Dating an illegal immigrant

[Holamum]

Hi there,

This is a really sensitive topic and hope you will treat it as such too. Sorry it's long!!

Basically, my family are very religious and strict and wanted me to have an arranged marriage. I got educated, financially independent, rebelled and married someone outside the religion for love for which my parents disowned me. I had 2 children with my ex, but the relationship broke down, my ex went bankrupt and I lost my job and other things happened so that I basically had no choice but to grovel and return to my parents.

My parents don't want me and the children living with them forever and told me that I need to remarry. But they said they would disown me again if I chose my own partner (I think it's crazy!) so they found me a guy from the mosque as a potential husband (going to call him 'the guy') for an arranged marriage. We have been dating to see if we like each other, and it has been going well and I've actually fallen for him.

I knew the guy was from abroad but assumed he was on a visa or something because he works and seems settled. Anyway, he has proposed marriage to me, and after I accepted (saying I still wanted to be engaged for 1-2 years so we know each other better) he dropped the bombshell that he's an illegal immigrant. I was (still am) very scared about what that could mean for me and the kids. The guy calmed me down, reassuring me that it will be fine, and that his only crime is trying to make a better life for himself, and that he really wants to settle down with me and be a father to my kids.

I was still worried so I got some legal advice and the solicitor advised that he can't marry me in the UK anyway, because he's illegal. He would have to go back to his home country, and either I bring him over on a fiance visa or we live in his home country (which I would do as long as my ex allows my kids to emigrate).

I told the guy that I spoke to a solicitor and told him what they advised me. The guy became very upset with me and said that his friends had managed to get married without going back to their home country - he gave me a few examples and said I shouldn't listen to the solicitor. He got really moody and demanded that he wasn't going to go back to his home country. The guy reminded me how he had accepted the fact I had kids, and had accepted that I made mistakes of dishonouring my family (by marrying for choice outside the religion 1st time round) and that he wasn't going to care about what people in the community gossiped about him for marrying me. He said he isn't going to talk to me until next week now because I had upset him with the suggestion that he go back to his home country.

Am I being unreasonable? What shall I do?

RED FLAGS RED FLAGS RED FLAGS

My love, your issue here isn't his immigration status.

It's the fact that he's manipulative, abusive, controlling and not good enough to have in your house, let alone have access to your children.

Your further issue is that your parents are sponsoring this abuse of you, and contributing to it, further eroding your self worth and that of your children.

People do marry illegals for love, and it can work.

This guy wouldn't be suitable for marriage even if he were dipped in gold and lay on a bed of precious jewels. He's a nasty common or garden misogynist, and he'd only get worse and worse and worse.

He will beat you, and probably your kids. You'd be repeating a cycle, and raising your dc to expect the same.

Only you can prevent that, you can break the cycle and show your DC that it doesn't have to be like that.

I had to tell my DS aged 5 why his dad was leaving us, that it's not right for daddy to shout at mummy, that it's not right for him to feel afraid in his own house. I did this because it's important that he knows not to emulate what he's seen. It's important that he sees that I wasn't the one that broke his family, abuse did.

3 years on we're stronger than ever before, he's grown leaps and bounds and is happy, confident and all the little nervous ticks he had have gone.

Getting away from an abusive dynamic is so hard, to stand strong against parents who have an interest in seeing you wither and shrivel at the hands of a bully is so very hard, but there isn't any other option when you realise the truth. You can't come back from that.

Be strong. We're here ans we do understand.

I agree with Hissy. No matter what his visa status, the important thing from your point of view is the way he treats you. And considering that this is a stage that you would expect him to be being super nice to you yet has started insulting you and blackmailing you, we'll that says it all.

He may go on to be a great citizen, tax player and contribution to the country but I fear he will never make a loving respectful DH to anyone if he can use and abuse a woman in this way. He tried the asylum route , you were his next tactic. I understand why people want to pursue better opportunities, but you have done the right thing in not letting it be at your personal cost.

Also, deep stable relationships based on love take a long time to fall into place. You can't know you will be happy with someone after a series of dates that go well. You have now given yourself that chance to take your time should you wish to develop a relationship in the future.

Do keep using MN For support .

I am just really pleased to have seen a woman take decisive and brave action as you have done! Big congratulations.

Well done op!

Just to add my tuppence worth, what you have just avoided is abuse disguised as culture.

So pleased for you, hope you can get back on your own two feet x

When the guy said his only crime was trying to make a better life for himself, I actually felt sorry for him.

I don't.

He is not wanting a better life for a family. He is not fleeing persecution. He is not trying to make things better in his own country.

He is making a better life for himself by taking a job that should be done by someone here legally.

He has basically stolen the livelihood of another person.

Hi Holamum, glad there has been some progress for you.

Theres nothing wrong in falling for an illegal immigrant, as long as that love is real. But his words and actions make me think that he is marrying you for citizenship. After he gets this, who knows what will happen?

If he is religious he probably wants your DC to follow that religion devoutly too. And will he really care about your DC?

And will your parents really cut you and their grand-children out of their lives because you wont do as they ask you? It doesn't sound like they want whats best for you. It sounds like they want whats best for their image as a family.

holamum huge applause to you for being so strong and decisive. I am in awe of you. Please keep going along your own track - you're amazing!