Dating an illegal immigrant

[Holamum]

Hi there,

This is a really sensitive topic and hope you will treat it as such too. Sorry it's long!!

Basically, my family are very religious and strict and wanted me to have an arranged marriage. I got educated, financially independent, rebelled and married someone outside the religion for love for which my parents disowned me. I had 2 children with my ex, but the relationship broke down, my ex went bankrupt and I lost my job and other things happened so that I basically had no choice but to grovel and return to my parents.

My parents don't want me and the children living with them forever and told me that I need to remarry. But they said they would disown me again if I chose my own partner (I think it's crazy!) so they found me a guy from the mosque as a potential husband (going to call him 'the guy') for an arranged marriage. We have been dating to see if we like each other, and it has been going well and I've actually fallen for him.

I knew the guy was from abroad but assumed he was on a visa or something because he works and seems settled. Anyway, he has proposed marriage to me, and after I accepted (saying I still wanted to be engaged for 1-2 years so we know each other better) he dropped the bombshell that he's an illegal immigrant. I was (still am) very scared about what that could mean for me and the kids. The guy calmed me down, reassuring me that it will be fine, and that his only crime is trying to make a better life for himself, and that he really wants to settle down with me and be a father to my kids.

I was still worried so I got some legal advice and the solicitor advised that he can't marry me in the UK anyway, because he's illegal. He would have to go back to his home country, and either I bring him over on a fiance visa or we live in his home country (which I would do as long as my ex allows my kids to emigrate).

I told the guy that I spoke to a solicitor and told him what they advised me. The guy became very upset with me and said that his friends had managed to get married without going back to their home country - he gave me a few examples and said I shouldn't listen to the solicitor. He got really moody and demanded that he wasn't going to go back to his home country. The guy reminded me how he had accepted the fact I had kids, and had accepted that I made mistakes of dishonouring my family (by marrying for choice outside the religion 1st time round) and that he wasn't going to care about what people in the community gossiped about him for marrying me. He said he isn't going to talk to me until next week now because I had upset him with the suggestion that he go back to his home country.

Am I being unreasonable? What shall I do?

Don't know anything about immigration so can't comment on that, but please leave your parents before they leak their poison onto your children.

OP, come back and talk to us. I feel worried for you.

The guy is a knobber. Dump him. You and your DCs can do better than someone who acts like that.

As an aside, you know you don't have a choice between a man or your parents looking after you? Can you not just move out with your DCs, start your own life, if htey won't give you a home anymore, have you tried asking the council if you could be housed? Do you have a job now? Savings enough to get a private rental?

Just walk away and rebuild your own life. If someone comes along to share it with you because they want you, great, but don't settle for someone who just wants a british passport.

"The guy reminded me how he had accepted the fact I had kids, and had accepted that I made mistakes of dishonouring my family (by marrying for choice outside the religion 1st time round) and that he wasn't going to care about what people in the community gossiped about him for marrying me"

He says this now, as HotDamn says, but by christ I will put everything I have on the fact that he will use this to beat you continually with.

he is telling you that you are damaged goods, that no-one else would take you on, that you are something to be ashamed of and it will go on and on and on. I promise you that the things he is saying that he doesn't have a problem with are EXACTLY the things he DOES have an issue with.

I have been there and got the t-shirt, and my Ex had been a UK citizen for over 10 years when I met him. An abuser is an abuser.

he's been raised that way. he knows no different and will use his religion to back his thinking up.

Seen it 80 million times over...

There is an organisation that you can contact to talk about this. It's called Karma Nirvana, and I think they will understand the pressures you are being put under.

hes using you. I know a lot about immigration law and its a loop hole in the system that hes trying to get through. Dont fall for it. I assume your family are doing it to bring 'izzat' back. Please dont fall for it, save yourself and more importantly your dc

"The guy became very upset with me and said that his friends had managed to get married without going back to their home country - he gave me a few examples and said I shouldn't listen to the solicitor. He got really moody and demanded that he wasn't going to go back to his home country. The guy reminded me how he had accepted the fact I had kids, and had accepted that I made mistakes of dishonouring my family (by marrying for choice outside the religion 1st time round) and that he wasn't going to care about what people in the community gossiped about him for marrying me. He said he isn't going to talk to me until next week now because I had upset him with the suggestion that he go back to his home country. "

This is not the behaviour of someone who actually loves you and wants to marry you.
How dare he talk as if he is doing you some kind of favour in marrying you? How dare he talk of you so disrespectfully - in terms of dishonour and gossip? How dare he try and emotionally blackmail you?

In any case, whatever he says, unless you enter into some fraudulent or dodgy illegal arrangement h your solicitor is right - you can't actually marry him as an illegal immigrant.

Oh, and it has been 'going OK' until there is a fly in the pintment over his marrying you to obtain his citizenship!!!
This tells you all you need to know.

Please, please, do not marry him.

Get a flat, get the benefits you are entitiled to, get a job, make friends who are supportive, and live your life happily and independently, so that you are able to make actual choices, not succumb to blackmail from firstly your parents and then men like this!

Choiuces - YOUR choices.

Good luck!

(and sorry it has been so hard for you so far)

the fact he is an illegal immigrant he should be reported not trying to gain a free passport..He will love his passport far more than you or your kids

hes not bothered because all the twat wants is a red passport to benefits
Your family could be prosecuted for knowing an illegal immigrants whereabouts amd not contacting the police.

If it came to that they would most likely either fine your and sentence your family

His mates probably married European women.
Thats thw biggest loop hole.

This looks to me like a Win Win Lose situation

Parents get rid of the social embarressment of an divorced daughter - Win

Potential Husband gets the right to be in the country legally - Win

OP gets a DH who only cares about what he can get from her - Lose

Neither your potential DH nor your Parents have your best interests at heart here. The both have something to gain from your marriage to this man. You have a lot to lose if his reaction to you going to a solicitor is anything to go by.

Your parents have selected a random guy from the mosque, who needs a visa to marry you? ...maybe their lack of foresight respect and understanding is why you rebelled in the first place?

He just needs a visa. He ll marry any willing silly woman. Be careful

isitme1 that is the biggest load of bollocks I've ever read, and I spend my days reading Home Office decisions so trust me, I've read some shit in my time.

It's not a crime to know an illegal entrant, or even to have a relationship with them without reporting them. It's a crime to employ someone in that position, but the government have not begun actively policing our interpersonal relationships just yet.

Thank you so much for the replies!!

I feel like an idiot for being so blind!! It is a real disappointment, but the kids have to come first.

I am just very scared of 'dishonouring' my parents again. Emotionally and psychologically it was torture to lose my family the 1st time, and I dread to think I have to go through it again. It's a cultural thing and I'm sorry if it's hard to comprehend.

What is true is that I was my DCs to grow up with open minds, and will see if I can move near my ex, as he is the most reliable person to help me because he cares about the DCs.

Thanks. Will be savvy and workout how to get out this situation. I really appreciated the reminder that I have done it once and can do it again.

But you don't have to dishonour them. Tell them he did something culturally reprehensible, and that you want an arrangement with someone else. Someone with an EU passport.

(Or even better, your own solution - moving near your DC's dad, who actually cares about them.)

Really. Dont think your reading with your eyes open.

I have a lot of experience with immigration.

A friend of the family was here illegally. There was a show on the telly were they can ring in and ask what to do. They were tols marry someone from a European country and you will get the visa.
And guess what.
He did.
And hes got his visa.
Have you never seen a Pakistani with a polish lady?
I've seen shit loads and its all for a red passport.

Op
Are you Pakistani? Or understand urdu?
Just asking. Before im flammed for that
If so check dm digital out tomorrow night between 7-9
(Cant remember the exact time)

Ohh
Non urdu speakers can watch too.

You wont understand much like myself.

I watched it oncw with a Pakistani friend who interpreted

It's a cultural thing and I'm sorry if it's hard to comprehend.

It is exactly that, cultural. A Muslim woman doesn't have to be married, but a lot of families think they do, often because they come from a culture that demands it.

A single, or divorced woman is a problem to be solved.

But you are not a problem, you are a human being with as many rights as the next person.

It is difficult for some families to accept, I rarely see mine and I'm seen as a failure by my mother because I have not produced grandchildren for her.

I have good friends who don't think I'm a failure and do think I'm worth their time.

You can do this.

No isitme1 I'm not Pakistani, nor do I speak Urdu.

But I am a qualified Immigration Solicitor.

I'm not disputing that unscrupulous people - not just men - marry in order to regularise their stay here in the UK. What I'm disputing is your incredibly badly informed assertion that merely knowing an illegal entrant and failing to report them to the relevant authorities could possibly result in a fine and/or custodial sentence.

Massive red flags for me. I'll be honest and say I don't understand much about the cultural aspect of this, but on a personal level, he is not respecting you. You made the effort to investigate the situation and he is making you feel bad about this and disregarding the solicitor's legal advice. More than anything, it sounds like he's of the opinion that he's doing you and your parents a massive favour by marrying you and taking on your kids. I'm not suggested he doesn't genuinely love you, but I reckon if he was serious he'd have done the research himself.

He probably thinks the law won't apply to him if he just marries you over here anyway, but wouldn't he need proof of citizenship to apply for a marriage licence? (I've no experience of that, it's just a query so I'm sorry if that's complete rubbish.) I'm sorry but I don't think he's the right man for you. You have proved you can live independently and your parents still survived it! It's your life to live the way you want.

Sashh, its sad that your mother sees value in only your womb and not anything you contribute to society.

I think it's great you are seeing you have other options. As others have said, this is a cultural thing not a religous thing, and culture is optional (even if those who are commited to it don't think so).

Anyway, I think your plan to try to move near your ex is a very good one. build a life away from your parents, you don't need to dishonour them, but you also don't need to live your life in a way that they control.

And no matter what, this bloke sounds like a knobber, regardless of immigration status and religious/cultural background.

Well done Holamum for seeking legal advice and then getting support and advice on here.

The advice you have taken is spot on and anything your partner has said should be ignored . He may well know people who have married but it will either have been an illegal marriage or your situation would have been completely different to the ones he is talking about.

I'm so glad that you have decided to get out of this. I know it must be incredibly hard to realise that you are going to have to do it all over again, but you have done it before and you were happy and you know it will be the best thing you could possibly do for your children.

Good luck!