worth the £300/month. Also he needs to accept this as he is unwilling to change what he does in regards to childcare/housework.

LifeHuh · 23/11/2013 23:01

Who would pillory a bloke who worked 3 days in a school behaviour unit while doing the housework and looking after 5 children on the other days,including on his own at weekends.Men get pilloried in the situations where they are at home,not looking for work - and crucially not contributing to the family in other ways either. That isn't the OP - whose DH just wants her to bring in more money.
He isn't wanting any other compromise which would leave him working less and at home more,from what OP says.

OP - have you discussed who would do what at home if you were working full time?

amazingness · 23/11/2013 23:02

'He did try staying at home with youngest ds when I went back to work but didn't enjoy it at all.'

says it all - yes he wants you to bring in more bacon, but clearly wants childcare sorted outside the home too. Why the hell isnt OP allowed to do what her instincts are telling her to do?OP you are already ticking LOADS of boxes here: making huge efforts to spend quality time with your DCs on your days off/household chores/remembering everything for everyone so family runs smoothly/working in a demanding role with kids with behavioural difficulties - does anyone actually realise how difficult & draining that can be(while rewarding of course) but just look after YOU - if YOU go downhill while doing sooooo much, then what happens? Doesnt DH have to step in and row the other side of the boat just as much so it doesnt all tip towards you, dragging you down? (just thinking you mentioned almost having a breakdown after the twins)

Look after yourself OP & dont feel guilty

arethereanyleftatall · 23/11/2013 23:09

Your last few posts change things, in your favour, op.
If you work 5 days per week, then have to look after 5 kids on your 2 days 'off', then since his days off don't involve kids, except one, being weekdays, then he should do all housework and organisation and shopping in that day. That's only fair.
How does he feel,about that?

Original poster

notnagging · 23/11/2013 23:19

On his days off he takes the kids to school, has the day at home which normally involves him catching up on work or going into work then picks them up. It always seems a coincidence that his day off is when there are no kids at home but I understand he needs that break as well. If he didn't work weekends it would be better but if he's doing a late shift he starts at 1 so has the morning to himself but doesn't get in until after bedtime which is manic sometimes. If i work full time I won't be able to ferry the kids around to various after school activities as I won't be back in time. Dh's shifts change every week so are not reliable.

OP posts:

amazingness · 23/11/2013 23:23

is it possible that he would stop nagging you about the extra hours if perhaps those extra hours suddenly were 'no longer available'

ie - if we take the idea of the extra hrs away, would you be ok & would he be ok?

just thinking that he sees it as an easy way to get extra income, without realising the impact on you as a human being so if it wasnt available would things be better, he'd know youre doing a fab job & youd know he was doing a fab job with unpredictable shifts in his job?I think you'd both be on a more 50/50 footing/basisi

Original poster

notnagging · 23/11/2013 23:30

Yes probably. If it wasn't an option it would be easier. He does not want to reduce his hours. He loves working. Leaves early, comes back late. Still waiting for him to come back now and he finished an hour ago! That's the other thing, I don't think I could rely on him to do all the things that need doing at home. I usually catch up with DIY in the holidays

OP posts:

amazingness · 23/11/2013 23:31

i think you're awesome OP - you need a woman of the year award!

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