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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish feel a bit sad that my friends didn't even want to try breastfeeding?

404 replies

ClaireandGeorge · 22/11/2013 08:40

I know I'm probably going to get flamed for this.
Saw a friend with her 3 day old baby and she was moaning as her boobs were engorged and sore and I couldn't help but feel a bit sad that, that milk was meant for baby.
I understand a lot of women try and struggle or have problems that mean they can't. I totally get breastfeeding is difficult.
Another friend didn't want to breastfeed as her partner had said her boobs were for sex.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I understand it's a free world and we can all choose to do as we so wish. I have absolutely nothing against formula and I know plenty of beautiful babies and children that have thrived on it. It's just that it makes me a bit sad that my friends have chosen to ignore mother nature and not even give it a go.

OP posts:

sweetiepie1979 · 22/11/2013 09:01

Urghh what an annoying thread! I feel sad? Have you watched the news lately there's a lot
More to be sad about that a mother feeding her baby formula! It's none of your bloody business and you
Obviously haven't got enough in your own life to think about! And the comment I know plenty of beautiful babies who have thrived is equally annoying!

IneedAsockamnesty · 22/11/2013 09:01

This friend whose husband stopped her,did she want to before he had his input?

Original poster

ClaireandGeorge · 22/11/2013 09:02

There must be some pretty saintly people on mumsnet if they never have an opinion on anything else whatsoever to do with anyone else.
I'm not judging her at all she's a lovely girl and I'm not judging formula, it's fine. It just makes me personally feel sad. Something I wouldn't dream of expressing to her.
I know she didn't try as she was chatting about it and had planned to formula feed. Again no problem with this but it still made me feel sad.
As for the friend who didn't want to feed as boobs are for sex, yes her other half is quite controlling.
Perhaps it's because I'm getting quite broody and the presence of a newborn mafe me feel wistful about feeding my son.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 22/11/2013 09:03

I agree op. I think it's a shame when people don't try, unless there's a medical reason not to. Not bf due to vanity is not acceptable imo.

ICameOnTheJitney · 22/11/2013 09:03

You are judging her. You know you are. You feel superior and you're wanting validation for that.

BenNJerry · 22/11/2013 09:04

I don't think YABU. I do think everyone should at least try, I'd never say that to anyone but it does make me feel sad. I bfed for 14 weeks with extreme difficulty, I had a very traumatic birth resulting in a huge blood loss, I then became anaemic which affected my milk. DS wasn't putting on weight so I eventually switched to formula.

I had problems, but I tried my best for 14 weeks. It does make me sad to see people give up after a couple of days or not even try at all. I am a young mum and see a lot of mums my age not bfeeding for selfish reasons, wanting to be able to go out drinking etc.

That being said, I wouldn't ever dream of telling someone how to feed their babies. It does just make me sad when I read the statistic that 83% of women start out breastfeeding and only 24% are still doing it after 6 weeks.

RevengeWiggle · 22/11/2013 09:04

It is judgemental to say you feel sad, it's patronising and implying that you feel the parent isn't doing the right thing.

Choosing how to feed takes into account a whole load of factors not just whether you have milk or not. You don't know what's 'best' for these families.

foslady · 22/11/2013 09:05

How would you feel if the mum didn't bond properly BECAUSE she felt so uncomfortable BF'ing?
The child is not suffering because of it, mum is happy, don't see an issue (from another BF'der...........)

IneedAsockamnesty · 22/11/2013 09:05

Only on mumsnet can a you sneek a likely abusive situation into a post and everybody ignores it because they think your attacking precious formula

notundermyfoof · 22/11/2013 09:06

I have a friend who chose not to bf at all because she thinks its disgusting

Yanbu at all op, there is something very wrong with the world when people are disgusted at the idea of using breasts for the purpose they were intended.

WooWooOwl · 22/11/2013 09:07

People can feel sad about more than one thing at a time, and it's natural to have more depth of feeling about situations you can see with your own eyes than you do about situations that are going on elsewhere in the world.

This 'save your sadness for xxxx' bollocks is such a lame argument. Apply it to anything in life that we in the UK experience.

'Save your sadness about your 60yo relative getting cancer for the children that get it'

'Save your sadness for the child that's being bullied at school for the children in other countries that don't even get to go to school'

It just doesn't work.

redshifter · 22/11/2013 09:08

YANBU to feel a bit sad.
We shouldn't be judgey. If someone doesn't want to bf, it is up to them, whatever the reasons, there is nothing wrong with formula feeding.
It is the attitide that makes me feel sad and the fact that culturally bfeeding seems unnatural to some.

The "boobs are for sex" thing, makes me feel more annoyed than sad.

I feel more sad for the mothers than the babies if they dont try to bf for this reason. I think bfeeding can be difficult and hard work but think it can be very rewarding too.

But what do I know. I would have loved to bf but couldn't and never even tried. So I may not know what I am talking about.

Original poster

ClaireandGeorge · 22/11/2013 09:08

I know theres lots more to be sad about than this. I think my hormones must be playing up. I have had to stop watching the news as it makes me cry.
I did mind my own business and didn't express anything to her but I can't help the way I feel can I?
The boobs for sex wasn't intended ss an inflammatory comment. it was completely true. We were both pregnant at the same time and she had been intending to breastfeed initially.

OP posts:

TheGreatWizardQuiQuaeQuod · 22/11/2013 09:11

OI Socks! erm. Everybody?...

RevengeWiggle · 22/11/2013 09:11

She changed her intentions because of that one idiotic comment? Does he always treat her like that?

NotYoMomma · 22/11/2013 09:12

I think you shoukd bitt the fuck out and keep your opinions to yourself

all you do is fuel division wothout thinking of potential reasons why

TeacakeEater · 22/11/2013 09:14

There are are big communities of people where breastfeeding is seen as weird - and that partner sounds a right creep tbh. There are social groups where bf is the norm (and there can be a pressure on women who don't do it) but if you are in an area of low bfeeding it does seem a missed opportunity , yes.

extracrunchy · 22/11/2013 09:15

This is not going to end well...

dashoflime · 22/11/2013 09:16

I can understand why you feel sad. but i can also understand their position.
Realistically, I lot of people who do try to breastfeed don't manage to keep it up. Often, causing themselves disappointment and heartache along the way, and with very little resources to help.
Given the context I can see why some women would save themselves the trouble.
Because, lets face it looking after babies is HARD enough anyhow

Fairylea · 22/11/2013 09:18

I tried to bf my first dc. I lasted about 2 weeks and I hated it. I hated the sensations, I hated the fact doing the night feeds was always down to me blah blah. I hated all of it. I switched to formula and found it so much better all round and of course dd was oblivious and didn't care either way especially as she was so young when I switched.

When I had ds (ten years later) I opted to formula feed from birth. I just knew it was right for me and I actually believe all the pressure to breastfeed contributed to me developing severe pnd with my dd years before.

I come from a family where everyone breastfed, in a part of the world (rural suffolk) where its normal and accepted to breastfeed. It just wasn't right for me.

I don't need anyone's pity thanks.

SteamWisher · 22/11/2013 09:19

There's a lot of people here getting angry - why are you so angry?

Save your anger for something more important eh?

mylittlesunshine · 22/11/2013 09:20

If we have another baby I won't be breast feeding or even trying. I tried with my first had a horrific time felt such a failure ended up with post natal depression felt everyone judged me and didn't bond with my baby for a long time. New mums feel under so much pressure to do the 'right' thing it's just not nice, and doesn't help the situation.

My friends probably felt a bit sorry for my baby that I wasn't breast feeding as I didn't choose to shout from the rooftops the reasons why I didn't so as far as they were concerned I just didn't want to, which wasn't true.

Original poster

ClaireandGeorge · 22/11/2013 09:21

It wasn't everyone should be breastfeeding sad if that makes sense. It's hard to explain really and I don't know how to express this best maybe.
You're right she will probably think some of my parenting is a bit .

OP posts:

redshifter · 22/11/2013 09:22

I agree with WooWoo. The "feel sad about babies who have no food at all" arguement, just doesn't work.

especially coming from posters who get enraged about grammar. I will have to use their own silly arguement back at them in future.

Poloholo · 22/11/2013 09:22

YANBU to feel sad privately

But YWBVU to say anything to any of the mothers in question.

There are still large swathes of society where FF is absolutely seen as the norm and BF rates are terribly low and that is a shame.

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