All too often when a child does something badly wrong in society, the universal cry that goes up is 'where were the parents?' At work, is my first thought!
When a child is being cared for by an adult, it doesn't stop learning. Life is a learning experience. Whoever has the child for most of the time, or most of the 'quality' time to be more accurate, is the one who proportionally contributes more to the child's learning and shaping them as a person.
If the primary caregiver is a parent, they'll have a greater influence, if it's a childminder, they'll have the greatest influence. The child won't stop learning from life simply because the parents see the time the child spends with others as simply childcare.
My mum worked full time when I was little. I saw very little of her and certainly got bugger all quality time with her as I'd go to bed at 7.30pm and wake up at 7am. She'd get in at 6-6.30 depending on traffic and leave at 8am. That gave her at best 1.5 hours at night and 30 mins in the morning. In the morning that'd be spent getting her and me ready. In the evening there was an evening meal to eat and clear away (my dad always cooked on weekdays as well as doing the general chores). So, at best an hour of quality time with my mum every weekday. She didn't have time to do homework, take me to after school clubs or generally just enjoy being together.
So, was my mum the main influence in my life? Not even close! Yet if I'd got into trouble society's outcry would be, 'where were the parents?' At work, and they had very little input into instilling their values into me or shaping me to be a good adult.
As I got older, I went to bed later and got more time with her.
My dad worked shifts 6 days a week but shorter hours a day so I got more time with him. When times got tough financially he took on extra work and they paid my neighbour so I went there after school until one of my parents got home. I spent more time with other people than with my parents and other people were a greater influence on shaping me.
Hubby had the benefit of a parent at home, we are lucky to be in a position for me to be at home. It worked out that it would be me due to me finding out I was pregnant just after I was made redundant. I was earning more than hubby prior to that and further along in my career.
I don't stay at home as a mum. I never did coffee mornings or watch daytime telly. Being the stereotypical stay at home mum would have bored the tits off me and I'd have at least needed to work part time if that's how I needed to kill my time.
I see the keeping house aspect of not being in paid work to be drudgery and it's unskilled and mostly unappreciated. That's the bit that both working and non working parents have to do unless they get a cleaner in. It's the raising of your child that someone else has to do in your absence when you are at work, whatever the term you choose to use for that.
My hubby is a parent whether he's with our daughter or at work. However, he would never assert he's had as much direct day to day influence in shaping our daughter as I have.
Somebody needed to earn to support our family and circumstances meant it was him. Because we are lucky that his hard work in his career is being rewarded accordingly (when so many others work just as hard and aren't being as well rewarded) it has meant we have been able to get by without my wage. It costs us for me to remain out of paid work. On balance though, it's best for our family but I couldn't have coped as the stereotypical coffee morning/daytime telly type mum. I was never going to be that anyway given my personality type. I'm not a fan if stereotypes but I didn't mix with many of the parents who didn't work because they were like that. We didn't have much in common.
If I hadn't been made redundant then I'd have returned to work part time but not full time, I don't think I'd have chosen to give up my job. We are lucky to have the choice and for one wage to be adequate for how we are happy to live. My parents both needed a full time wage to meet their quality of life expectations but the price in terms of parenting me was they certainly weren't my main influences in my younger years. Pointing this out may not be popular with those working hours that leave very little time with the children (whether by choice or necessity) but it's true. My hubby can attest to that as a working parent. He's sacrificing his parenting time to be at work, I'm sacrificing my career, we are all foregoing the benefits a 2 wage family would have bought. We can only do what we have to, or make the choices we think suits or circumstances best if we are lucky enough to have choices.
I can't begin to express how lucky we are to have choices when so many if our hardworking friends don't have that luxury. We are truly blessed.