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Original poster

Dating an illegal immigrant

133 replies

Holamum · 20/11/2013 13:56

Hi there,

This is a really sensitive topic and hope you will treat it as such too. Sorry it's long!!

Basically, my family are very religious and strict and wanted me to have an arranged marriage. I got educated, financially independent, rebelled and married someone outside the religion for love for which my parents disowned me. I had 2 children with my ex, but the relationship broke down, my ex went bankrupt and I lost my job and other things happened so that I basically had no choice but to grovel and return to my parents.

My parents don't want me and the children living with them forever and told me that I need to remarry. But they said they would disown me again if I chose my own partner (I think it's crazy!) so they found me a guy from the mosque as a potential husband (going to call him 'the guy') for an arranged marriage. We have been dating to see if we like each other, and it has been going well and I've actually fallen for him.

I knew the guy was from abroad but assumed he was on a visa or something because he works and seems settled. Anyway, he has proposed marriage to me, and after I accepted (saying I still wanted to be engaged for 1-2 years so we know each other better) he dropped the bombshell that he's an illegal immigrant. I was (still am) very scared about what that could mean for me and the kids. The guy calmed me down, reassuring me that it will be fine, and that his only crime is trying to make a better life for himself, and that he really wants to settle down with me and be a father to my kids.

I was still worried so I got some legal advice and the solicitor advised that he can't marry me in the UK anyway, because he's illegal. He would have to go back to his home country, and either I bring him over on a fiance visa or we live in his home country (which I would do as long as my ex allows my kids to emigrate).

I told the guy that I spoke to a solicitor and told him what they advised me. The guy became very upset with me and said that his friends had managed to get married without going back to their home country - he gave me a few examples and said I shouldn't listen to the solicitor. He got really moody and demanded that he wasn't going to go back to his home country. The guy reminded me how he had accepted the fact I had kids, and had accepted that I made mistakes of dishonouring my family (by marrying for choice outside the religion 1st time round) and that he wasn't going to care about what people in the community gossiped about him for marrying me. He said he isn't going to talk to me until next week now because I had upset him with the suggestion that he go back to his home country.

Am I being unreasonable? What shall I do?

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 20/11/2013 14:00

I would get out. If he loved you he would be looking into things himself and finding out what to do, not using emotional blackmail with you about the kids.

TheVermiciousKnid · 20/11/2013 14:03

Leaving aside the issue of him being an illegal immigrant, his reaction to you consulting a solicitor is a massive red flag in my opinion. He has implied that you should be grateful that he'll be with you despite your behaviour and you dishonouring your family? And to punish you he won't talk to you until next week? Bollocks to that. It'll only get worse.

LCHammer · 20/11/2013 14:03

Sorry, are you sure you love 'the guy'? He sounds controlling. What's with all this acceptance of children and past mistakes? Does he really talk to you like that?

DidoTheDodo · 20/11/2013 14:04

No idea about the legalities of the situation but your post rings alarm bells for me about why he wants to marry you. He was all very keen until it was suggested he'd have to go home first and now it's all a big problem and he's gone off in a sulk.

I'd just advise extreme caution in progressing this relationship. I feel bad suggesting this as you say you have fallen from him, but please be very sure before you are committed for always.

Helpyourself · 20/11/2013 14:05

It sounds very difficult. But manageable until you got to the end where he said that about h accepting you and your dishonouring the family.
Where do you live? Can you talk to someone who knows about the specific pressures you're under?
This organisation is very good- give them a ring as they should be able to point you in the right direction.

OneLittleToddleTerror · 20/11/2013 14:07

He sounds very controlling to me.

I think your solicitor is right. I came here on a spouse visa and even back then you have to apply from your home country. (Or that you are here legally, e.g., on a work visa). They would not process the application of an illegal immigrant.

samandi · 20/11/2013 14:07

FGS move out of your parents, get rid of this guy and get your life sorted out before you think about embarking on another relationship. That's my advice anyway. It all sounds too full of drama and unpleasantness.

Shlurpbop · 20/11/2013 14:07

He looks on you as a fallen woman no one else would want - you are more than that and you can create a life for yourself without him or indeed your family if they can't accept your past. You married for love! That's a good thing!
Please think carefully - I believe you are strong enough to make a happy independent life for you and your children.
You are worth more than this man thinks of you.

DIYapprentice · 20/11/2013 14:07

He thinks you acted dishonourably by marrying outside the religion - I think that says it all. He will restrict your life just the way your parents have.

When it comes time for your children to find partners, what is going to happen? What rules are you making your children live by, by living with your parents now, and then with 'the guy' later?

TBH you seem to be swapping one cage for another, the other one just has a more attractive gaoler.

OneLittleToddleTerror · 20/11/2013 14:09

Back then there are no limits on how much you need to earn before sponsoring a spouse. DH and I just came here with his job offer.

I'm not sure what you job situation is like but here are the financial requirements for sponsoring a spouse

www.ukba.homeoffice.gov.uk/visas-immigration/partners-families/citizens-settled/spouse-cp/can-you-apply/financial/

meditrina · 20/11/2013 14:09

He won't be the only man who can form a relationship with someone who already has children - he's not special for that.

The advice you've had sounds right. He needs a fiancé visa, applied for in his home country. Or a change of status to an existing visa (which he hasn't got, but which these mysterious 'friends' might have had).

Marriage is not the only means to leave your parents house. Perhaps it might be better to move to your own place, and decide from there what (and who) you really want in your life.

shimmeringinthesun · 20/11/2013 14:12

So he's -

demanding -what he's going to do whether it's legal or not.

bartering - in accepting your children (it should go without saying)..

pointing out - YOUR mistakes (they're not mistakes, it's your choice to marry where you wish).

stating - he knows the law better than a solicitor of this country.

sulking - by not talking to you.

Careless - of what others say/think.

Read back what you have written here OP, and read it with your head, not your heart. If he is as controlling as this BEFORE you marry, what will he be like afterwards.

Run my darling, just run away from him.

Look for YOUR own home so you can live YOUR life with YOUR children, free and happy. not forever looking over your shoulder for the law, or checking what you say/do for fear of how he will twist it....because believe me, he will.

wannaBe · 20/11/2013 14:12

get rid. and get rid of your family as well. you are worth better than that, and tbh it sounds likely to me that he just wants to marry you for a visa anyway and will soon leave you high and dry after.

MurderOfGoths · 20/11/2013 14:13

He's got some cheek acting like you owe him when he's the one here illegally and putting you in an awkward (to say the least) position.

Timetoask · 20/11/2013 14:14

You are being forced into a marriage. Please don't do it. This guy is using you to become a legal immigrant. Run a mile.

TrueBoo · 20/11/2013 14:15

Walk away, please. I can see nothing positive about this man from your post.

WilsonFrickett · 20/11/2013 14:16

Well I'm sure your solicitor is right - If you are here illegally it makes sense to me that you have to leave and then come back in a legal fashion, eg the fiancee visa, before you can be married and have right to stay. So the first thing I would say is don't believe his tales of how his other friends haven't needed to go home.

But that's not the issue.

Is this your first real disagreement? Because it's not even a very big one and I would be worried - I am worried - that everytime you don't do things to his requirements the whole 'dishonour' thing is going to be chucked in your face.

You know, just because you made a decision your parents didn't like a few years ago, it doesn't mean you have to atone for it now by doing everything they want...

May I ask what his attitude is like towards your children?

Bloob · 20/11/2013 14:17

Run.

Seriously.

UriGeller · 20/11/2013 14:17

He doesn't sound like the good match your parents wanted for you.

Do they know he is in the country illegally?

ballinacup · 20/11/2013 14:17

Setting aside the red flags, your solicitor sounds crap.

It's actually true that he can get married here. It used to be the case that he'd need a Certificate of Approval but those were scrapped.

However, be aware that the UKBA do read the banns and if they see something amiss there is a chance he will be arrested and detained on your wedding day.

Once you were married you would need to set about making him legal which can be done from within the UK (PM me if you want more advice) but it's never guaranteed. You could pay for the application and a solicitor's assistance (which is going to run to at least a grand) and be refused on the basis that he could make the application from his home country.

You say he is here illegally. Is he an asylum seeker? An overstayer? Or just someone that snuck in and began working/living illegally with no fear of his home country? These things all make a massive difference.

Please do PM me if you would like more advice and I'd be happy to help.

MrsCosmopilite · 20/11/2013 14:18

Sorry but this is ringing alarm bells for me too.

His reaction about your consultation with the lawyer, and implication that you're lucky to have him because you flouted your parents wishes (and that you come with 'baggage' i.e. your children) are both unreasonable.

rainbowfeet · 20/11/2013 14:18

His very eager to get a visa attitude would worry me I'm afraid... I know not every relationship can be a big love story but it sounds more than convenient for him sorry

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 20/11/2013 14:19

The guy reminded me how he had accepted the fact I had kids, and had accepted that I made mistakes of dishonouring my family (by marrying for choice outside the religion 1st time round) and that he wasn't going to care about what people in the community gossiped about him for marrying me

That is an awful and manipulative thing to say.
If you marry him, he will continue to play this card whenever he wants to bring you back in line.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 20/11/2013 14:19

This sounds very dodgy all round. He is treating you badly and implying that he is doing a favour by offering to marry what others would (unfairly) discard for being damaged goods. It sounds like he sees this as a 'deal'. My best advice is to walk away. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

MrsDrRanj · 20/11/2013 14:23

Any man who saw my DS as a negative issue that he had to 'bravely overcome' would be told in no uncertain terms to get the fuck out of my life.

You are worth more, and your children deserve more. Get away from him and build your own life. You can do it I promise.