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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish feel a bit sad that my friends didn't even want to try breastfeeding?

404 replies

ClaireandGeorge · 22/11/2013 08:40

I know I'm probably going to get flamed for this.
Saw a friend with her 3 day old baby and she was moaning as her boobs were engorged and sore and I couldn't help but feel a bit sad that, that milk was meant for baby.
I understand a lot of women try and struggle or have problems that mean they can't. I totally get breastfeeding is difficult.
Another friend didn't want to breastfeed as her partner had said her boobs were for sex.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I understand it's a free world and we can all choose to do as we so wish. I have absolutely nothing against formula and I know plenty of beautiful babies and children that have thrived on it. It's just that it makes me a bit sad that my friends have chosen to ignore mother nature and not even give it a go.

OP posts:
MamaLoveCRJT · 22/11/2013 21:43

Firstly everybody judges people whether they admit it or not! Human nature! If you share your judgement than that's up to you, this is a forum to express everything that effects you being a mother and that includes judgement on other people so lay off of her opinion! Everybody has opinions share them too! Life would be boring if we were all the same!

Being a little controversial! I agree with you! I have friends exactly the same ( one funnily enough choosing not to breastfed because of her partners worry of her breasts changing!! I'd hate to tell him they are there to feed babies and not for him his satisfaction only!!) I feel sad for them too... I feel sad because I absolutely love feeding my baby myself and I want people to feel the same as me! I love looking in his eyes as he's feeding and him getting excited and recognising me as he comes to me for a feed! I love stroking his hair and him falling asleep on my chest! And mostly I love the fact that I have given my baby boy the best food he can possible get at the start of his life! I have great sympathy for people who can't feed themselves and really want to I really do, but I don't want to offend when I say I don't understand why mothers wouldn't want to give their baby the best possible start if they have the resources!!

Minifingers · 22/11/2013 21:54

Toys - if you tell a health professional that you strongly dislike breastfeeding and that it's making you depressed and you think you want to stop, then it's wrong for them to tell you to continue.

What did you tell them?

They are not mind readers.

Some women will be depressed and struggling with breastfeeding but will feel WORSE for stopping. Others will feel better. No HP can make the decision for you and they cannot know how stopping breastfeeding will impact on your mental health, particularly when you are giving them ambivalent signals about wanting to continue doing it.

The best thing for them to do is to listen sympathetically and to help you come to a decision. They can't and shouldn't tell you how you should feed your baby.

thebody · 22/11/2013 22:01

really

is there any topic more fucking boring than breast v bottle???

oh hang on could it be sahm v wirk

thebody · 22/11/2013 22:03

bugger bored myself!! sahm v working mum!

the funny thing is it's such an infinitesimal part of parenting that it really really doesn't matter.

CrockedPot · 22/11/2013 22:07

Yanbu, and need to get a life of your own. And thank god your friends business is all you have to worry about.

Workberk · 22/11/2013 22:08

YANBU OP. I think BF is a lovely feeling and I do feel it's a shame some people won't get the nice rush of oxytocin. I think it's a shame that we live in an environment where so many people don't want to try too. At the same time I support personal choice. Those things aren't mutually exclusive.

I had a dream about breastfeeding late in pregnancy. It was easy and didn't hurt in my dream, and actually the reality wasn't too far off that. I didn't really debate whether I'd do it or not, I just knew inside I would and instinct did the rest.

I was really surprised how unselfconscious motherhood made me and so found it easy to BF at home and out and about.

Sadly I feel embarrassed to feed my DS in public now (he's 11 months) so avoid it if I can and don't talk about it. A lot of that embarrassment is due to friends and family saying to me "are you STILL feeding?", "when do you think you'll stop BF" and "that's quite a long time to BF".

Canthaveitall · 22/11/2013 22:12

MamaLoveCRJT - Bottle feeding also allows you to look in your babies eyes and see them falling asleep whilst stroking their hair so people who bottle feed do feel the same as you. It's not a feeling exclusive to BF and I know as I have done both.

I really can't stand all this smug crap.

It's the hypocrisy that gets me. Fast forward 5 years and how many of these children are drinking fruit shoots and eating e numbers by the truck load. Quite a few I would think.

ToysRLuv · 22/11/2013 22:12

Mini: I appreciate they are not mind readers. They didn't need to be. I wasn't ambivalent about breastfeeding. I was unhealthily desperate and obsessed with it it, and frankly bonkers enough to be referred to the mother and baby clinic very early on after coming home from hospital. (they deemed it better for me to stay at home instead of going to the unit, since DH was able to help).

E.g. HV did say I might feel worse for stopping BF. What she DIDN'T say was that I could feel a lot better if I stopped, and that I should not feel at all guilty if I did it. Also, she could have given a "strong recommendation" for me to stop, because, really, on some level I needed someone (equivalent, or higher, in authority to the BF posters and advice from the ante-natal clinic) to tell me that it would be better for me to stop. Even if I hadn't done it immediately (which is quite likely, given how I was), it could have helped me do it quicker and with less guilt.

Anotherdayanotherdestiny123 · 22/11/2013 22:25

I BF, it worked for me, that was great but many of my friends and family FF from birth. It makes not the slightest but of difference in a first world country. I couldn't tell you which of my DC's friends were breast or formula fed, I have never asked, it has never come up and I couldn't tell. They are all rather keen on crisps and biscuits when they come and play, I don't recall any of them asking for a raw carrot as a snack therefore highlighting the worn full healthy start bf has given them which has lasted throughout childhood. So not something to feel sad about.

thebody · 22/11/2013 23:10

canthanvietille fantastic post absolutely agree.

scottishmummy · 22/11/2013 23:40

ive ff and bf.ff because wanted to,no convoluted reason,it was appropriate to do so
i see people excusing their ff as if its a failing,something requiring explanation
well no angst,no explanations required imo.feed your baby,its a minor part of parenting

Caitlin17 · 22/11/2013 23:45

Absolutely none of your business. Don't let that get in the way of climbing abroad the moral high ground and attempting to lay a bully guilt trip on her. It'll do nothing for her but you can feel good about it.

Caitlin17 · 22/11/2013 23:56

workbek re your assumption that everyone feels fantastic breastfeeding, that is a sweeping generalisation. I hated it. It was painful, tiring and horrible. I hated it so much it was preventing bonding with my son.

HaroldTheGoat · 22/11/2013 23:57

The rush of hormones makes me feel nauseous.

Having done both there are good aspects of both ways. Ups and Downs.

Caitlin17 · 23/11/2013 00:03

Harold that was reaction too.

TheArticFunky · 23/11/2013 00:06

I really don't get threads like this. Breastfeeding v formula feeding is so insignificant in the grand scheme of things that I just don't get how people have such strong views on it.

HaroldTheGoat · 23/11/2013 00:09

I honestly haven't really enjoyed breastfeeding, I have done it as I have been so lucky not to have any problems and for me it was the best option.

Chatting about I dont think everyone does enjoy it?

elskovs · 23/11/2013 00:09

I can see both sides. God Im so reasonable!

I agree its a shame. BF is lovely, so if someone doesn't even try is does seem a waste.

Their choice of course.
IME it really wrecked my boobs. I had an enlargement after I finished but not everyone has 5k for that, so if someone does pick their figure over bf, then that's understandable to me.

I loved the feeling of let down. Oxytocin??? Its an amazing feeling. Im expecting number 3 and looking forward it. But its pretty weird/intense and I can understand that some people don't enjoy it.

I think the mother misses out far more than the baby if they don't BF.
The baby will be fine with FF. But its no substitute for the feeling you get BF. Personally Id feel very replacable if I didn't BF. As if anyone with a bottle of formula could come along and do my job and the baby wouldn't notice.

scottishmummy · 23/11/2013 00:12

why strong views?because for some women they can use it to bully,berate other women
under the pretence of health,development
its about them asserting their preference,and using feeding as vehicle

HaroldTheGoat · 23/11/2013 00:15

I wasnt expecting it, I kept thinking I was coming down with a stomach bug.

monicalewinski · 23/11/2013 00:17

It's quite interesting to hear of people who have bf and not enjoyed it, or even hated it. It gets so repetitive on these threads to hear how enjoyable it was and the most perfect experience etc, you never hear that side of it.

Genuinely, thank you for sharing that.

heartisaspade · 23/11/2013 00:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Caitlin17 · 23/11/2013 00:22

elskov it wasn't lovely.I felt horrible. At least you're admitting it ruined your breasts, it ruined mine too.

Caitlin17 · 23/11/2013 00:23

elskov it wasn't lovely.I felt horrible. At least you're admitting it ruined your breasts, it ruined mine too.

Bellini28 · 23/11/2013 06:35

OP didn't properly think before posting. She doesn't come across as judgy, just broody IMO. We mums really, really need to chill out when it comes to a number of things.... Top of my list: how we birth and feed our babies!!!

I sit and type whilst bfing my 2 week old. It's easy and wonderful. However she has made it so. My first baby wouldn't latch, we had a flipping nightmare so I ff! No biggie. We do what we can do. In a world where little ones starve, are abused and neglected.... Do we really care or need to concern ourselves about how fellow loving mummies feed their babies!

As a pp said, this needs to stop! The judging says so much more about the judger than the judged... Fgs we need to be supporting not condemning!