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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish feel a bit sad that my friends didn't even want to try breastfeeding?

404 replies

ClaireandGeorge · 22/11/2013 08:40

I know I'm probably going to get flamed for this.
Saw a friend with her 3 day old baby and she was moaning as her boobs were engorged and sore and I couldn't help but feel a bit sad that, that milk was meant for baby.
I understand a lot of women try and struggle or have problems that mean they can't. I totally get breastfeeding is difficult.
Another friend didn't want to breastfeed as her partner had said her boobs were for sex.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I understand it's a free world and we can all choose to do as we so wish. I have absolutely nothing against formula and I know plenty of beautiful babies and children that have thrived on it. It's just that it makes me a bit sad that my friends have chosen to ignore mother nature and not even give it a go.

OP posts:
mijas99 · 22/11/2013 10:22

HopAlong, yes I agree with you absolutely

Society and insecurity of the mother plays a big role. They probably weren't breast fed as a baby ;)

RevengeWiggle · 22/11/2013 10:22

mijas99 you're a fucking idiot.

TeacakeEater · 22/11/2013 10:22

mijas, surely pragmatism is a wise thing in life?

Original poster
ClaireandGeorge · 22/11/2013 10:23

I did feel sad but I am not saying there is anything wrong with formula at all. Also I will not sit and weep for weeks about it, it was a passing emotion. I think now a bit of that sadness was for me as my son is no longer breastfeeding and I was feeling wistful.
As said previously she had discussed feeding options with me as I was one of only a few of her friends who breastfed and she wanted to know what it was like. She also discussed her decision to ff with me.
As for the boobs are for sex friend sadly she has moved away. She says her partner is much better now, I doubt that is the case but am ever hopeful. We keep in touch via emails.

OP posts:
Theodorous · 22/11/2013 10:24

You may feel more at home on the alpha parent website

NoComet · 22/11/2013 10:25

I think I might have had difficulty not saying and your partner is a wanker who needs to grow up at the boobs are for sex comment

EXTERMINATEpeppa · 22/11/2013 10:25

mijjas

I WAS breastfed.
but chose not to myself.

sorry but as a 32H
I didnt feel comfortable.

HopAlongOnItsOnlyChristmas · 22/11/2013 10:25

You agree with me that you should fuck off? Good good.

cloggal · 22/11/2013 10:25

Mijas you have just said 'it will never be better for the baby' and then, in the next sentence 'the only way it will be better...' Confused

So there are ways in which it can be better. Medical issues include mental health, health of the mother which is not selfish. To liken this to an actively harmful decision is damaging and only harms the perception of people who are pro-bf, views like yours are why FF women (who in many cases have gone through medical issues with their babies and as such are sensitive about it) can often be very defensive.

That said the idea that women should not have choice over their own bodies repulses me. Formula does not harm babies. No one is arguing it is better for the baby than be but likening it to cigarettes is outrageous.

limitedoffer · 22/11/2013 10:25

I know I am digressing but I have experience a difference in other people's actions to bf over the last four years. When I bf DC1, most people including HVs, midwives and other mums etc. were quite supportive and positive about it. Four years on, I am bf DC 2 and often get a defensive reaction from other mums and even HVs. Could this be because bf has been promoted so much during the last few years but without the necessary support many mums and babies have a bad experience and have to give up but mums are left feeling inadequate or like they didn't get to do what's best for the DC? If this is the case, perhaps rather than spending money in poster campaigns etc. the money would be spent in a solid support system for bf before and after giving birth.

mijas99 · 22/11/2013 10:25

Teacake, sure. Unfortunately where I live women only get 4 months maternity leave so breastfeeding beyond 3 months is tricky. It's even worse in the US

Pragmatism is very important. Mothers have the right to choose. The only thing I am against is saying that forumula is best for the baby - in 99% of cases, it isnt

catsareevilshits · 22/11/2013 10:25

Another friend didn't want to breastfeed as her partner had said her boobs were for sex.

Please tell this friend to LTB. Or direct her to the Relationships board...

Fairylea · 22/11/2013 10:28

Mijas- I was breastfed. My dh was breastfed. All our siblings chose to breastfeed their dc. We didn't for reasons I have already explained.

Stop assuming people choose to ff because of ignorance or because they are in some sort of social vacum where it isn't socially acceptable (and yes having lived in deprived areas I know these places and families do exist).

People make a choice based on what is best for their families. Breastfeeding isn't always the best choice for a family as a whole even if it is possible. How is it best for a baby if it makes everyone miserable and resentful which is what happens if women feel under pressure to breastfeed when they don't want to...

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 22/11/2013 10:29

Maybe she's not formula feeding? My D S was in thevSCBzu being pumped full of formula fir 5 days then had a tongue tie. He never latched on. I exclusily feed him expression his discharge he was 5.5 months old

I was paranoid about feeding him in public initially due to smug, judgey twats who probably felt deep "sadness" for him being fed by bottle and assumed he was on formula. Instead I hardly slept for the first 6 weeks until my supply was properly established as I had to feed him and then express

The people silently sobbing into their lattes in Starbucks are normally the same smug judgey twats who have never had a child in SCBU or NICU, whose babies latched on fine because it's all natural and they just knew what to do and don't have a fucking clue what they are talking about.

I am currently 33 weeks pregnant. I'll try my best to breastfeed but, if I can't, then I will formula feed as I will have two children and can't commit the time t expressing.

So thanks for making me feel shit about that.

You sound like the bellend who smugly insisted to my friend on numerous occasions that everyone coukd breastfeed and she should just try After listening to this spiel for the 10th time, my friend politely told her that, actually, she really couldn't as she had had a double mastectomy

NoComet · 22/11/2013 10:29

But I have no patience at all with anyone who doesn't try and BF and every sympathy with those who don't succeed.

It is the most frustrating (DD1) and beautiful (DD2) thing I have ever done.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 22/11/2013 10:29

"Exclusively fed him expressed milk"

cloggal · 22/11/2013 10:31

'Pragmatism is very important. Mothers have the right to choose. The only thing I am against is saying that forumula is best for the baby - in 99% of cases, it isn't'

So well done for making the one per cent feel like shit.

And this is a VERY different tone to your first post.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 22/11/2013 10:31

star - you sound like the arse who insisted to my friend that she needed to try despite her double mastectomy

cloggal · 22/11/2013 10:32

*that should be the one percent that you'll think of as 'acceptable' and the other perfectly happy FF women and their babies.

feckawwf · 22/11/2013 10:32

I agree it's sad that society makes people feel that boobs are sexual or bf is disgusting or sick or "paedophilia" as one "friend" put to me once!!!! At the same time I suppose people have the right to choose

Original poster
ClaireandGeorge · 22/11/2013 10:35

I posted here as I wanted to know if it was just me who felt like this. I have continued to comment because that is the point of a forum isn't it?
In answer to the poster who asked how I would feel if I had another child and couldn't breastfeed. The honest answer is sad and the thought has crossed my mind. I would also feel quite frightened as I worry I would get quite stressed with knowing exact amounts baby was getting and when. I think I would worry over the too much not enough. These concerns would all be for myself and not the baby as they would be fine.
I know I probably have but apologies if I have offended anyone that is never my intent.

OP posts:
BlueCushion · 22/11/2013 10:36

It's none of your business.

I ff through choice. I had DT's and wanted DH to help (so did he). Other friends with twins who bf would tell me they were stuck on the sofa all day, one even wet herself as she couldn't move as they were feeding, I found that incredibly sad. Others didn't leave the house for weeks and I was able to go out every day and take mine for walks. If I had to do it over again I would ff every time.

I was also abused as a child and it the thought of putting my breast in my babies mouth just felt so wrong (not saying it is, but that's how I felt) and the thought of it made me panic and feel sick.

My SIL was judgy like you. She's a bitch who thinks her way is the only way and made snide comments about bf babies get sicker less. I couldn't care less. My DC never got sick, not so much as a cold, her bf baby was constantly getting colds and D&V so she was talking out of her arse, as usual.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 22/11/2013 10:36

There's no "suppose" about it. People have the right to chose and, for some people, even that choice is removed

scottishmummy · 22/11/2013 10:36

Goblin congratulations on pg.rest assured no decent woman will judge you on mode feeding
Unfortunately a vocal minority will judge how you feed,But That is their problem no yours
Enjoy your baby and don't stress about how a bulgy eyed zealot feels about feeding

HopAlongOnItsOnlyChristmas · 22/11/2013 10:37

I agree with fairylea about breastfeeding making peopleunhappy.