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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish feel a bit sad that my friends didn't even want to try breastfeeding?

404 replies

ClaireandGeorge · 22/11/2013 08:40

I know I'm probably going to get flamed for this.
Saw a friend with her 3 day old baby and she was moaning as her boobs were engorged and sore and I couldn't help but feel a bit sad that, that milk was meant for baby.
I understand a lot of women try and struggle or have problems that mean they can't. I totally get breastfeeding is difficult.
Another friend didn't want to breastfeed as her partner had said her boobs were for sex.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I understand it's a free world and we can all choose to do as we so wish. I have absolutely nothing against formula and I know plenty of beautiful babies and children that have thrived on it. It's just that it makes me a bit sad that my friends have chosen to ignore mother nature and not even give it a go.

OP posts:
HaroldTheGoat · 22/11/2013 18:40

Shroom, it does not make you a crappy mother what a poisonous thing to say.

monicalewinski · 22/11/2013 18:41

shroomvaroom

I ff because I wanted to. Didn't even attempt to bf because I didn't want to.

Absolutely not a crappy mother at all IMO, and my 2 children appear to love me very much! Wink

I also am as unapologetic as you, but perhaps not as judgey!

Back2Two · 22/11/2013 18:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

shroomvaroom · 22/11/2013 18:44

Don't be silly,Haroldthegoat, it's not poisonous, it's an opinion. Calm yourself.

Aquariusgirl86 · 22/11/2013 18:44

I can see why you feel sad and like you I'd never say anything about how someone chooses to feed their baby. However one of my friends kept telling me how she didn't want to fb and new tried (her choice) but she kept saying it when I was feeding my son and how disgusting she thought it was......we were having coffee in my house......

Aquariusgirl86 · 22/11/2013 18:45

*bf and never tried

shroomvaroom · 22/11/2013 18:49

Monica, of course your children love you. That is not what I am saying and I think it's strange that you would leap to such a conclusion. What I am saying is that small babies have very basic requirements, and one of those is milk - the best sort of milk - which we conveniently produce at exactly the right time. It's a pretty simple requirement, very early in the journey of motherhood. Personally I would have to have an exceptionally good reason not to want to give this to my baby.

ToysRLuv · 22/11/2013 18:50

shroom: Actually, my DM stopped breastfeeding me when I was around a month old, because she got bad mastitis. She was told to keep feeding me with the infected breasts. She decided she didn't want to feed me pus. I quite respect her for it! Grin

HaroldTheGoat · 22/11/2013 18:53

Calm yourself, Grin.

I am calm. I calmly think it's a very poisonous thing to say.

Tailtwister · 22/11/2013 18:54

I am very pro bf, but let's not forget that formula is a very valid alternative. Many of us would have been formula fed (I'm a 70's baby) and we're still standing (almost!).

I bf both mine until 3+, but that was through accident rather than design. It was actually DH who was very pro-bf when I had my first and despite a rocky start it worked out. By the time I had my second I was aware of the pressure to bf and was literally terrified it wouldn't work out. We had a serious blip when DS2 had viral meningitis at 10 days old and one of my major fears (apart from my baby dying) was that bf wouldn't work out as a result. Thankfullly the hospital was well equipped with an expressing machine, but through all the worry and uncertainty I was expressing like a demon. This episode brought home to me the mind numbing pressure some women find themselves under at what should be one of the most amazing times of their lives.

I'm not sorry for people/babies who formula feed. I'm just thankful the option is there.

shroomvaroom · 22/11/2013 18:54

Toys - Kudos to your DM. Sounds like she tried and you got the colostrum you needed. You don't need to bf forever, but the first few days are important.

monicalewinski · 22/11/2013 18:55

I think it is strange that you would say great swathes of mothers are crappy.

I'm pretty sure there are some crappy mothers who breastfed, and some awesome mothers who ff.

It is a crappy thing to judge someone's worth as a parent purely on the single point of how they feed their child, which is what you did in your earlier post.

Original poster
ClaireandGeorge · 22/11/2013 18:57

I didn't feel 'sorry' for either mum or baby you are quite right Harold and I honestly do think it was broodyness making me feel a bit sad.
I've never felt like that before in fact as I've said previously how others feed generally doesn't cross my mind which I suppose is why I posted here as was a bit confused as to where these feelings had come from.
I do think ff is becoming more the norm and that we do need better breastfeeding advice as a whole. I wish I was told that it does hurt even when you're doing it right. I was sore in the beginning but had actual holes in my nipples when ds was teething. I wish I was told that not all people can express. I wish I'd been told how hard it can be to get a breastfed baby to take a bottle. Hours of expressing followed by ds completely refusing it was hard. All this is for another thread though.

OP posts:
HaroldTheGoat · 22/11/2013 19:02

I've got a 9 month old I'm still breast feeding and saw a newborn on an ad in the cinema the other day and felt really really sad!

I hope this passes as I'm not getting another one.

mistermakersgloopyglue · 22/11/2013 19:18

'Sad' is such loaded word and does imply a certain superiority.

When I hear of or speak to a mum who formula feeds from birth withiut trying to breastfeedthe most extreme emotion I feel is mild surprise - after all it's free, it's the easiest option if everything goes to plan, and of course it is nutritionally the best option for the baby.

Sadness? No. What is there to feel sad about? Who are you 'sad' for?

Rewindtimeplease · 22/11/2013 19:23

Bloody hell, do I have skin as thick as a rhino? All this talk of pressure! I felt next to none. Just gentle encouragement. Tough at the beginning and I almost jacked it in, but I sucked up the searing pain and got through it and then it is bloody awesome. However, iI honestly don't believe anyone would have said anything to me had I done decided to stop. A girl in my Nct chose not to, to my knowledge no one gave it a second thought and sure as hell no one ever spoke about it, either to her face or behind her face. Just not on my radar, and I don't think on the radar of any of my friends and family.

Rewindtimeplease · 22/11/2013 19:25

Bloody hell, do I have skin as thick as a rhino? All this talk of pressure! I felt next to none. Just gentle encouragement. Tough at the beginning and I almost jacked it in, but I sucked up the searing pain and got through it and then it is bloody awesome. However, iI honestly don't believe anyone would have said anything to me had I done decided to stop. A girl in my Nct chose not to, to my knowledge no one gave it a second thought and sure as hell no one ever spoke about it, either to her face or behind her face. Just not on my radar, and I don't think on the radar of any of my friends and family.

Original poster
ClaireandGeorge · 22/11/2013 19:25

Mister as I said earlier in the thread I actually think now maybe I was a bit sad for myself.
I am very broody and my hormones seem to be on a bit of a rollercoaster. having written this thread I can now see what I was feeling was a loss almost for myself. DS is growing up and another is not on the cards for a while. Said bsby was tiny just like ds snd I think now that's what got me.

OP posts:
ToysRLuv · 22/11/2013 19:34

Rewind: Before I gave birth I was sure I had a relaxed attitude to trying breastfeeding. Great if it works out, ok if it doesn't. However after the birth, the exhaustion, pain, beginnings of PND and hormones amplified it into a life and death decision. Completely illogical, looking back. In the midst of it - it was, however, THE most important thing (what else does a newborn do, but feed, cry and, sometimes even, sleep?).

Rewindtimeplease · 22/11/2013 19:38

I am not saying we ourselves don't get stressed about it. I am saying stressed / sad / opinionated about other people... Certainly not myself, friends or family have I encountered this. Just on mumsnet,
.

ToysRLuv · 22/11/2013 19:41

Yes. Agree, Rewind!

LaLaLeni · 22/11/2013 19:44

Of course yanbu to feel whatever you feel. They're your feelings.

BABaracus · 22/11/2013 19:54

OP, I agree with you. Of course everyone is free to do as they please but personally, I don't understand why you wouldn't actually want to try and breastfeed your newborn baby (obviously this is different from those who try it and for whom it does not work out).

Mashpotatoandegg · 22/11/2013 20:00

Ahem [clears throat]. I'll try and put my thoughts in a few coherent sentences hopefully without adding more fuel to the fiery bickering debate.

According to UNICEF, only 17% of mothers in the UK breastfeed their babies at three months and a staggering 1% bf exclusively at about six months. WHO recommend bf children for two years. Information about the benefits of bf is easily available in the UK.

These stats indicate to me that we don't live in a pro bf society (no shit Sherlock). Those of us who manage to bf past the first few weeks often face ignorance and prejudice, especially from health visitors but also from GPs and especially from friends and family.

I don't think that mums who don't bf because they find it a 'yucky' or because they perceive breasts as primarily a means to a sexual end (absolutely not talking about women who have experienced abuse) 'choose' to ff.

I think society (media etc.) rather conditions young women to treat their bodies with suspicion and as something that needs to be neat and controlled in order to remain the good old 'object of (male) desire'.

It makes me sad and mad that young babies have to pay the cost of this skewed way of being.

I think bf mums are up against a culture that views the most natural thing of bf a human infant as a outlandish and quite unnecessary: after all we could all use formula, couldn't we? 'There is no need to bf anymore'. 'Babies thrive just as well on formula so why bother'? Hmm

Ach....

www.unicef.org.uk/BabyFriendly/About-Baby-Friendly/Breastfeeding-in-the-UK/UK-Breastfeeding-rates

Original poster
ClaireandGeorge · 22/11/2013 20:01

rewind I think perhaps people feel more able to air their views on mn than they do in rl maybe.

Just curious to try something here. These are the reasons I chose to breastfeed:
•It is what I have boobs for.
•Its free and money was tight.
•I hate hate hate washing up and we have no dishwasher. The thought of having to do all that wsdhing and sterilising etc put me off.
I went in with an open mind and decided to see what happened. tbh ds probably would have been given some formula but the little tinker would not take a bottle at all.
Second two reasons are probably a bit shallow but it is the truth.
Anyone else care to share the reason they choose what wsy to feed thier baby from the start? Also would be nice if we could do it without judging snd getting picky.

OP posts:
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