Dating an illegal immigrant

[Holamum]

Hi there,

This is a really sensitive topic and hope you will treat it as such too. Sorry it's long!!

Basically, my family are very religious and strict and wanted me to have an arranged marriage. I got educated, financially independent, rebelled and married someone outside the religion for love for which my parents disowned me. I had 2 children with my ex, but the relationship broke down, my ex went bankrupt and I lost my job and other things happened so that I basically had no choice but to grovel and return to my parents.

My parents don't want me and the children living with them forever and told me that I need to remarry. But they said they would disown me again if I chose my own partner (I think it's crazy!) so they found me a guy from the mosque as a potential husband (going to call him 'the guy') for an arranged marriage. We have been dating to see if we like each other, and it has been going well and I've actually fallen for him.

I knew the guy was from abroad but assumed he was on a visa or something because he works and seems settled. Anyway, he has proposed marriage to me, and after I accepted (saying I still wanted to be engaged for 1-2 years so we know each other better) he dropped the bombshell that he's an illegal immigrant. I was (still am) very scared about what that could mean for me and the kids. The guy calmed me down, reassuring me that it will be fine, and that his only crime is trying to make a better life for himself, and that he really wants to settle down with me and be a father to my kids.

I was still worried so I got some legal advice and the solicitor advised that he can't marry me in the UK anyway, because he's illegal. He would have to go back to his home country, and either I bring him over on a fiance visa or we live in his home country (which I would do as long as my ex allows my kids to emigrate).

I told the guy that I spoke to a solicitor and told him what they advised me. The guy became very upset with me and said that his friends had managed to get married without going back to their home country - he gave me a few examples and said I shouldn't listen to the solicitor. He got really moody and demanded that he wasn't going to go back to his home country. The guy reminded me how he had accepted the fact I had kids, and had accepted that I made mistakes of dishonouring my family (by marrying for choice outside the religion 1st time round) and that he wasn't going to care about what people in the community gossiped about him for marrying me. He said he isn't going to talk to me until next week now because I had upset him with the suggestion that he go back to his home country.

Am I being unreasonable? What shall I do?

It actually says quite a lot about your parents that they would rather palm you off with someone they know who is illegal who may potentially have dodgy motives, just to preserve the family honour.

I completely agree! OP you sound like an independent woman who knows her own mind. Don't settle for this man who appears to have one thing in mind (making himself legal - at your expense), just to appease your family. They aren't acting in your best interests - they just want you married off so that they appear respectable to their friends and neighbours and goodness knows what horrible situation you'll end up in once this man gets his feet under the table and that red passport in his hands. I'd be tempted to shop him to the UK Border Agency if it was me.

"I told the guy that I spoke to a solicitor and told him what they advised me. The guy became very upset with me and said that his friends had managed to get married without going back to their home country - he gave me a few examples and said I shouldn't listen to the solicitor. He got really moody and demanded that he wasn't going to go back to his home country. The guy reminded me how he had accepted the fact I had kids, and had accepted that I made mistakes of dishonouring my family (by marrying for choice outside the religion 1st time round) and that he wasn't going to care about what people in the community gossiped about him for marrying me. He said he isn't going to talk to me until next week now because I had upset him with the suggestion that he go back to his home country. "

He's doing a deal to stay in UK. end of. He's negiotiating with you like it's a business like ok I'm an overstayer but you are are a person who is unmarriagable, so we help each other.

Lovely - this is ok until the point you marry him and he gets rights - thereafter - he's in control.

What sort of life will you create for your children and yourself?

The man is clearly using you to get legal British citizenship.

You clearly need support and not encouraged into this situation.

Try to move away and set up home with your children where they come first. Think of gaining qualifications perhaps and building a career for yourself and your children. Concentrate on things that will improve your life and make you happy. Maybe along the way you will meet someone who will appreciate you and your children. Steer away from this jerk who thinks he is doing you a favour.

I tried calling Karma Nirvana but had no answer. I guess they are open certain times.

I just broke off the engagement by text (not the greatest way, I know, but it's probably the safest). I didn't explain my reasons. He hasn't replied.

Told my parents and they are fuming. They think I'm very ungrateful etc. etc. just have to put up with their anger for a bit now. I have an appointment with CAB will look into my options and moving out.

Thanks for helping - I'm glad I reached out for advice.

Oh well done lovey!

Btw, you don't have to put up with their anger, tell them he's not good enough for you or your dc, and you're disappointed they think that little of your family to even consider putting them at risk by forcing that man onto them.

Take the moral high ground, it's well and truly yours.

You are awesome! Well done! Stay strong.

Can you please change your number so that man can't hassle you? Call the police if he contacts you. Every time.

Well done.

Your parents need to understand this man will not look after you but screw up your life.
You need to put your children and yourself first.

Good luck.

Try contacting Karma Nirvana by email - they have to be discreet because they have so many threats against them.

Chunderella - thanks.

Out of curiosity why has the law changed? Is it to make things easie for illegal immigrants?

*easier

Wow, Hola, that was decisive! Good for you!

Very brave to tell your parents, but in their heart of hearts they must know he was a dodgy bet. And they are mistaken: he isn't your best chance, and if he was, it's irrelevant because you don't actually need a DH, you can be independent and self sufficient until you want a DH again.

Sorry it is uncomfortable with your parents at the moment, but your strength will pay off in the longer term.

hola - keep calling KN - you need help away from your entire situation.

Well done in breaking off engagement.

It would be a marriage of convience for him.

My daunt had her first love do her wrong years back(probably before I was born) by saying he was going on a trip to india -when he was to return they'd marry. He returned - he had already married.

She was devestated. In her 40's she met a man - a neighbour in mumbai - she fell in love (rest of family was laughing as he was awful plus married with a daughter)

Somehow -he dirvorced first wife - they married -he came here - he was a w'xxxxxx and then once his residency and passport were confirmed he divorced daunt (no shit sherlock - we all saw his happening) and he returned to india - remarried his first wife and brought her and his daughter here - and have been taunting daunt ever since (she's now nearly 70 years old).

Meet someone on your turf who can offer you what you offer them.

Your right to a decent and lawful life trumps any 'family dignity'.

Hi Chunderella join the club it's always nice to come across fellow solicitors on here.

The law re: being able to get married hasn't changed to make it easier for immigrants - the Government is making it extremely difficult for the vast majority of people to come here and stay here right now. It's a Human Rights issue. The Government is not allowed to restrict your right to marry just because you or your partner is here illegally. They can, however, turn up at the ceremony and begin steps to remove him.

You have some serious courage Hola, I'm really impressed

keep going, you won't regret it xx

Sounds like he is using you for a visa.

Well done, you are amazing! I wish I had the same courage and decisiveness about much more trivial situations.

Good luck for the future.

Trazzletoes - that is interesting.

One of the friends the guy talked about who was an illegal immigrant and managed to stay did it like this: he had a religious marriage to UK lady, got her pregnant, then applied for civil marriage, by which time UKBA took him to a detention centre, then his pregnant lady came and said she was having his baby, so they let him out and he was allowed to marry etc. apparently they claim benefits and the fact they have a child means that the benefits can't be taken off them (meaning they get around the laws about having to earn a minimum amount).

If that is how people are getting around the laws I think it makes a mockery of the system. It is interesting though.

Hmmm the cynic in me thinks that it opens it up to abuse. I.e. people having children just to stay in UK. A bit like the stereotype of the teenage mums getting pregnant just to get a council house. It's not fair on the children. That's my opinion anyway!

Hola it has been known to happen...

Yeah I see the dilemma.

Do you blame the illegal immigrants for trying?

When the guy said his only crime was trying to make a better life for himself, I actually felt sorry for him. Back home he was stuck in poverty, and that's what drove him to the UK.

The world is a funny place!!