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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish feel a bit sad that my friends didn't even want to try breastfeeding?

404 replies

ClaireandGeorge · 22/11/2013 08:40

I know I'm probably going to get flamed for this.
Saw a friend with her 3 day old baby and she was moaning as her boobs were engorged and sore and I couldn't help but feel a bit sad that, that milk was meant for baby.
I understand a lot of women try and struggle or have problems that mean they can't. I totally get breastfeeding is difficult.
Another friend didn't want to breastfeed as her partner had said her boobs were for sex.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I understand it's a free world and we can all choose to do as we so wish. I have absolutely nothing against formula and I know plenty of beautiful babies and children that have thrived on it. It's just that it makes me a bit sad that my friends have chosen to ignore mother nature and not even give it a go.

OP posts:
sOODdragon · 22/11/2013 09:37

its like 'im not being funny but...'
'im not being racist but...'

Bollocks is it.

NotYoMomma · 22/11/2013 09:38

so she knows to keep quiet to her friend to spare her feelings and not heap pressure on her, but coukdnt give a shiny shit about other women on the internet who may be going through similar?

that's far sadder

RevengeWiggle · 22/11/2013 09:38

What sets us apart from horrible people is that we don't express those to the people we are judging

Erm... she's expressing this opinion on a forum mostly populated by women and mothers, where some of them are likely to be doing exactly what she is describing as saddening.

ANormalOne · 22/11/2013 09:39

She's sad because she feels her friends made the WRONG choice, of course it's judgmental.

NotYoMomma · 22/11/2013 09:39

fine then

'im not being offensive but...'

obv its
not on par with being racist but its all so fucking false is my point.

limitedoffer · 22/11/2013 09:39

Yanbu to be sad, in fact reading your post, I feel sad for your friends' babies. However people have all sorts of reasons not to even want to try bf. would be nice if they gave their little ones some colostrum at the very least though. They could always hand express for a few days if bf was not for them.

Formula is ok but it's a dead substance whereas bm has all sorts of beneficial 'active ingredients'.

Your friends partner who says breasts are for sex is well fucked up.

valiumredhead · 22/11/2013 09:39

Op when your child reaches the teen years you won't even remember being concerned about how your own child was fed let alone anyone else's. Save your sadness which is actually smugness/judgement.

HRHLadyG · 22/11/2013 09:40

Sometimes people make flippant remarks to hide more personal feelings.

I feel sad that you think it is your place to judge your friends at this precious....and difficult time. x

Thatisall · 22/11/2013 09:41

oP you will be torn to shreds for this because it's 'none of your business'. But I assume that while your espresso g yourself here, you aren't expressing these views to said friends.

Personally I agree that it is sad that so many people don't give it a go. It's sad because I know a great many mothers who for a variety of reasons couldn't breathy feed so it's ashame that others don't even try.

Much as ff babies are healthy, thriving and loved and the choice is entirely the mothers and should be respected, the fact is that breast is best! So why wouldn't you at least try?

Try not to take the flaming personally. It's a sensitive subject

NotYoMomma · 22/11/2013 09:42

I think its sad that OP is more
concerned about breastmikk than a friend in a potentially abusive and controlling situation.

sad sad sad

jerryfudd · 22/11/2013 09:42

I ff from birth. Don't consider I'm defensive about it. My choice. Didn't want to do it. Never even tried. Just wasn't for me. Kids not suffered at all. Rarely ill and in 4 years between 3 of them only 1 course of antibiotics for tonsilitis so not bad compared to friends babies that were bf. Do find it hard to understand however why people get so heated about this. As for feeling sad about how someone else chooses to feed their baby - I've heard it all now

RevengeWiggle · 22/11/2013 09:43

^I think its sad that OP is more
concerned about breastmikk than a friend in a potentially abusive and controlling situation.

sad sad sad^

Completely agree.

mylittlesunshine · 22/11/2013 09:43

I will admit I get defensive too, it's so hard knowing you are being judged and getting comments from people and pitying looks. We are hoping to have another and already I feel anxious about all the breast feeding comments I will get. I don't mind being given information and then being left to make an informed choice but that isn't what happens, people try to change your mind, make you feel guilty etc.

bellablot · 22/11/2013 09:43

This is a strange one, whilst I can see your POV it seems you chose not to see your friends POV and feeling sad is another way of you saying 'I'm superior because I chose to breastfeed'. I cannot stand these debates, women who chose to breastfeed and simultaneously complain about the non breast feeders will still be shoving a packet if wotsits in the kids mouth to shut them up in between breast feeds but this is okay because breast milk is superior. It's utterly utterly bizarre how some of these pro-breast feeders think. I'm a very open minded kind a gal who breastfed too but who does not agree with these debates that only make a minority of women (who are only doing what nature intended btw) feel superior, these women have issues that need dealing with.

Golddigger · 22/11/2013 09:45

I expect your friend is a bit sad about aspects of your personality too. Would you want her to say something to you about them?

NotmyusualNN · 22/11/2013 09:46

Part of the abuse I suffered as a child involved having my nipples tweaked, clamped, bitten and pins passed through. 25 years later, I am prone to debilitating panic attacks if someone or something touches my breasts, even lightly and accidentally. I have never spoken about this to any friends or family members. My husband, doctor and counsellor know are the only people who know this. I understand the benefits of breast feeding but the thought of doing this, of this happening to me makes me feel almost suicidal. My friends therefore believe that I just don't like the idea of bf and am not willing to try.

YABU not to consider that there may be reasons that your friends don;t want to discuss and are perhaps giving a socially acceptable, or at least recognised - even if disagreed with in the main - reason for ff. YAalsoBU for continuing to perpetuate the situation where all ff mothers must justify their choices. Can't we all just assume that a discussion on feeding has been brought up at least once by a midwife/health visitor/GP and probably also partner and therefore has been considered and an appropriate personal decision therefore made by the woman in question with need for further justification to those outside that circle?

Original poster
ClaireandGeorge · 22/11/2013 09:46

I just want to clarify that I am not judging her for formula feeding. It just made me feel a pang of sadness when she said her breasts were engorged. Maybe that sadness wss for myself as I was remembering my son being that small and feeding him.
I wasn't going to put this as I didn't think relevant but she has actually spoken to me a lot with questions about pregnancy, birth and new babies etc. Do you know what I AM a nice person who she obviously feels able to go to for advice. She asked me about breastfeeding as she knew I had with my ds. I explained my experience and I told her what i felt the pros and cons were. That it solely up to her what she did. One of her main worries was her small boobs and not being able to cope at night. When she told me she had decided to formula feed I wasn't at all judgey.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 22/11/2013 09:47

it always baffles me why people are so judgemental about how women choose to feed their babies. At the end of the day formula exists as a substitute for breastmilk, prior to the invention of formula people fed their babies carnation if they couldn't bf or the baby died. And it is worth bearing in mind that before the invention of formula, babies did die if their mothers couldn't bf, in fact inphant mortality was high back then. I wonder if formula was banned, how many babies would die. quite a few I would like to bet.

The reason why some women are so defensive about their feeding choices is because they are made to feel as if they should justify them. You don't generally hear women say that they bottle fed their baby and leave it at that. there is always a "because" reasoning behind it. "I ff because I couldn't bf/baby wouldn't latch/lost weight/" it shouldn't be that way. How someone feeds their baby is no-one else's business, as long as the baby isn't being neglected and is being fed.

But it is the pro bf types who make women who ff feel as if they have done something wrong. I ff because my milk never came in. I had colostrum but after that disappeared no milk came in to replace it. Was I going to stay up all day and night for the next few weeks in the vague hope I would produce milk while my baby screamed with hunger and continued to lose weight because "breast is best"? no I bloody well wasn't because that wouldn't have been best for my baby. But on mn I have been told that I must have been mistaken, that of course I could have bf, that women not producing milk is almost unheard of and that unless I'd had some test or other I couldn't possibly know that that was the case. Well given I was there and the various sanctimonious types dispensing their wisdom weren't I think I know what I am talking about and they don't.

than the pro bf types would have us believe.thing is that most women who can't bf don't put themselves forward for testing they just move to formula and are grateful there is an alternative. so the figures that only x number of women can't bf cannot possibly be accurate because there are so few women to go on. I suspect that actually a lot more women are unable to bf

JapaneseMargaret · 22/11/2013 09:49

The only people who give that much of a siney shite about it, are those mired deep in the whole thing, still feeding their babies; generally it's never people who've moved onto the next stage of life.

Once you've moved on, it's much easier to put it all in perspective, and realise it's actually Not THAT Big Of A Deal.

scottishmummy · 22/11/2013 09:53

You are judging her for not bf,maybe you're reticent to admit this.but you are
The sentiment of sad and the indignant that's what her breasts are for= judgy
You need to suspend your feelings about bf and support your friend

Only1scoop · 22/11/2013 09:53

"Made me feel a pang of sadness that her breasts were engorged"

So glad you didn't share your 'sadness' with her Hmm

BuzzardBird · 22/11/2013 09:56

Women have choices...other women will judge. Life will go on.

Shellywelly1973 · 22/11/2013 09:57

Op your entitled to your point of view...

I don't understand why people feel like this to be honest.

Are you really concerned or feel sad regarding birth choices so if your friends have pain relief /cs/natural birth?

Does it make you feel sad if they do cc?

Does it make you sad if they feed their baby's jars of foid instead of home cooked food?

Its none of your business & in the scheme of things really not that important.

Heathcliff27 · 22/11/2013 09:58

YABVU not your business, butt out

nicelyneurotic · 22/11/2013 09:59

It makes me sad too, but know it is not for everyone.

I was very squeamish at first and only after giving it a go realised how much comfort the baby gets from it, and that I enjoyed it too.