Dating an illegal immigrant

[Holamum]

Hi there,

This is a really sensitive topic and hope you will treat it as such too. Sorry it's long!!

Basically, my family are very religious and strict and wanted me to have an arranged marriage. I got educated, financially independent, rebelled and married someone outside the religion for love for which my parents disowned me. I had 2 children with my ex, but the relationship broke down, my ex went bankrupt and I lost my job and other things happened so that I basically had no choice but to grovel and return to my parents.

My parents don't want me and the children living with them forever and told me that I need to remarry. But they said they would disown me again if I chose my own partner (I think it's crazy!) so they found me a guy from the mosque as a potential husband (going to call him 'the guy') for an arranged marriage. We have been dating to see if we like each other, and it has been going well and I've actually fallen for him.

I knew the guy was from abroad but assumed he was on a visa or something because he works and seems settled. Anyway, he has proposed marriage to me, and after I accepted (saying I still wanted to be engaged for 1-2 years so we know each other better) he dropped the bombshell that he's an illegal immigrant. I was (still am) very scared about what that could mean for me and the kids. The guy calmed me down, reassuring me that it will be fine, and that his only crime is trying to make a better life for himself, and that he really wants to settle down with me and be a father to my kids.

I was still worried so I got some legal advice and the solicitor advised that he can't marry me in the UK anyway, because he's illegal. He would have to go back to his home country, and either I bring him over on a fiance visa or we live in his home country (which I would do as long as my ex allows my kids to emigrate).

I told the guy that I spoke to a solicitor and told him what they advised me. The guy became very upset with me and said that his friends had managed to get married without going back to their home country - he gave me a few examples and said I shouldn't listen to the solicitor. He got really moody and demanded that he wasn't going to go back to his home country. The guy reminded me how he had accepted the fact I had kids, and had accepted that I made mistakes of dishonouring my family (by marrying for choice outside the religion 1st time round) and that he wasn't going to care about what people in the community gossiped about him for marrying me. He said he isn't going to talk to me until next week now because I had upset him with the suggestion that he go back to his home country.

Am I being unreasonable? What shall I do?

Sounds like he's swapping a stepfather role for a passport.

And this is the man you plan to inflict on your children?????

If you earn enough to sponsor him on a spouse visa you earn enough to live an independent life without the control of your parents or this man. You don't need to marry to move out of your parents' house, and maybe it would be best for your children if you had a period of time living with you as the main adult in the house before thinking about marriage and adding a new stepfather into this dynamic.

It sounds to me as though he wants to use you to get a visa. Is this something your parents would support? If so then they are using you to further their own interests. If not then maybe they would help you move away from this man.

I agree with everything being said here.

No good will come of this.
Leave your parents home, live your life,

Get rid of this Man ASAP.

ballinacup is completely right. The solicitor you spoke to is not. My only (additional) caveat is that the Home Office has much more strict rules on Article 8 applications now than it has previously (this would be your partner's application as he won't fit in the requirements of the Immigration Rules because he's an illegal immigrant). He may get an easier time with a Judge but it is costly and time-consuming to get that far and success is in no way guaranteed.

So in marrying him, there is a very real possibility that he may have to leave the country. Keep that in mind. It may not be for long but it could be long-term. Is that a risk you are willing to take?

Aside from all that, I agree with everyone else he sounds like a controlling piece of work and I think you would be best to steer well clear.

One of my very best friends is taking a month out to go home to South Africa to marry the man she met here. They started their relationship in the UK when he was on a legitimate visa. It has now expired and the advice from their solicitors is they need to go back to SA (where they are both originally from) to marry as his over stayer status means that if he want's to apply for a indefinite leave to remain in the UK it is far easier and simpler if the marriage takes place in South Africa.

Get out now. I can't pretend to understand the arranged marriage thing as I have no experience of it, but his behaviour is alarming and your post suggests his interests in you are nothing more than Visa-orientated. Sorry.

Aside from the fact you'd be breaking the law, I don't understand why you think your only option is to remarry. I know it's what your parents want, but you've gone against their wishes before.

You can make a life for you and your children without relying on an illegal marriage. If your parents throw you out, surely you'll be classed as homeless and eligible for social housing? I'm not saying it'll be easy and of course if you can't rely on family members for support that'll be tough too, but lots of people cope as single mothers.

Do you really think an illegal marriage will be the answer to all your problems? What will you do if it doesn't work out?

"What shall I do?"

Leave this tit, and your controlling family unless you want a life of misery.

And even if you do, your kids don't. Seriously, just leave.

He doesn't want you. He wants your passport. He has pretty much told you this already.

Don't do anything illegal!

mitchsta the OP would not be breaking the law by getting married. There's nothing legal preventing the marriage itself. Legally, the difficulty is in getting him permission to stay here afterwards.

Run away, run away now.

Forget legalities his instant turnaround and speaking of your children like burdens and you like a shameful woman speaks to a future abusive man. Don't do this to your kids please!

You CAN stand on your own 2 feet. Be savvy use the accomodation time at your parents to find a job and get advice from CAB. Find your own home to rent and move out.

You CAN do this alone, is your ex paying anything? ?

What everyone has already said...

When you typed this post did you realise this guy does not love you? I hope so.

Please don't. Nothing else to add to what has been said.

I know this is cultural and has probably been drilled into you about how parents and elders are always right and have to be listened to.

But you have done it before. Leave your parents house and 'the guy' as well. He sounds so controlling and you are only engaged and have the upper hand here so to speak as he is here illegally. He is showing you his true colors here. What do you think he will be like when married.

He does not respect you and please think of your children. What sort of father will he be to them when he feels like they are a burden he will take on.

Can I just say that you don't have to get married in order to stop living with your parents.
Maybe you wouldn't have "fallen for" this guy if you felt more independent - and less like it had to work.

Look into your options. find out what benefits you are entitled to on your own

Leave this man, leave your family. Otherwise you're doomed to a life of misery, and your children are too.

Trazzletoes point taken. My advice still stands.

Given that he can't be working legally I assume it would be down to you to show that you can meet the financial requirement. Is your income over £18600 pa?

What OrangeJuiceSandwich said.

You run the risk of the HO turning up at your wedding and arresting him.

If this is a country you would happily move to and take your children then it is not likely he is an asylum seeker, he is just someone here illegally.

his only crime is trying to make a better life for himself

No his first crime was entering the country illegally. The next one is him working, again that's a crime. Does his employer know? The employer can be fined £10 000 for employing him. Does he drive? It is unlikely he has a propper licence and that means he doesn't have insurance, even if he is paying for it.

So sorry you have fallen for him, he is not interested in you. He has probably been saying everything you wanted to hear, but not meaning it.

Arranged marriages are not forced marriages. Any marriage has to be based on trust, this is someone breaking the law and telling you not to listen to a solicitor, is that someone you can trust?

Karma Nirvana work against forced marriages and 'honour' crimes. I know that is not your exact situation but they can provide information about housing, benefits, anything that means you can (your choice) leave your parents home and live on your own.

www.karmanirvana.org.uk

Love, your parents are treating you like an incumbance and have raised you to think you are a burden to be offloaded onto. This is wrong. It may be common, but this doesn't make it right.

My Ex was Egyptian, I lived there for years and saw what women are expected to put up with in the name of tradition, family and religion. It was heartbreaking to see generations of women be treated like this and actually disconcerting to see how upset they were if NOT abused/threatened and pushed about.

Any decent parent would want their child to marry well, to be happy, but yours (and mine coincidentally) couldn't give a damn about who it was to take you on, but that THEIR honour/image comes before your happiness.

You don't have to be married to anyone, and you don't have to be bullied into accepting the choice of those that genuinely are not invested in your happiness OR for that matter the safety of your children.

I bet he's paid your parents off hasn't he? he'll have paid someone. They usually do.

He's already controlling you and he's not even married. he thinks you are hooked and dumb enough to do as you are told, and take what he thinks you deserve. If he is like this now, know that he will only get worse and he will get violent. he may even harm you seriously and your kids.

My love, please walk away from him and from your parents if you have to. Let them disown you, they don't deserve you either.

I know this sounds harsh, I know how it sounds, but normal societal rules just don't apply here. Can you see how the rest of our society expects more than what you are told you have to take in the name of someone else.

Thing is love, your family dynamic is so warped that you will be told that you will be disowned, that you will bring shame and dishonour upon the family, that you will burn in hell, whatever it takes literally for you to do as you are told.

Have you thought about contacting www.karmanirvana.org.uk/ for support?

You are being forced into an abusive relationship by your family. 2 women a week are killed by domestic violence in this country, please don't assume you won't be one of them.

Please keep talking to us? We all want you and your DC to be safe, nothing else matters. You can get help from the Govt and all sorts of places to help you keep things together.

No freaking way.

Besides, you now, as the sponsoring spouse, have to be earning over a certain amount to be allowed to bring your non-UK spouse into the country, and it's quite a lot if you have kids -- I think around £25K. Are you earning that?

Tell your parents that it's not going to work, and that you want them to arrange a marriage with an EU citizen or legal resident. There MUST be other options.

He's the one with issues or who is "damaged goods", because he's breaking the law. Not you. What a cheeky fucker he is.

Do your parents know of his status? I'd be very surprised if so, unless they think you and your lovely children are an embarrassment and quite fancy shipping you off abroad.

Do you have the resources to support yourself? Are you working?

Look at it this way, he sees your children as a mistake, he's a lawbreaker, he's sulking to try and get you back into line so he's a bully.

If I were you I'd be waking up and calling the Home Office to shop him. That would show him exactly where he stands, the man who thinks he can look down on you!

I would walk away. This man is not good news. Create a life away from him and your parents, you did it once you can do it again.

(Oh - and you have the upper hand, so you don't need to be afraid. If he threatens you, tell UKBA about him. You can even do it anoymously.)