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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OK, I should have asked first but I honestly don't see why it's such a big deal!

322 replies

DrSeuss · 17/11/2013 10:00

DD plays the clarinet . We currently rent one. I saw one going very cheaply on eBay, collection only, four miles from SIL but hundreds of miles from us. We will be seeing SIL at Christmas. She is child free by choice. (Her husband is a giant toddler but that's a whole other story!). I bought the clarinette immediately before anyone else could. This will very soon pay for itself. I rang SIL, asking if she could collect it for me please. DD is her only niece, it was four miles. I would have done that without question for anyone I know. I genuinely saw no problem although I agree it would have been more polite to ask first. However, waiting for SIL to answer the phone or return an email can take time. She has no kids and works part time. Thirty minutes to help someone who has helped her parents a fair bit seemed a reasonable ask.
She will collect the clarinet for us, I have been informed. However, I am not to assume she will help at any other time unless I have her full consent in advance.

OP posts:
BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 17/11/2013 12:34

Child free by choice or not, it's her life, not yours, and her time, not yours. Yes, you should have asked. She's asked you to ask in future. She is doing you the favour. Why are YOU making this such a big deal? Living in a big town doesn't make you selfish, btw.

Iamsparklyknickers · 17/11/2013 12:34

But the SIL is doing it, and only after a number of times being asked pestered has admitted that yes she would prefer to be asked in the future and that she's annoyed. It's really unfair to goad someone into admitting something you suspect and then using it as a stick to beat them with when they were probably just going to suck it up and do it because they were trying to remain helpful even though they were annoyed.

Surely the kindness here is to acknowledge the imposition and agree to do that in the future and thank for doing it this time?

It's really not a big deal, but the over thinking and tallying up of who does what has the potential to become something that tarnishes the relationship further.

LondonNicki · 17/11/2013 12:36

She's refusing on a point of principal, she's not refusing because it's inconvenient so you might want to think about the principal....? Judging from your numerous references to her being child free my guess is that's what's bothering her, your assumption that she has loads of time free because she's not a parent. It's patronising and presumptuous.

Thumbwitch · 17/11/2013 12:37

She's not refusing to do it, London.

SlightlyDampWellies · 17/11/2013 12:37

Yes, what Iam says. If you have the spare cash, send her a bunch of flowers from Interflora, or send her a thank you card.

Your presumed her time was not important, and then was surprised to be brought up on that. I would be eating a little bit of humble pie tbh.

teacherandguideleader · 17/11/2013 12:37

A friend of mine recently bought something off ebay and asked later if I would collect it as it would be a 100 mile round trip for her, but only 20 mile round trip for me. I was really annoyed as I felt like I couldn't say no even though it really put me out and added an hour on to my journey home (driving was through busy towns).

When I got there, it was a block of flats on a really dodgy estate. I was really angry with my friend for putting me in a potentially dangerous situation - I became very anxious going inside to collect it. I will never say yes to collecting something for someone from a person's house ever again, permission sought before purchase or not.

MarshaBrady · 17/11/2013 12:39

Yep you should have asked, and it's fair enough that the response is ask first next time.

Lazyjaney · 17/11/2013 12:40

OPs attitude to SIL is fairly dismissive, I suspect this was well known by both long before the favour was requested.

gobbynorthernbird · 17/11/2013 12:41

She is doing you the favour, and has asked for the courtesy of being consulted in advance next time. Not unreasonable.

And, for what it's worth, I wouldn't collect, or have an item collected, from/by an unknown person on my own. I appreciate that the risks are small, but I would rather have DH or one of the older DSS with me, just in case. So if this were me I'd have to arrange around when they were free, which would make things more logistically difficult.

EBearhug · 17/11/2013 12:41

I'm another who thinks that as she is going to collect it, then she is not out of order. It's not unreasonable to ask people to check first, even if it is an eBay thing.

I am childless, but I do fill my spare time with other activities, and in the next couple of weeks, I will have very little time at all - work, a couple of weekends away (which I would have preferred to spread out, but it's fitting in with other people's schedules), and some evening events, some of which are because of the time of year - planning for Christmas things coming up.

I probably could fit in collecting something 4 miles away, particularly if it's on the way to something else I've already got planned, but to be honest, it would be adding pressure that I don't particularly need for the next couple of weeks, and I would be pissed off if someone arranged for me to do something without even checking with me first. I've already had to cancel one meeting to fit everything else in.

SantanaLopez · 17/11/2013 12:44

YABU!

I would absolutely hate to have to go a stranger's house to collect something.

MarshaBrady · 17/11/2013 12:44

I don't really do eBay as I find it too much of a faff. So I wouldn't want other people to assume that I'd happily do their part of the faff for them.

Would irritate me and I would probably tell dh too. It's pretty lucky she is doing it anyway.

Perhaps rather than being cross at her response you could show her that you appreciate the effort.

ImperialBlether · 17/11/2013 12:45

Teacherandguideleader, with respect, that is a completely different situation.

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock · 17/11/2013 12:49

People who don't have children have lives too and cannot just be presumed upon to drop everything for people who are parents.

The same goes for people who work part-time.

Extremely arrogant of you, OP. YABU.

Imperial, there is no 'Of course' about it. How on earth do you presume to know what other people do with their 'free time'?

pianodoodle · 17/11/2013 12:50

I don't know why she'd make the point at all if she was going to do it anyway.

Even if I felt a bit put out I'd probably assume that picking up a clarinet wasn't going to turn into a habit... Confused

jacks365 · 17/11/2013 12:54

Imperial you ask where the kindness is but was it kind of the op to presume her sil would do something without asking first. My parents would pick anything up if I needed them to however I would never buy something from ebay without clearing it with them first, to me that is simply good manners.

Salmotrutta · 17/11/2013 12:55

I'm happy to help people out if I can.

I'm not happy for it to be assumed I will help out and presented with what is essentially a fait accompli.

Sounds like she agreed to be polite through gritted teeth but is possibly well aware of how you view her and her husband - she knows you don't like her.

And what has her husband got to do with this - why stick a little insult about him in there?

SueDoku · 17/11/2013 12:58

I'm with ImperialBlether on this - it would never have occurred to me to ask a member of my family first about such a small thing. The OP did ask - not tell - her SIL when it would be convenient for her, and frankly, if anyone (family or friend) asked me to spare 30 mins - at a time of my choosing - to help them out, that would be fine with me.

All the people on here getting on their high horses about 'not being asked' need to come down to the real world, where people help each other without requiring someone to grovel. You all sound incredibly entitled, and all obviously think that the world revolves round you - not that you should be helpful to people just because you can be and it might create happiness - now there's a novel thought for some of you.

WorraLiberty · 17/11/2013 13:00

From the OP...

She will collect the clarinet for us, I have been informed. However, I am not to assume she will help at any other time unless I have her full consent in advance.

That's absolutely fair enough. I don't get why you're annoyed at all Confused

She hasn't refused to pick it up, she's simply said you should check with her first next time.

gobbynorthernbird · 17/11/2013 13:00

OP may have 'asked', but given that she'd already bought the clarinet the SIL could hardly say no.
And it wouldn't have been a pick up at the time of SILs choosing, but the sellers.

HarryStottle · 17/11/2013 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whatever5 · 17/11/2013 13:17

YABU. I would be irritated if I was your SIL as well. It's very rude of you to assume that she has loads of free time and therefore has nothing better to do than collect things for you. You should have asked first (or at least pretended to be asking first).

AaDB · 17/11/2013 13:30

I agree with Iamsparkly.

You admit yourself you should have asked first, Your sil has confirmed this. Ask yourself why it is such a big deal to comply. I think you should call and say thanks and that you will of course check in advance in future.

Is your brother married to your sil? Why not ask him to collect it? You should have rang YOUR relative and asked for help. They may have arranged for your sil to pick it. Her working pattern and lack of children are none of your business and you sound horribly judgemental.

As a disclaimer, I am totally fucked off with the attitude that a vulva makes it my responsibility to act as family PA. I don't do it any more. We both work full time, have one ds. I have much bigger commute and earn more. When I was self employed I worked part time but did all the housework. Judge away.

FamiliesShareGerms · 17/11/2013 13:37

I've bought various things on eBay that my parents have collected on my behalf, but I have never not checked with them first, even if it meant I would lose the auction. Because it would be rude to presume that just because they are retired and are generally happy to do errands, their time right now isn't committed to other things.

I really can't see what there is here beyond: you know you should have asked first (see your thread title); SiL has asked you to check first; end of matter.

Thumbwitch · 17/11/2013 13:42

AaDb - I think we can assume that the SIL is in fact the OP's DH's sister, since it was him that the SIL offloaded to about how cross she was.